Parents of anxious kids/ teens support thread

[Stilllivinginazoo]

Hi
Welcome to parents of anxious/ teens thread.idea is to share tips and advice and listen and support each other on days things are getting tougher

I'm not happy that make a change right?
School are saying there's no other option but keep bringing him in and get in state won't go seperate class come home.hes classed as school refusal.having googled all that entails it seems unfair as he's anxious ALL THE FRICKING TIME. Noise,traffic,seperation from me, strange unexpected changes to routine,more freaked out by textures in his food is a relatively new one(never eaten chewy stuff).he's stressed enough be off his food despite clinging to edge underweight(again.he failed to thrive as a baby and has had input from dietetics try keep his weight stable,he normally eats huge volumes to keep his weight teetering on normal,but I fear he's plummeted underweight now)
School say that he is breaking law non attendance as they are offering provision(be in SENCO quieter class) he's not allowed any work at home as discourages inclusion so we are approaching 3weeks without school work
I'm getting very frustrated about what to do for the best.im not convinced I could adequately homeschool so I'm not sure it's the answer plus he then has no social time and because I don't drive and have anxiety issues involving public transport we are limited to possibilities(plus 2 other DC still at home and I live seperate from dp so I function as a single parent/have no help)

Sorry for the whinger.just needed offload before we get to 6pm and he starts the nightly anxiety breakdown/crying/worrying about events if the day/worrying about tomorrow....

Oh zoo I am so sorry. Please let it all out - you're amongst caring friends here. I can't believe the school is so unhelpful! Would getting any medical documentation (for anxiety, etc) to them help? Gosh I too am livid for you.

My ds2 is same with food so I understand concerns about weight. Both my ds' are so slim.

Sending you peace, a hand hold, and anything else you need. (Ps I don't drive either)

Just got this in the post today.aimed at kids up to 12 it explains how worry works.fab analogy of tomatoes...if you plant a tomato seed and take care of it it grows tomatoes.if you take care of it and give it attention you end up with lots of tomatoes.more than you can eat!!
If you neglect the seed it does.same as a worry.it also has tips for "worry time"(15 mins a day you are allowed to express worries.rest of time imagine put in a box with a lock and do something else) and how to talk back to worry" bullies" and about taking care of yourself.ds is immature and at top end of age range for this book but I am going to try implementing and working our way thru the tips and practise the ideas(it says in the book read a chapter and practise for a few days before going to the next one)

Could be futile if D's won't engage but for now I have a little bit of hope!

*neglect the seed it dies,not does!!

Thanks for the handhold Viking
We are approaching worry o'clock and he's becoming agitated a bit...
Going to get a nice sausage casserole in progress before he's in full swing to scoff later(yes I do think about food as a comfort when I probably shouldn't!!)and my risotto was the unctuous thanks

Wow what a crap response from the school :(

School refusal is a term bandied about far too readily IME. How about actually looking at the reason the child is too terrified to set foot in the building FFS. Do they think kids go through all this just because they can’t be arsed to go?

My DS was labelled as such. I’d have to drag him literally kicking and screaming especially on assembly days. They told me it was because he “didn’t like sitting still” 🙄

Whereas I’d been to assemblies before and had seen him literally cowering in fear at the noise (echoey footsteps, lots of voices singing etc) with his hands over his ears 😰 they wouldn’t even let him try ear defenders as he was making it up apparently.

Zoo I’m so angry for you, they are treating you and your lovely lad with contempt, and I have seen it happen so bloody often.

I totally get your worries about homeschooling, obviously I am biased and know it can work but it is very wise to be aware of limitations. But you know where I am if it comes to it and you need any advice. I think giving him work at home is good, it is fucking stupid that they aren’t giving him any.

If he had a physical illness that meant he couldn’t get to school for a few weeks would they be leaving him to flounder with no work and sounding off about breaking the law? No, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t.

Cagliostro so well said!! This is so unfair for your DS zoo. It's madness!

Cag my 15 year old has been out of school for one week. I'm overseas so it's a bit different where I am , and DS has asd so the school has approached this differently. I have an appt tomorrow with the principal and other staff - will see what they tell me. Anxiety can be crippling...seriously, school staff should know this simple fact! My ds cannot handle noise either.. and his high school has 1000 students. Been there at dismissal and it's positively deafening.

and handholds

Zoo - that is just terrible and I imagine you are all over the place thinking where to go from here. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for tomorrow and the way forward . Please vent away - you must really need to get it all out of your system. I wish we had all the answers, too!

It's not been a great evening here. It turns out dd has not been eating lunch. She has been eating 2 rice cakes during the school day. At first she said she doesn't like the food they sell in the canteen which was believable because she is fussy but initially she told me she did like it. Eventually it came out she finds the canteen and outdoor eating areas too overwhelming and loud and has been eating the rice cakes alone in the locker room. Then a whole lot of stuff followed about being too fat and chunky not wanting to get fatter or have her body change. Also feeling "average", not good enough at everything, her brain not working. And lots more crying and pleading with me to not make her go back.

