I don't know how to get to tomorrow

[iwasagirlinavillage]

I have a thread in relationships about my marriage collapsing. As a result I can feel myself succumbing to depression and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I already take ADs and I had CBT which ended just before the separation. I just can't do this. Even breathing feels like an almighty difficult task. I have two children so I know I just have to keep going but if it was just me I'm quite certain I would have given up by now. I feel like I've completely slowed down physically, like I'm starting to shut down. But shutting down would be a welcome relief. Although then I think of my DDs and know that I can't do that and a wave of exhaustion hits me again and I feel the weight of it all afresh. I can't do this.

Hi Op, if it helps I got to the same point the access and my solicitor advised that I just TELL him the time rather than wait for a response. That way I was no longer being pulled around by him and the DCs left in limbo.

I would think a regular routine plan needs to be put in place anyway now, to help you more than anything. If it was me I would be texting/emailing him today saying as I haven't heard from you I will assume you are picking them up at X and returning them at X (obvs being careful those times are possible for him around his work).

This messing around gives you the incentive to formalise arrangements re the DCs. If you feel you have gone round the houses, maybe do a separate email with times/days of the week etc. Put it as 'I have drawn up a schedule for your access to the girls starting from eg 1st June, please confirm by X date and we can move forward'

It has worked for me in general as my X can't be arsed to put himself out and make arrangements. He is crap if I need to alter anything (only in emergencies or at the children's request) and he generally refuses any change without giving any valid reason so now I just assume he won't do anything and don't ask.

Finally got a response which is dripping with bullshit:

Sorry, I've only just seen this, my phone was dead all of yesterday. I assumed I was having them from tonight to Monday morning as normal. Are you bringing them to the house? What did you want to do about arranging to talk? Was going to ask if you wanted to just talk at the house tonight after they're in bed or do you not think that's a good idea?

Firstly, if his phone was dead he would have charged it. Secondly, he knows I don't drive yet he expects me to get both children plus all their stuff for 3 nights to the house on public transport and why the fuck should I? As for talking at the house, why would he assume I'm available on a Friday night when I don't have my kids? And I'm assuming he'd expect me to help get them to bed. I don't think so.

Secondly, he knows I don't drive yet he expects me to get both children plus all their stuff for 3 nights to the house on public transport and why the fuck should I?

What the actual F?

Also, I thought he used his phone for work!? I highly doubt he'd not have charged it!

Anyway, I think you can seize this opportunity to formalise things. Grab his assumption and go with it. Based on that message, you can assume the pattern of all further weekends from him and if you sort out the pick up issue, you have a time too. Then you can tell him that.

As for Friday night, yes that's a bit rich. Why should you help get them to bed? You need a rest from that.

I replied:

I can't bring them to the house. I have plans for tonight so can't talk to you then. I will put things in writing instead as it is difficult to arrange a suitable time to talk. Let me know what you will be doing about collecting the children.

Great reply Village.

I've been thinking about it and a few weeks ago, when I was very low and very vulnerable, he was much kinder, more communicative, more available, more compassionate. Now that I'm stronger and not contacting him about anything, he doesn't show an interest in the children, hasn't been contacting me or responding to me and is leaving arrangements to the last minute again. It seems that the weaker I am, the stronger and more together he appears and when I'm stronger he seems chaotic.

Didn't he fulfill that in control, carer, superman role for some of your relationship post-DD1?

What does he get out of being like that?

What does he not get out of the dynamic by you being stable and in control yourself?

He's been an utter cock. He text to say his sister and his step dad aren't available so he would collect them in a cab and could he use my parent's car seat. I asked what time and he said 6.30. That's the time DD2 usually goes to bed so I said it's not suitable. He then got shitty, defensive, basically said that work have said he can't leave early so what is he supposed to do. I said to collect them tomorrow morning instead and he said that's not what we arranged. I pointed out that he hadn't arranged a time at all and the time he's now suggesting is unsuitable. He said "With all respect, it feels like you're being intentionally difficult now, you want something to have a go at me for, or at least that's how it feels." but that wasn't the case at all, id been very matter of fact and unemotional in my responses. He said "Is it not going to work for me to have them Friday nights then if I can't always guarantee I can leave early? I don't want that to sound like I'm trying to get out of having them, that's absolutely not what I'm doing, I'm just thinking if we need more of a routine for having them is it better that I have them Saturday morning's instead?", I just said "Saturday morning's fine".

It's ironic what he said about it seeming that I want to have a go at him as I actually think it's the other way around.

Yes the whole situation does snack of trying to hurt you. Does he want you as upset as maybe he feels?

I'd call him on it. Say to him when he doesn't respond if isn't clear about arrangements for the girls it hurts you and doesn't he think he's hurt you enough?

Hes def trying to pick arguements you/ try and provoke you.

His way of distancing himself maybe?

Sorry first message posted before I saw your update

I think he's trying to get a rise out of me. I don't think I responded how he wanted me to to the "accidental" text, then he ignored my text about arrangements for this weekend and I didn't chase him or have a go at him when he did reply, I didn't get angry when he said he could only come at 6.30, I just told him it's not suitable and then when he suggested no longer having them on Friday night when he has them I think he expected me to beg him to have them. So now he's ignored my last text about what time he'll be here tomorrow.

I think he's distant enough, I don't think he's liking that I'm distancing myself also so I think he's trying anything to get me to engage.

