Parents of anxious kids/ teens support thread

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi
Welcome to parents of anxious/ teens thread.idea is to share tips and advice and listen and support each other on days things are getting tougher

I have given up with eating at school currently. What year is she in? DD1 is in yr 7 so there is a bit more flexibility- she can take a cereal bar and eat it at break for example. I’m making do with breakfast (at 4am!) and a big snack after school.

bigbus that's actually quite big progress for her
Eust echo other posters,can she eat elsewhere?a quiet bench outside on a sunny day?a snack(cereal bar?) at break?
My D's couldn't face the hurly burly of lunch area so he sat in quiet place,joys slightly more flexibility of secondary(when he still attended...)

She is in year 7. We have tried so many packed lunch variants it is ridiculous. She wont eat outside because it is still dirty and very crowded which also causes anxiety.

We have talked it through with her and she thinks that she could get an infection if she ate near the dirt/germs. And an infection could ultimately lead to death. She would rather eat cereal at home where she knows it is clean.

My heart is breaking but at least I am understanding it a bit more :(

eust at least she can verbalise her worries to you

Thanks zoo. You are right. It takes us a long time to get to this point but eventually I seem to be able to extract the issue.

She has agreed that if we lay off the lunch time pressure she will try and eat a teacake or muffin/nutella and an orange and/or frube after school, or cereal on some days (she would have it every day if I let her). We will then have a later dinner around 7.30. No idea if this will work or not but it might reduce the constant disappointment of us giving her food and her not eating it.

How is everyone coping themselves today? Any plans for the weekend?

eust it's always worth trying an idea a few times.

We had to go shopping.we decided to get D's walking boots as not in school and we walk loads.he has gone up two shoesizes but not mentioned current shoes are uncomfy
We also pop wilko(on same retail park) as he wanted to buy a cacti(he loves them)for me for mother's Day.
Then to Tesco so girls could chose things and for couple of bits for lunch.he wobbled in Tesco,but tbh it was busy etc .my frustration is come 5pm when he starts rev up his evening anxiety he tends "relive" how stressful it was,rather than be able to see it as an achievement he did it

Church today,think maybe a dvd and snuggles on sofa pm

Hope everyone doing ok

Zoo - I can get the not acknowledging success as dd does this. Her last therapist suggested a bead jar with rewards so she could visibly see the successes mounting, and reap some benefits. Back to like when they were little... we quite often forget tbh but it does seem to be the only way she wont 'brush over'the good things that happen and focus on the negatives

eust that's a great idea!for those in UK hope mothering Sunday went ok.mine included a blocked loo,furballs in the girls room and a big row over no one bothering to help sort school uniforms for laundry!it ended well as we went for a walk at a reservoir that's 30 mins away by car(hopefully photo attached for anyone that needs a soothing place to abscond into)

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh!

So DH has just literally had to drag DD to school this morning.
We all screwed up, clocks going forward should not have had an effect but it did and we overlaid. Three all needing bathroom at the same time.
I then find DD has not done a homework that was due that DH was meant to have overseen. Trying to do that whilst packing her bag and throwing clothes on her. Then her glasses have gone missing.
DH complaining he has a 9 o'clock and is going to be late.
Ring school to tell them she will be in the second lesson.
DD hysterical, refusing to go in now because she is scared of the teacher who will shout at her.
I just want to roll into a ball and stay like that.

Oh no rage
Hope tonight is smoother and things are better tomorrow

Oh no Rage. Hope today is better.
Major episode for us this morning :(

Oh thank you, lovelies, bless you both
Sorry to hear that eustacia as zoo said to me yesterday, I hope yo have a better tomorrow.
This morning slightly better for DD2 - she got out on time (just!) just not early.
So...yesterday she bumped into her scary teacher on the way to class. Teacher asked: Why are you so late?
Her reply and I quote: ''My parents had a row''
Not quite sure where to go with that.
Yes, we did end up arguing but that was the bloody effect of being late in the first place not the damned cause! I asked her how that helped and she said I didn't expect her to throw herself under the bus, surely?!
Well, no DD but I sure as hell didn't expect you to commandeer said bus and reverse it over me.
Any way, it was DD1's turn to strop this morning. They all take it in turns. Tis like Will Self's Quantum Theory Of Insanity round these parts.
When I was younger I had an Annie Lawson postcard which said something like Grey Knickers Grey Knickers Grey Knickers...One day I will have a drawer of gleaming White Knickers and it will seem Normal!!!!
Now I am older the dream of gleaming white knickers has become the dream that One day One day One Magical Day All my children will be in a calm constant mood AT THE SAME TIME for the first time ever!
Maybe they draw lots and it is a secret conspiracy to torture me.

Yo??!!
You, clearly.
I am neither young nor cool enough to get away with yo, y'all or other such slang.
Have a good day y'all
Nope. See. I told you.

rage maybe they get given a handbook/set of rules as mine take it in turns to antagonize mum,if I'm really "lucky" I can get a tandum attack...
Eust want talk about what happened?

I'm feeling cross.took D's to wellbeing and local MP was there with her very yappy dog(must be one of her regular drop ins,but not usually with damn mutt raising merry hell)there's a regular church lady with a pup that's very well behaved and D's loves pet her,but this dog took him over the edge and we didn't manage long.i hate politics even more than ever

Rage I definitely get you with this - I call it the anxiety relay race! DD1 is doing much better so now it’s DD2s turn! Although, to be fair she did have some pretty nasty kids at school and actually she’s managed pretty well given the situation - which is much better now. Sometimes I feel like if for one minute I let myself think how well things seem to be going I somehow cause everything to go to shit again!

