Keeping it real in the depersonalisation/derealization hang out thread

[JeepersMcoy]

Following a thread in Chat where a few people have said they suffer from depersonalisation and derealization issues I thought it would be nice to move the conversation to somewhere a bit safer and out of the Chat traffic. It has really helped me to just hear that there are other people out there who feel how I feel and I would love to be able to come and share good days and bad days with you all.

Biscuits, cakes and nibble are provided along with a selection of hot and cold, alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages (all dietary requirement catered for). Pull up a chair and and together we can attempt to hold onto some semblance of reality.

Oh dear, no more chocolate...

I have a weird half-recollection that I was sitting in the bathroom being really sick and voming acid during the night. I would probably think it was a dream, but stomach still hurts a lot, and mouth feels horrible, so it was probably true. (No I hadn't been boozing!) So what was I thinking eating chocolate for breakfast?!

I think it might be illegal not to eat chocolate for breakfast on Easter Sunday bursar. I hope you start feeling better and your stomach settles.

On the subject of supermarkets I find it is the choice that overwhelms me. I have left all my shopping in the aisle and walked out because I couldn't chose which toothpaste to buy more times than I care to count. I now try and write a really clear list and picture exactly what I am buying. Then it's in and out as quickly as possible, trying not to think too much or deviate from the list.

Today we are visiting bil and family, also dh's dad will be there. They have 3 boys and I find the whole thing overwhelming when we see them. So many people in one place. I never know what to say and how to act. Dd is also full of chocolate so i am hoping she isnt going to be too difficult. I have journaled it all out, hoping that will help. I just have to get through it.

Choice overwhelms me too.
Big decisions I can make in a heartbeat (new country, new house etc)
What to have for dinner can bring on a meltdown.
I'm feeling extremely hollow today.
It's an anti-feeling, an absence of emotion.

Hi to everyone on the thread.

I noticed the discussion about choices. I cannot do choices of any kind at the moment, what time shall we go out, do we need lunch first, what would you like for lunch? Aargh!!!

I don't know whether I'm coming or going at the moment. Been feeling a bit sick which might be because ive just increased AD dose so hopefully that'll ease. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm tired. I would love to curl up in bed in a dark room for a couple of days.

Hope everyone else has managed their day OK.

My AD dosage was reduced recently to see if it might kick start my lack of emotion and disconnection from everything.
I guess this has contributed to my sense of not being real.
I very much miss being happy, though I 'know' have been, so I know its possible.
I'm aware I'm being self centered.
Hope everyone is ok.

If you can't be a bit self centred here room then where can you :)

I have never taken ads, though have had gps suggest them, so I can't be much support there. I do imagine that any change to medication would take a bit to settle. It sounds like you are struggling to get used to the change.

I am actually feeling pretty good today and in getting stuff done mode, which is nice. I have a list of stuff to do while I am in the right place so can make the most of it. I have already showered, written the meal plan and shopping list for the week and chucked dd in the bath. I want to try and get to the shops this morning as well.

Re. supermarkets, I also need a detailed shopping list, or I'll just stand there confused and unable to think of anything to buy. It's tricky when they happen to be out of stock with something in the list, though.

I've been on several ADs. I'm on a low dose of fluoxetine right now, and while I can't tell the difference, other people keep telling me they can. I think when I was on paroxetine I felt more numb than usually. At the moment the numbness isn't really a huge issue for me. A lot of my thoughts and feelings just don't feel like "mine", and they feel like chatter in my head rather than something I'm experiencing. And they're very inconsistent, and I don't know what the feelings are about etc. Some of my dissociation symptoms do border on the DID kind of stuff though.

You sound very organised today Jeepers :) well done! I'm having a bit of a rubbish morning myself. But it's sadness about some circumstances that I think would make most people feel sad, so I'm trying to be okay with it...

Gosh, just had a rather bracing session with my therapist. I think session 4 should be renamed the Goady Sod session. Still, this is what I pay him a small fortune for I suppose :)

I find it can be hard to know what is normal to be upset about and what a normal level of sadness or detachment is sometimes. It sounds like you are allowing yourself the space you need Bursar to be sad at the right things. If that makes sense...I might have confused myself there

How's everyone doing this week? I've been feeling pretty useless and like I'm not getting anything done at all. Just existing.

