Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

I think this overwhelming force of your emotions is part of the process of understanding erinaceus

Sorry if that sounds flippant or obvious.
I do understand how bizarre and big it all can feel

So do I. A am at work. In the end I just plucked up the courage and was direct with my line management about a couple of things. The power dynamics were overwhelming me.

I feel that I need to stay at work because the professional identity that I developed in the decade or so is the only one that I have right now and my emotional child-like self is playing catch up.

I am exhausted. So, so tired inside. Nightmares, flashbacks, everything. Horrible.

I can take time off work as I choose to. I am doing so as I need to. I am safe.

Thank you Room

Erinaceus I totally understand how confusing it can be to go around with a child self in your head. I've got quite a few different "selfs" in my head, sometimes making themselves known more, sometimes less. It affects how I feel and act and make a noise in my head, and it can feel very tangled indeed.

I think Room is right that feeling overwhelmed is part of the process when you've been used to avoiding feelings and are working to get in touch with them. In my counselling I seem to dip in and out of any trauma work quite a bit, because I get so easily overwhelmed, and start getting bad nightmares, night terrors and feeling self destructive. So I might talk about past trauma for a couple of sessions, then leave it be and focus on some issues in the here and now instead until I feel ready to get back to it.

I'm glad you talked with your manager and can take time off. Look after yourself.

Thank you both. I quite like the child part of myself.

I will post here when it gets bad. Fortunately I am self-aware now, unlike last October to December when I had to go to the Crisis House and then the Hospital. Today I am here and going to work sometimes and using I-statements a lot. Bloody hell.

I have found that therapy can have a bit of a getting worse before it gets better thing going on. I guess I have locked away or ignored the issues from my childhood for so long that when I acknowledge that they actually happened I am suddenly faced with dealing with the anger I should have felt 20 odd years ago. Like you describe I often find myself reliving bits of my childhood, but suddenly I see them in a different way and it makes me so angry and sad for the child I was then. On the whole it has been good for me to do though. Even when it feels a bit silly to be suddenly inconsolable about an event from decades ago as if it only happened yesterday. The brain is a strange thing sometimes!

Hi ladies
Thought I'd join in!

I'm sooooo fed up of feeling like this! I had a rough few weeks of high anxiety levels (health anxiety) and started to feel the dreaded depersonalisation creeping in ... It wore off after a few days.
And now it's back!!!!! completely out of the blue. I'm just going through the motions, I feel nothing - I'm not excited about anything, I don't feel happy I don't feel sad. I'm not me

When will this ever end

X

Welcome cookiedoughballs to the thread. This thread is helping me at the moment. I hope it helps you too. I have no experience of health anxiety and it sounds difficult to me.

Would a help you?

High anxiety here too but luckily my best friend was at work today so I had her there in case I found anything too overwhelming but it actually wasnt too too bad. I just tried to keep busy with displays etc. I feel soo tired and drained now though. Lovely dh has bought cinema tickets for later as dm has the dc tonight but I may fall asleep before or during the BFG!

So... I got my results and I have been awarded a 2:1 - I was just a whisker away from a first but I am fine with that!

But.... Now I am thinking everything is too good to be true... The past year and in particular the past two weeks have been a roller coaster of awesomeness and now I am waiting for some real shit to happen. I can feel doom just round the corner.

Told DH I felt it was all going to go wrong and he did say 'you always look at the worse case scenario - but I know you don't mean to and its part of you and you would rather it wasn't that way' which was sweet. He told me to embrace the good times - so last night I get slightly tipsy. That's as drunk as I get - I hate being out of control.

He got plastered and is now in bed with a hangover whilst I am sat in the garden with a cup of tea!

Welcome cookiedoughballs, I'm sorry the anxiety is so bad right now.

Goood I hope you enjoyed the film. :)

Congratulations inaclearing. Well done for the 2:1! :) I know what you mean about waiting for the doom, but I hope you manage to enjoy the good times, too.

I've got an English exam on Tuesday that I'm starting to worry about. I'm fairly confident I know the subject well enough (it's quite a basic exam), but I've never been to the place before, and I can think of so many things that could just somehow go wrong. Meh.

Hello cookie! How are you feeling today? Do come and chat whenever you fancy.

Big congratulations clearing! 2:1 is awesome and probably superior to a first imho (this opinion is in no way informed by the fact I got a 2:1, oh no. Not even a bit...) :o

I know what you mean about the impending doom when everythingis going well. Oddly when things went a bit shit at work, though I felt crap about what happened I did sort of feel more comfortable once things had gone a bit bad. I think I'm just not very good at excepting things going well, it feels all kinds of wrong

I'm actually feeling more settled now as I have decided what I am going to do and have a plan. I always feel better once I have a plan. I have decided to go for a change in career to something I have secretly wanted to be for years now (a mental health nurse). It means a year doing an OU course, then 2 years at uni and than I will still end up earning about half of what I am on now, but I think it will be worth it. I haven't told anyone except dh but feel safe to tell you guys. I will start the OH course in October then hopefully get into uni Feb 2018. I have done sums and money will be tight but we should just about manage. It's scary to be contemplating such a big change and also a bit mad to be planning to give up my cushy well paid office job, but it feels like the right thing to do. Besides I have a year to change my mind if I want.

