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I neglect myself and it's showing

371 replies

inmyownworldagain · 18/02/2019 23:26

OK this may be long.

I will just write a list of what I avoid

  • I cut my own hair - too anxious and paranoid for hairdressers
  • I don't brush my teeth often - once every 2 weeks ish
  • Same underwear for days - have no nice knickers
  • Stay in same clothes/pjs for as many days as possible
  • Don't brush hair, even after a shower
  • Hair lives in messy bun - half of the time greasy roots
  • no makeup daily - for occasions, eyes, lips and cheeks
  • Most clothes from charity shops - not much style sense
  • I don't fuel my body well with food - nothing or everything
  • Take 4 different medications - one of which I take too much

I do have a partner and children, I feel a let down as a Mother and a Woman. I can't give myself basic needs, I don't put myself last I'm not even on this list.

How do I start fixing these to start with...

I know, I sound disgusting.

OP posts:
inmyownworldagain · 28/03/2019 19:02

Well I don't know what came over me but I just had a bath, didn't even think much about it. Just went and ran one like a normal person Grin

Dentist and work tomorrow, smear Monday. Then that should be me done for appointments, dentist 6monthly, smear 3 years.
Hairdressers is off the list, I'm going to dye and trim my hair myself to save my sanity.

Healthy made from scratch meal again. I can do this. In very tiny steps. Haha.

OP posts:
8FencingWire · 28/03/2019 19:43

You’re doing great!
I am tired and not in a good place, I don’t think.
But...I’ve had a hot bath, about to retire to bed with a good book. I keep waking up at 4 am!!!

inmyownworldagain · 29/03/2019 14:38

Does it matter what time you fall asleep? Nobody needs to be awake at 4am. What are you reading?

I've brushed teeth, clean clothes, knickers and done hair. I also turned up at the dentist! I had no excuse with it being next to work. He cleaned my teeth and covered over a bit where it was receding. Said I brush my teeth well.... what does he know haha. I always thought they knew if you brush them often or not.

Takeaway tonight so no cooking for me. Feels like a good day. Done what I was 'supposed' to do.

Hope yoy've all had a kind day.

OP posts:
smurfy2015 · 31/03/2019 14:56

Hey, you are all doing so well. Be really proud of yourselves.

I stepped backwards, flu then D&V so felt really grim then last night I aspirated vomit into lungs so a friend is gone to collect emergency script for antibiotics this afternoon. I need to get back on track.

Hidingtonothing · 01/04/2019 02:35

Oh smurfy, you poor love! Hope the AB's do their stuff quickly and you're feeling better really soon, everything else can wait for now Flowers

Really well done for going to the dentist inmyown, sounds like your teeth aren't in bad nick all things considered Smile Mine are a million times worse, I needed major perio work last time I went (about 15 years ago Blush) but never went back once they'd taken out the one that was causing me the pain so should imagine I have advanced gum disease by now. I'm in constant, low level pain and constantly trying new toothpastes and mouthwashes to try and keep on top of it, know I really need a dentist but am just too scared to go Sad

On the bright side I've brushed my teeth, had a bath or at least a decent wash and clean clothes every day since about last wed/thur so pleased with that. Been out three days running too, shopping on Friday, an emergency run to vision express when DD sat on her glasses on Saturday and out for a lovely walk and some food with DM on Sunday. Trying to keep it going once Monday kicks in is the hard bit though! Heading to bed now (early for me Grin) so hoping to be up at a half decent hour tomorrow, that really helps. Sure my sleep pattern (or lack of it) is half my problem tbh.

Wishing everyone a better week to come Flowers

Batsypatsy · 01/04/2019 20:37

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been around, But hope you're all doing reasonably ok. I'll catch up with the thread in a min.

The last week or so has been tough and ok in turns. Today was really rubbish, didn't sleep last night but only just got up Sad My relationship is rocky, I've no friends to talk to and a family member I haven't spoken to for ages had a right go at me and called me pathetic for being depressed Sad It made me feel like a total loser. She told me I don't care for my dd Sad which really isn't true.

Where I live has been noisy and violent again and the housing association won't help unless I give the police a statement.

