To think it's ok to make myself sick sometimes?

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Ok I know not everyone does it. But I make myself sick if I've drunk too much or if I feel like I'm bloated and had loads to eat. It makes me feel better. Today I ate 6 packets of crisps because I feel stressed. I made myself sick. That doesn't mean I have an eating disorder though does it? I feel better, I don't plan to do it again, but I feel better now. Cleansed I suppose.

I use interdental brushes three times daily, mouthwash, electric toothbrush, hygienist every three to six months. I also bleach them which I don't do in a bulimic phase obvs. But they are healthy at the moment.
It's not great for the heart, no. I would like to be happy and to cope without doing this.

No way are you 11 stone - unless you're 6'2. You can see how slight you are in your pic.

Yes, your teeth are lovely, as are your lips and you have got away with it not damaging them so far but things change as you get older and you need to look after yourself more, as your body isn't as robust.

OK, so some self harm alternatives can be snapping elastic band on wrist, grip ice cube in hand, chew ice cube, draw on yourself with red pen (washable or non-visible area)
There is a great CBT book you can get - Mind Over Mood - Greenberger and Padesky.
Try some alternatives, OP.
Good luck and best wishes.

The reason I vomited the 6 packets of crisps was because I felt shame. Deep shame

Bulimia. This isn't something you 'used to have' it is something you have right now.

& this is interesting & might be worth a read:

www.psycom.net/long-term-effects-of-bulimia/

It's mainly the electrolyte balance that is the issue though - it will affect the way you feel - physically and mentally, how your body functions - you aren't just vomiting up the crisps but also essential things your body actually needed, not to mention the fluid. The teeth thing is a red herring - if you have strong teeth with good enamel they'll be fine - but don't think that that means you are off the hook!

Clearly you know all this and I utterly sympathise with you - admitting the problem is back is the first step...it is up to you to take the next one.

Another one here too.

I don’t consider myself bulimic but I guess I am. I’ve never told a soul and I’ve been doing it for about 15 years. I’m better than I was but I still do it a few times a week when I feel I’ve overeaten because if I get that bloated feeling I just feel awful.
I’ve found that eating little and often helps me control it a little but if I have a large meal then I end up making myself sick.

Hope you’re ok op xx

Thank you, I will try some of these suggestions. I feel better for putting on here, even though it has been hard to hear at times. I think it's important I've acknowledged it.

Heart attacks - yes, it is true. And it happens. See Karen Carpenter IIRC and many others.(I used to work on eating disorder unit). The electrolyte imbalance caused by the vomit causes the heart to stop.

I do this also and have done for over twenty years. I also couldn't stop and didn't want to stop even though I got dentures when I was 26 and even when I was in hospital for days at a time on a potassium drip on the edge of death despite drinking disgusting potassium supplements four times a day, or lying on my sofa unable to get up without blacking out. Or locked up in an EDU on a section.

I think I had to come to a point where I realised that life would be better if I wasn't a slave to food. I realised that I wasn't happy and that even though I loved food and could eat for eight hours every day and still be so underweight that my periods stopped, I was losing more than weight.

I decided to get well. I was probably helped by CAT therapy through the eating disorder team. Or maybe it just got to the point where I didn't want it any more.

Unfortunately I didn't find it easy and things got worse before they got better. But I am now only eating for four hours a day and am healthy weight, or a bit over. And more importantly I can go out to uni or to the library for 6-8 hours six days a week and not really think of food. I can eat a sandwich at lunch time while working and not have to rush to purge or go to the canteen for more food. I can talk and think about other things than food and what and when my next fix will be.

I am so jealous impressed that you were able to stop for so long, and sorry that this has come back. But even if you may not meet the diagnostic criteria for bulimia at the moment, you know in your heart that it is an addiction (the eating and surprisingly for many people, the vomiting too) and it will get worse.

The time when my eating disorder was the most severe was the four years leading up to me deciding to stop. It hadn't been too bad for a while before that, although that was largely because I was in hospital for ten years (not for eating disorder) and didn't have the freedom to eat and sometimes didn't have the freedom to purge either. So I got out of hospital and started eating the odd packet of biscuits and throwing up. As I say, it very quickly got me into the state mentioned above.

Sorry, I'm not trying to make this about me, or to scare you, as that would be pointless as you are the only one who can make the decision to change. I just want you to know that there is hope but also to encourage you if there's any way you can get help then take it. Even if it's opening up to an understanding friend. My sister has emetophobia but has been so amazing.

I actually just came on to tell you about a book I was recommended by a nurse therapist when I decided to get well and couldn't. It is a practical self help book that is recommended as a treatment. I was meant to read it and work through it guided by this nurse, but by then I was off my CTO and when I was too depressed and too busy eating 17 hours a day to be able to get to appointments. But it is a really good book and when I started reading it in a bed in A&E after overdosing out of despair at not getting better, it made me want to live because it gave me hope.

