Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

Hey all

Welcome nixnjj

Hope your DD is feeling better Jeepers

Not great here, anxiety through the roof.
Had to deal with relatives and they've rattled me good.
DC went BTS this morning.
I've been doing BTS for 10 years and I still hate having to wave them off.

Hi all, sorry will read through whole thread soon to get to know you all. Well sent son of to Secondary this morning, he was excited and full of confidence which was great. Had hoped to clean the house but anxiety and exhaustion kicked in so went to bed, just waiting for him to come home but panic through the roof, which is silly as I bet he had a blast. I really hate the irrational me.

Thanks for the welcome it helps to be able to get my feelings down. I have a doctors appointment on Thursday and I'm going to try and get myself refereed to Adult mental health services as I lost both my therapist and support worker just before school holidays started and I just want to feel normal again.

nixnjj glad your son got to school okay and that you are okay too. Sometimes retreating to bed is the only way.

I had a difficult patch this afternoon and I called DH for a quick word. I was talking to him about how these episodes of dissociation are common for me and how I always thought it was normal. I suppose it tends not to happen when I am with him which is why he never knew about it.

I agree. We all just need a day in bed sometimes!

We have made it back home all in the right number of pieces. DD is starting school on monday and is a bit of an emotional rollercoaster about it. She had her last day at nursery last week and has said she is really sad that she won't be going any more. I just want school started and then she will be fine. I think it's going to be a long week.

JeepersMcoy I agree. I remember learning from someone who had had longstanding MH problems and who has been in work a lot longer than me, who said she had only just got to the point where she would sign herself off sick with MH-related stuff for a day if she needed it. I found this a really mature approach and somehow inspiring that she did it. I think if you are constantly signing yourself off with "stress" you are going to run into absenteeism issues but her approach seemed so much more mature than my run-yourself-into-the-ground approach. I agree that sometimes a duvet day" is needed..

Good luck to your DD! I hope she enjoys school. It sounds as if there are lots of changes chez Jeepers at the moment.

Morning all

I agree about being proactive regarding our mental health.
I can't function if I have too much on my plate, so have to have a simple as possible day to day thing going on.
I get overwhelmed if I take on extras.

Have been gardening this morning and getting housework chores done.
I'm very tired this week so getting the basics done early, while I have a small bit of energy.

I have an appointment with someone from the crisis team on Sunday. I am not having the most fun I have ever had, at the moment. I think I am averting a crisis, but I do not feel certain. Maybe I am already in it? Who knows?

everybody.

Hi Erin it's good you have the appointment. I hope it goes well for you.

I'm finding it really hard to just sit down and do nothing at the moment or settle at things. I have that feeling like I should be doing something, but I don't know what. My brain feels slightly fuzzy and anxious.

Anxiety has through the roof.
Finally seems to be slowly calming at nearly 4am.
Horrible couple of days with waves of panic and paranoia.
Sound and taste is hyper sensitive and I thought the Queen was sneering at me from a banknote earlier, which was scary.

I feel like shite, feel very sad and am hoping I'll feel less so, soon.

Good luck with appointment erinaceus

If I say that the Queen probably was, does this make you laugh or make the feelings worse? I was freaked out by a poster about death and dying which was trying to raise funds for the BHF. Great cause. Stupid poster.

Thanks for the good luck wishes.

I find it very hard to know how much to tell DH about how I am feeling. I come from a family where there were lots of mental health problems going back generations and we talk about it openly. There were also what might be thought of as too few boundaries. Now, DH seems to be struggling with me. I was not sure it was possible to over-share with your husband but maybe it is? I suppose it depends on the couple. Ah well. DH will come with me to see the Crisis Team today.

I feel oddly calm in the middle of it all. Like the eye of the storm or something.

It doesn't make me laugh erinaceus

Adrenaline is dissipating, getting spikes of it that are taking my breath away.
I'm wiped out.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes I have to remind myself that one cannot die from too much epinephrine.

Saw doc today after a very rough weekend, anxiety-wise, with more hallucinations.

He's referred me to psychiatrist for a full investigation.

He's also prescribed Sertraline.
He wants me to stop the Citalopram immediately and switch to new med.
I've strong Diazepam to lessen the potential downside to the switch.

He thinks it's a form of psychosis and talked about schizophrenia.
Hopefully we'll get to the bottom of it all.

I'm worried about switching meds so suddenly with no graduated change, my last dosage drop (to see if it would 'kick-start' my emotions) was awful.

We'll see.

How is everyone?

Hi room. It sounds like the gp is on the case and you are prepared for any effects of changing meds.

Dd has had her first week at school this week and it has been something of a roller coaster for everyone. I feel like I have had a constant tension headache all week and find myself zooming out a lot when I should be doing stuff. I am fighting the urge to retreat to hiding under the covers and pretending the world doesn't exist.

I have been working on my OU course stuff even though it doesn't officially start for another couple of weeks. I am trying to aim for a month ahead of their timescales so I have a good buffer if it all gets too much and I need to slow down for a bit.

