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Emotional (dis)regulation thread for expression strong emotions and supporting each other

238 replies

erinaceus · 20/08/2016 06:49

Inspired by a few threads on the MH boards and elsewhere on MN, this thread is:

  • A safe space to express strong or overwhelming emotions;
  • Somewhere where MNers can support MNers who are experiencing strong or overwhelming emotions;
  • We can share strategies for coping with strong or overwhelming emotions. Healthy strategies preferred, but bearing in mind that what is healthy for one poster might not be healthy for another poster.

Flowers to everyone who knows what I mean.

OP posts:
erinaceus · 01/09/2016 06:24

I need to make an appointment to see my GP, but I dread going back into the system.

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erinaceus · 01/09/2016 06:26

Hello Petal40 waves

Welcome to the thread.

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dangermouseisace · 01/09/2016 11:19

Just Phone them up erin Flowers maybe plan something nice for yourself after, even if it's just a Brew

erinaceus · 01/09/2016 13:39

Yes. I know. It is so hard. I spoke to some other people. I might never have left the system so I might not need to go via the GP. Trying to find out.

On another note, What makes a good substitute palette for painting? I do not really fancy the daisy ones. Maybe I should go over to arts and crafts for this question...alien territory to me...

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dangermouseisace · 01/09/2016 16:07

Arty painting? I used to use an old plate/we used them in art lessons. You can also get disposable ones- come in a book like a drawing pad but palette shaped. If you're using acrylics you can, if you're feeling flush, get a stay wet palette that has a membrane and a lid and keeps your paints wet for ages and ages so you don't have to waste paint at the end of a day.

erinaceus · 02/09/2016 18:19

Thank you for the suggestions. They are helpful. As it happens, I found an old white tile. Seems ideal.

Not sure I would call it arty painting. But painting on paper, not redecorating.

I figured out the system thing. It seems I am okay. It is just a case of making appointments and waiting. In the mean time, I am still here.

I am okay for as long as I am distracted, but then I get distracted and forget to do things like eat and sleep, which is not good for me.

Hope you are okay. Thank you for the support. You are knowledgeable about palettes, and systems. I need both of those at the moment.

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erinaceus · 07/09/2016 13:52

How is everybody? I am okay, but I am being triggered easily at the moment by all sorts of things. I didn't even really know that being triggered was a thing until recently, around the same time that I learned that being almost-permanently dissociated was not the typical experience for everybody. I thought I was just someone who cried easily. shrug

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lasttimeround · 07/09/2016 16:00

I'm not sure I'm in the right place here but I'm looking for somewhere to help me tap into how I'm feeling. I'm v numb just now and drifting into this state I get into when depression kicks in where I'm just tired all the time. I think this comes from repressing my feelings.

There's a fair number of factors in this and my counsellor is sick so I've not been able you see him. But I need to prise the lid off this without falling apart and I need to do it soon or im going to implode. I'm not sure what deregulation is tho...

erinaceus · 07/09/2016 20:55

lasttimearound It sounds to me as if you are in the right place.

Welcome to the thread. I am sorry to hear that your counsellor is sick. I made this thread so I have a place where I do not have to repress my feelings. I find it helpful. You can say whatever you like here, within MN Talk Guidelines of course.

Flowers
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lasttimeround · 08/09/2016 09:30

Thanks erinaceous
I'm just going to type out a few things then. I've been jn a panicky state because of f visiting. I had an ea childhood and small somewhere between nc and v lc with my family. Bug this visit couldn't be dodged so I decided I'd take the hit. It went OK and I maintained boundaries well. But I've landed in a wierd stasis state. I'm guessing I'm repressing stuff probably just opportunity cost stuff. It would be great to have a decent supportive loving family but I don't snd that can't change. But it does make me sad that I don't.
I'm also on statins for almost 4 weeks now and they csn act as serotonin inhibitors. I hsve a massively stressful life situation with big caring responsibilities snd depression lurks a bit in the crevices of that. I need to try to feel my feelings without being scared. Instead I'm currently sleeping over eating smoking and trying not to drink. I find destructive coping mechanisms so much easier to access.
Anyway I will lever myself out of bed snd go to hot yoga now. It will help the statin related muscle aches and I need to try to get out of my head. Just want to cutlery up under duvet with audiobooks but I've been going that for weeks

lasttimeround · 08/09/2016 09:32

Or curl up even!