There's so many things I wish I could do, like visiting the country where I used to live, going dancing, walking ... but I can't. I need to get a grip but can't.

Anyway sorry for the moan. At least I'm up, if still in my pyjamas.

Batsypatsy · 02/04/2019 05:41

It's my dds 18th on Friday and she's going out with friends. I have emetophobia and can't cope with the thought of them coming home drunk - her friend is staying here the night. I've nowhere to go... have been looking at hotels but can't really afford it. Nothing will be open all night, the last film at the cinema starts at 8.30 pm. I'm contemplating sleeping in my car because I don't know what else I can do Sad

Hidingtonothing · 02/04/2019 13:26

Batsy could you hole up in your bedroom til they're up and functioning (and have done any cleaning up!) in the morning maybe? You could set yourself up with everything you need and just stay put til the 'danger period' is over. I guess use of the loo is the only potential issue unless you happen to have two and could designate one for them and one for you? I might even be tempted to pee in a bucket of that feels like a better option, not ideal but not the end of the world for a few hours.

Is DD aware of and understanding about how you feel?

Batsypatsy · 02/04/2019 15:50

She is aware but I know she'll forget once she's had a few drinks. I'll just panic if I'm here. I can't listen to people throwing up, and I'd be waiting for the sound all the time. I know it sounds ridiculous ... And yes we've only one bathroom.

smurfy2015 · 02/04/2019 16:09

@Batsypatsy hugs, what about putting in earphones so if you hear even the slightest sound you can turn the music up to block it out, Im not an emotophobe so Im not sure if that would help.

Im feeling a bit better the antibiotics are starting to do their thing, my period has started yesterday (Im always like a devil before it), got an appointment in the post today for a scan im waiting on (this day 2 weeks),

Im doing virtual shopping at the minute as will be moving house in coming months, it was supposed to be finished last Friday but is quite a bit off that, no floors, electrics, heating, plumbing, kitchen, doors and then the area cleaned up after all that but looking forward to moving. (not the actual moving bit) but being in the new place which will be much better for me

Hidingtonothing · 02/04/2019 16:10

It doesn't sound ridiculous, it's a phobia Flowers Don't suppose you're in the West Midlands? You could come and stay with me Smile

Batsypatsy · 02/04/2019 16:41

Aw bless you Hiding Smile No I'm not in the Midlands sadly.

I'll try headphones and if it gets too bad I can still go and sleep in my car.

inmyownworldagain · 03/04/2019 10:34

Morning everyone. Flowers for everyone struggling. I've not been in a good place, I slept yesterday away, I woke up every 5 hours ish and it was like a punch in the face. I ended up in a row on Monday with DD who is 15, she doesn't let me get a word in and the more she answers back the more anxious I get until I got really angry, tried putting my hand over her mouth to stop her so she sat there screaming at me to hit her.
I asked my DH to try and get me some help, I don't want to be this way anymore and get so angry but he told me it's normal to argue with kids sometimes, I get that but I really just wanted to smash the house up I felt so trapped.

Just got woken up by the guys doing our guttering, sat here telling myself to pick myself up and try again. Stick on another mask and fake it till I make it. All that shit.

OP posts:
inmyownworldagain · 03/04/2019 10:38

I didn't hit her btw, she's super dramatic.

OP posts:
Batsypatsy · 03/04/2019 13:25

Inmyownworld sounds tough. My eldest was like that, such a drama queen and drove me to the edge Sad I'm scared sometimes by how angry I am at things, the world in general ... I don't know what I can do about it. I hope youre feeling a little better now anyway.

I'm feeling a little better today. I only had 5 hours sleep, but fell asleep with my cat in my arms 😍🐱😍 and I read in bed this morning for a while then got up, washed and dressed. Now spending time with my youngest which is nice Smile

Hidingtonothing · 03/04/2019 13:53

15 year olds will test the best of us inmyown, I think DH is probably right that it's normal to argue with kids sometimes but it bothers us more because it pushes all our anxiety buttons. What's your relationship like with DD the rest of the time? I'm just wondering if you and she could work out a strategy together so things don't escalate in future?

