Just when you thought life couldn't become shittier

[PlsPlsPls]

Triggered the crisis team a few days ago when I hit rock bottom after months of trying to cope with my shitty life on my own.

Yesterday I got a letter telling me that high-grade abnormal cells have been found in my smear and I need to go for another examination and biopsy.

I just cannot be dealing with yet another thing to kick me when I'm already down. Anyone here who wants to sit with me for a bit?

Didn't want to read and run.
I do hope you get all the support you need, you've got some tough shit going on there which would floor most people.
It's an achievement in it itself just to keep things looking 'normal' to the outside world/work etc, it takes some doing and is mentally and physically exhausting. Thoughts go out to you x

I am no expert on bulimia but I don't think forcing you to eat socially at a time like this is at all supportive. Agree with where that he sounds part of the problem.

Try not to over eat . It is a “control “ thing. You feel you have no control over anything in your life .

I know. I recognise my eating disorder for what it is.

The meds are making me quite shaky.

How are you feeling now Pls?

Thank you for asking. Overwhelmed and tired, exhausted I guess. Like my head is going to burst with all the thoughts going on inside it.

Poor you. It really does sound as though lots of areas of your life are less than ideal at the moment. I think paying for a therapist is a good step forwards, even though financially you'd rather not. You need some self care before you can start trying to sort out other problems.

You said you are worried about offloading on the guy at work - why not regularly post on this thread for support? I bet there are loads of regular MNers who will have good advice for you and can help you to work through things. I know you didn't get many answers last night, but during the day lots more people will see your posts. I don't mind if you @ me if you need to talk. I can't always answer straight away (young kids) but will always get back to you.

I am concerned about the lack of support from your husband. You've mentioned his temper, his pestering you for sex whilst you're bleeding and worried about your cervix, and his forcing you into a social situation where you have to eat normally even though you're struggling with bulimia. Has he always been like this? How do you see your future with him?

How has your eating been today?

Do you have a date for your cervical exam and biopsy?

Have a good night @PlsPlsPls

littlecabbage I have been contenplating divorce for a while and recognise that the thing with the guy at work is a symptom of my failing marriage rather than anything else, but since my husband has found out about my mental state he has actually been very loving again and since the letter with my smear results even more so. Like I said, it's a strange one, as if we work very well in crises, but not so much when things should technically be going well. I don't know and am torn.

I've managed to escape after the take-away and do what I needed to, other than that I have had a very small breakfast and lunch. My weight stayed the same, which, I guess, is acceptable.
Today is the greater challenge as we will go out for food and the place is traditionally highly calorific and I know questions will be asked if I go for soup or similar. The funny thing is, the meds make me nauseous, too, but I can't even mention that.

No letter yet; I'm expecting that to come through early next week, assuming a 2-day delay for communication between departments. That will be a fun conversation with work (again); I'm in a probationary period and I am having far too much time off at the moment, so may actually end up losing my job over this. Fml.

Morning Pls.
Xx for you.

Do you mind me asking what the meds are for? Are they antidepressants? Do you feel like you would rather let friends and family know you are taking them so that they can support you? Is it just because your DH says so that you aren't telling anyone?

Sorry, so many questions. Just trying to understand things better. I'm not going to keep banging on about your DH as only you see all there is to your relationship, but there are a couple of contradictions in what you say. You said he is very loving since your MH has worsened and since your cervical screening letter, but you have also said about him making you hide the fact you're on meds, insisting you are in situations where you feel you cannot control your eating (and therefore purge), and pestering you for sex despite the smear test results. To an outsider, he sounds controlling and unsupportive.

I appreciate it may be difficult to analyse your relationship at the mo, and that it probably needs to be put on hold for now.

Hope the meal today is okay. Have soup if you would feel happier - it's your body and your choice what to put in it. If people keep questioning your choices then it is them making things awkward, not you.

How is your job? Do you enjoy it most of the time? What does your probationary contract say about time off for medical reasons?

Hi again, yes, I am on Sertraline and am lucky in a way that it's just weakness, shaking, nausea and heart palpitations. I think he doesn't want people to know to avoid awkward questions. But yes, now is not the best time to see what is really going on there.

I stuck to a load of vegetables with very little meat. Feeling very heavy right now and uncomfortable. Hope I don't feel the need to weigh myself tomorrow.

The job is high-pressured with little reward, long hours and extremely stressful. Working full-on with people all the time with little to no respite or time to pee or eat. Not enjoying it much, no, but I cannot think of anything else to do which would pay the same.

