Just when you thought life couldn't become shittier

[PlsPlsPls]

Triggered the crisis team a few days ago when I hit rock bottom after months of trying to cope with my shitty life on my own.

Yesterday I got a letter telling me that high-grade abnormal cells have been found in my smear and I need to go for another examination and biopsy.

I just cannot be dealing with yet another thing to kick me when I'm already down. Anyone here who wants to sit with me for a bit?

Hi, I've spent most of the weekend trying to get some sleep. Still just exhausted with everything. My father reacted as well as I could hope, offered an ear to listen, but said he doesn't quite know what to say - hopefully he will expland a little more later, when he is not as busy.

One of my girls has cancelled; now it's just 2 of us and I am dreading the next message that cancels on me, too. It's a completely legit reason, but all this just seems to happen all the time.

The appointment is in the late afternoon; my husband and I are sorting paperwork in the morning, which will have my children in a more secure place should anything happen to me.

My other family still know nothing. It is all so strange.

I think not knowing what to say is a completely normal reaction by your Dad in this situation. I don't always know what to say to you either about it, but the fact he is willing to listen is important.

Try not to take it personally that your friend has cancelled. Life is busy and it won't be anything to do with you why she's cancelled. When is it that you're meeting the other one?

I hope all goes well tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and hoping for good news from the MRI.

How did it go today Pls?

Hi, sorry for the late response; I was pretty high on painkillers last night. It looks positive for now; the first biopsy showed no sign of cancer and the seond one, taken yesterday, seemed normal to look at, from what the oncologist said. He also took a sample from my endometrium, which, again, looked normal, but we will be waiting for the official results when they come in. The MRI won't be evaluated until later on in the week; the images showed one area of concern, but he said he is not an expert and will wait for the official discussion later this week.
So we may be back to square one as he doesn't know what else could cause the pain and bleeding.

The effects of the pain relief were gone pretty quickly, but he did prescribe me some codeine for emergencies, so at least that should help. I try not to take it, though - I potentially wouldn't be able to drive and I am pretty reliant on my car.

It was nice to get lots of messages of support from people yesterday, almost everyone who knew wished me luck.

Hey, I'm glad things are looking reasonably positive. Obviously not all the results are in yet but it's better than you feared, isn't it? Can the oncologist explain why your cervix looked like it had a lump?

Like you say, it doesn't explain your symptoms so I wonder what the next diagnostic step will be.

I'm pleased you had a lot of supportive messages. How has your DH been throughout yesterday?

Well there is what he suggests might be a cyst and a fibroid, but it's more the area connecting the cervix to the uterus he is concerned about. I guess I'll be pushing for a hormonal check-up next.

DH has been fine, actually seems to understand that I am in pain most of the time now. My therapy, however, is uncovering more and more things we really have to work on and is making me realise what pushes me away and into my friend's arms.

No further word from my father, which is disappointing. But I met up with a friend yesterday and managed to keep food in, even if the scales told me today I had put on 3lbs in the last 2 days and I feel exceedlingly fat. I also obsess far too much about what I will wear tomorrow and feel that the dress I have chosen may just show a little too much cleavage (and in general be quite formal), but it is one of the few that fit and make me look quite nice.

Hello! Hoping you’re coping today..I’ve been following your thread. Do you possibly have adenomyosis? Has it been suggested? I have a friend who doctors though had womb cancer (marker in the blood etc) but all biopsies were negative - she’s been diagnosed with adenomyosis and has to have a hysterectomy soon. Here some info on the condition. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adenomyosis

I guess it's good that your therapy is uncovering things to work on, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that when you are talking about them. But better to deal with them than leaving them buried?

I'm glad your DH is being supportive - do you feel as though you could (through your therapy) work towards a better relationship with him?

Well done for managing not to purge after the meal with your friend. Do you think it's because you're feeling a little less anxious about your health now?

Do you mean your Dad hasn't been in touch to ask how your consultant appointment went? If so, that is indeed disappointing, and says a lot more about him than about you.

ohmy That's interesting; I do show a lot of the symptoms - when I get my phone call tomorrow it may be an avenue to explore?

My dad hadn't been in touch - I updated him today out of my own volition and he thanked me and wished me luck.

I'm not less anxious. I actually hoped it'd be cancer, just to have a diagnosis and treatment plan ahead. Now I have nothing again - just pain and bleeding and no apparent cause. I really wish they'd just whip the whole thing out.

No idea about my DH - at the moment I really feel we're at crossroads and i don't know which way to take.

I text my guy to confirm tomorrow (busy day, he is the 4th 'to do' on my list) and he hasn't replied. I get he may be busy, but he is normally surgically attached to his phone and now I really do worry he has other plans. God I hate waiting.

I did ontact my father today, to keep him up to date, and received good wishes and a 'speak in more depth later' kind of message. Not sure what to make of that either. Now I one again question how many people actually give a damn...

Right, he has responded. He won't drink, he will drive himself in instead. Is it really bad I'm a little disappointed? I know he'll talk more if he is tipsy and I am wondering why he is so weary of drinking.

Like he doesn't trust me after all. I'm probably reading far too much into this, but still.

What do you mean by "he'll talk more"? Do you mean he'll open up about himself? And why wouldn't he trust you? What could he be worried that you would do?

In the nicest possible way, maybe you are overthinking it a bit?

Yes, talking more openly was indeed what I was hoping for. No such luck; we barely ate the meal when he made his excuses, even though the evening was going so well and even if I say so myself I looked quite beautiful. I am just not good enough for him and goodness knows why.

