I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

That looks like heat rash to me, especially with the current weather. My oldest got that at 11 months in a heatwave. Was fine and went away in a few days.

But I'm not medically trained so don't rely on me. Our dd was very robust in health so we didn't worry really, your dd has a very different history.

Yes, I thought heat rash initially but it wasn't at all raised to begin with, just tiny dots under the skin and it is on every bit of her body including the soles of her feet and it has now spread to her face. When I thought it could be heat rash yesterday morning I had her in just her nappy for a while, as she is now, but there was no change. I also had her in the paddling pool for a bit yesterday but the rash hasn't gone down at all, in fact it's got worse. Her temp is 37.5 so not really high. She's though. She's already asleep despite not waking up until around 7am.

I took her to the walk in clinic and they said it's viral and it will go on it's own.

She's really sleepy. She's currently having her 3rd nap of the day.

I'm feeling really low at the moment. I just keep thinking "I can't do this".

Glad you had her checked. Hope she'll be brighter tomorrow.

Keep going, you're doing ok. Just have to be 'good enough' and you are. You sound a lot better than that, to be honest.

This is really sad indulgent, but I know that some of you have been reading from the beginning and I wonder if you could help me out by telling me why I am better than him?

I've been thinking about it and, I know that this is wrong, but I view my worth in relation to being with someone. So the fact that, not only am I not with someone, but he chose to leave me and is now with someone else, means that I feel pathetic, unattractive, stupid, desperate, idiotic, mumsy, fat, boring, nagging and generally a pretty shit human being. From what I've written, please tell me if there is any evidence or indication to the contrary. I'm living with my parents and looking after my children while he's living a life of fun and excitement. I feel jealous and pathetic. And I think he must view me the same. I'd really like to see myself in an alternative way.

Self indulgent, not sad indulgent...although that kind of works too.

Your feelings are natural. He is a twat. He basically couldn't handle the responsibility of DCs anymore - not you. Or maybe you as well because he just wanted an easy life for a while. But it is not personal to you.

It sucks that you don't have that option too but unfortunately once we give birth, there goes the life we once had.

This too shall pass.

You have come a very long way over this thread, this is a bad day when another wave of worry/responsibility has fallen on you. It really will pass and you really will continue to get stronger.

I feel physically sick when I see my XH now. He let my children down badly. I'll never forgive him for that - but I will build the best possible life for me and my DCs.

It's not really about being better than him (or her) though, is it? It's about being happy with your Self. Maybe you need to figure out who you are. What makes you as an individual?

You are looking towards him for validation.
We can pull apart your 'self' beliefs, but if we tell you why are worth something, you are still looking for validation from external sources.

Think about it this way, do you look at other women and think 'oh her husband left her because she's...

... pathetic, unattractive, stupid, desperate, idiotic, mumsy, fat, boring, nagging and generally a pretty shit human being'?

I am sure you would be kind to another woman in that situation so why not be kind to yourself? I do believe that it is worth figuring out how to love yourself. It takes a long time and lots of work, IME, especially after something as painful as this. It is doable and once you achieve it you will look back on this and wonder how you could have written those things about yourself.

The fact you have said those things about yourself seems to me to be part of your continued (understandable) desire to find an explanation for why he left. It's almost like saying, because I'm x, y, z then that explains why he was attracted to/picked her as she's not those things... Or that makes it logical/acceptable as she's not a nag, boring, just had a baby etc.

I don't think this is really about her. It's about him and possibly the DC. She was just a distraction who happened to be there when he was starting to waver about his life.

Another thing to think about is, even if you were all those negative things that you described, does that mean you deserved to be treated poorly? Being fat, mumsy, nagging, boring or whatever doesn't give the other person in a relationship a licence to treat their partner badly. If they do not like those things, they have many other choices they could make such as leaving one relationship without starting another, going to couples counselling, just talking about it etc.

You see your H as a different person to the man that you knew. Now you are seeing yourself as an individual rather than as someone defined by someone else/solely as part of a couple. You will probably have to work out and rebuild your view of yourself. Hang in there. You might also want to discuss this stuff with your counsellor as in sure they would be able to help you.

I know you're right. My confidence and self esteem was extremely low prior to this. Him doing this has rendered it almost nonexistent. I have always looked externally for validation. I can see myself doing it but I can't stop it, even though I know that any positive response or reaction only makes me feel better temporarily. But doing that is a long standing habit. I have never been able to look within myself to confirm that I'm "good enough". I don't know how. I don't even know where I'd begin. It really does seem like an alien concept to me to like myself, let alone love myself. And as he had treated me so badly, I'm started to think I don't deserve to be treated well, not even by myself.

And as he had treated me so badly, I'm started to think I don't deserve to be treated well, not even by myself.

Can you reframe that thought? He treated you badly - so can you make this about him and not you? This is a reflection on him. I can assure you that everyone else sees this as a reflection of his poor choices and actions. No one thinks you or anyone else deserves this type of treatment.

If you have negative self talk, your brain is sort of programmed to automatically choose that default setting. One way I have found of altering it is to immediately counter the thought and repeat the positive thought to myself. So if you think I'm fat, immediately think of the opposite I'm not fat or even I'm slim. I saw your hair photos and you are clearly not fat. Even if you were far, your size does not dictate what type of a person you are or how you should be treated.

