I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

I am glad that it went well and not as expected. So often when I am really anxious about something, it turns out to not be/go as I was imagining at all. Then I feel as if I wasted a lot of energy on being anxious, but I still do the same thing again another time. It's so annoying.

About the birthday - I find men (not to generalise but I haven't noticed this with women) poor at remembering birthday dates. My own father frequently forgets the date I was born and the year! I find it a bit insulting. He was actually at the birth too. My exP used to get mine wrong by two days (two days early). He would actually wish me happy birthday two days before and then have to repeat it two days later. I don't know why I could remember his so well; it must have been my super intellect.
Haha.

Anyway, what you have planned for her 1st birthday sounds really nice.

Picked up DD1. Nursery think she's got chicken pox. She was apparently quiet all day and she also had an accident which is unlike her. She seems to have an upset stomach now. But she's okay in herself.

She said something about the "different girl" when she was with Daddy. She's said this before and I've asked him about it and he said he hasn't introduced her and that he would discuss that with me first. Before I told him she was saying this he asked me if I had introduced them to anyone as she was talking about the "other Daddy" and made up a whole story about it. She once said something about the "other man" to me in front of him. Because I know I haven't introduced them to anyone I am inclined to believe that he hasn't introduced them, also, if he regrets the kids and what's a kid free life I don't see why he would. But I don't know. It's still upsetting to hear her say it.

He apparently took DD1 to a kids sport class at the weekend of the that his work deal with. It's also the sport the OW woman plays. He said she wasn't there. But even so I don't really like that he's trying to get her interested in the sport the OW is involved in.

Feeling really shit. Just want the hurt to end.

Ugh. I hope DD1 is just poorly with a virus and not chicken pox. It's not what you need now.

I don't know how to say this as I have an idea/thought in my mind but I'm not sure how to verbalise it to make sense... Regarding the different girl, I do wonder if your DD is trying to make sense of you and H being apart by adding other people of the opposite sex to each party. As that is what she formerly knew. So you have the other man/other daddy and he has the different girl. Even though these people are not real or in her life. Just a random thought and probably rubbish.

I know. I agree that it could be something like that.

The more I think about it the more the thought of them meeting her upsets me. Why would he want to play happy families with some other woman but not with their actual mother when the issue was never about me but about being a father. The thought of it is to hurtful.

I feel the lowest I've felt for a few weeks. Hopefully it's just temporary.

This too shall pass

Focus on the fact you have got through worse, because we all know you have.

Has something sparked it off? Is it solely because of getting triggered by the other girl comments? I think it is definitely normal and understandable to feel that way when thinking about them meeting her. It's undesirable from a moral perspective, but also hard from a mummy perspective to stomach it.

The thing is, right now there is no need for it. He doesn't live with her. She does not have kids for them to somehow intermingle, does she? In fact, I wonder if she is Ms Right or Ms Right Now. From what you've told us, your H sounds so out of it emotionally that I am not so sure most women would be happy with that going forward. Unless he turns into another man around her or something. So, it may not be the case that they will stay together.

What do you have planned tomorrow? Have you done anything relaxing this evening? I'm binge watching crap TV - Real Housewives

I'm still feeling very down today. I'm annoyed at myself as I was doing so well.

It's so natural that you'll still have really hard moments, and a normal part of the healing and grief process. You are going so well and sounding so much stronger all the time. These darker moments are still part of the journey, but you know now that they pass and that more positive moments are there too. Baby steps.

I feel like I've gone backwards about 6 weeks. I'm so low today. I haven't even got dressed out of my pyjamas.

I used to think that the best thing about days like that was that they would soon be over and brighter skies would be ahead. There will be ups and downs up. Things are better when there are nice things to look forward to, any chance of a holiday/break somewhere?

Is it anything in particular that's set you off today- can you pinpoint? It's definitely natural to feel up and down.

Are there any benefits to not being with him? Any tv shows he used to hate that you can now watch to your hearts contend? Food he wasn't keen on? Things you liked to do but he didn't? I know there's not many positives to the situation (to put it mildly!) but try and find one little thing if you possibly can?

Still feeling pretty crap today.