I was so close to texting my guy a few times yesterday, but he is struggling himself and I feel awful for taking up any of his time, really, so I didn't. Had a brief chat about something unrelated Friday, then I became silly again, apologised and just said I had a shit news day, but would leave him alone. Need to stick to that, really. He knows how unwell I am. I hope he does care, occasionally it seems like he does.

Do you need to maintain the same salary level or could you consider either going part time or moving to a lower paid but less stressful role? Would you DH be supportive of that?

I'm sure your friend does care about you but like you say, you don't want to step over the line into neediness, so best to try not to lean on him too much. As I say, I hope that some of us on here can provide some support?

Have you started seeing your counsellor yet?

Thank you for sticking with me; this week is quite a horrendous one.

At the moment we wouldn't manage on much lower, so that is out of the question. My job is what it is and I never really thought of much else, apart from one thing, which is considerably lower-paid and hard to get into.

I've told my "guy" about my test results today (he knew I was undergoing tests as I am in constant pain) . He was sweet in his own little way, kept asking whether I was okay, but I am still not convinced he actually likes me - I never am, too many insecurities. Is that weird?

I'm seeing the therapist tomorrow. So scared she wil secretly judge me for my feelings.

I really don't think the counsellor will be judging you. Yes, they are only human and must therefore secretly dislike some of their clients, but you don't sound like that sort of client. You don't sound annoying or horrible or self-centred. You sound like a reasonable person who has a lot of difficult things going on in her life at the moment.

I mean, you have:

A stressful, demanding job
A history of a narcissistic mother
An unsupportive family
A long time of no contact with your father
A tantrumming toddler
An autistic teenager
Problems in your marriage
An abnormal smear result.

Any one of those things would be very stressful, so don't be hard on yourself for struggling to cope. Anyone would struggle in your situation. No wonder you can't sleep and are bulimic.

That's not to say things can't improve in the future, even though it probably seems hopeless to you right now. For now, how about concentrating on getting the counselling, taking your meds (are the side effects likely to wear off after a bit?) and looking after yourself as much as possible?

Wait and see what comes of the biopsy - it's entirely possible you'll get a good result and then you can start thinking about what other changes you can make.

Hang in there. I'm sorry that your mother affected your self confidence so much. No-one deserves that kind of upbringing

Thank you. My GP asked me what affected me the most throughout all this when he prescribed my meds; I answered that the common theme was rejection. It's what set off every episode of bulimia or anorexia I've ever had.

The letter for the hospital appointment came through; it's early next week. Next week is an incredibly important one at work and now 2 out of the 5 days are affected by my mental and physical state, so I will have to speak to work today and see whether some of my deadlines can be moved.

I spoke to my manager yesterday and she was incredibly supportive. She also reassured me saying she had similar on her first smear, so completely understands. I wouldn't normally be so paranoid about it (chances are statistically high that it's nothing too sinister and can be dealt with), but I went for the smear because of constant bleeding and pain in the first place.

My husband cried yesterday. He really does love me and is scared for the future. It makes me feel even worse; I love him, too, but I also cannot forget about the other person, even though I would never start anything with him even if he were interested in me.

We had a brief text exchange last night and I told him I wish he could see himself through my eyes and thanked him for sticking with me. I'm not exactly an easy person to be around and he is unbelievably patient. It's a strange situation in that I am far more invested in our friendship, or whatever this is, compared to him, but he plays along. It must be stroking his ego a little, but good for him; I think he needs it.

Okay, some positive stuff in your update. I’m so glad your manager was so supportive. The last thing you need is work making it difficult for you to concentrate on your medical needs. And also good that you have a date for the biopsy now. As you say, statistics are on your side with this, so fingers crossed you’ll be able to strike this off the list of problems soon. I hope you get another supportive response at work today when you ask to move your deadlines.

Good luck with seeing the counsellor today. I hope you find that you “click” with her. If you don’t, you could always try a different one, they vary hugely. It’s interesting that you’ve identified rejection as being a common trigger for you. I’m no psychologist but it seems unsurprising that you would feel that way after the upbringing you describe. Perhaps at some point the counsellor will be able to give you some coping strategies for any future rejections?

It’s good that your husband does genuinely seem to care about you. But make sure you don’t allow him to treat you badly. Perhaps he doesn’t realise he does it, or perhaps he swings between feelings or empathy and dislike, who knows? But he should not react to you angrily, he should not force you into situations you are telling him you can’t cope with at the mo, and he should absolutely not pressure you for sex.

