Just when you thought life couldn't become shittier

[PlsPlsPls]

Triggered the crisis team a few days ago when I hit rock bottom after months of trying to cope with my shitty life on my own.

Yesterday I got a letter telling me that high-grade abnormal cells have been found in my smear and I need to go for another examination and biopsy.

I just cannot be dealing with yet another thing to kick me when I'm already down. Anyone here who wants to sit with me for a bit?

They just acknowledged that they may have to change the date, but then didn't get back to me until yesterday, where they offered me an earlier appointment for the middle of next week now. HR have been brilliant and offered me the entire day off, even though I could have gone in for an hour or two in the morning before heading off again. I think they appreciate that I am dragging myself in at the moment; even my friend said he's astonished I'm still in work, what with everything. I just said I'd rather be working than be at home with my own thoughts.

I'm not sure about stronger pain relief; most days I can manage on paracetamol and ibuprofen and some days I don't need any painkillers, but it seems to come in waves, like a dull ache, but period-style.

I've been able to sort out a bit of a social life; I'm on annual leave in a week's time and have actually managed to arrange meeting up with my guy from work for drinks one evening and for lunch with a bunch of girls I've known for a while on another day. It keeps me going, looking forward to both.

I assume you mean an earlier MRI? Great if so, sooner the better. Also great that work are being so understanding, but I get why you would want to keep busy.

I'm so pleased you have two social events coming up. Do your female friends also know about your investigations for your cervix?

Please do ask for more pain relief if you can - even if just to take on bad days.

Yes, an earlier MRI.

My female friends know nothing; the last time we spoke was around Christmas - we're all pretty busy with similar working hours, but thankfully all free that day. It'll be nice to catch up. In total, only 8 people know about the whole cervix story, and that includes 5 people at my work place (line manager, boss, HR, two colleagues), my in-laws and my husband. Until an official diagnosis has been made, I don't think worrying too many people is necessary.

Is it weird going out for drinks on an evening with the guy? I've told my husband, who normally flips out over me going out alone with male friends he doesn't know, even during the day, but this time just rolled his eyes and said "What is it with you and other men" and merely asked whether I'd be okay with him hypothetically going out for drinks with another woman from work. But I know that nothing will happen between us and have fully accepted that.

Perhaps don't rule out telling your friends during your night out, if you feel like it would make you feel better. You don't have to try and protect them from it. I would want to know if a friend was going through this.

No, I don't think it's weird that you're seeing your male friend for drinks. Out of interest, if hypothetically he was willing to take it further than friends, would you? I thought about your husband's question, and I've got to be honest, I wouldn't like my DH going out for drinks with a female colleague, just the two of them!

What did your DH mean by "What is it with you and other men"? Is he referring to anything in particular?

By the time we meet up I should have a better idea of what is going on, so I probably will talk to them, because if it's cancer they ought to know and if it isn't it certainly makes interesting dinner conversation. But we're not close enough anymore to worry them now.

I thought long and hard about whether I'd want anything to happen between us if he reciprocated. I can't completely rule it out, but the tendency is no. It would never work long-term - while we have a lot in common emotionally, we're too different on a day-to-day level - and for the sake of a shag or two I don't think the upheaval it would cause on any side is really worth it.

I am very cynical about long-term fidelity in relationships and I have to say I don't think my husband will be 100% faithful for the rest of his life, but if he isn't I just don't want to know.

I think he has finally resigned himself to the fact I am always going to make male friends. I just get on better with men in general and prefer the straight talking and lack of second-guessing I've experienced from a lot of women I have befriended over time. That doesn't mean I have no female friends or acquaintances, but the ratio of men:women in my life is something like 4:1. It doesn't help that I work in an environment, which tends to attract more men than women in general.

How has your day been today PlsPlsPls?

Hi, thank you for asking. I already thought that my honesty may have somewhat repulsed you. I am absolutely shattered. Haven't been able to talk all weekend as I have been ill - my immune system isn't great at present, so I am picking up every bug going. I don't even know anymore whether it's the constant bleeding, bulimia, stress, illness - it's like wading through treacle at the moment.

It's a waiting game now, while work is still putting more and more pressure on. My guy was quite distant as well - odd, after he agreed to go out on Friday. I am constantly worried.

No, your honesty doesn't repulse me. I just wasn't sure how to respond to some of the things you said. Like you thinking your husband will probably be unfaithful at some point and you'd rather not know. I guess that saddens me a bit because I think you deserve better than that and I would rather hear you say that you would leave him if he was unfaithful.

