Just when you thought life couldn't become shittier

[PlsPlsPls]

Triggered the crisis team a few days ago when I hit rock bottom after months of trying to cope with my shitty life on my own.

Yesterday I got a letter telling me that high-grade abnormal cells have been found in my smear and I need to go for another examination and biopsy.

I just cannot be dealing with yet another thing to kick me when I'm already down. Anyone here who wants to sit with me for a bit?

Hi Pls, thanks for the good wishes. It was really transient in the end, I feel normal again now.

How has your day gone today? I've just been re-reading your thread. I get what you are saying about not caring if you live or die - would you be worried about leaving your kids behind though?

You asked how to make friends. Do you feel as though you woukd like to find new friends at the mo? I was wondering if this was something you would be interested in:

mentalhealthmates.co.uk/

Walking groups for people who have had mental health issues. An opportunity to receive and provide support to each other.

I think leaving uni to have a baby probably made it difficult to find friends. I don't think a lack of friends is necessarily a bad reflection on you. The friends I see fairly regularly are all local friends I met through baby/toddler groups, but appreciate that working full time you can't go to those.

Anyway, hope things have been okay for you today.

Don't damage yourself op, your children need you. Your oh needs to let you be authentic, maybe couple counselling further down the line will help. Glad you have got a supportive therapist, hope you and oh can hang on until you feel stronger if it's good enough for now. Leave the other guy, that's just churning you up. Good fortune.

Thank you both.

littlecabbage It's been an okay day, quite busy. One of my 14-hour days where I didn't really get to sit down and stop. The meds are starting to kick in and I seem to feel a lot less anxious over little things, a little less depressed and more like myself. I once said to the guy at work, I wish he could have met me when I was healthy. I can be one hell of a woman (in a positive sense) when I am.

I am not sure making friends with people who are equally as damaged is a good idea. Surely to be healthy you need healthy people in your life. Ironic, really, given who I gravitate towards, but that is the nature of humanity, I suppose, that we seek out equals, even if they are not necessarily the best choice for us.

My children? They are safe with my husband if something ever happened to me. There is a wide family network available, even if they are spread around the country, but I know that support would be there in an instant if needed, from his family at least.

My husband is extra loving and caring at the moment - I haven't seen him this affectionate in years. It's strange and I don't quite understand it.

Got to get ready for work, will check in again later.

Goodness, you have to get up early for work! That sounds knackering. How come you work such long hours - those aren't your contracted hours, surely?

I'm glad the meds are working now and that you're less anxious. Anxiety is a horrible feeling and really stops you getting on with anything properly.

I take your point about making friends with other "damaged" people but I disagree. Firstly, I don't think people with mental health problems are "damaged" as such, and therefore they are no less valuable as friends, and that includes you. Maybe your low self esteem prevents you from seeing that MH problems do not make a person any less of a person worth knowing?

Secondly, most of us will have MH problems at some point or another, so I guess by that token we are all a bit damaged! Having MH problems does not make you abnormal. It would be more abnormal if you had never experienced them.

Thirdly, you saying you feel as though you don't fit in - maybe it would help to be with people who understand what you have been through or are struggling with? And exercise (walking, as with these groups) is always good for mental health.

Of course, please don't think I am trying to boss you around or tell you what to do (tone is difficult to convey when typing). I just want to try and give a different perspective on things and to make suggestions. I would hate to come across as a know-it-all who thinks they know best.

Finally, please don't underestimate your importance in your children's lives. Yes, they would be looked after if you weren't around, but there would be no-one who could replace their mother (assume you aren't like yours 😁).

Hope you have a good day. Any plans for the weekend?

Not less deserving or valuable, no - just not a good idea right now. Maybe more of a middle ground is needed. People who know the issues, but are in a much better place right now - like the one I hope to be in after therapy.

I don't really enoy walking. I am a swimmer, but my skin is really bad at the moment, so I cannot go.

