Just when you thought life couldn't become shittier

[PlsPlsPls]

Triggered the crisis team a few days ago when I hit rock bottom after months of trying to cope with my shitty life on my own.

Yesterday I got a letter telling me that high-grade abnormal cells have been found in my smear and I need to go for another examination and biopsy.

I just cannot be dealing with yet another thing to kick me when I'm already down. Anyone here who wants to sit with me for a bit?

I'm here. Really sorry to hear about how things are at the mo. And now an abnormal smear too - that is indeed shitty.

Do you want to talk about what else is going on?

So sorry op! I'm head to listen if you want to talk.

*hear not head

*here sorry haven't slept much so forgotten how to spell!

Thank you or listening.

My life is a bit of a mess at the moment.

Married, but my marriage only seems to work well when I'm a mess - whenever I get well all we seem to do is argue. He has quite a temper, too.

In love with someone else at work, he doesn't feel the same way and has been incredibly patient, but every time I contact him out of hours I'm scared I am pushing him away and so I am making an idiot out of myself apologising for being me most of the time. He is my only rock, but we're not really friends yet and I cannot speak to anyone else, but feel shitty for offloading on him.

My mother ruined my self-confidence ever since I was born with her nacissistic, controlling ways. I have cut almost all contact, but every now and again she still manages to get to me and ruin my little or larger successes through sheer negativity (about my wedding, my university successes, most recently my newly-acquired citizenship) and is still trying to manipulate one of my children. My immediate family around her have cut all contact with me and are not replying to any messages - we have previously got on well, so goodness knows what she told them this time.

Just heard from my father, who hasn't spoken to me in 11 years and while contact so far has been pleasant, it is difficult at the same time as we are trying to build up a relationship with each other.

I am working 12-14 hour days most days of the week and rarely ever get a break during work hours.

I cannot sleep; most days I survive on 3-4 hours maximum.

I am bulimic and it is the only way I seem to have to cope with stress; I have lost 2st in 2 months and it drives me insane when people tell me how great I look and all I can think about is what a mess I really am.

I am constantly bleeding, which is what triggered the smear in the first place. I'd be the ideal age for cervical cancer. It also means no sex, which I get pestered for regularly and my DH is getting frustrated with me.

My kids are at difficult ages, too.

My doctor has put me on meds and I am seeing a therapist in a few days, but at the moment it all seems too much to cope with.

It does sound a bit shit at the moment. Have you told your husband and children yet? How old are they?

You are going through a lot at the moment! Does your husband understand how much you are struggling? He doesn't sound very supportive.

So , you still have to have a biopsy. Try not to panic too much. One step at a time.

You certainly have a lot to cope with OP. I think anyone would struggle with this amount of stress. I am struck by the fact that your DH is so uncaring about your bleeding. Is this relationship worth staying in?

My husband knows. My older child - a young teen - is autistic and would take it to heart far too much if they knew. The other is a toddler in tantrum phase.

My mental state means I have no way of getting life insurance; if anything happens to me my husband is screwed.

P.S. sorry if I now take a while to reply - dealing with unwell baby. But I will check back.

Try not to think about that just now. The worst thing might not happen.
Let’s sit and have some tea.

Tell me a bit more about your children, if you want.

I almost made my tea with a bit of chewing gum instead of a teabag. My kettle is on .

Just talk to me just now.

Thanks everyone for the support. We have people staying with us for the weekend and I have been told quite explicitly not to have my meds on show (as if I would). It means take-away and going out for food and again I can't do that at the moment; I have not been able to keep a full meal in for months now and I am scared about having to go out for food and being made to keep it in, pathetic as that sounds. All to keep up appearances. Again, my husband is aware.

Chewing gum? You might be on to something there.

Did you husband say to hide the meds?

Can you get to see a counsellor regarding the stress , bulimia, and the smear result?

Yes, he did. He also insists on going out for food, despite knowing how I feel about it.

I am seeing a therapist next week for an initial appointment. Private, spending money I don't really have right now, but I have been told waiting for an NHS appointment can take months (and the last time I needed help it took almost a year to see someone).

Do you think he makes you feel worse about things?

Sorry for all the questions but your husband should be supporting you. It seems to me he is part of the problem.

I think he is trying to do the right thing in his own little way. Is it really supportive to allow me to purge all my food?

Does he want you to purge?
I don’t think that is supportive.

No, he doesn't. But the dilemma for him is to let me do it and know that I need this at the moment as my own coping strategy or to force me to keep food in like this weekend where I am having to go out and pretend I am okay with food to keep up appearances.