And the thing about getting on better with men in general rather than women - that saddens me a bit too as I think women can be really supportive to each other when they choose to be, and I'm sorry if you haven't found that.

But please don't think you can't be honest. If you can't be honest on an anonymous internet forum, then when can you eh?!

Sorry to hear that you're ill now on top of everything else. I suppose it isn't surprising with all the stress you're under.

I don't know why your guy is being distant - I don't know the situation well enough to speculate. It's a bit harsh of him to blow hot and cold when he knows how worried you are about your cervix.

I'm in this waiting game with you. Is the MRI on Weds?

I’ve read all the thread and what a load of shit is going on got you .
You sound an ultra strong lady but can I just say from one bulimic to another ( god knows how I think I have gone about 36 days) please please feed your body.
You know as much as I do how every spew affects your mental health and my god your physical health the next day .
Along with everything else you def don’t need the headache and shitty stomach feeling.
I hope you don’t think I’m being patronising and I do know how it helps when everything else is out of control but it really makes any mental and physical health issues so much worse,

Thisimmortalcurl, You're not being patronising at all. I'm just not ready to give it up yet; it's my crutch to help me get through the day.

littlecabbage Thank you for sticking with me.

The therapy session was really helpful today, although we spent almost all of our time discussing my friend and my weird relationship to and with him. We're going out for food next week and not drinks (if he doesn't cancel on me again) - a challenge for me in itself, but I suggested it, for many reasons.

I am still very tired, and not even just physically; that's a given. I'm emotionally drained.

I'm so pleased that your therapy sessions are going well. So why did you suggest food and not drinks - do you want to make sure you keep your inhibitions and don't try to flirt with him? Is it a challenge due to the bulimia (rather than the "not drinking" being an issue)?

I keep saying it but just concentrate on self-care as much as possible. You need to conserve/regain energy as much as you can. Early nights with consistent going to bed and waking times. Don't worry if sleep is a struggle. Resting is still good. Not too much screen time, try reading or mindfulness if you can. Avoid alcohol, try to eat healthily (I won't say don't purge because I know you don't do it out of choice and it is a coping mechanism ). Don't sweat the small stuff for now - do only what cannot wait, and leave the rest.

Good luck with the MRI, hope it goes okay. Is anyone going with you?

No, I'm going on my own; everyone is at work at the time. I've read yesterday that MRI results can take 1-2 weeks to come back and I hope to god they come back sooner or else I still won't know what on Earth is happening by Monday, which still seems an age away as it is.

I know I should care more for myself and my body, but I am pretty much doing the opposite of everything on your list. I am still on a very self-destructive path mentally, so let that out on my body in the only way I know how to deal with everything. My therapist recognised yesterday that she needs to change how she approaches this as I told her I am not ready to let go of that side of things yet and need work on the underlying causes.

Such a big thing to happen in my life at the moment. It is strange that the two people inmy life who should care the most have no idea - my mother, because I don't want her to know and my father, because the slow bond we are forming is far too fragile to even mention any form of serious illness this could potentially be.

As for going out for food, there are so many reasons. He is not a big drinker and doesn't like noisy places (neither do I, but I can hold my drink), food gives us something to do should awkward silences arise. Not that they ever have. It also gives us a nice time frame of at least an hour to spend together, with the prospect of longer, depending on how things go. Food is, objectively, a good way to bond, even if very difficult for me at present.

That bond is important to me, which is really what we worked through yesterday - why I am so attracted to him emotionally. There is something there between us, some kind of understanding, a similar wavelength and from what we have discussed yesterday it seems that I notice it, but he is still guarded against this bond, for whatever reason (she has given me a fair few ideas of why that may be as well). I really hope he doesn't cancel on me again.

MRI done, come home to consultant letter saying biopsies show CIN II, but no cancer, but he thinks he hasn't poked the right place yet, so will wait for MRI results and then do another, bigger biopsy on Monday. So still no definite result by then. How much longer?

Text my guy in desperation (alone at home tonight) and just got mono-syllables back, so I snapped and asked him whether he actually likes me. He says 'of course', just tired and sweaty from gym. Now I am frustrated and feeling guilty on top of having spent most of the evening crying my eyes out.

Hey, sorry for the late response. I always check for and read your updates but sometimes find it difficult to find a moment during the daytime when I can sit down nd write a full response. But thinking about it now, perhaps I should write a short response and a full one later - just didn't want to risk sounding dismissive.

