Emotional (dis)regulation thread for expression strong emotions and supporting each other

[erinaceus]

Inspired by a few threads on the MH boards and elsewhere on MN, this thread is:

• A safe space to express strong or overwhelming emotions;
  
• Somewhere where MNers can support MNers who are experiencing strong or overwhelming emotions;
  
• We can share strategies for coping with strong or overwhelming emotions. Healthy strategies preferred, but bearing in mind that what is healthy for one poster might not be healthy for another poster.
  
  to everyone who knows what I mean.

[dangermouseisace]

wriggler I can relate to how you feel (that was me all summer) There will be other, better weekends with your DC. Things aren't great now but that is just how it has to be at this moment. I found (eventually) that just accepting that "this was how things were right now" and stopping thinking about what I should be doing somehow helped..at least with the guilt/self flagellation. It's ok to need some time to yourself (whether you get it or not is another question….)

emily that sounds like a nightmare. At least the police are understanding. Good boundaries with someone like that sounds like 'no contact whatsoever'. It's awful that someone can take advantage of you and then make out that they are the victim

[erinaceus]

Hi Everyone

Just wanted to check in after a few days away. waves at everybody.

I spent some time with a friend whom I have known for a long long time, and then did my hobby, and then went to see another friend. My friend whom I have known for a long long time, has had a difficult life herself, has a different way of coping than I do, but she is in some sense an inspiration because she has been through similar sort of trauma to me, and she has achieved some of the things I would like to achieve. I feel as if it might be possible, when I see her. It was great to catch up with her but also a bit overwhelming.

Then I came home and sort of collapsed last night. DH has a different way of coping again than either me or my friend. Working on the complex trauma stuff is really taking its toll on our relationship, which makes me sad . I am working on getting some support for our marriage but DH seems to believe that the problem is entirely with me. Sometimes he triggers me and he does not seem to understand that he is doing it. It's so, so hard and v confusing my feelings are all tangled up in a big tangly mess. I think I am a coping by talking and understanding and working through sort of person and he is a walking away from a problem person and this is not going very well for our relationship at the moment.

Now I will have a coffee and eat my cereal Today I plan to go for a walk in a park near where I live. I am not sure if DH is coming or not. He talked about going out to eat something. Maybe we will do both. Who knows?

[willowcatkin111]

I got my takeaway but still ended up in the s136 suite at silly am. But everyone, from the police & paramedics to the doctors was great. Especially the doctor who did the assessment - he really seemed to tune into me and so much he said made sense. Just wish the general MH team were so good but I rarely hear from them from one month to the next
But at least I am ok for now and will try to follow some of his advice, hard though it is

[erinaceus]

Sending willow. An s136 suite sounds terrifying. I am pleased to hear that you are ok for now, and that you met someone who said things that made sense to you.

I never left the flat yesterday after all. I did set some boundaries though, something that I do not find easy. Now I feel really quite shaky, and am trying to keep going.

[dangermouseisace]

oh dear willow I'm glad that the s136 was not an entirely negative experience and that you are ok.

erin sad to hear that working through things are straining your relationship with DH. Are you/have you thought of going to something like relate? I went with exDH and it was actually really useful- one of the things we worked on was how to manage our different styles of dealing with things. Like you, I'm a need to talk person, he was a need to go away and have a think person. (we didn't split up because of that)

I'm a bit worried being ok is wearing off. I've not been sleeping well- really vivid disturbing dreams. When my brain runs out of real life stuff it makes crap up, and then I get confused about what has actually happened and what hasn't . I've been trying to exercise more in order to sleep better/the whole endorphin thing but today it only made me feel worse- extremely anxious and exposed (how does that work?). I keep trying to tell myself that things go up and down and that just because I've not had the greatest day it is not necessary to catastrophise and assume they are all going to be awful from now on.

[erinaceus]

danger Thank you for your message. DH and I did go to see someone once, not relate per se but similar. I found their insights helpful, but DH didn't like the person, and it was bloody miles away. So I think we won't go to that person again, but I think we can go again sometime, to see someone different. Part of the trouble is that I am so, so used to therapy, I am sort of immune to being shocked by the therapist's insights, whereas DH is not the same as me, so he has a different reaction. I know a bunch of couples who have said they find something like relate helpful, and I think that we will go again, when DH feels he is ready. I do not feel able to drag him there if he is not willing.

In the bigger picture, I feel as if I buried things for decades, and now I found a language to speak about my feelings, I feel the need to express them all the time, and this is alienating for the people close to me who (a) end up with this person talking at them and sometimes saying the same things over and over again and (b) other people just are not used to it from me at all. It is a big change for me. My immediate family and I are distancing ourselves from each other for a bit, because I have become quite confrontational, and they are perhaps more in denial? Sometimes I point out that some past behaviours were abusive and then they express feelings that they are hurt by what I'm saying. Sometimes they are in denial straight away but then later on it settles down and they can understand why I am beyond angry at what happened in the past. They are very sorry - well, the ones who are still alive anyway - and they said that they are there for me, and I believe them. So I think some time and space for all of us will be a bit healing. I need to work through stuff myself now, and with my DH, my birth family will be there, they say they will be anyway.