I have emailed the head of year as she asked to be kept in the loop after her distress last Friday. I have reassured and encouraged but it is like talking to a brick wall. I am hoping at least some of it is extreme exhaustion.

Oh, and she also says she feels like she needs to do something dreadful. I haven't felt able to pass that on to the school yet.

Sending hugs to all. It's definitely like hitting head against a brick wall my dd's anxieties don't really manifest in school (that I'm aware of) so I can only imagine how difficult it is, no real experience. It seems my dd is at her "happiest" in school or in her bedroom so I have nothing to offer except

nastycats what a nightmare of worry for you.not in the same league,but when my girls talk about be fat we try and step away to focus on having a strong healthy body and how to achieve that(if I'm am sounding patronising please ignore me as it's not my intention)good school are asking to be informed tho.i too would keep last bit to myself for now.its hard to think clearly when tired(and hungry) I really hope today is a better one for you
Viking good luck with meet at school today.ley us know how it goes!
Hmmbeans it's good that school offers her apleasant experience.maybe it's the distraction or social interaction if she's good with people?doesn't diminish how difficult thing are for you.each child has their own triggers and we bear the full brunt of that and the guilt they aren't happy
Cag that's hideous what happened to D's.no wonder you opt HE.advise is much appreciated.

Thank for all the support/lovely words yesterday.

Let's hope we all get a chunk of positivity in there today!!

Hello,
Just looking for some help and support. Having one of those days where I just feel helpless and desparate.
Our daughter, aged 12 has been experiencing severe anxiety for the last year. She has been diagnosed with a panic disorder, as well as generalised anxiety and social anxiety. It has meant she hasnt attended school fully for over a year despite many attempts to get her back in. They have all resulted in panic attacks. She is currently being home schooled.
Just wondering whether anyone has found a really effective therapist/pyschologist treating anxiety? Or a course for kids struggling in this way? She was bullied which has been the real trigger. Has anyone found good courses for social anxiety? or managing friendships?
We have tried CAMHS (negligent in their care). We have also tried 3 different physchologists but nothing seems to make the difference. We tried medication but it fuelled suicidal thoughts. Just don't know what to do next.
Thank you.

Hi everyone - I hope the school meetings and just dealing with the day is going well today. How is the book going, Zoo? I have heard people have had good results from it but it didn't work for DD.

Timber - I'm so sorry, that is awful for your DD and you. I wish I had some helpful advice. I have found CAHMS pretty awful. We tried to find a private therapist to help us in the summer but everyone seemed to be fully booked for months on end. I did get a reference from a friend but then we decided to wait as the new school have a counsellor and we thought it would be better for her to see someone on site rather than have to leave school for appointments and also if were going to find the fees difficult, anyway. It must feel like a dead end - I hope something can be found soon.

HoY was very helpful with DD. Apparently there is a peer mentoring room for children who find the lunchtimes too much - they can go and do quiet activities. Also, she has suggested DD talks to the counsellor but didn't call her a counsellor so DD wasn't freaked out. I certainly do model healthy eating, food as fuel, exercise and healthy lifestyle, all things in moderation, etc. I love food but am not overweight. I feel that maybe DD is just using food as a weapon of protest.

I really hope everyone is having a better day...

timber123 welcome
I'm just embarking on help route for D's.hes 12 and we are being assessed by cahms on 8th november.hes not been able to cope with school for 3weeks,no obvious support from them.i gave no answers.i posted a pic upthread if a book we're trying(started yesterday)
Always welcome to hop in and out and please feel free to offload it all here.we are all very supportive and there are no judgy pants here

Xposts cats hoy sounds really supportive.good to hear of a school that's trying!

DS was very stressed walking in lil zoo.we agreed he would try and just walk to SENCO unit with staff and come straight back,not entering in.he did it but cry/panic all the way home...is that a win?hard for me as a parent to judge as terrible watch your child so distressed
He's calmer now having researched peacock spiders for a little factfile he's doing(try keep him focused) and he was giggling away at a mating ritual dance he stumbled upon set to YMCA song.was lovely hearing him laugh.feels like a while since it happened...

Hi friends

Sorry to hear there isn't a lot of change with our dcs although cats that sounds quite hopeful. Finger crossed!

Welcome Timber - very sorry to hear about your dd's anxiety. I wish I could offer some helpful advice but am not in the UK . I would say that medication can make someone feel much worse before they feel better. But yes it's tricky getting to that point when your child is only 12.

I am now intrigued by peacock spiders and am off to Google them! Good for your ds, Stilllivinginazoo - I'm so pleased he is enjoying the project.

I hope everyone has a calm weekend and a bit of a break from all the school traumas. Dd ate two Yorkshire puddings last night so i am hoping she is not worrying so much. She seems to have got on ok at school on Friday but won't say much. Dd2 s out to a friend's soon so dd1 and I can have some time together which seems to be what she needs at the moment.

cats it sounds promising with your dd, and great that the two of you will be spending quality time today.

Saturday morning here, DS issues have triggered a high level of anxiety in me and mornings are the worst.

