I am starting to get my assertiveness back, which tells me that I have at least come away from rock bottom. I've also had two days off the codeine now and don't feel the need to add it to the alcohol anymore to make me feel better. When I am healthy I can be an incredibly strong person and I haven't felt that inner strength in months, so it's nice to see some of it returning at last.
It's also been 3 days on a double dose of ADs and while the side effects - specifically insomnia and palpitations - are not nice, the level feels about right now.
The CIN III, for me, is more an issue because of the sudden change, not so much the prognosis for the future. I am just worried that so many of my cells have started to show abnormalities in such a short amount of time. I know they can deal with it quite swiftly.
And the guy... while he still occupies a lot of my thoughts, it is mainly because of unanswered questions. I know and appreciate that the train has departed and there is nothing I can do; he has made his position more than clear. I am very inquisitive at heart and have always needed to be able to understand to let something go and it irks me that, in this case, I probably never will. I felt he owed me an explanation at least, to have gone from constant reassurance and going out with me to turning around and putting a massive barrier up.
What stuck out, though, was what he said about not wanting to go too deep with anyone, although he said it almost as a side-thought. I know I poked the right sort of places, questioned things and deducted them and that he was obviously not comfortable to share any of this; I think, in a way, that was a bit of a threat. My therapist says she has seen many people like this over the years, who end up very lonely once they reach a certain age. He is mid-40s now; he is not too far off.
Ah well. In any case, he would always have been hard work, and I don't need that in my busy life.