I cringe when I think about what I was like at 15, my poor mum! Tbh it doesn't sound like you handled the row any worse than she did with me back then and she didn't have any MH issues, I would've tried the patience of a saint Blush I do think depression makes you far harder on yourself for your (actually pretty normal) emotions and reactions to things though so I understand why you're beating yourself up about it.

Sorry if this seems glib but could you try to frame this differently in your head? You've recognised what made your anxiety spike (her not letting you get a word in) so there's an opportunity there to figure something out with her so you and she can communicate better. And while the hand over her mouth thing wasn't ideal it sounds like you were under fairly severe stress (and provocation I have to say) but you didn't lash out or lose control, you simply needed her to stop and couldn't find another way to communicate that. I know I wasn't there but it doesn't sound to me as though you handled it that badly Flowers

inmyownworldagain · 03/04/2019 14:26

Thank you, I just need to walk away and lock myself in a room until I'm calm again. We are usually OK but every 3 months or so we have a huge row, neighbours must think we are crazy!
All I needed yesterday was a tight hug and to be told everything will be OK but DH offered no comfort at all, which just confirmed in my mind I'm hated and not wanted. But I decided to pull my shit together and try be normal, that's all I can do I guess.

My friend thinks her toddler is worse than a teen, hahahahaha she has it coming. Although I'd prefer at toddler at the moment.

Aww Batsy and your cat, that is the sweetest thing ever. How lovely!

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 03/04/2019 14:54

Cats are amazing, I love my two Smile My DH has always been crap at knowing what I need, he's a do-er, not a comforter. Great at offering practical help and solutions to problems which is great, except when all you actually need is a massive hug and to be told you're loved and appreciated and that everything will be ok.

We're in our forties, been together 18 years and he's just learning that sometimes I just need to be listened to, sympathised with and/or comforted Shock I honestly don't know how we're still together tbh the amount of shit we've been through and the crappy way we've communicated over the years. I have to say that wasn't just down to him and I've got much better at asking for what I need in the last couple of years but it took a real shift in his behaviour to make that possible I think. I don't know what happened, he just seemed to grow up all of a sudden and started actually listening to me. He was always quite a volatile man, not violent but I found him intimidating and really hard to talk to but he just seemed to soften all of a sudden, like all the anger went out of him.

I've no idea if any of this is helpful, it's just that some of the things you've said about your DH ring bells with me. Men should come with an instruction book, it surely shouldn't take 18 years to learn how to work them? Confused

Batsypatsy · 03/04/2019 16:04

My cats are my saviours at times, especially my siamese, who wants no one but me, is arrogant, badly behaved, stubborn .. But slowly mellowing with age Smile He never purred until about a year ago and he's ten now! The other two are more cat like, more aloof, But the siamese slept in my arms as a kitten and now wants to only sleep in my bed, under the duvet, but rarely in my arms, so it's a special treat when he does. I know some people don't like it, but it's very comforting.

Hidingtonothing · 03/04/2019 16:18

They sound adorable Batsy, I have an old all black boy who has been cantankerous all his life and getting more so with age. I can only stroke him when he says so and even then I run the risk of an unexpected savaging. And yet I am his willing slave, no idea why except that he's so beautiful it hurts my heart Smile My girl is only 3 and is tabby perfection, completely sweet and loving, you can carry her around like a baby in your arms. They're both ridiculously funny, have a mad play together at least once a day and chase each other up and down stairs. I wouldn't be without them that's for sure Smile

stayathomegardener · 03/04/2019 19:10

Love that your thread is punctuated by knickers.

A few things stand out, that talking to yourself "just do it" etc and your documentation of sunlight. Please go and get your vitamin D levels checked. Could be life changing if you are deficient. Speaking from experience.

smurfy2015 · 03/04/2019 23:38

Chest is feeling a lot better but will still continue with antibiotics.

Mentally Im falling apart tonight, my cat came into the house around 2pm and collapsed in the hallway, I had her in the vets by 3.30pm and she was gone by 5pm.

I made the very difficult decision to help her on her way as she was struggling to breathe and completely lifeless, her blood were non existent. She had neither white or red cells and as the vet took her out of the carrier for a check before organising specialist help.

