To think it's ok to make myself sick sometimes?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Ok I know not everyone does it. But I make myself sick if I've drunk too much or if I feel like I'm bloated and had loads to eat. It makes me feel better. Today I ate 6 packets of crisps because I feel stressed. I made myself sick. That doesn't mean I have an eating disorder though does it? I feel better, I don't plan to do it again, but I feel better now. Cleansed I suppose.

I have done this when stressed - binge eat then puke it up .
It has left me with worn down enamel on my teeth and bad acid reflux .
Please get help .

I used to think this when I was a teen, I was wrong. I was ravaged by bulimia at uni.

It IS bulimia Op, particularly if it's a binge (6 packs of crisps is a binge) and then purge (vomiting). Eating when stressed also shows you're using food as an emotional crutch which is symptomatic of an ED.

It will get worse. It will go from eating too much or feeing bloated, to throwing up because you ate a sandwich and felt too full, to throwing up a salad because 'why keep it in'.

It doesn't start as 'I want to be thin' often. It starts because you use food for your emotions but then feel ill or guilty or bloated.

When you've drunk too much is a bit different as it's mostly your brain and body realising that you've had way too much and are making yourself ill. A lot of people have a tactical chunder - but you need to control your drinking if this is more than very occasionally realising you've gone too far with the drink.

Stop lying to yourself, it is a LOT harder to stop when you're in the depths of it - and your hair will fall out, your teeth will chip.

Oh and you'll put on weight, not lose it as soon 6 packs of crisps will seem like a light snack.

Ah I see you have been bulimic before. My tenth also have no damage but that doesn't mean they won't be affected when we are old age.

I know how you feel when you say it is instinctive and how shit the GPS can be about it... but you and I both know it hurts the mind to carry on.

I won't put weight on. I am not finding it helpful when people say why I should stop either. I already know that.
The last time I stopped doing it I used alternate day fasting which reset my appetite and completely eliminated the desire to purge.
I think there's an idea that I can stop doing it and suddenly I'll be better! I won't be depressed or anxious or stressed anymore. That's not the case. The underlying cause needs to be addressed to solve the issue. I need to find alternate ways of dealing with stress.

But alternate day fasting is just another form of disordered eating. It does not demonstrate that you are in control of your binging/purging cycle. Therapy should help you find a different outlet for your negative feelings. Could you afford to go privately if you cannot access support quickly via nhs.

I can't afford it in terms of time or money. What I need is practical support with my children/job/etc. I am not sure how talking about it will help the fact that I'm working from 6 am to 10 pm

May I ask why your job is so many hours?

It isn't. I get up at 6 to get three dc ready. Get into work (HOD of core subject at school) usually for 7.30. I often have meetings/open evenings. Today I'm going back into work for an evening that finishes at 9.30. A friend is babysitting thankfully but I'll have to wash uniform etc and make lunches for the morning. I'm organising extra curricular stuff that means I'm working Saturday. But effectively I'm on the go from early morn till late at night. I have no life really and no reserves for anything that life might throw at me. I can't step down though once this big extra curricular activity finishes in a few weeks, things will hopefully calm a little.

By working I mean on the go, sometimes in school, sometimes working at home or sorting kids.

Oh, this is a NC from earlier - sorry.

I didn't mean to just tell you to 'stop'. You hadn't mentioned in your OP that you have been bulimic before so I assumed it was a new behaviour which would be more simple to stop in its tracks.

You have to want to stop. You have to recognise the effect it could be having on your subconscious mind.

Are you freehand?

OP- with respect.

I’m also a LP with v v v little support.
I get up at 6 with my 2 year old.
Im at my desk- senior managerial role in a creative industry- but small team and charity element to our work- so no small amount of pressure- by 8.30 most days.
I work through until 5.15, nursery pick up, get home, do dinner, bath and bed, then housework until 8/9pm.
Then I pick up my laptop and keep on top of my ridiculous workload until 11 or midnight most nights.
I’m so time poor, I answer personal emails, do the grocery shop and pay bills while I take a shit at work- excuse the graphic nature of this, but really, truly- when you can’t even just take a shit because there isn’t time, you understand time-poor.

The SINGLE hour in the week for me, is therapy, 4.30-5.30, (I leave work 45 mins early, and get the baby 15 mins later) with a therapist who charges me £50 per session (some work pro bono, some are more expensive). Many months I can’t afford the bill and it goes on my credit card.

And no it doesn’t change the act that I’m unsupported, overworked, underpaid and currently waiting to find out if the tumour removes from me a week ago says I have cancer...

But fuck me, if it doesn’t at least help me
address all of that shit- and not spiral into ocd, self harm, ED or depression.

And I’ll make an hour and take the hit for that. I’m worth it. You are too,

I find this statement from your OP particularly poignant.

I feel better, I don't plan to do it again, but I feel better now.

The 'I don't plan to do it again' is so at odds with your OP, the motivation to write the thread, and with everything else you've said subsequently on the thread.

How have you been today, OP?

Something has to change, I think you are aware of that.
Can you identify anything that would make a small difference to your day?

I'm ok thank you. I feel like I've made too much of it really - I've eaten normally and I'm just home now from a work thing. It's not daily or anything. I think I am a bit lonely as well, so probably the poster who thought I posted for attention was partly right.

I think I would like to have someone to talk to who wasn't a child or someone I work with. That would be nice. Not necessarily about anything serious.
It's quite lonely doing a hard day at work and coming home and not being able to chat about it.

Yes, I get that. I am a single parent and work at home.
Some days I don't talk to an adult.

Well done for eating normally.

How did you recover from your ED before? With professional help?

No I never had professional help. I just stopped. I usually eat normally, so I think I've given the wrong impression on this thread.

The reason I asked is because I was going to share some of the advice I have been given from the professionals, but didn't want to patronise you.
That's all.

You are welcome to pm me, EDs can be a very lonely place.

Well it looks like you were right and I did it again tonight. I'm on my own and just feel self loathing so I'm not all that bothered about hurting myself really. I'm not sure I want to be told off though and that puts me off posting.

Take it as a sign that at the moment, you’re not in control of your eating disorder. You need to seek help from somewhere, whether that’s a beat helpline or your gp.

I do feel like I'm alternating between restricting and eating. I feel overwhelmed though. Work is awful.

Do you feel able to make an appt with your GP?
It's a hard step but it sounds like you need support.
I have not been told off! I've been told I'm making bad choices (I know) and the consequences (again, I know) but this goes along side working on identifying triggers, taking tiny steps, self awareness and above all a swing to ME taking control.

It's hard to get an appointment and I can't take time off. There is also a long waiting list for any counselling etc. Plus I would still need another coping mechanism.