Do le me know how it goes today, I will be thinking of you.

Just seen this thread about Sertraline - don't know if you have taken it before, but if not, this might be helpful?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/3489881-sertraline-experiences

Yes, I have been lurking on it, thank you.

The therapist was good, the hour and a half we spent together flew by. I think she will be a good one to keep hold of and we have agreed weekly sessions for now, even if it bleeds me dry. She did ask some interesting questions I have been asking myself a lot and it is strange when there is a need to actually find an answer.

Work have been great as well, my deadlines have been moved a few weeks. It's been a good day, overall, but I still feel very disconnected from life in general. One thing I said to the therapist was that I don't think I've ever fit into life, nor do I think I ever will. I do so much for others and treat so many of them with respect and more, but get very little back. That must mean there is something deeply wrong with me.

I'm really pleased for you that the therapy session went well and that you're making it a regular thing. I got the impression from a previous post that you've seen a therapist before? If so, was it helpful last time, and how long did you see him/her for?

Good news re work as well.

I am wondering what you mean by "feeling disconnected from life" and "not fitting in"? Can you explain that a bit more?

Thank you, it is nice to know that you're still here.

The feeling disconnected is a kind of not really caring if I live or die. I'm generally exhausted by life, both mentally and physically.

And not fitting in is just that. I never have; I can be as nice as I want to people and am generally on the outside of things, never had proper friends who cared about me the way I cared about them. I mean, I am now paying someone a substantial amount of money to listen to me for an hour and a half because I have no one else.

Don't get me wrong, I am hoping to see progress over time, but I cannot shake the feeling that people with actual friends don't need therapy.

Have you always felt as though you don't care if you live or die? Or is it just how you feel during a bad patch? What would you say has been the happiest or least stressful period of your life? So many questions, sorry! Just trying to understand a bit more.

I do think that having good friends is a lot due to luck. I've had times in my life where I felt as though I had no good friends around, and other times where I have. Working long hours like you do doesn't create the ideal environment to begin or nurture friendships. I also suspect that you low self esteem makes you less likely to pursue friendships? Because you fear rejection?

Please don't feel like therapy is because you don't have friends. It is different. Yes it can be good to talk about problems with a friend but they probably aren't going to be able to help you change your thinking like a therapist can. And a therapist should know how to approach more complex issues.
Therapy definitely has its place, even for people with lots of friends.

I hope I'm not overstepping the mark by suggesting a book to read? I bought the version about kids to help me with my children, and thought it was brilliant. I bought this book for my brother after he told me he was prone to pessimism and depression, and he said it really helped. Tell me to bugger off if it isn't for you, but here's the link in case you think it might help:

www.amazon.co.uk/Learned-Optimism-Change-Your-Mind/dp/1473684315/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=learned+optimism&dpPl=1&dpID=41MPl7J-2-L&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1548797884&sr=8-1

You are not overstepping the mark at all, but I have read a lot of literature around the subject already and am not sure whether yet another book will help in that respect.

The therapist yesterday confirmed what I have suspected for a long time about the root cause of my issues, which all have to do with the way I was brought (or dragged) up and a lot of what she said wasn't exactly news to me; I am well aware of the whys, but need to work on not letting them overwhelm me the way they do. I do hope she can help with that.

I cannot say whether I've always felt the way I do about living or dying, but I have had a number of near-death experiences, which have changed my perspective on death and dying. I am quite perplexed that I am still alive, given some of the circumstances - in a few cases I was very ill and hours away from death before a doctor recognised the symptoms of my illnesses for what they were and I was rushed to hospital. My body is very good at hiding serious illnesses until they are at an advanced stage. I've also had a few suicide attempts in the past, which should have worked, but by some 'miracle' didn't.

The concept of dying and death does not scare me. Cancer does, but for other reasons - I have had most of my dead family members die of it and seen what it did to them and for how long.

How do you make friends? All the people I know are either from university or work or they are my husband's friends and know me by association only; I have given birth quite young and so between studying and working never really had time to develop a life as such. I see no way of meeting other people; there are far too much routine and far too many obligations.

As for happy times? The most relaxed was probably my first year at university - the only time I was able to really be me, without any obligations, but that got cut short through early pregnancy and is now more than a decade away.

Hi Pls, I'm just checking in briefly to say I've read your update and haven't forgotten you but am feeling really unwell today and not up to writing a long post (nothing serious, just a virus). But hope you are doing okay. Will post properly when I feel better.

Sorry to read you're poorly. Hope you get better soon xx