We argued again today and it made me realise once again what pushed me away. Coupled with my friend being in a bad place right now, but shutting down, I find my thoughts wandering again and far too much.

I am in pain quite often and have started bleeding again. 5 days without bleeding this month, 3 days last month. I am quite worried what will happen next week.

Not a good day today.

Ah no, I'm sorry to hear it's been a bad day. It must be horrible to be bleeding and in pain. I guess that makes it difficult to take you mind off the cervix issues. Are you taking painkillers? Do you think you are at risk of becoming anaemic? I understand that you are worried about next week. I would be too, but hopefuly it will be a relief to get it out the way.

Fair enough about not liking walking. I like swimming too, alrhough never have time to go.

Sorry to hear that you argues with your DH again. How are things now? Do you mean that your thoughts are wandering towards romantic thoughts of your friend? Why is he in a bad way (obv don't answer if too outing or something)?

It's been a fairly bad weekend. We're both on edge at the moment, so argue more than usual and he just doesn't understand that persistently shouting and ranting at me makes me shut down completely.

I take painkillers about 3x per week and I am a little concerned that they may just take the abnormal cells off, but I will still be left with pain and constant bleeding as I don't see how just a few cell changes could affect this. A small tumor makes more sense, especially as it is getting worse and from what I have read, my symptom are more in line with stage 2 rather than stage 0. My body has always been good at masking serious illness, so I am worried something may be missed. I've barely slept last night.

I'm not sure whether my wandering thoughts are of a romantic nature, more an escapism I think, but I think of the guy at work a lot. He was really agitated on Friday, but as usual refused to talk, other than saying he isn't doing himself any favours at the moment. I text him yesterday to see whether he was okay and got no reply. He suffers from anxiety and is having a fair bit of trouble keeping it together at the moment. I want to help him so badly and feel quite powerless.

Therapy day can't come soon enough; there is so much to talk about.

Well, looks like it's bad news on the cervix front. What did me the most was how the doctor went from blase to serious within the space of 10min when he found a lump on the inside. Biopsies are taken, an MRI scan is booked, bloods have been taken and shit just got very real.

I have told my guy at work; I needed a friend and he was the only one I could think of. I know he doesn't care, not really, whereas I have no idea how to talk to my husband, who was in tears again yesterday at the very thought of me having cancer.

And now that is very likely.

My goodness, I’m so sorry to hear that things have escalated somewhat. You must be feeling so frightened. I’m not assuming there won’t still be a good long term outcome - I’m sure that is possible still, but certainly in the here-and-now this is not what anyone wants to deal with. I suppose there will be a fair bit of treatment ahead now. When is your MRI booked for, and when will you get your biopsy results?

Please tell your husband as soon as possible. I know you don’t want to make him cry, but you need support and he needs to be given his opportunity to step up and do so.

I am here to chat and hold your hand. I wish there was something more useful I could do, but I will at least try to support you through this. Please keep posting if you feel it helps .

It's weird, I'm more numb and resigned than frightened. I've had symptoms for a while and when the smear results came back, I was somewhat convinced I'd be the one in 2000 this affects more seriously.

I have another appointment with the doctor in 2 weeks, no MRI date yet, but that should happen before then. Biopsies have been sent off as urgent, but could take anywhere between 1 1/2 and 8 weeks to come back. Sooner, I expect, if something is amiss.

Like I said, it was the doctor's reaction more than anything else. In the consultation before we started he dismissed all my concerns, including the pain and bleeding (he even sent me for a pregnancy test ffs) and at first he couldn't see much wrong with my cervix either, but then felt something and suddenly his attitude changed and he started taking a lot of samples and had another feel. He later told me it felt "lumpy" and hard, which concerned him. He also said that what he had told me earlier - that my bleeding and pain were not connected - actually, they are likely connected and we may be looking at camcer. Obviously he cannot confirm this without a biopsy and further testing, so that is what happened.

