Just when you thought life couldn't become shittier

[PlsPlsPls]

Triggered the crisis team a few days ago when I hit rock bottom after months of trying to cope with my shitty life on my own.

Yesterday I got a letter telling me that high-grade abnormal cells have been found in my smear and I need to go for another examination and biopsy.

I just cannot be dealing with yet another thing to kick me when I'm already down. Anyone here who wants to sit with me for a bit?

How is it going at work today Pls?

It's all over. He told me to stop. He said he just wants a professional relationship, nothing else. It is fully my fault, I pushed it too far. I blocked him on all devices and social media and asked him to block me, too. I have confirmed to myself once again that I am unloveable and far too broken to be loved, even as a friend. I hate myself so much it's unreal.

I'm broken.

I’m so sorry that it has come to this. I know you really wanted him to support you. But he obviously doesn’t feel able to do so. Please don’t blame yourself. Yes, you may have inadvertently pushed him away by trying to get him to engage, but it is not your fault that you have been dealing with some very stressful circumstances recently, on top of some longer term problems also.

This doesn’t make you unloveable, or too broken to be anyone’s friend. It just means that this guy is not the person you hoped he might be, and that you cannot turn to him for support. I’m not saying it’s his fault either. You have previously alluded to the fact that he has his own problems, so it is likely he just doesn’t feel he can cope with your problems too.

You don’t sound like an unloveable person to me, but you obviously have really low self esteem. And I’m guessing that stems from your upbringing? I really think you need to concentrate on learning to love and care for yourself, and to recognise your own self worth, rather than relying on other people to bolster your confidence. I know full well that this is easier said than done, but I am sure that over time, and of course with the guidance of your therapist, you can make progress.

No, it is my fault and I have to accept that. I did push and should have acted on the signs far earlier. I am in the middle of a mental car crash; the car has abruptly come to a stop, but I know that my momentum is still keeping me moving forwards. The crash has not hit me completely yet and I am scared what happens when it does; I can feel it building up and my patterns of self-destruction getting worse as they are, like that moment before you hit the windscreen, when you can feel yourself accelerating towards it.

I should be grateful. Throughout it all, he has been nothing but curteous; it could have been so much worse. I still wonder, though, why he did agree to go out with me. He could have just said no.

My upbringing has messed me up, yes, made me crave any tiny bit of affection and yet has made me believe I am not worth any. It's why I self-manipulate, like I have done again. I don't see how this can ever change, so what is the point.

I'm seeing my therapist this evening; she knows something is up, but I haven't told her the full story yet. It's the last thread I am holding on to; I really don't want to be here anymore.

Are you going to tell her the full story? Please do x

Of course; her perspective was interesting, although the doubtful part of me wonders how much of it she really sees as my fault as she has stressed just how much he has played along and how abruptly he changed, giving me some ideas, which put things in perspective, but making very little my fault. I am still convinced I messed this one up big time.

There are so many barriers up between us now. I am quite visibly upset. He seems not to give a shit. I suppose he doesn't.

I have calculated how many tablets I can take before I am left without a lethal dose of codeine and i only have another two after today. It takes my comfort blanket away not to have a relatively easy way out. I do struggle to breathe in the mornings, though, so maybe I need a smaller dose; I am quite petite.

I agree with your therapist that very little of this IS your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong, or behaved badly from what you have told me. You are having a really hard time and were trying to reach out for support. I cannot say whether or not he gives a shit. Maybe he does, but feels he cannot cope and therefore has put the barriers up. Or maybe he doesn’t care, but that does not mean you are unloveable.

Tell me what it is about yourself that you dislike? What aspects of your personality do you feel are “unloveable”? What have you done in your life that you feel makes you so undeserving of love and respect?

Please will you see your GP and discuss your feelings about the codeine tablets? I am still wondering if you need a higher dose of antidepressant or maybe an alternative one, to help you cope whilst you talk through your problems with your therapist. I at least think you need to discuss your feelings with the GP so that they can make an informed decision about your care.

I am hoping that you are not actually suicidal, and are just sort of thinking about how you would do it IF you reached that stage. But just in case, here is the information for the Samaritans:

“Whatever you're going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123.

We're here round the clock, 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. If you need a response immediately, it's best to call us on the phone. This number is FREE to call. You don't have to be suicidal to call us.”