I’m a bit annoyed about something that’s probably ridiculous so I thought I’d run it past you guys. DH and I don’t usually like to share our problems with wider family for many reasons and I think that’s ok. However, due to how things were around Christmas we had to tell MIL (my mum lives v close so already knew bits of it). Also one time my mum was looking after all the kids and SIL came round - DD1 has massive meltdown (partly because SIL was there and she finds different people difficult) then apparently SIL was in tears (doesn’t have kids of her own, she’s a bit older) - which quite frankly I thought at the time ffs this is not about you! Anyway, it was what it was. SIL used to be quite close to DD1 when she was little but she kept cancelling things until eventually DD1 felt let down and now doesn’t really have much of a relationship with her. MIL also hasn’t spent much time with the kids for various reasons and is quite old fashioned so when we are there she never really gets to see the fun side of them.

We are all going on a family holiday next week (lots of family but in different lodges so quite a good compromise). Anyway, my mum told me that MIL phoned her all worried about DD1 etc. I just feel really pissed off about this. I hate that MIL is going behind our backs to talk to my mum. If MIL knew DD1 she would know that actually she’s doing much better and also she really hates any kind of fuss - as do I. DHs family tend to label people and not to change their minds so now it feels like DD1 is always going to be defined by this issue even though she has so much going for her in other ways. If DD1 feels under scrutiny she will react by withdrawing and getting upset which will just confirm their idea of her. I hope some of this makes sense. I wish we had never told them. None of this feels supportive at all. It feels like now not only do I have to manage DD1s anxiety, I also have to manage MIL and SILs anxiety about DD1s anxiety!!

Sorry for the long rant. Thanks for listening!

bigbus you don't have to manage another adult.you concentrate on what matters.your DD.its sad when people have old fashioned views and labels,but that's their right to be stuck in a cosy stick people in boxes rut and as such the priority is ensuring you reiterate to DD it IS their problem they can't find empathy or be supportive as adults SHOULD BE
I wish I could wave a wand and make it easier for you,but I cannot.fwiw,my sister and I have a strained speak if see each other in person,but no other contact relationship as she has no time for me as I was the anxious child(and the baby of the family) and I think fair assumption she hates me with a passion.it took me a long time to accept that's her choice and not my failing.i got there by acknowledging how I would react in the given circs in her shoes.i KNOW I'd be supportive.you could try using that tactic with D's how would she respond if she were in their shoes.empathy for others is an underated skill,and make a point of saying how important you think it is.i hope your DH backs child not mother.sending huge hugs

Big bus- listen to zoo. Your priority is dd, not everyone else's feelings. They are not children :/

Camhs today for us.last week before student leaves
School also rang yesterday.works waiting at reception for pick up today.only taken a week now SENCO have taken charge of it,as opposed to the time wasted since Xmas and me continually asking,but it's a win of sorts!!

Thank you guys for your support. Of course you are right I must put DCs first and not worry about in-laws - except that their behaviour makes DD1 worse (hence the full scale meltdown last time SIL was here) but I must remember that things are a bit better now. I am really looking forward to the week away.

Zoo I’m glad things are finally getting somewhere. Are you worried about the student going? Will the change really affect DS?

I thought it might bigbus but he's not formed tight attachment with her it seems(maybe as they ask him to do things that make him feel uncomfortable?)I liked her a lot,she "got" him
Picking up the schoolwork today.hope we can figure out how to do it(maths especially isn't a strong point for me !)

Sorry not to talk about this week. It's just been too stressful tbh.
On a positive note we have sorted the private psych referral for June.
And school have said dd can eat in student support rather than canteen after Easter where its cleaner so hopefully she might start eating a bit.

eust sorry to hear this week's been so difficult
Good news about possible resolution for eating lunch(will keep fingers X at start new term it helps)

DS homework package was better than expected.whilst maths,geography,history,science all on line links his English and ethics teachers(favourite subjects) have gone all out with photo copy sheets and lesson plans so we can thoroughly tackle Romeo and Juliet and creation,culminating in creating an ethical zoo❤️he has food tech too,creating healthy eating menu plan

Thank you for this thread!
My 17 year old has horrific health anxiety (due to a lot of death in the family - her twin, all grandparents, dog and others) and we are awaiting a course of CBT for her. Yet it's constant and it's something that me and my husband can't help her with. For instance, last night she woke me up at 3am because she thought she had a temperature and was going to die. Me and my husband get annoyed at her because while we know she can't help it, it is constant. She'll ask me questions about rashes on her arms, temperature, headaches whatever you name it. I just don't know how to support her at all. She has her Year 12 mock exam tomorrow and I'm worried she won't do well in it because of the constant worry.

Susan welcome. I’m sorry things are so tough for you at the moment. I also find the constantness of it all very trying at times and find it hard not to get irritated. I also worry about DD1’s school work although she’s only on yr7, but somehow she managed to keep up with it. Her main problem is emetophobia (vomit phobia) but this comes with massive health anxiety for herself and for anyone near her. Any slight change in how she feels or how others look or behave makes her terrified that she or they are about to be sick. I have tried to look at the anxiety in the same way I would approach a physical illness that has good days and bad days and this has really helped because it has stopped me blaming myself or thinking that she should be able to pull herself out of this. She’s been having some therapy for about 3 months and we have more good days than bad days now but I don’t think she’ll ever not suffer with it.

Sending you lots of good wishes

bigbus thank you - I hope your daughter's anxiety ease in time. I also believe my daughter will never not suffer from it and I do worry for her future as it's just me and my husband. Hopefully mine will get some sleep tonight lol!