Here is the Amazon link. Hope it works. It is called 'Overcoming Binge Eating' by Christopher Fairburn.

www.amazon.co.uk/Overcoming-Binge-Eating-Second-Program/dp/1572305614/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ref=plSrch&keywords=fairburn+overcoming+binge+eating&dpPl=1&dpID=51HaeADYkhL&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1542233686&sr=8-1

Yeah so again, sorry for waffling on. It's just an issue close to my heart and I hate to see people going down that path, even though you know perfectly well what it's like. But maybe someone else reading this doesn't.

Good luck and take care and I hope you feel better soon so that you don't need comfort food. Xx

Re the teeth thing, mine looked fine but were a little sensitive, though I hardly noticed. They were basically rotten from the inside out. Anorexia though, not bulimia. I don't know if you get such nutritional deficiencies with bulimia.

I don't say this to be harsh but because I would minimise what I was doing to myself and not take it seriously. I sort of wish someone would have helped me to see consequences more but, I made my own mistakes.

Good luck OP.

Blue Karen carpenter was anorexic! Her body packed in because she was so frail and skinny I thought?
I don't want to encourage ED or trigger but I don't see how the way I do it could possibly cause an electrolyte imbalance/heart attack (so I won't go into detail). But the fear of that whether it's true or not might be the thing to make me try and stop once and for all. If there's no warning though it's too late anyway
I hope people don't just say these things as a scare tactic

I used to do this if id had too much sweet stuff and I sometimes do it now if I feel really really full

I don't know anything at all about about bulimia. But I am a working Mum, and I do understand the deep need from within to just have 5 minutes where you're not relied / depended on, needed for something, and just have time for you and a bit of headspace. And that's not as a single parent either.
So perhaps for you, it's a way of control, when so many other aspects of your life are somewhat 'controlled' or perhaps restricted by others... family / work / children etc?
I might be really far off the mark.
But anyway, do you have smart tv or phone where you try some meditation or yoga of an evening. I always thought it was a load of nonsense, but when I was having a bad patch, I tried some yoga and I felt so much more calm, had better quality sleep and my headspace was a lot clear.. maybe worth a shot?

I think KC was vomiting too. I know of bulimics who have arrested.
I used to work on an eating disorder unit. I'm not making this up. Patients did die. Bulimics and anorexics. You don't just die if you are too thin.

Shit. Thank you though for answering

Heart attacks - yes, it is true. And it happens. See Karen Carpenter IIRC and many others.(I used to work on eating disorder unit). The electrolyte imbalance caused by the vomit causes the heart to stop

Isn't this what happened to Amy winehouse too? She had a heart irregularity caused by bulimia which was exacerbated by alcohol and resulted in her death

I hope people don't just say these things as a scare tactic

No, bulimics and anorexics really do have serious health consequences from their illnesses.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/bulimia/

There are many health risks with repeatedly making oneself sick, which go beyond damage to teeth. Forced purging brings stomach juices up the throat and those stomach juices are strong enough to break down food, so they need to ideally remain in the stomach. The repeated forced retching of the throat itself will be damaging the inner skin of the mouth and throat. Purgers feel better because they feel they have redeemed themselves by getting rid of what they have just consumed.
I think one way to tackle this, OP, if you want to, is to try to change how you feel about yourself. As you have said, you do it because it is a way to express self-hate. This is the root of the issue. One suggestion would be to perhaps seek out a life coach, who can help you reframe the way you think about yourself (maybe in addition to seeing a [different] GP, and a therapist). Life coaches by their nature tend to be positive influences. The very best of luck to you. I'm so sorry.

So can the heart problem sort itself out if the vomiting stops or is it a lifetime thing? (Trying not to panic!)

If the vomiting stops, your electrolytes should return to normal (with a normal diet) and yes, you would reduce the risk. Reversible.
The deranged electrolytes causes immediate cardiac response, but when they normalise, you should be ok.

So it's not so much cardiac damage, just a cardiac response to electrolytes (blood chemistry) being out of normal range.

Blanche my heart is fine now. I had an ECG only last week. If you're worried that you may be in trouble, please get your electrolytes checked (blood test). You may not feel any symptoms of low potassium but your heart can stop. It is true. I've been rushed to hospital several times for IV potassium because it is so dangerous. I also had oral potassium for years. It's easily fixed and even if you can't stop purging, you can have the supplements to stop you dying (sorry to be blunt, but there's no point sugar coating it). My potassium is normal now and I have no lasting effects on my heart. I hope you are able to stop - get out now before it gets worse. Xx

Ha! I meant to say that from the outside I appear to be "a good mum...." etc. Sorry, my pp looks really arrogant.

I haven't had bloods done for ages, but have been feeling a bit faint recently - mostly when standing.

I feel such an idiot.

@Farontothemaddingcrowd it's the first step. And you've done so well to take that step tonight.

Tomorrow morning you need to look at some helplines and see about self referring for some counselling.

I had anorexia (binge purge variant) as a teenager, and lapsed into bulimia a few years later, when life was a bit shitty. I've found if I can stop myself eating too much in one go I can stop myself purging. It's hard though. I've been basically okay for the last 10 years (albeit too fat), but it's never that far below the surface - if things get bad the first thing I think of doing is eating less or purging. I know this isn't much help, just wanted to let you know I get it.