Is anyone up? Feel so down

[Thecatgotmytongue]

Just that really .. I've been struggling with depression for ages. Tonight it's bad .. After a few ok days, it just hit me tonight for no real reason. I'm sat on the sofa crying. My boyfriend went home two hours ago and has gone to bed, I've no one to talk to.

It's a long term thing.

I did have some counselling years ago, but didn't find it easy to talk or explain and was told I'm fine, more or less. I didn't feel fine though.

Yes a blue point. My baby .. But an utter pain. He scratches everything, carpets, my new sofa .. He has to sleep with me. And he's permanently hungry and parading around the worktop.

Crap counselling, been there. If there are long term problems you need a good talking therapist. But it has to be someone who gets you, it's hard work finding one. And expensive if you're going private.

The worst ones I had were through my BUPA. I had to get one I liked and pay myself

But talking on here helped tons for me. Probably as much as anything else I tried.

Aww cute, cat, dog and GORGEOUS child.

My counselling experience. Hmm, what to say. I was bereaved and felt like my life, which had been pretty good to that point, had come away under my feet. (I'm not trying to be coy here, just don't want to say anything triggering since you're both struggling with loss at the moment.) But all my attention for the past 8 weeks had been on being there for my children and meeting their physical and emotional needs. I wasn't really eating or sleeping.
And I thought I didn't need counselling. And then took my kids to a family session, and liked the counsellor so much. Went back on my own and cried for an hour. I think I paid for the first 3-4 sessions just to cry in a safe space. And then she started asking me really gentle questions, and it all went from there.
A good rapport with a counsellor is important, I think.

I had a blue BSH. She was very demanding. VERY!

That's what I thought. I don't know how I'll know when I find a good counsellor or when it isn't a good one, iyswim.

I don't cry in front of other people. I can't. I feel so stupid.

I would love to just cry and cry and cry, maybe get it off my chest.

I haven't been to a bad counsellor so I don't really know.

But something clicked, and I felt safe to open up.

And once I opened up to her, I found it easier to open up to others. My best friend often came round afterwards and helped put my kids to bed, and then we sat with wine in the garden, shivering, and cried together.

I don't think crying is necessarily essential.

But I tend to be very rational, and a bit of an over thinker. So getting in deep with my feelings and emotions often then makes me cry and shake.

Sommer you speak good sense. It's the rapport that gets you sorted out. If you don't click in one session stop it immediately. It's not worth it. A good one is worth a lot, jeez I cried and I don't do public emotion.

I didn't cry at my mothers funeral. Hard as nails me. Not

How will I know if we click?

I feel stupid! Sorry.

I'm so desperate for it to work. I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.

I didn't cry at my loved one's funeral, either. I got through it by pretending to be a rock. And totally concentrating on my children.
Weird, huh.
I was - am - very sad about it.

I barely cried at my dad's funeral. My mum seemed very disappointed. My mum was ill, my children very upset. It took me months to feel the sadness.

How did you know you clicked with your boyfriend?

It's just an instinct, isn't it?

A gut feeling of safety, even though you might be nervous. And a sense that this person is hearing what you're saying and responding with what you need. That your needs are coming ahead of any potential agenda. In fact, that her agenda is only to be there to see what you need.

A theme, of bottling up emotions, and that this isn't entirely helpful, seems to be emerging.

Thanks, that sounds easier.

Good, glad I found a way to describe it.

I hope your appointment comes through quickly.

My episode of Gilmore Girls has finished and I'm going to put cereal bowls on the table for my children - and then try to get to sleep.

I don't have a problem once I'm asleep - unless one of them cries or calls I stay asleep. It's just drifting off that's the problem.

I hope you can sleep. ohthat, I hope you're asleep too. I'm going to bed too. Thanks for being there, both of you.

I think there is a pattern to this. Us non-criers end up in counselling 30 years later and can barely manage lip wobble.

I don't know about your histories but emotion wasn't accepted in my upbringing. Chin up, get on with it.

Bleach the toilet at 4am if feeling bad. Control yourself. Be strong. Stop feeling, you need to keep doing. Feelings get in the way.

I got counselling, I found a woman that I'd like to have been my mum. Not much older than me really, but someone who didn't pass the tissues and drag the bad stuff out. Although it did come out eventually. I'm still fragile with a hard outer shell, but I am aware that 'I can have feelings'. I spent a long time denying that.

Sorry to talk about myself, but hopefully it can help you see that you can be hard but brittle too. Like cast iron I guess.

I'm going to put on my Sleep With Me podcast and get an hours rest before the day starts.

I think there are a lot of us who are the same, I hope your counselling can help. Keep talking here, it's nice to know we're not alone.

Thanks ohthat. Please talk about yourself, it helps to know how others feel.

My upbringing wasn't quite like that. My mum does cry. I don't know why I don't. I do cry more these days, but still not in front of my mum. In front of my bf I'm a wreck! Always sobbing .. Maybe because I trust him? Because he understands? Not sure.

My upbringing ... I wasn't good enough. My dad always disappointed. Then when I was a teenager they had a shop and were always very busy, I don't remember spending time with them at all. I've very low self esteem. I think I'm ugly, selfish, horrible, stupid. And yet sometimes I know I'm not all those things, at least not all the time. I do over think, over analyse things.

I wish I could find someone who would help me sort things out, find a way of living an ok life.

Not good enough, no, we never were, you couldn't be. It's a pattern for sure. My dad worked away, my mum liked gin and tonic and watching Dallas more than me. I have TV aversion because of her, DH finds it amusing. I could never watch a box set, never!

Let's chat tomorrow (um later today), we can get through this. I'm fat, ugly, useless, pathetic and a total loser.

Funny how I'm seen as successful and fun to everyone else. Bloody life sucks. Just ironed the children's nursery uniforms, fed the cat a let the dogs out. DH is going to do the nursery run God bless him.

Stay strong.

I will sleep for an hour now, I will, I will

I hope you can catch some sleep too xx

Luckily I didn't have an early start. I'm so tired. The dog is going for her hair cut in half an hour, then I'll sleep on the sofa for an hour.

So many similarities between us. My mum would be very surprised if I told her my childhood was less than ideal and that I've always felt inadequate. She's not bad really. But has this tendency to tell me I'm chubby/have put on too much weight/am bigger than her ... It makes me so miserable. Then I eat .... I want to be tall and willowy but I'm too unhappy, I comfort eat like mad. Someone needs to sew my mouth up!

I've had a day off, I've tied up and I'm just about to put the children in a nice cool bath.

I'm lucky my dogs don't need grooming. The cat does though. And her cut and blow dry costs more than mine.

Hopefully we'll get a better sleep tonight, but no doubt I'll be around if you (or anyone else) wants to chat.