My husband told me yesterday not to tell him anything until he gets home, so, naturally, I was going a little mental in my head - more so than usual, hence why I messaged the guy. He is apparently at home with a lost voice, so asked me to keep texting and just kept saying they can deal with cancer successfully now. But he was willing to listen for a bit, which was kind.

I have dealt with the news in the only way I know how to - I have had a massive binge and purge. I have just eaten some more crap, but currently don't care. There are things I need to do today and sort out, guess I need to get a move on.

Waiting for results is so horrible. Hope they get back to you soon (although with good news, or "not too bad" news, obviously).

How come they didn't notice the lump when the smear test was performed - do they think it was missed then or has only appeared since then?

I don't blame you at all for coping with a binge and purge. Don't beat yourself up about it, this is very stressful for you. I hope your therapist will be able to help you with more positive coping strategies when you next see her.

Have you told your husband yet? I hope he is supportive and helpful. Sounds like you need a big hug.

Your friend is right - even if cancer is confirmed, it may be completely treatable. Don't give up hope xx

Thank you, I'm strangely calm about it now and have accepted cancer as the most likely outcome - it fits everything perfectly.

The smear wouldn't have picked cancer up if, as suspected, it sits on the inside of the cervix - the outside, while showing slight abnormalities in colour and texture (I had a good look on the screen), was actually free from abnormal cells when he examined me. He said that can happen and internal cancers wouldn't be picked up by a smear.

I've told my husband as soon as he got in. He was in denial for a good few hours, finding a number of reasons why it's not cancer. I convinced him to phone his parents and talk to them, partially because we will need help here with childcare if worst comes to worst and I need to stay in hospital or have treatment. It's better than surprising them with the news if/ when things become more urgent.

Turns out his mum had very similar, resulting in fairly radical surgery, at my age. She is over 60 now and still very much kicking around. I'm a well-organised person, though, so will make sure everything is prepared for the worst case anyway. I've always put off things like making a will; maybe it's the kick in the backside I needed to get prepared for the fact that immortality is impossible.

I have done no work yesterday and it will come back and bite me today. I will also need to speak to HR about the need for even more absences - they will love me.

Okay, I see what you mean about the lump being difficult to spot.

I guess it’s normal for your husband to be in denial, especially before you have a confirmed diagnosis. If cancer is confirmed, he will have to accept it then. Was he loving towards you despite his denial? What kind of response did you get from his parents? Are they likely to be helpful and supportive? Hopefully so, considering his mum’s experience. I’m guessing you won’t be telling your family, or do you feel like you want to?

I don’t think many of us are organised with wills etc, are we? Or not as much as we should be. I have a will, but it is out of date now, and I keep telling myself to write letters to my children just in case something happens to me. My Dad died fairly suddenly in 2016, and I would have liked a letter from him, but there wasn’t one. I’m sure he would have written one if he had had time.

Hopefully none if this stuff will be needed for you for many years, but I get why you want it all sorted, just in case. Then it will be one less thing to worry about.

I hope you have got a good response from HR today. They really should be sympathetic, it is hardly your fault that you need medical appointments. Are you seeing your counsellor today?

HR have been brilliant, couldn't have asked for a more sensitive response. They essentiall said don't worry, they'll deal with all my paperwork and the boss.

My husband is still of the opinion everything will be fine, even if he is caring etc. towards me.

The session today was tiring. I am very tired. Exhausted, mentally, emotionally, physically. Just so tired.

Keep pushing through - take it one day at a time

Good, I’m so pleased that HR have responded well.

I’m not surprised you’re exhausted. Be kind to yourself, rest, go to bed early, only do stuff that is essential - the rest can wait. Hope you get a decent night’s sleep.

Thank you for listening.

Up late again and I just cannot bring myself to do any work. It's all piling up and making me feel even worse than I already do, but I cannot ask for any more concessions from work; they have already done a lot for me lately.

After therapy I got home, made food, got the youngest to bed and essentially collapsed on the sofa and fell asleep, then went to bed for about 2 hours before my alarm went off. I push the snooze button far too much at the moment. It feels like it should be a Friday, that's how exhausted I am.