Please call them if you need to

My therapist knows how I feel in this regard; I don't think talking to my GP would be a good idea. She was great and made me consider a few things I had not thought about. It's a comfort blanket for now, to know it's there, but I don't need to act on it right now.

She made me see that it was not just my imagination; he did, after all, respond to me, talk to me, go out with me. I recognise his barriers, can see why they are there, without understanding it. The damage they must hide and the future for someone who actively shuts themselves off the way he does. That I will not be alone in being shut out and that the friends he so often travels with probably don't know him that well either. She suggested he may even be interested in me. Even if that is untrue - I will never find out - it provides a little comfort to know I haven't imagined it all.

What do I dislike? That on the surface, I am highly intelligent, compassionate, pretty, successful, but I am eaten up inside by the constant need to be loved, insecure, never good enough for myself, let alone anyone else. That I self-manipulate, hate my body, feel stupid, feel I am the exact opposite of everything that I am on the surface. That I appear so strong that people recoil in shock when they see what I am really like, so I feel I cannot let my mask slip and be me. That I always need to prove myself, that I am always there for everyone else, but something inside me must make people hate me, because I am always alone, in the end.

Anyone still reading this?

I'm still here, or do you mean other people? I'm sure there are some lurkers! I find it difficult to get chance to reply fully to you until this sort of time (once kids in bed, etc).

I've been pondering what you said about yourself. I cannot see anything that makes you unloveable. Like you say, you do sound very insecure, but that is not a bad or shameful personality trait. It is just of consequence of your life experiences.

I was listening to The Life Scientific on Radio 4 yesterday, and the woman on it was a psychotherapist. She was talking about how important attachment to a parent (usually the mother) is for a child to grow up into a confident and secure adult. She was also talking about how even really troubled mindsets can be changed. It made me think of you, and how there is hope for therapy to make you feel much better. I guess it will be a slow process though.

I really don't think people hate you.

Anyone.

Life at work is awkward now; the talk between him and me is so strained. He doesn't seem to want to be in the same room as me, which doesn't help matters. How little must he like me, how much must I have pushed him away. I feel so down. So tired.

That's really hard that you have to be at work with him. Pity you can't have a clean break.

How has today been Pls? Any plans for the weekend?

OP, I've read the entire thread and I'm so sorry that you're dealing with so much at the moment .

One thing is jumping out at me: Your friendship with this man at work wasn't going to help you long term and would/could eventually cause problems in your marriage. Honestly, I'd accept that it was a mistake and move on. Right now, turn to your therapist and your DH for support -don't worry about friendships right now, concentrate on getting better physically and mentally.

Also, I took Sertraline for a while a few years ago and it didn't really work for me (I have anxiety). After a long break from AD's, I tried another type and it's done wonders. I suppose you could classify me as someone who's "got better" mentally and my life really is SO much improved. I also used to feel unloveable, but now I know I'm not and I have stronger friendships. It will happen to you as well, just give it time and keep talking with your doctor about what would work best for you.

Hi both, thank you for writing on here. Yesterday was a busy day at work. They have asked me to see the freelance psychologist who occasionally comes in, but I have to say that I don't feel comfortable sharing personal information in my work setting, so the session was not as useful as it otherwise could have been.

My in-laws are here again and lovely as they are, it brings my food issues back in the foreground as I obviously cannot purge and/ or forego food as I normally would. Add to that the fact that my scales had run out of batteries and when I was finally able to weigh myself today I had gained 2lbs I am feeling very uncomfortable in my body right now.

I had a weak moment on Thursday and text him when I was once again full of a mixture of painkillers and alcohol, apologising for overstepping the mark, but when I woke up yesterday I thought that I don't need that, really. I don't know whether he did block me (he hadn't replied but wouldn't even if he hadn't blocked me), but he was a lot more amenable and relaxed around me yesterday. We will never be personal again; my barriers in that direction are firmly up, but I am watching with interest how he behaves now.

I am concentrating on friendships more now than ever. I have been in contact with an old boss of mine, who was a really nice person, and we will be going out for coffee in a few weeks' time, and I am also arranging meet-ups with a few former colleagues-turned-friends over the next few weeks. The nice thing is, I don't have to force any of those meet-ups, even if I have to initiate them, people are far more responsive than my guy had ever been.