My anger is so much at the moment; even so, our family are so so strong that I cannot imagine a situation where there is a total schism, just some distance for a while. It might happen, though, who knows? I know that in some families there does end up being a total schism but I don't think that it will happen in my birth family. Maybe I need to believe it won't for now, anyway.

[erinaceus]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit worried that being okay is wearing off. I understand the feeling of not knowing what to believe about what had happened and what hasn't. Depending on the context, I find writing stuff down can help a bit, and trying to keep some sort of routine going, even if it is a tenuous sort of routine.

I cannot really help with excercise, because for me it was a problem, as I sometimes did too much of it, and it can become not good for me. At the same time I feel so much better when I swim, I think I mentioned before, I joined a swimming club, and it is mostly going well, although it can be annoying when Coach yells at his swimmers and it triggers me I've left session early before now because of it. Coaches yell at their swimmers because swimming pools are noisy and sometimes swimmers do things wrong like not follow instructions. But even so I don't know him very well and being yelled at by a man I don't know can make me a bit shaky. I tried to get to know him a bit before the session because it sort of lessens the triggering effect. (He's not that good as a coach either but I like the club and the swimmers and the training times are convenient for me, so for now I'm sticking with it.)

I suppose I'm trying to say, take good care of yourself, and, yes, things go down as well as up and keep on posting here if you find it helpful.

[lifeaintblackandwhite]

Erinaceus, You and I have a lot in common. I totally get the having repressed things for years and then needing to express feelings as a result. i have been majorly triggered today and it hurts, big time.

[lifeaintblackandwhite]

Also someone who was supporting me through an eating disorder has dumped me because I am too dysregulated emotionally due to anxiety attacks. She was my sponsor with a 12 step programme for eating disorders. my eating is swinging like a pendulum

[lifeaintblackandwhite]

I hate yelling too, Erinaceus. Loud sounds startle me and shouting especially maKES me feel weird. From men especially

[erinaceus]

Sending lifeinblackandwhite

At the moment, my eating is not at the swinging like a pendulum stage but I do understand what you mean by that. I am sorry that you have lost your the support that you had. I have had that happen to me, too - someone stop being willing to support me after a relationship that was intense - and the loss hurt me more than I expected it would (understatement). I did get through it though (mostly). I am trying not to let the takeaway from that experience be not trust anyone, ever, at all, but I am not sure I am succeeding terribly well with this attempt.

I had a triggering week last week in general. I am not sure that I am super-happy that this past stuff came out over the past few years. It was a shock when I described how I had been treated, and other people described the people who abused me as things like abusers and perpetrators and that their behaviour was cruel. Such a shock.

I have no answers. Only time, and that I do not feel terrible all of the time. I am able to distract myself with plans for the future or doing things in the moment. I was so upset when swimming started to trigger me, because it is my hobby and the sport that I adore. If the lane is too crowded, and I am not feeling strong, I have to leave, or move down to a slow lane, where there is more space, even if my own training is compromised.

Ah well. Coping, coping, coping. Lots of coping. I find the support on MN invaluable even though I get tangled up in contretemps on occasion.

[willowcatkin111]

Spoke to my GP today which the team in the s136 suite suggested saying he would be able to get stuff moving. Sadly she did very little and kept pushing it back to the MH team. Feel back in limbo not knowing what to do.
Ah well, will carry on and see where the roller coaster takes me.
It is really hard because their priority is to keep me safe in the short term whereas that is the last thing I care about until they can get things in place so i feel better which is a long term thing

[erinaceus]

willowcatkin111 Short-term thinking of services can be difficult, especially when there is nothing long term that they can offer. I hope that you are able to stay safe in the mean time. I always ridiculed the notion of safety plans, until I started to feel as if I needed one.

I am having a difficult week at work. I plan to hand in my notice this week and one colleagues to whom I feel attached is someone whom I will end up saying goodbye to. (I only learned about this notion of "attachment" very recently, I still feel uncomfortable expressing this feeling at all, as if there is some sort of honourable stoicism in not needing anybody.) The sense of loss is incredible, which is nuts, because (a) it is not as if they are disappearing off the face of the earth, and (b) I am excited about my future plans and feeling very motivated about them. I just did not expect my feelings of loss to be so profound. This is a person whom I feel is on wavelength and who has supported me over the past few years. They expressed sadness when I said that I was leaving, and then I feel guilty because they are not being treated well by our mutual employer. On the other hand they are just a person and they can be annoying as anyone. It is a combination of them being a pleasure to spend time with and reminding me of a former therapist to whom I became, arguably, too attached - that therapeutic relationship ended abruptly, and the whole episode was painful at the time, and now I have a sort-of echo of that.

My DH takes the piss out of the whole thing, which is not particularly supportive, but I can see that he is hurt as well, because there is something that these other people give me that he is not able to provide me with, for whatever reason. My poor marriage is suffering at the moment Bit of an overwhelming week really.