lasttimeround · 08/09/2016 12:41

Bit of a cry at the yoga. But it's so hot it just looked like sweat. It did work to put me in touch with my upset. I think for many years I've been stuck in the first stages of working through my family trauma denial bargaining shock and anger. Now the grief is surfacing. It's not focusing the way anger is. Anger gives me drive. The grief/sadness is just quiet and sustained. I'm scared of it because I was never allowed to express sadness . Always had to be grateful and glad because I was so lucky that my parents fed and clothed me. Bah there's the anger again. But underneath I feel so sorry for me that no one had compassion or interest or time for me. I still avoid for much thinking I'm in the way or bothering people. I keep trying to fix it like it's some project when part of me knows I actually need to feel how sad this made me. But I can't feel that it frightens me awfully to feel like that sbout me or towards me. Like I might dissolve.

Some of you are having really hard times. Keep on with things and be gentle with yourselves. The person with the wedding coming up. There's a lot of emotional pressure about weddings. Big day best day snd all that. I wanted to get married snd wanted our wedding the way it was. But I noticed that having all the hocus on me all day wasn't something I would enjoy but would find stressful. I think its fine not to love being the centre of attention.

dangermouseisace · 09/09/2016 18:43

lasttimearound don't worry you wouldn't have been the first person to cry at yoga. At a time when I was absolutely fine I had a conversation with another 'fine' person about how certain positions, weirdly, made us feel really emotional/tearful for no discernible reason.

It's difficult with emotionally abusive, or even physically abusive parents to do the whole no contact thing. I always think to myself that 'at least it didn't go further than that!' and like you, 'at least they fed and clothed me'. Keep those boundaries up. I think it's hard though…I always feel my parents gave me an excellent upbringing compared to theirs…like each generation improved on the previous. That they did their best, given the circumstances. But it is important to hold onto the fact that it isn't, and wasn't ok, and that it needs to be dealt with.

I've had a good week until today. Lots of exercise, which is really good. No alcohol, which has helped. Then today- I'd asked one of my kids school for something really important twice this week, once by email, once in person, and they didn't do it. I needed it by today. It's hard for me to ask due to logistics (kids at different schools). So it's back to feeling like we just get in everyone's way, that we aren't welcome around here (we moved) and that everyone just wishes that we would disappear, although we don't have anywhere to disappear to. I don't mind it when I feel bad about myself, but I don't like it when I bring my kids into that negative thinking mode. They are good kids, and all of them have the opportunity to do well for themselves in the future, but I worry that I am going to make them fall into the same way of life as me. Depression, negativity, relationship failure, unemployment. That's probably catastrophising though isn't it?

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 09/09/2016 19:39

danger
I feel that our lives are mirroring eachothers at the moment. Marriage ended last August, after years of mental to-ing and fro-ing on my part.

My job ended in June and ive not been able to get another one since. I didn't mean to fuck up my career so royally but it appears that I have.

My three kids deserve better. I am feeling pushed out and useless in general. No money either thanks to Concentrix and the great Tax Credit debacle.

I feel massively misunderstood and totally not listened to. I'm kind, polite, thoughtful, generous, supportive - all for nothing. I'm not even sure I am any of those things any more. Maybe its all false and I just behave the way ppl want me to?

Always told that I'm too hard on myself and that I lack confidence. I know that came from my childhood - I consider it almost impossible to maintain or grow self-esteem when my marriage has failed, my finances are in tatters, my parents are frustrated with me, I've lost an old friend (who doesn't want or isn't able to understand - and I have to respect that)
Ive no job and low prospects of getting one.

that's not to say I wont stop trying, but the brick walls and barriers are getting ever higher. Last night I grabbed a kitchen knife and went for my wrists. I shocked myself - I don't want to die but I'm not sure what the point of living is anymore.

erinaceus · 10/09/2016 04:50

I feel as if I am trying to avert a not-yet-suicidal-crisis. My DH told me that he has made plans to move out, today. I asked him to hang on just one day, and come with me to my appointment with the crisis team on Sunday. I feel as if I understand what is happening better than he does, and that when I try to explain it, he tells me that I am being cruel or horrible or issuing ultimatums or threats. It is as if he is unable to tolerate what I used to be unable to tolerate and am now articulating. Jeez, I think to myself, how on earth did I live through such an experience. As in, it is as if what I used to tell myself, is what I am now telling him instead. Crikey. No-wonder people told me to take it easy or to go gently on myself.