You can also, cheesy as it sounds, do daily self affirmations out loud or in your head. I used to do this.

Mind has a useful page on this kind of thing that you might want to check out: mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-esteem/#.WSvvAnPTXqA

Like the negative self talk, seeking external validation is a habit. It takes time (and the desire) to change that and to create a new, better habit. I can't remember how long it is, but if you google it you will see that there is a certain amount of time it takes to form a new habit/pattern. So, I think there is a point where when you are altering your behaviour and mindset, it feels awkward/inauthentic/untrue and is not automatic. Over time, if you keep doing it, it changes and you start to default to the new way and it begins to feel valid and true.

In answer to your earlier question because you are a lovely, caring, loyal and trustworthy person who has always acted as good as you can for your family.
You might be in a crap situation now but you've got the personality and have acted honourably and these things do matter. Eventually you'll meet someone else that deserves you and you'll be much happier.
I wonder if your self esteem issues might well improve after you've bounded from this - him being a bit of a false prop.

I feel really crap today. Not good in terms of the spaced out/light headed feelings and it's making be feel very emotional and desperate. I don't even have the words or energy to explain how I'm feeling. Just not good.

What you are experiencing is pretty much how I felt in the months immediately after I found out about my situation-it's like a stress reaction op. but you are doing well
To manage day to day, and have sort help.
This will get easier, I promise.You just have to ride it out and slowlu get used to your new normal-and then start living again.
And none of it is your fault.Really.

How are you? I am sorry you have been feeling so bad. The way you described it reminded me of anxiety related depersonalisation/dissociation. Have a look at this: www.calmandcourageous.com/anxiety-induced-depersonalisation-and-derealisation/
I hope that you are feeling a little better when you read this.

Thought you might find an update on my situation a welcome distraction, so here goes...

I spent some days crying about it while my parents were away last week. I have been PMSing, which didn't help. I needed that alone time to think and really dig down about it. I wrote loads. It helped. It was the last grieving for him, I think. I decided that I want to date again and at that point, I thought I need to let him go and move on as at my age, I can't be fannying around anymore for this person to decide come to their senses.

Plus, a massive thing was that I decided, you know what? I deserve better! I deserve someone who wants me, who knows they want me and who will commit.

This was reinforced by the fact that I haven't heard back from him (just over two weeks now) and I feel it is likely because either he can't make his mind up or else he doesn't want to tell me he's not coming back. I spoke about it to my mum and she reiterated what I had processed in my mind. I felt validated. I'm not wrong. He ran away from me, as well as his responsibilities, and his life here. I want a man that stays through the tough times and that fights for 'us' with me.

So I sent him a final email today to say that 'I let him go' and all that jazz. I don't want to wait anymore. I am over that waiting. I want to live and not be sad anymore. I dread any reply. I almost hope he doesn't, but I am sure he will as he is not the type to never reply. It's sad, but I'll be okay, I think. I shall try to focus on the future and not keep looking back as I can't change it.

Well done waiting. It's lack certainty and waiting that drives you mad doesn't it. Well done you for taking control again. Yes not responding for 2 weeks is not someone who wants to be closer to you again.

I hope you find someone that deserves you soon.

Thanks @Sunshineandlaughter I have had a name change haha. I feel proud of myself because it would have been so easy to just stay stuck in that unhealthy dynamic. I had decided that end of May/June 1st was my limit and actually stuck to it. (surprised myself)

How are you op?

Are you off back to work soon?

Thinking of you @iwasagirlinavillage

How are you doing op?

Another one here wondering how you are doing iwasagirl

Hope you are ok Iwasagirl xx

bit worried about you op. Hope you are ok.

Hello,

I'm okay. I just haven't been on here much recently.

Nothing monumental has happened. Both DDs have had colds. Their Dad had them last weekend and that was fine, no major dramas. He's being very friendly towards me, sent me photos of them over the weekend and apologised to me for if he seemed rude when I picked up as he was rushing off. I went to a wedding earlier this week and that was pretty hard to be at an occasion with just the girls and not him, and to have to listen to the vows. I had a good time though and so did the girls. He saw a photo of me and DD1 and said we both look happy. He also sent on his congratulations and as one of my friends pointed out, how well wishes would be as welcome as a used tampon to my family. Needless to say I didn't pass his message on!

It's DD2s birthday next week. We're having a party/BBQ for her on Saturday and then on her birthday, weather permitting, we're going to take them both to the seaside.

I was due to return to work on her birthday but I spoke to my manager and mentioned the health problems I'd been having and she referred me to occupational health who have determined I'm not fit for work until I have had my appointment with the neurologist. I've got an appointment through which is in about a month's time. I'm keeping a diary of symptoms. It had settled down quite a bit but I've been feeling really bad for the past few days and I couldn't swallow properly today which was horrible and a bit scary. Hopefully it's nothing awful and all just in my head - mind, as opposed to a problem in my brain!

I hope you're all okay and thank you for your continued support and for thinking of me.

That's good. Maybe you've not been on here because things have started to settle down a bit which is really good. Thinking of you as you continue to get stronger and happier xxx