He is only happy if you toe the line and agree to/facilitate what he decides re: contact. When you, quite rightly, put the children's needs first (e.g. DD2's routine) he gets nasty and accusatory.

He can't have it his way just because he feels like it. Maybe he should have thought about how this would work for him and his children before he decided to leave.

I also feel as if, he is telling on himself when he accused you of being 'intentionally difficult'. It is him who doesn't make timely arrangements well in advance of contact or reply to your text messages in a normal time frame. So it is actually him, in my opinion, who is the intentionally difficult one.

But of course it's easier to blame me! He expects me to co-operate with him in the same way I used to to make his life easier, even if it's not convenient for me or the girls. He never used to be so self centred, but now he can only see as far as him and his own needs. But in this case it doesn't even make sense, it's actually easier for him to not have the girls tonight, less rushing around, no cab from my parents to the house, no bedtimes, no nighttime wakings, no early start. And it's not as though his argument was "but I really want to see them", if was "but that's not what we arranged". And then he said "I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get out of having them", which entirely shows his attitude about having his children, it wasn't "I'd miss seeing them for that extra night, but given their routine and the inflexibility of my work, do you think it would be better for me to collect them on the Saturday morning instead?" At no point has he said anything about "wanting" to see them or have them.

I said to DD1 earlier that she might be seeing Daddy tonight (before this exchange) and then can I come back here? I asked her when and she said "can I come back here in the morning?" She's always wanted to see him and really looks forward to it, but after her being sheepish the other day with him and that comment I'm wondering if she's not feeling as settled with him. On that basis I'm not going to push any harder for him to have them more, and that's why I'm quite prepared to have them overnight tonight because I think it's what she'd rather anyway.

I just suddenly had that crashing feeling again. I'm on my way to my counselling session and saw someone that I thought I knew, it turns out it wasn't them, but the person I thought it was was a friend of my husband's family and if it had been him and he had seen me he would have come over to chat, I know he would have asked about him and the girls and I'd have had to have told him what had happened (I don't think my husband has told anyone, he's completely shut off from his old life). I played out how the conversation would go and, although I know they wouldn't look at me as the person to blame, and they would think what my husband has done is really shit, ultimately the end of the conversation is "so he's with someone else now", and in the future they may well meet her at some event that I otherwise would have gone to and of course they would be pleasant to her and I would be a long forgotten memory, a mistake and just the mother of his children who he rarely sees. It's really shit. I don't deserve to be that person. It's so completely unfair how he has changed so many aspects of my life, even the small ones, and it was never what I wanted. Yet he gets to go on with no loss to his life felt.

Poor DD1. She doesn't sound as if she's looking forward to it. I agree, under the circumstances, it's better if you have them the extra night. Anyway, at their age, one or two overnights is quite a lot.

This is another of him telling on himself, like you said:

And then he said "I don't want it to seem like I'm trying to get out of having them", which entirely shows his attitude about having his children.

I also was quite surprised at him having them Friday night with his job. It seems a lot of rushing around and would likely be pointlessly upsetting for the girls as it disrupts their routine.

The reason Friday was included was because he didn't used to work Friday afternoons so I assumed he'd at least be able to leave work early.

I had my session with the counsellor. She did point out that it's entirely unrealistic that he would be "over it" with no time to grieve for the relationship or address any of the emotions. So she thinks it's a case of him avoiding that by going straight to someone else as a distraction and burying all of the emotions. She also said that he appears to be living in a fantasy land which isn't sustainable on a long term basis, purely from a financial perspective if nothing else.

I do feel the sessions are helping. Unfortunately I'm only entitled to 6 sessions. After that I will book something private but it will be a shame to start all over again, and possibly confusing if the next counsellor has a conflicting view.

Can you not see your current counsellor privately? Or do they only do NHS?

Totally agree on this:

'So she thinks it's a case of him avoiding that by going straight to someone else as a distraction and burying all of the emotions. She also said that he appears to be living in a fantasy land which isn't sustainable on a long term basis.*

I am glad that your sessions are helping.

I still have no idea what time he's coming to get them today. He asked what time he should come and I said that I'm out from 8am so if he can't get here before that he'll have to collect them from my parents. He hasn't responded since. I don't want to chase him as I think that's what he wants and I don't want to play in to his hands. Plus, I'm quite certain that if i chased him he would ignore me and I would end up irritated by him ignoring me. It's game playing but I feel that's what he's doing and trying to be reasonable doesn't have any positive effect and just gets me worked up by the fact he can't be reasonable. It's a bit of "if you can't beat them, join them", in hoping that ultimately he will realise that I'm not chasing after him so he'll stop playing the stupid games and just communicate with me properly.

Next time you need to just tell him a time then you are not playing his game. You are not waiting around for a response.

Yep, just say this is the time you need to collect them-leave him no choice.That way you avoid getting drawn in to whatever her is doing-be that game playing or just simple can't be bothered-ness.

I know, I should have. And I will next time.

What I said was "I will be leaving the house around 8am tomorrow. If you can't come before that you can collect them from my parents." and then he didn't respond further. He turned up at 7.45 this morning and said "you said to get here before 8", I reiterated what my message had said and that I was waiting for him to confirm. I told him they weren't ready yet and he said he'd go and get coffee and come back later.

Anyway, I'm at he salon now. Just about the start the colour treatment!

Before

I can't wait to see the finished result! Your hair is already beautiful btw. Hope you enjoy your day. You are doing fabulous so keep up the hard work!