She collapsed on the bench and was close to her end, She couldn't even lift her head despite walking into the carrier minutes before. Her gums and eyes were pure white.,

She went downhill really fast in the surgery and wouldn't have been fit for transfer to the specialist vet.

She was in obvious pain so, despite my heart breaking, she was helped on her way and was cuddled on her journey.

She has her wings and I have a furball shaped hole in my heart which is hurting badly at this moment.

She was 3 last week. At least she heard me sing happy birthday to her many times over the day and she got lots of extra treats.

Im devastated but trying to be thankful for all our good times and just one bad afternoon (today)

Hidingtonothing · 04/04/2019 00:09

Oh smurfy I'm so, so sorry 😢 You must be in total shock, did the vet give you any indication what might have happened? I know there's nothing I can say but please know I'm thinking about you and will be around if you need a friendly ear Flowers

Batsypatsy · 04/04/2019 00:45

Smurfy I'm so sorry Sad It's so hard losing them. Does the vet know what caused it? I know that doesn't help now though. Lots of hugs, I'm thinking about you xxx

Post here whenever you need to talk, hopefully one of us will be around to reply.

Look after yourself 《hugs》

smurfy2015 · 04/04/2019 04:02

It was most likely complete Bone Marrow failure, her white and red blood cells were almost non-existent. The vet had never seen anything like it in his 30 years.

My first suspect when she collapsed in the hall was that she had got a knock outside, she didn't. Her body had given up.

She only moved once from the hallway and that was to hide under my bed. Where I scooped her into the carrier to the vets. She must have been hiding to pass away.

She was fine up until yesterday, she woke me yesterday morning as normal, by sitting on my chest, head almost on my nose, waking me up to demand feeding time. I was almost 10 mins late, how dare I?

She was in a few weeks ago getting her jabs updated. She was also in at beginning of March and was her usual feisty self with mastitis.

She seemed healthy in every way and last full check up she came thru with flying colours. The vet knew straight away she was v ill yesterday as she didn't hiss at him for a change. She is very feisty and aggressive with him, just whimpering instead.

The kindest thing was to let her go as she wouldn't have a quality of life from there, she was in pain only the last 20 mins or so that she whimpered. She already had loads of pain relief.

While she could have been taken to the specialist vet, it would be another 50 miles in a car, with people who she had never met before who would stress her out and I couldn't stay with her which would stress even more, she wasnt fit for the journey as she was passing away before our eyes and as cruel as I felt, I made the decision to make her end quick and I am trying to take comfort in that. She could have had a few hours to go naturally but would have been painful, so it was for the best for her, not me.

She was my best friend in the world, I loved her with all my heart and so I had to let her go. It hurts so much. She let me cry into her when depressed and slept in my bed at night, the bed is so lonely tonight.
.
She was such a good cat, last Nov I came to a point where I was about to end it by OD, my meds are in a dossette from the chemist and kept in a safe, I broke the safe and as I sat on the ground getting myself ready to take them, She jumped up on me and wailed at me like I never heard her apart from then, when I calmed myself down and rang the MH crisis team, while I was on the phone, she took the edge of the dossette pack in her wee mouth and pulled it away into another room as if to say "don't you do this on me. Im not letting you".

While getting MH help over the following days, I cried a lot but nothing like I have since yesterday evening, she would come up to me on the pillow and let me snuggle my face into her belly and let me cry into her while she gave me comforting purrs. She was a massive tissue. She was a very special cat.

Tonight is the hardest, I made myself a scrambled egg in the microwave and I missed the beady eyes sitting on her stool watching me, not that she would have any people food but so she could supervise all I did. My showers she would sit in the bathroom sink so she could see behind the curtain in case she would miss something.

The toilet, well I have to learn to go on my own again without her supervision. The funniest toilet incident in her time was when a friend was using the toilet, she snuck into the bathroom and as friend sat on the toilet doing her business, puss saw ass cheek and up on back paws and licked ass cheek as you do, the scream was piercing but hilarious. She didn't see the cat behind the toilet again. I came to the bathroom door and retrieved her. The friend has never used the toilet here since.

Thanks for listening all.