It ate me up inside knowing how little I mattered to him. I sent him a long message on FB this morning, laying everything bare, including the massive discrepancy between how I felt about him and he about me and that I'd withdraw. I can't do this anymore; I was in tears last night when I left his car (he did agree to give me a lift) and I am incredibly saddened that there is no future friendship possible with someone who has obviously such little interest in me.

At least the doctor doesn't think I have cancer anymore, so back to square one with this one and I am forced to spend more time on this planet.

I mean, it comes to something when it takes me longer to get ready for a date than it does for the actual meet-up to take place....

I feel incredibly alone.

I'm sorry again for the late reply - as usual waiting for a time when I can reply properly. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone and that Thursday night was such a disappointment. It may not be that you're "not good enough" for him. More likely that he doesn't want to be involved with breaking up a marriage. And maybe he would rather focus on his problems at the moment.

I know that you really like him, but haven't you said yourself that it wouldn't work, as you are both struggling in different ways? You can't focus on him as being able to make you happy, you need to work on becoming more happy and confident by yourself, then decide whether to work on or leave your marriage. And then only at that point, seek a relationship.

Have you heard anything back since your facebook message? What are you doing tonight? How is your pain at the moment?

No, as usual he hasn't replied. I didn't expect him to, to be honest - he doesn't do emotional outpurings the way I do and it was a very long, detailed and intense message. Neither, though, has he blocked me.

It's not that I wanted him as a man in my life, but as a friend. My therapist suggested soulmates - a term I am reluctant to use, but it fits from the point I see us. We are so different on the surface, but I know that beneath all his walls we are very similar - and that is not just fantasy, but has become apparent from the few glimpses of his inner life he has allowed me to catch. I know I will never understand why he won't let me in, why I am nothing to him compared to what he represents for me. That he doesn't feel the same closeness and connection I do and it hurts like hell that I don't matter to him even a fraction of the way he does to me. But I cannot carry on like this and have to let go, for my own sanity - it is not fair to have to practically beg for scraps of his attention, and that appears to be all I get.

I'm cooking a large meal to keep my mind off things. I've contacted a few others on my contact list and heard back from a few, but I am fed up of always making the effort with others and no one really giving a damn unless they think I'm about to die off. All of a sudden, the amount of codeine I've been prescribed seems a nice option, but I know that is a silly thought.

I feel like a caged tiger a lot of the time. Currently, I just want to run away as far as I can from my life. Sorry, it's all quite negative today. I've been crying so much when I was alone earlier and I wish someone was there to see how broken I am.

You don't have to apologise to me about being negative. If that's how you're feeling, then let it out.

I hear mixed messages from you about your friend because of you describing it as a date, and saying that you made an effort to look beautiful for him. But either way, I agree that the best course of action is to withdraw now. That way you take back some of the control. You can't alter his behaviour but you can alter yours.

You sound so down. Is it worth asking your GP about increasing the antidepressant dose now that it seems cancer is not the diagnosis? I know they aren't a solution to everything, but could they keep you on a more even keel whilst you work through things with your therapist?

for you tonight.

Date was probably the wrong word, but I couldn't find a better one at the time. I just want him as a friend, but far more intimately than he is obviously willing to be with me. Or even doing me the favour of spending time and attention on me. When I met a friend during the week we were out for over 3 hours without even noticing the time; I suppose it's the stark contrast to him eating and leaving, if you see what I mean?

I am very down right now. Not sure an incresed drug dosage is the answer; I've never trusted myself around rugs and to be honest I am uncomfortable with the lethal doses I have at my hands as it is.

At least keep talking to me here (if you feel it helps). I will stick around.

I'm just off out (on a very rare trip to local pub) but will check back on here when I get home.

I don't know what else to say to try to help at the mo, but I am thinking of you.

Thank you, it is nice to know not everyone has given up on me. I wonder what he thinks, whether he hates me, why he won't let me in, why he is so nice to me and yet pushes me away so much at the same time. I can't make sense of any of this. He shouldn't occupy my thoughts so much, but he does, and I can't even pinpoint why.

I have taken prescription-strength codeine with some alcohol, against advice. So the pain in my cervix is gone for now, but I am yet to experience whether the morpheine it is changed into by the liver has any actual effect otherwise. It's interesting I have so much of it here; the doctor should have seen my history.

My therapist has pffered me a free session tomorrow. She is great, but I can't get away without having to explain myself. so had to decline. I will just have to function.

Anyone stop me from being stupid and messaging him? When I know he doesn't care?

Don't do it! Sorry - longer reply to come later, but please distract yourself. You can do this

I am driving myself mad here. Not much help, sorry. I am dreading seeing him again tomorrow, because he won't acknowledge a thing and it fucking hurts so much. How can there be such a massive discrepancy between what I feel and what he does? How can there be no connection at all? It makes no sense. I wish he had just blocked me. Reacted in any way. This stonewall is the worst punishment I could get. For what? For loving someone? As a friend, soulmate, whatever shite this is? Why me? Why him? Of all the people out there, he could just have told me to fuck off and it would have been kinder.

What is so wrong with me? Why am I so unloveable?

It really does sound as if the connection you feel is not felt by him. So I don't think that does make you soulmates, however much you you may wish to be.

I also don't think this means that there is fundamentally something wrong with you, or that you're unloveable. But I do wonder if the intensity of your focus upon him makes him feel claustrophobic.

You need to try really hard to stop allowing him to occupy your thoughts all the time. Whenever he enters them, make a conscious effort to refocus on something else. It will be incredibly difficult at first, but persevere and it will get easier. At work tomorrow, be polite but professional, and leave it at that.

Are you seeing your therapist on Tuesday? Focus on getting to that session without contacting the guy at all in the meantime. If you're tempted to, post here instead. I will hopefully be a bit freer to answer now that half term has finished.