DD1 gets really upset and distressed when she comes back from spending time with him. I text him yesterday to suggest stopping contact. He regrets having them, doesn't want them and I'm worried about the long term effect this is going to have on DD1. He came back and said that he went through similar after his parents split up and his mum got the brunt of it which wasn't fair and he knows it's not fair that I'm getting the brunt of it - really not the point, I couldn't give a fuck about me, it's about what she's going through. And he said "but it was a phase and I got over it". I beg to differ, I think it's blindingly obvious that he's still experiencing the effects of his father abandoning him now and it, at least in some way, in a contributing factor to what he's done and the way he's behaving now. He also argued against cutting off one side of her family and that not being fair. At no point did he say "but I love them and I'd miss them and I would hate to not see them". It seemed more about his family missing out on seeing them. So that fucked me off and left me feeling shitty. Although I already felt crap before that. In the end he said "so what do we do then?" and I haven't responded because I don't know. He then text me later on to let me know there are a couple of letters from the hospital for me and what should he do with them. I didn't respond to that. I don't want to communicate with him at the moment. And if I responded to that it would mean the previous conversation would be closed and he'd never speak of it again. I'm so worried about DD1. I don't know what to do for the best. And I need to collect these letters but I really don't want to see him.

And also, on a really superficial level, I'm not happy with my hair. Now that I've looked at it there are parts where there's a definite line between the blond and the brown. And I worry that it all looks a bit cheap. So I've spent loads of money on something that was meant to make me feel better but instead I'm just throwing it up in a pony tail so it's not on show.

Do you think DD1 would want to stop contact entirely? What about DD2? Surely she'd not know any differently if she continues to see him?

At the moment they are going away for chunks of time with the overnights. Would perhaps one afternoon (or day) every other weekend be better? He could use it to do something with them to focus DD1 on an activity rather than being in, for example, your house where it is familiar but now so different. Also, it would not disrupt DD1 in terms of morning or evening routine and her sleep etc.

I'm sorry to hear about your hair. I would get in touch with the salon and ask if you can come in to have it looked at because you are not happy with it. Is your hair normally wavy or curly? If your hair is normally straighter and they curled it when styling it, then I can imagine it would look quite different once washed and dried if you didn't restyle it the same way.

I think you said the stylist had to redo one part during you getting it done as she was not happy. If the differential between the two colours is stark/linear they definitely should correct that.

@iwasagirlinavillage

Hope you're okay OP

I had a good day today. Spent the day in the sunshine with friends.

I had an awful dream last night though which was every fear I have realised.

I think I've realised why I've been feeling crappy - I got my period today. So I think my few days of much lower mood were down to hormonal changes, at least I hope that's all it was.

As for contact with him and the DDs. I don't know. I don't know what's for the best. He's not exactly fighting to see them. He doesn't ask about them. His last message, aside from a thing about some letters that had come for me, was asking me what we do now. I haven't responded but he hasn't chased it. What's the point in continuing to see them if he doesn't want them and doesn't love them? And while short term that will be sad and shit for DD1, longer term surely it's better to cut contact now rather than have her continue to see someone who doesn't love her anymore in the way that he used to. She still wants him to be old Daddy, but he's not, he's fuckwit, only cares about himself Daddy. At present I think he only sees them so he can say he's doing his "duty" as a father, it's not that he actually wants to.

Hmm I don't know op. He has been a shit to you and he hasn't talked about them in the way you would have hoped.But he isn't abusive and he still seems to want to see them.He is their dad and even if he's not dad of the year they should have a relationship with him if it's at all possible.It will be better for them if they do-until they are old enough to decide themselves wether they want to or not.But you don't want them somehow surmising that they weren't good enough for him or whatever-and that will involve you promoting that relationship continuing to some degree.
I know it's hard.
Glad you are feeling a bit better.

It's very complicated. Like nigels, I do think that contact in some form should be preserved until they are of an age where they can make their own decision.

Also, surely if he is having a breakdown or some other form of MH issue, then his current reaction to them is unlikely permanent. In that case, I personally think that at some point in the future he would really regret losing contact with them.

As DD1 finds the visits very stressful, it would be worth exploring other options for having contact with him. If the situation becomes solely about preserving some kind of relationship with/bond to him rather than him assisting with childcare to give you a break, then it seems possible he could do that in a way that DD1 finds more positive.

I would ignore the hospital letter distraction and go back to the dialogue about the girls, especially as you raised it. Can you not say to him - look, what I am trying to establish is whether you genuinely want to spend the with them or whether you are doing it solely out of duty.
DD1 is struggling to cope with the change and I am trying to figure out what would be in her best interests...? Or something along those lines.

If the girls have a positive relationship with other members of his family, it would be a real shame to lose that. I say that as someone who has very little family. I literally only have relationships with my parents and more distantly with sister (she lives far away).

Out if interest, what do your mum and dad think about your idea of cutting contact?

I know. You're right. They should maintain a relationship with him, I think it's just hard on all of us for him to be physically there for them but not emotionally or mentally invested any longer.