What kind of therapy are you having jeepers?

I spend most of my time in bed......hours on end alone.......blinds down, door locked, bedroom door closed.....this is where I feel safe at the moment.....no one really understands......I keep a lot to myself...worries within always surface during the night...horrific nightmares when I finally close my eyes at 4am........night after night....facing major surgery again within the next few weeks.....really worried and have no one to talk to....family are blocking it out as though it's not happening.....

My anxiety and OCD have both gone into over drive and exhausted at the same time!....nightmare....

Big hug to everyone...

Oh dear Forever I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Especially the nighttimes. Are you getting any help?

I feel like I'm just existing too Bursars. I think the ADs might be helping a bit because I care a lot less about it all - the crazy feelings etc.

We're moving house and we've had visitors so I haven't had a chance for sitting around. I'm starting to think it doesn't matter how I feel if I can go through the motions of day to day life. At least it doesnt matter to my children so long as I can keep up the normal appearance. Not good for my relationship.

I wondered about your therapy too Jeepers. I'm waiting on counselling and having second thoughts.

It does sound like you are having a really hard time right now forever. You can talk to us here as much as you like. Surgery is scary and stressful at the best of times.

For those thaf have asked, I have gone private for CBT. After having free counselling in the past and it just never working out I have found myself in the lucky position to be able to afford to pay. It means I have been able to choose the how, who and what. I feel much more in control and think that has made all the difference for me.

I decided to do mine online through a site called plus guidance. I went for someone who is very specialist in CBT. I have an hour once a week through instant messenger. It is very practical in looking at how to help me manage the anxiety issues right now and does not go into my past at all. He has now got to the stage where he challenges my thought processes quite a lot, which is hard sometimes, but is what I need.

It has really helped. I think once this course of CBT is done I will be in a much better position to successfully address some of the deeper issues as I feel more able to cope with the anxiety and avoidance thinking about them brings about.

I'm so tired. Why is it I spend the whole day feeling exhausted and then when I get into bed I can't bloody sleep

Jeepers it's rubbish when that happens isn't it? Hope you don't struggle too much today.

I meant to thank you for posting about CBT. I've heard it mentioned a lot. I might read up a little. I've been in that depressed sort of place where you take all the support you can get, forgetting to give back.
It sounds like CBT has been working for you.

Hope you have something nice planned for the weekend.

forever oh dear, it sounds like a horrible time you're going through. Do you have any support at all? I hope the surgery goes well for you.

nodifyou Please do give counselling a chance if it's possible. It can be a great thing just to be heard. Good luck with the move. I can certainly identify with the feeling that it doesn't matter how you feel as long as you can keep up the appearances, but eventually it will matter, I'm afraid.

Jeepers Have you talked at all about the issues other than anxiety to the CBT counsellor? I've been told in the past my issues are "too comlex" for CBT, so I've never really given that a go properly. I'm also seeing a private counsellor, but not really sure just what kind of counselling it is that I'm having. The counsellor is very nice though, and I've been really glad of her support, although right now I'm feeling quite detached from that as well.

I've been drinking wine tonight. I find it really tempting to use alcohol and over the counter meds to somehow dull me and help me sleep, even though I already feel dull. Not sure what that is about really. Maybe I prefer to stay dull?

Hi all.
Haven't posted for a few days.
DCs have school holidays so I'm extra tired.
Definitely on auto pilot, as per.

Hi all. We have a trampoline to put up for dd today. It's an exhausting prospect, but it's also good to have something practical to do I think.

bursar CBT is really just about dealing with problematic thought processes in the here and now and does not at all deal with the historical cause if these problems. So it gives you the means to manage anxiety but there is no discussion of where the anxiety came from.

I have come to the realisation that the reason for previous counselling never working out is because my anxiety and avoidance issues mean if I try and face the deeper historical issues directly, or even indirectly I just go into flight mode. Appointments are cancelled and I disappear off the face of the planet never to be seen by the poor counselor again. I have ghosted quite a few counsellors in my time.