Anyway, I've been thinking about you all day and wondering how things went. That is very frustrating that you have to have another biopsy, on both a having-to-wait front and on a discomfort front. Can you ask the consultant for extra pain relief afterwards, considering you were quite sore after the last one?

Just googled CIN II. Presumably the consultant thinks your MRI results will be back by Monday. I'm pretty sure the report could be completed in one day if necessary, so I assume he can specify when he needs it.

Sorry to hear you're alone at home tonight. Where is your DH? I'm also disappointed to hear about your guy's response to your update. Maybe he isn't going to turn out to be someone you can rely on long term. When is it you are supposed to be meeting him for a meal?

I get what you're saying about being on a self-destructive path at the moment, and it's understandable. But do you think you could just do one thing perhaps? Like a consistent, early bedtime? I know I always feel far less happy mentally when not getting enough sleep. It really skews my perspective on things.

I was re-reading your previous posts earlier, and was wondering why your Dad wasn't in your life for 11 years? Was he around when you were growing up? It's really unfair that you can't rely on your parents to support you at a time like this.

Also saw your mention of citizenship - are you in the UK?

I'm grateful for any responses, so thank you for still reading this.

I am one of the many EU citizens in the UK panicking about Brexit, so last year I decided to finally go for citizenship, after well over 10 years of having lived and worked here in peace. It was frustrating and expensive to do so, but worth the peace of mind and finally having the right to vote in elections.

My father left our family when I was a young child and there was no contact until I turned 18 and had to sort out finances with him. We got on quite well and I have visited him a few times, much to my mother's dismay. Then, a few years later, things happened, which led to a big fallout between us, and we haven't spoken since - until I contacted him a few weeks ago. There is a lot of mistrust on both sides, but we are building up cautious contact. I think if I told him about any of my health concerns he'd take it the wrong way, as if I wanted something other than just time from him.

My husband has a hobby, shared with my teen, which they were busy with yesterday, hence why I was alone with the toddler. Too much alone time is not a good thing for me, even if I crave it - my own head is my worst enemy at times. Maybe the therapist was right in that I hadn't really allowed any of this to overwhelm me and pushed it to the back of my mind emotionally, maybe that is why I broke down last night.

I haven't told my guy about yesterday (he didn't ask, either - but any time he does enquire when we see each other at work he seems careful about prying). I tend to keep things upbeat via text message, so was just making random conversation, but admitted I needed some distraction. He knew where I was yesterday, to be honest I was disappointed he couldn't see how much I needed someone to talk to, but then I know how important his exercise is for him and his own mental health, so maybe I was in the wrong to text him?

My consultant is the oncology lead. Going by the letter he seems convinced he just hasn't found the cancer yet (I take this from him saying he is not convinced he has taken the right sample and the need for a bigger sample). In the invitation letter it says the examination will not be performed if I'm on my period. I have been bleeding for over 2 weeks, but more strongly at the moment, so I am guessing I am on and will not be done by Monday, but I am reluctant to tell them for fear of having to wait even longer. I cannot predict my bleed-free days anymore, which is quite scary, given I used to be regular as a clockwork. What would you do?

Hmmm, not sure about the bleeding. On the one hand, it seems as though if you are bleeding anyway then extra blood won’t make much difference. But then I’ve googled it, and they say to avoid the heaviest days of your period for a smear because the blood cells can obscure the cervical cells they are trying to assess. I would ring the consultant (or his secretary) and 3xplain the situation. It may be that your letter has standard phrases whereas actually the consultant would rather just get the test done as early as possible?

How are you feeling today? Any plans for the weekend?

I hope you are right. So much has happened over the last few weeks, though, I feel it'd just be my luck to be turned away for being on my period.

Yesterday was a bit shitty, although with a few silver lines. Woke up still absolutely exhausted from all the crying the night before, but knew I needed to go into work. Avoided speaking to my colleagues in the morning - I normally go and sit in the break room to work in first thing with a few colleagues, but just went straight to my room as I couldn't face the conversations.

Then I went to speak to my boss about how I was feeling and he was lovely; he kept telling me that he is amazed I was still going to work every day I could and was more than happy to agree to move some of my big projects to the side, so I can concentrate on getting better. The HR lady came to speak to me to see how I was, too, and best of all, so did my colleague. He said he couldn't just walk past my room and leave me in there without seeing how I was. It's nice to know some people do seem to care.

Work itself was pretty rough, but I got through the day okay, even though I felt a bit rubbish for insisting on going on time after a meeting was over-running by more than 15min at the end of the day.