My therapist reckons I am quite calm and emotionless at the moment, because my brain has shut down in an attempt to protect myself. I don't know; all I know is how tired I am of life, of everything. Maybe this cancer thing is a good thing, maybe it's time to go.

Please don't think that. Life can be so good, and can be for you. Your perspective is skewed by your existing MH issues, which aren't your fault, and by this new and shocking information that you may have cancer.

Try to get as much rest as you can. Even if you don't/can't actually sleep, just go to bed (not sofa) at a set time (early-ish) every night. Dark, cool room, no screens, eye mask and ear plugs if they help.

Hope today is okay.

Life has been one shitstorm after another - I don't see how a more positive outlook would change that. Even my therapist said that in my 30-odd years I've been through more than many in their lifetime, and she still doesn't know half of my story.

I've lived on painkillers all day; it's been a particularly bad one for pain and I can't distinguish whether it's from the holes punched into my cervix or the general pain I've been feeling over the last few months.

Everything else has taken so much of a back seat at the moment, and yet I'm so conscious of all the other issues surrounding me. I feel so exhausted it should be Friday in my head.

Seen my friend at work today. I haven't seen him for a few days. He is such a lovely person, even with his many reservations and he looked particularly amazing today... It's so hard to explain how I feel. I have accepted that we will never be, but at the same time he has a very special place in my heart, no matter how one-sided. And I don't know how one-sided our friendship is, with him enquiring about me, telling me more personal stories (but never too much) and waiting for me to go to our cars together.

It's like the therapist said, I don't know someone likes me until they explicitly say so - I need that validation and do not believe anyone actually likes me until they say so (and even then it's difficult). Some mess my family have left me in.

No MRI letter yet. It irks me.

I'm so sorry that life has been so hard for you. It's so unfair that you have had many traumas/difficulties thrown at you. I am trying hard to understand some of these difficulties but of course I do not know your full story, and even if I did, I would not be the person who has lived it. So I apologise if I say things that are unhelpful or off the mark, but I hope that it is still helpful for you to be able to talk here, and that you know I do care how you are.

I'm sorry to hear you're in more pain today too. What are you taking painkiller-wise?

Was your therapist meaning that most people know whether someone likes them or not, but that you find it difficult to know and/or believe that someone does?

Sorry, I'm quite down at the moment and still very detached at the same time. Being in pain also makes me even more tired than usual. I've been on paracetamol/ ibuprofen every 2 hours yesterday during the day and gin helped take the edge off in the evening when I couldn't take any more.

Was your therapist meaning that most people know whether someone likes them or not, but that you find it difficult to know and/or believe that someone does?

It's a self-confidence thing. Most people assume that when they spend time with others, those others like them. So when people talk to me or go out for (very occasional) drinks with me, they must, by that logic, like me. Only, I am usually the one initiating a message or suggesting a meet-up and therefore think they are just seeing me out of duty/ pity/ whatever, not because they actually like me. Does that make sense?

I cannot believe it. These idiots have actually messed up my appointments. My consultation, where I am supposed to discuss the results from the MRI and biopsy (if I'm lucky - the latter may take a good few more weeks), is just over a week away. When am I booked in for the MRI for? The day after my bloody consultation. So I was on the phone to the hospital yesterday pointing this out, was supposed to get a call back (didn't happen) and then no one picked the phone up for the rest of the day.

I seem to have no luck left anymore.

How ridiculous! What did they say when you pointed it out? Please keep hassling them today. I know you shouldn't have to, but it's often the people who shout loudest that get things sorted out quickest, and your need is probably greater than a lot of people on the waiting list.

Sorry, I meant to say yesterday, can you ask your GP for stronger pain relief? Maybe something with codeine, or tramadol? Are you still really sore today?

That makes sense about the self confidence. I mean I think most of us worry about that sort of thing from time to time, but I can see how it would be more pronounced if your mother had damaged your confidence repeatedly. Does your therapist have suggestions to work on improving it?