School meeting went well. No pressure to return to school and they are proposing something called home instruction, where a certified teacher comes to the home (how often and for how long, I don't know yet). DS falls under extenuating circumstances which I'm trying not to dwell on - that he expressed harm and self harm . Trying to still get psychiatric therapy organized for him.

Hope everyone is doing well this weekend

Viking im pleased school are helpful.

Can I ask how everyone is at weekends?

DS wobbled badly in the supermarket today.sit on floor pant/clutch throat to check pulse.he was in hell tbh,and his little sister tried out dance classes all morning so we pop shop(I had him write a few prices on a list see if cheaper than my go-to shops to distract him) and we were sat in a music centre of a school(dd2) after we got too wet trudge around waiting.luckily dd2 had her and logs into school WiFi so was able to distract him for a large chunk of it...he played Minecraft about an hour before he reappear gasping saying he was struggle breathe and checking his racing pulse.he sat next to me now on sofa clinging his favourite ted.most deffo not just anxious on school days!

zoo, how long until his appt?. Forgive me if you've already tried these, as you seem like such a dedicated mum and probably have tried so much already -

Can noise cancelling headphones help minimize the stress when he is outside? Or listening to music he likes? Stress toys/balls? I really feel for him to have to wait so long for help. How is the book that you bought? Your library should have plenty of anxiety books available - perhaps a CBT type book geared to young people?

Weekends ok here but in the last several weeks I've noticed I struggle with intrusive thoughts. Have the worst habit of worrying about worst case scenarios with my kids. Sometimes want to slap myself to snap out of it!

Hope the weekend is kind to all of us and our dcs

Viking app 8th nov.always open to advice!what are noise cancelling headphones?
Book is good,remind him to do the CBT tasks is uphill task but I'm adamant as I have some anxiety I know the importance of not letting habits entrench!
Sadly my county has ridiculous debts and our local library has closed/many services are restricted or abandoned.only 2left open full hours in the county.one in huge mall,other town centre.whilst D's with me all the time neither are really accessable easily 😢

Tomorrow I need to acquire a pair of shoes that don't leak.luckily we have an Asda George(sells everything from homeward and clothes to food) not far away and it's not a huge store
It's harvest festival at church but not sure I want try get him doing that as it's all age worship/no Sunday school out back.its a struggle to balance doing enough with not pushing him too hard...

Noise-cancelling headphones are supposed to block out all external noise (which may heighten some of DS anxiety?), while allowing him to listen to whatever he likes through the headphones or earphones. There are many available for different budgets. Here's a screenshot from Amazon UK of a popular budget friendly one.

VikingOooh thanks lovely.will check that out!

How's everyone today?

Hi, just catching up with this thread.
I have a 12 yr old DD with severe anxiety and mental health issues. We moved house back in June. She settled quite well into her new secondary school, but has only been in for three out of the last 11 school days.

She's having really high anxiety, says that she doesn't feel safe at school, she's been having intrusive thoughts and seeing things that aren't there when she's at school.

We had a meeting at school this afternoon with three staff and our social worker (DD is adopted) I'm going to try to get her in to school for one lesson tomorrow. I'm so worried that she won't be able to do it and that her school will give up on her

Hey Viking how's things at yours today?

Not a good one here I'm afraid
DS was awful state and SENCO sent two staff members.one hardest wench I've ever met who demanded D's go to unit with them.he refused.she told him he HAD to to break the block we have reached)erm he tried Fri and at least got to the room before coming home) she demanded he go minimum 10 mins and 10 mins increments each day.he totally melted and broke a wooden prayer box in student reception with his fist😞she continued demanding.he said I can't stay I come and then go straight home.she made him promise to do ten tom,twenty next day etc.he said I've got no bloody choice (we are effectively locked into school once inside it unless reception buzzes us out)and went with her to room n back.she told him firmly on hand back to me remember 10 mins minimum tom despite him be distraught.i was start snap and want punch her.i looked her in eye and said I don't think you are considering the impact on him as it's his WHOLE LIFE not just school that he is in this stressed state and I think you are negatively impacted his wellbeing.mustve said loudly as reception had door unlocked as I turn on my heel and storm thru it DS in tow
He cry all way home say how hopeless things are.never be happy again always sad etc.i cracked and rang doc beg for help
He has assessment with doctor wed.nurse asked me loads questions and agreed if I felt was too much for him,don't send him til see then.any concerns deteriorating ring back or see ooh outside their opening times
He's been so strung out not just usualstuff but that they're thinking badly of him and of what's go happen to him (spiritually) for breaking prayer box
Whilst there I asked if the attendance team had spoken to docs.which replied doc be difficult say need me do it(erm no,I need authorise it tho) and docs are making life difficult and is it coincidence that after spoke doc they got more difficult with us

Oh and they've refer us school nurse who will do a home visit(which it seems I get no warning of)

He's in utter meltdown tonight.im in tears watch him sob and grab chest gasping say can't feel heart then it's too fast.im in total despair of how to help him