It didn't help I didn't get a proper break again and got to the point of bleeding through my clothes, because pads alone can't stem the flow and I am not allowed to use my cup or tampons at present. Thankfully I was wearing all black clothes, so no one noticed.

My kids were playing up big time yesterday; I guess everyone is tired and it's been a busy half-term for my teen.

I came home, couldn't purge all of my food, which made me feel even more crappy, and fell asleep on the sofa by around 8pm. Some Valentine's...

Ah well. Last day at work today before my AL starts.

It really does sound like people at work care about you, which isn't surprising. It sounds as though you are known to be dedicated and not someone who would ask for allowances for any old small problem. I'm glad your colleague came to see you. When are you two going out?

That's really tough about bleeding through your clothes. You could really do without that, I'm sure. I guess wearing black on your lower half is a good idea at the moment.

Thank goodness you have AL now. Was it prebooked, or did you book it when you knew you had a consultant appointment? How long are you off work for?

Hope your last day of work goes well.

It's just the week, to cover holidays for the kids.

I miss my colleague already, but don't want to make a nuisance of myself.

And I have been in bloody pain again all day. So fed up. Someone I know has attempted suicide recently. I actually envy them and hope they get the support they need. I can't do it right now.

Ah, so not really a holiday then! I should have realised, as mine are on half term now too.

This pain sounds horrible, are you sure you don’t want to speak to your GP about extra pain relief? I know it’s the weekend, but is there a walk-in centre you could go to?

I’m confused by you saying that you envy someone who has tried to commit suicide recently? Presumably you don’t envy them for how they are feeling? And I wouldn’t think that a failed suicide attempt is a pleasant experience. Do you mean that you envy them for being able to go through with an attempt? Would you say you are feeling suicidal now? From you saying that you “can’t do it right now”, I hope you are not feeling suicidal.

How are the antidepressants working out for you? Have the side effects worn off yet? It doesn’t sound as though they are improving your mood much but maybe they take longer to get in your system, or maybe you have so many worrying things going on at the moment, you are just overwhelmed?

I don’t know, I have no training or experience in mental health, but I do know that I really want things to improve for you.

The antidepressants have had a positive effect, believe it or not; I am actually in a better place now with far fewer panic attacks and rock bottom days. On the other hand, I may be calmer, but also far more tired - physically, emotionally, mentally. It's a difficult thing to describe, as if my feelings are far more calculated, less out of control, but all still there.

My doctor said he wanted to increase the dosage as is standard after one month, but because of the possible side effects this could have he decided to keep me on the lowest dosage for now. I think he recognised that, with everything else going on, putting my mental health under - albeit temporary - increased strain is not a good idea right now.

Either way, I have no head space left for anything outside of my normal routine.

I don't know. There is still a big feeling here that I wish everything was over. I am not actively trying to commit suicide, but if I died tomorrow I wouldn't care, if that makes sense.

I'm meeting my friend on Thursday, hopefully. My husband and I argued about this today; it appears he is suddenly not okay with me going out with other men - we had this every time I went out with men, although it is rare I meet them in the evenings (and before now it had always been 100% innocent on my part). Part of me still thinks he will cancel on me anyway.

I text him yesterday, no reply, I then apologised and just said I'll see him Thursday. Then saw him driving past me today - it's hard to forget about someone who lives so close you constantly run the risk of bumping into them. Then again there is so much to do this week.

I hate being at home. I have far too much time to think.

I just told my father about my health issues. Not my best move, but I stressed I want nothing but his time and attention. Not that I think he cares. Not really.

Don’t feel bad about telling your Dad. He either wants to be in your life, or he doesn’t. If he does, that means he needs to accept you for who you are and how your life is, and support you as a father should. If he just wants some Disney version of family life, then he isn’t worth wasting time on.

It’s difficult with your friend living so near that you randomly see him. Difficult to keep your distance. I hope he doesn’t cancel on Thursday.

I’m glad that you aren’t feeling suicidal, although I recognise that you are saying you wouldn’t care if you died. I hope that when things improve for you, you will start to care more about your own life. I know you won’t be able to imagine that you will, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible. I’m glad there is scope to increase the antidepressants too at some point, if needed, even if now isn’t the right time.

It’s natural that you don’t want time to think at the moment. Just try to distract yourself however you can - book, tv, magazines etc. I know in some ways you are probably dreading Monday, but it is a good thing that it is very close now, because you need to start getting answers about what you’re dealing with, before you can start to move forwards.

Hope you manage to relax a bit this evening, and get some decent sleep.

How are you feeling Pls? What time is your appointment tomorrow?