I've got a counselling session today so I'll discuss it there and see if I can come up with a better solution.

He sent a text early this morning saying that more letters have come for me - I collected the other ones at a time he wasn't there. He then sent another text saying "How are you all?" I replied and said "We're good. DD2 has a cough and cold so she's not sleeping well but she's still happy."

It's a very tough time and an emotional rollercoaster. Don't make any rash decisions if you can help it.

As someone said, he's not an abusive father and maintaining a relationship with them is very important - I believe there will be a lot more problems further down the line for all of you if contact stops.

Hang in there OP. Hormones raging don't help with things and you are doing great

I'm on the way to my counselling session. It's not often that I get time to myself to really and truly think about things. I think in dribs and drabs usually, often interspersed with nappy changes, food preparation, breastfeeds, tears and tantrums.

There's something I have to say that I haven't said for a long time. I miss him. I know that I shouldn't and I also know that the person I miss isn't the person he is now. But I miss him. I miss chatting to him. I miss hugging him. I miss sending him messages about things the girls are doing. I miss companionable silence. I miss being able to truly be myself. I miss the person he was. And I'm really, really sad that that person doesn't exist anymore. I don't know why he doesn't. And I know that it's easy to see him as the bad guy from an Internet forum for all that he has done. But he wasn't always the bad guy, he used to be the good guy. A friend of mine described her husband as loyal the other day, and I said to her it's very weird because that's exactly the word I would have used to describe my husband. He was loyal, committed, devoted and attentive. Everything you would assume he wouldn't be. And it's that enormous contradiction that I find so hard to grasp. I know the answer is "it doesn't matter why he changed, he just did and I have to learn to live with this new reality now". But I don't know how to accept that and learn to live with it. It's over 3 months since the separation now and I'm still utterly stunned that he did this and still so confused about how he has changed so monumentally.

It's ok to miss him. Understandable. You are grieving the end of a chapter in your life. Be kind to yourself.

I still think you are only get answers to these questions by talking, really talking, to him and listening what he's got to say. But 1) you get hurt just seeing him you don't really want to have these conversations with him and 2) he doesn't sound aware of himself enough to be able to tell you, but one day he will. There's a million different reasons and thoughts he might have been thinking - only he knows - you'll not work it out on your own. So you are left with , you'll probably never find out and you've got to live with reality unfortunately. It's horrid and frustrating I know.
Hope the session was good tonight and useful.

Of course you miss him. You're human. I'd be surprised if you didn't. It's like grieving for what was but without knowing why you lost it. You are still emotionally connected to the original him.

I agree with Sunshine. You can really only get those answers from him.

Additionally, in my experience when my exP switched me off (literally like one day he just flicked the off switch on 'us') this:

There's a million different reasons and thoughts he might have been thinking - only he knows - you'll not work it out on your own. So you are left with , you'll probably never find out and you've got to live with reality unfortunately.

was very true. I never found out why. In the beginning, I could have never imagined achieving closure without him giving that to me through an explanation and righting some of the wrongs he had done to me by abandoning me. Yet, over time I was able to claim my own closure. I managed to close that chapter and to be able to think of him with no feeling whatsoever. It took a lot of time and work. I hope that the counsellor was able to help you this evening with some of this stuff.

Never stop talking, it's so important to share how you're feeling and you aren't alone, so many people break down when they're going through times like you are. I was with my ex partner for years... When we split I didn't want to go on and felt that every time I picked myself up I got another kick in the teeth. You will be fine, I'm married with a beautiful little boy 4 years on... don't be afraid of life xxx

How are you op? Is your dd2s birthday this week?

DD2s birthday is next month. Still a while yet but I wanted to start getting things organised. We're having a little party with her baby friends earlier in the day and then having family come over in the afternoon for a BBQ. It feels a bit OTT for a 1st birthday but in part I want to do something to distract me. The party is 2 days before her birthday so it's the date I went in to labour.

DD2 has a rash all over her body. It came up yesterday but has spread and looks worse this morning. I took her to the pharmacy twice yesterday and they didn't seem concerned as she is okay in herself but today she's a bit groggy and last night she was screaming and sobbing. The second pharmacist said she didn't think it was an allergy, didn't think it was chicken pox, didn't think it was viral, didn't think it was heat, didn't think it was measles. It looks a bit like eczema on her legs this morning but there are dots all over her body, including her legs and it looks like the eczema is on top, if that makes sense. I'm going to take her to a walk in clinic but I'll upload a photo. Any ideas?