Jeepers I know what you mean about finding comfort in the doom feeling. I wonder why we do? I know when I met DH ( we met late on in life) he once said to me 'you are frightened of being happy' .... I think he is right. But I am not a miserable old cow. People say I am funny and happy and great to be around. They don't see what's going on inside though... Tears of the clown I think.

Re your career change - OU is great - apart from taking ages to get my degree results to me they have been fab over the past six years. Like you I started just so I could get the first module which is a stand alone qualification in my line of work.... But I kept going.

I did enjoy the film thanks bursars. Bfg was brill.

Feeling down and lost today. Thought id have a nice day today as dc with mum overnight but ive spent the day worrying and over thinking and worrying about dh being unhappy at work. All I did was apply for jobs for him and didnt do anything for me. I feel like im spiralling downwards today. I had a free evening too and wasted it.

Congratulations inaclearing

Welcome cookie

Hi everyone else.

Weird few days here, mood all over the place, mostly gloomy unfortunately.
Have been writing to do lists and very slowly trying to get through them.

Glad to hear you're feeling better Jeepers. The change sounds really positive. I'm sure you'll make a great MH nurse. :)

I passed my exam yesterday, so had some short lived relief. Today I'm back to feeling weird. Vision keeps feeling not quite right (like looking through a slightly distorting pane of glass) and my head is quite "floaty". I'm feeling okay about tackling the food issues, although voices inside are all taking it differently. Feeling a bit crazy, really.

Congratulations on your exam bursars! And thanks for your support, it means a lot.

I ate something that hit my IBS really badly Monday evening resulting in horrendous cramps and horridness. The weird thing is that it really impacts in my mental health when I have an IBS flare so I have spent the last couple of days feeling really crappy and miserable. It's like being on a come down. My self esteem issues are really hitting me and I feel like I am useless and pointless.

I am telling myself it is just my stomach talking and I will be better again in a couple of days, but right now I just want to curl up and hide from everything.

Oh I'm sorry you've had IBS trouble Jeepers. My mum has it, and she's seeing a dietitian, who recommended she try the FODMAP diet. She's been on it for about a year, and says it's made a huge difference for her and really works. (I think she has eating issues anyway and is kind of using it as an excuse to not eat very much, but hey ho...)

I hope everyone is okay. I saw my lovely GP again today, as she wants to see me every four weeks or so. She thought I seem very down, so I'm going back to 40mg of fluoxetine. I never think ADs are doing very much for me, but both DH and GP seem to think they do, so I take them anyway...

On a really positive note, I have one of my paintings on show in a local exhibition launching this weekend. I'm very nervous and excited! AND I've been in touch with a local creative writing group to see if I could join them in some point!

Thats great! Well done. Wish I was creative.

Anxiety day here. Couldn't shake it til I got home. Trying to concentrate at work but its like someone was muffling the conversation and I had jelly legs. Luckily best friend aka 'the boss' was in today so wasnt by myself. Got tomorrow off then in by myself on fri, that'll be fun

I had quite a scary night last night. Another bad memory loss that's freaking me out quite a bit. I remember DH coming home in the evening, and I remember cooking dinner. DH tells me we ate the dinner, I tidied up, we had a drink and watched some TV and I seemed fine, but I have zero recollection of any of that. Then I apparently had a breakdown, which I also don't remember. The first things I really remember is an ambulance crew talking to me, so I guess I must have really scared poor DH. I got seen by a psych nurse at the hospital and given diazepam and there'll be some kind of a follow up, too, but I'm just left very confused about it all.

I'm still feeling pretty out of it. Frustrated with my own head. Everything's very muffled and strange. I guess the diazepam could cause some of that. Also feel physically sore all over. I feel pretty embarrassed about this all actually, although none of it's anything I've done intentionally. Just feel stupid for having caused such a fuss...

Oh Bursars what a frightening thing for you! I haven't had any experience of that situation but it sounds fucking terrifying.

I do know that when I have been in a bit of a state I can feel as if I have been through the mill - I ache all over. I wonder if it's because we tense up so much.

Big hugs and lots of hand holding from me xxxx

Bursars poor you, that sounds so scary!! X

Hi all.
Hope things have calmed for you Bursars

All is ok here. My mood is still like a pinball machine, pinging all over the place,at speed.
Am due a med review in next few weeks.
Currently taking 30mg citalopram daily but feel I function better at 40mg.
Will chat to doc because I just can't decide what to do.

Have been clearing the garden, chopping dead tress and clearing brambles etc.
Have enjoyed the time outside.
Each little job off my to do list feels like a huge achievement.

Morning everyone, and thank you both. Inaclearing. I think it's true the soreness might come from tensing so much while really anxious. Room, well done getting those jobs done, and I'm glad you've enjoyed it.

I'm doing better, thanks. I made myself leave the house yesterday. A fried who's having a horrible time and has been withdrawing and clearly depressed finally agreed to a coffee and a catch up, and to some help in filling in forms to apply for counselling, so it felt important to go. I think being able to listen and help someone else was actually really helpful for me, and she did also ask after me, and we had quite a good time of it really.

It all happened with the help of diazepam, though. I understand why it's not prescribed longterm these days, but I do wish that it was! I used to have lots of panic attacks when I was a teenager, and got given diazepam for a couple of years. I don't know how I'd finished my school without it. These days it's very rare I get given a couple of days' worth. I know it's for the best (who wants more addictions?!) but I wish there was a drug that worked as well on anxiety and was okay to take on the long term!