I am still giving sertraline a chance, but will up the dosage to 100mg when this batch runs out; it has helped me a lot already, even if it doesn't always seem like it. I am also in two minds what to do about the codeine. Part of me wants to keep what I have left, which is still a very lethal dosage, just in case, another part wants to keep using it inappropriately until it runs out. But I am not suicidal anymore, merely back to self-harming in my many different ways. Progress I suppose?

Definitely progress! Your update today sounds a lot more positive. I'm especially glad that you have decided to leave the barriers up with your colleague and concentrate on people more deserving of your time and effort. Try not to watch him with interest too much, rather try just not to think about him.

Also good news that you feel the Sertraline has helped a bit and you're going to try increasing the dose (presume your GP is okay with that). Maybe that will really help to improve how your feeling, and if not, it's very helpful to read about AmICrazyorWhat2's experiences with trying a different one.

That's interesting about the work psychologist. How much does work know of your problems that they have initiated this? Presumably as they are freelance, they have no loyalty to the company and are duty-bound to be confidential, so why do you feel uncomfortable about opening up?

You day you're still self-harming in various ways, but not suicidal - small steps are progress in the right direction. Give yourself credit for starting to improve.

Btw, I keep meaning to ask if you lurk on the narcissistic/abusive parents thread here? The one called "But we took you to Stately Homes!" or similar? Might be helpful for you re your parents.

I ahve looked into those threads, but never really stuck with them. What my mother did to me was all very low-level, but steady and constant enough to erode my self-worth. I am speaking to my father via social media and have done so for about 2 months now; the difference in attitude is shocking; he is actually incredibly positive and even told me recently I should be proud of myself - something my mother hasn't said to me in a lifetime.

GP appointment tomorrow, then a full day at work and then therapy. It's intensive and I am already weak with exhaustion again, but I am mentally ready to fight.

“Mentally ready to fight” sounds good. Your’re doing brilliantly Pls. Hope therapy goes well tomorrow and that work is manageable. Do you have any follow-up with the consultant coming up soon?

That went well.

Therapist cancelled on me today.

Call from the doctor, my latest biopsy is a CIN III, which is basically cancer-in-situ, but they don't seem concerned, even if my biopsy has gone from a CIN II to a CIN III in 2 months.

Meant to complete something for a colleague tonight and cannot find a basic item to complete the project in any bloody shops.

Back on the gin I didn't think I'd drink tonight and the codeine to make me feel better. That really sums up my life at the moment, one minute I'm full of hope then I get kicked down again.

And I have a meeting with my guy tomorrow and I really don't want to spend the allocated hour with him.

It sounds horrific

God, what a shit day for you. Can't believe it's gone so badly . I'll write more tonight once kids all in bed

Hey Pls, how are you feeling now?

Has the therapist rescheduled? Did she give you a reason for the late cancellation?

Also, what has the consultant said regarding next steps/treatment? Is the MRI result back? Do you have a follow-up appointment?

I know it’s easier said than done, but try not to sink into despair.

The therapist very likely had a good reason to cancel, nothing to do with anything you have said or done, and probably feels bad to have had to do that.

The finding of CIN 3 is of course a blow for you. But from what I have read still carries a good prognosis with treatment to remove the abnormal cells, is that correct? I know it is no fun to go through treatment though.

The work thing for a colleague - in the grand scheme of things, not that important?

And your guy - you’ve done really well with putting up the barriers. Yes, spending an hour with him is not ideal, but you can do this. Just think “polite, professional, distant” over and over in your head. You can get through an hour.

It's a perfectly valid reason; she is ill, but I got the call as I was about to make my way, so was counting on the session to take place for most of the day. We cannot find another day this week, so I will just have to wait until next week. I'm finding it quite hard waiting that long, but what can you do?

The CIN III on its own wouldn't be that bad; what worries me is that my cells have gone from 2/3 abnormal (CIN II) to all abnormal in the space of 2 months and no one seems to think that that is an issue, especially if I am now going to be on the recall list for a 6-month check-up. To me, that seems to indicate there is still something going on.

I've managed to improvise on the work colleague thing and have actually completed the project, albeit not as well as I would have liked. It needed to be done by today.

Wish me luck for today; it's going to be a long one.

Ah, good luck. Let me know how it goes.