I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Beaut hair anyway-but can't see the transformation...

Good work going for the hair!

I don't mean this as a critism because I think you are doing amazingly but I think you need to be direct in your responses to him. He asked what time to come - id have just responded '9am' or similar. Instead you didn't really give him a clear answer and left it open to him to decide. Be super clear than it can't get confused. Next time he's having them say 'I'm assuming you will pick them up at this time and drop them at these times - if these don't suit then please let me know what does. If you don't respond I'll assume these times are ok'.

He is trying to set up a time to talk to you. Great work on not letting him ambush your Friday night. Maybe set up a date/time once you have had your hair done go into it looking and feeling amazing.

In your relationship before was it him than made most of the decisions/took control? I think you need to get used to the fact you can call the shots now :-)

I don't mean to say the wrong thing esp as you are doing so well. But I think that's why he is saying you are being 'diffcult' because he would have expected just a time response to his latest text not more information which still doesn't make clear when he's supposed to come and get them. Be really direct in your communication with him.

Have you sent him the house proposal? I guess you should also do that before you talk to him too.

I do think you should talk to him though. In a few weeks all your questions and unanswered frustrations will come back and correct me if I'm wrong but you haven't talked properly since your split months ago.

I agree sunshine and I think with the best will in the world if you had been told to get there before 9am, had appeared at 8.45 and had to go and get a coffee because they weren't ready we could easily all have been saying he was being difficult.

These sort of negotiations are stressful and emotional at the best of times. Clear times just takes some of the pressure off and makes life a little simpler.

Can't wait to see your new look but I'm very jealous of your fab hair already

You're right. I should have been more direct. It's not that he used to take control or make decisions, we used to do it together. We would negotiate and work out what was best for both of us. In the future I will be more direct. He said that thing about me being difficult before the communication about the time so it wasn't about that.

We did have a proper talk about a month back. I wrote about it. I haven't sent the house proposal yet as I still need confirmation of something first.

Still in the hairdressers. She wasn't happy with it after the dye came off, and neither was I, so she's redoing some of it.

I have my after photo and typically Mumsnet won't let me post it!

Exciting! Want to see!

I'm out with my parents for a drink and maybe dinner. Now that I've stopped I feel a bit crap because I miss the girls and feel sad and shitty about everything. I was shaking this morning when I saw him. Every time I see him it makes me feel worse because he speaks to me like an acquaintance.

You are always going to feel a bit rubbish when you don't have the girls because you love them and want to be with them. He's enforced this separation from them on you.

I don't know how you stop being hurt by his indifference at meet ups.

I see my XH as little as possible. He picks up from school then takes them to school the next day - means I avoid seeing him altogether. It helps.

After

Lovely hair village 😀

Looks amazing!

Love it!!

I was looking through photos of the DDs on my phone, as you do, and I found a quote I had saved. I saved it because it was relevant in relation to my traumatic memories of NICU, but it seems very poignant now.

I can't upload the photo but this is it:

"Sometimes the only reason why you won't let go of what's making you sad is because it's the only thing that made you happy."

Morning Village

Your hair looks fab! I love it. It looks very carefree and summery.

I've just had the following exchange with my husband via text (paraphrasing):

• I've got to work the weekend before DD2s birthday, can we swap or I can do days in that week.

• OK. What dates would you like to do? I'd still like to have them on DD2s Birthday as that would have been my day anyway.

• Thats fine. Can I have them on x and y?

• X is DD2s birthday. You just said I can have her on that day.

It appears he has forgotten the date of DD2s birthday. I despair. 🙄

That's awful! And it's her first birthday!! I hope you have something lovely planned with your family. I'd be tempted to put up nice happy photos on facebook so he can see what he's missing on a day he should be celebrating with you.

I'll be arranging a little party for the weekend before now I know I've got them. On her actual birthday DD1 is at nursery so I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll try to meet up with a friend with a little one maybe and then have my brother and his parter over in the evening and pick up DD1 from nursery early.

I'm on my way to pick up DD2 (DD1 is at nursery today) and my anxiety is sky high.

I don't deserve anymore sadness or anymore pain. Please make it stop. I can't take anymore. There has to be an end to this.

Oh god. I feel sick.

If you get an opportunity today do some Mindfulness. Regain some control. This is a blip and you are doing so well.

The handover was fine. Anxiety has gone now that I'm back with DD2. Even if she did just fully expose my nipple to the whole of Caffè Nero!

He said she missed me a lot and kept saying Mumumum.

He said "your hair looks good" but didn't say much else.

Looking forward to seeing DD1 later.