Hello, how are you all doing?

I've been taking a bit of a break from MN. The last failed IVF hit us hard and I needed to stay away from family/child stuff for a little while, I think. We're having a go with our last frozen embryos at the moment, and after that (if it fails, as I'm sure it will) will take a break from fertility treatments. My head surely needs it, and I need to lose some weight again, anyway.

I'm being assessed for EMDR at the moment. I had a bit of a bad time, which I don't remember if I wrote here about or not. Anyway, I ended up in A&E a couple of times, and they referred me onto the local access team, who thought I could do with some EMDR.

It's hard though. I've been having a lot of "voices" and some proper auditory hallucinations, and lots of confusion. I've been feeling like I have two bodies. I've been having flashbacks and feeling very unreal. My counsellor is currently on holiday. My GP is off sick.

I hope you're all coping, one way or another.

Hi BursarsFrogs

Sending .

I am doing okay thank you. It is not easy, but I am coping. Lots of coping. Coping, coping, coping.

I hope that you can access EMDR if you think it will be helpful for you. I know a number of people who found EMDR helpful. (I never tried it myself.) Some of them were astonished at the results. I hope for your sake there is not too long a wait and not too much assessing. Sometimes I find the assessing part of the whole thing to be stressful of itself to be honest, because it comes with the connotations of deserving and not deserving, and sometimes the conclusions of the assessment do not seem to match up quite with my experiences of how things are or aren't. Ah well.

Ah, erinaceus, good old coping. I keep being told quite often that I'm "doing well, considering." Wouldn't it be great to just "do well" sometimes, without any considering?

I feel the same way about assessments. You have to drag all the raw stuff out in the open to someone you don't have time to get to know. They're there to make a judgement based on it all. The therapist doing the assessment did word it as assessing whether EMDR is right for me, and something I'd cope with (ahhh, more coping), or would something else be more suitable, but from past experience I know there's always the option of just being left at the end of it with no help at all.

From past experience I know there's always the option of just being left at the end of it with no help at all.

Yes. I have been through this a few times. I find it feels horribly violating.

I understand that other people are limited in what they can offer you, but sometimes I feel as if I would prefer that the offer of an assessment was never made in the first place, than going through with an assessment and being found to not fit the service that is offered somehow.

I agree with the "doing well, considering". Someone who I spoke with the other day seemed determined to give me a sort of layman's diagnosis, and when I said I did not have any diagnoses at the moment, they concluded "ah well, you are keeping well, at the moment", as if the keeping well could only possibly be temporary and a future relapse and consequent acquiring of a future diagnosis is inevitable. This came despite the fact that this other person does not know me at all. I think that this other person filled in the gaps in using what they know about themself, and an awareness of one of my previous diagnoses. Nonetheless, the comment was very, very hurtful.

A future relapse might be inevitable, and it might not be. I'd rather it wasn't, because being unwell feels as if it is unbearable, and if it is inevitable, I would really rather not have someone who does not know me tell me this, in a casual conversation.

And breathe...

I didn't want to make it sound as if your assessment will be assessing you. My understanding is that EMDR is psychologically demanding, so, as a patient, you need to be safe enough to try it, which is what will be assessed, I would imagine. Sometimes, though, I find that even knowing this does not make the emotional reaction any easier.

Hello all, I sort of fell off the thread for a bit. I hope your assessment gets over and done with soon bursar and you get what you need from it.

I was really feeling like I was doing well for a while, but yesterday i suddenly got hit by a truckload of Impending Doom. I am realing struggling with the feeling that terrible things are about to happen and find myself going over stuff and analysing everything to try and see what it will be. I don't know what this has come from. I want it to go away.

I'm sorry you're having the Impending Doom again Jeepers. I'm sure it won't last forever - just like the good times, the bad times also go away eventually. I hope it leaves you sooner rather than later.

What you say about assessments makes perfect sense to me erinaceus. I had an assessment appointment on Friday, in which all the childhood abuse stuff was dragged up. I mostly spent the weekend lying on the couch, more or less unable to function. I have another appointment today, and really not looking forward to it. It's a four appointment assessment in total, so at least they're being somewhat thorough.

Hope all are well.

It's Room here, have NC.

I dropped off MN for a while.
Meds are knocking me out so haven't had much to say.

Sending you all

Hi Room/door, I hope that meds help.

How have your assessments been going bursar. They sound exhausting!

Hi everybody, I hope that you are all alright. waves I am doing okay, considering.

Hi all. Lady/Room I too hope the new meds are helping.

Jeepers it has been exhausting. The private counsellor I've been seeing for the past few years has always been very "client led" in how much detail I go into, never asking or probing too much. This therapist has been digging and asking for details. It's left me very raw and drained. She thinks my trauma is too complex for her to work with, but no one's decided what (if anything) I'll be offered instead.

I'm in the middle of yet another round of fertility treatments. Our last frozen embryos. 2ww. I'm full of hormones, cold and asthma. But at least all of that is keeping in the here and now, in a way.