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Annaismyothername · 10/09/2016 05:43

I'm really sorry to read everyone's latest posts. Don't know what to say. FlowersSad

Sometimes when I think about my children I realised recently that I'm constantly trying to find my get out. If I'm not good for them then I've got my permission to not do this anymore.

apintofharp I'm glad you stopped. That all sounds so much, no wonder you feel so bad.

I've been emailing Samaritans again. It often helps me find one little thing to hang on to.

erin I'm really sorry. Maybe in the morning he'll decide to hang on till Sunday.

erinaceus · 10/09/2016 06:44

I found somewhere to go tonight, so that he can have some space until Sunday. I am grateful for people who understand what is happening, and have a spare bed, and who live just down the road. I will be out today, and he and I will meet with the crisis team tomorrow, to avert the not-yet-crisis before it gets as bad as it did before.

The thoughts, though, have started, and are somewhat intrusive. Distract, distract, distract, and one day at a time.

In other news, I am going out of the house imminently, as I already made some plans, so that is a good distraction for the next few hours.

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Annaismyothername · 10/09/2016 07:39

It sounds like a good plan to get you through until tomorrow.

erinaceus · 10/09/2016 21:38

I didn't even need to go stay away in the end. Tonight will be okay. Tomorrow, crisis team. Monday will take care of itself.

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apintofharpandapacketofdates · 11/09/2016 00:04

erin ShockFlowersFlowers

erinaceus · 11/09/2016 07:27

Oh no need to Shock, sorry, I did not mean to worry you. I just mean, more support is being put in place and that it just takes time. It is hard, but I am more aware of what is going on than during Previous Crisis when I just knew I did not feel safe anywhere and that I did not want to be going through this anymore. This time, I am like, right, okay, call the crisis team...I will be okay...also MN is a lifeline sometimes...

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Annaismyothername · 11/09/2016 08:32

I hope the crisis team is helpful today.

erinaceus · 11/09/2016 10:08

So do I. Or the not-in-a-crisis-team, as they are sometimes called, because you have to not be in a crisis, in order to be able to handle them. I am okay at the moment because I am able to articulate what is going on. Rough translation: I have not yet left the sofa and am still on MN two-and-a-half-hours later. (I did sort out some work email in the mean time.)

Thank you Anna. We shall see, with the Crisis Team.

I hope that you have a good Sunday.

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willowcatkin111 · 11/09/2016 14:47

That "not-in-a-crisis-team" made me smile. Never thought of it that way before but so true. When at my worst they just tell me I am an adult and get on with it Sad
Now I just muddle thro without them until it gets too much and I end up on a s136
Wish there was an easy place to say ' I feel like shit' and someone actually be able to do something to help. Most of the time they are more worried my suicidal feelings will mean I leave dd on her own to act on them than about helping me.
So much for World Suicide Prevention Day.
Hope everyone has an ok day today

erinaceus · 11/09/2016 23:54

The not-in-a-crisis team were really helpful. They didn't offer me another appointment and they did some sensible practical things. I think that my DH was impressed too. I remember them being much less helpful last year when I was in more of a crisis, so yes I think that calling them the not-in-a-crisis team is a good idea.

I never had an s136 but I have a sense of what it might be like because I was admitted against my wishes as a child, and restrained and treated and so on. It sounds like a horrible thing to go through.

I hope that you are okay today. In terms of places you can go when you feel as you describe, there is one, but you can only stay once in your lifetime, and if you have a DD you may not be able to go there. Some cities have drop-in centers you can go to as well, especially during the night.

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