I think before I can deal with the roots of my issue I have to learn to manage the anxiety that comes with it. My plan is to do the CBT to get the basic anxiety and avoidance under control and than find an integrative or person-centred counsellor to look at the historical stuff with me.

I have specifically chosen someone who only does CBT and is very clear they don't deal with my childhood trauma as I know that I am not really ready to face that. It makes me feel safer and more able to manage the therapy knowing he isn't going to discuss it with me.

I think counselling is a hugely helpful thing, but it is vital to get the right person at the right time for you. Do give it a go nodif and if it doesn't work out first time try something else. Nobody should have to live feeling like this. We may function as far as other people are concerned, but that isn't enough. I have to believe it can be better than this

It's great if the CBT is helping you. I don't know if I'd manage to separate the now and the past that well. But I've also been working on coping skills rather than talking loads about past trauma in counselling.

I'm not feeling well today. I've done all the things I really needed to do today that were on my to do list. Managed it by pretending I'm a woman who's able to do these things. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm observing some physical anxiety symptoms, but don't really feel anxious. I feel trapped in this body right now. I'm trying to listen to some relaxing music, but the sound disintegrates weirdly, becoming just noises rather than a coherent rhythm and melody, and it's grating rather than relaxing.

I'm supposed to use anchors and mindfulness etc to try to connect to my surroundings and myself at times like these, but those things make no difference. I have no connection to them.

I hope you are feeling a bit better and more connected today bursars. It sounds difficult and disconcerting.

I am suffering from terrible imposter syndrome at work at the moment. I sort of feel like I have somehow ended up mistakenly doing someone else's job and at any time someone might notice and ask me what the hell I think I'm playing at. It all feels a bit like a dream. A really boring, office based dream.

Hi all, I'd like to join in if I may. I've had depersonalisation/derealization (along with dissociative amnesia and ptsd) for the past eight years. For a long time I was terrified of this - I was self harming, couldn't recognise my face in the mirror, would look at my hand and couldn't see how it was attached to the rest of me, couldn't feel any emotion whatsoever. Happy to report am now well on my way out of it and feeling pretty good! Had 1.5 years of CBT which got me half way there, but it was EMDR that really made a huge difference. Also exercise - five times a week - running, yoga, swimming has been crucial to my recovery. And non judgemental friends who could see me for more than just the traumatised wreck that I felt I was.

Hope it's okay for me to hang out here with you all, so that I can learn more about these problems from other people's experiences. Because I only know mine, and I think my understanding of these problems can be enriched if I hear other people's stories. And I'd like to help others if there's anything from my experiences that might be useful to anyone.

themostinterestinglife It's great to hear that! Very pleased for you! :) I'm trying to form a habit of exercise at the moment. I use apps and lists to keep track of my days and habits, so I don't forget, but it's always a struggle to get going - even though I always do feel good afterwards.

I seem to be up and down quite a lot right now. But for once I'm sleeping well, which is a big blessing indeed. I felt bad this morning, so went back to bed after all the morning stuff got sorted and slept until midday, and have been feeling more or less fine since then. I'm looking forward to seeing two friends (who are understanding and treat me like a normal human) tomorrow.

I hope everyone else is feeling more or less okay today.

Thanks BursarsFrogs. Good luck getting in to the exercise habit. I was ruthless with it - would put my running clothes on as soon as I woke up, or head to the pool first thing. And I prioritized that over deadlines/work/family/everything. But I have been able to do that because I stepped back from my career for a while. My career was very stressful and was one of the reasons why it took so long to get on top of the trauma related issues; I was consumed with work stress and needed to step away from it to concentrate on my health for a while. Now I'm raring to go and getting back to work next month.

And yes to the sleep. I am aiming for getting up to six hours a night. I used to only get four or five as I was too frightened to sleep. It has taken me a while to get used to not being exhausted/dissociated/traumatized. I didn't recognise what happy was when I first started to feel it again!

Hope everyone can find a little bit of calm in your fractured worlds over the weekend.

I'm in awe of anyone who manages to keep up a career/job with this!

I enjoyed catching up with my friends yesterday, but the town and the noise and everything did get too much for me, and I ended up really dissociated and anxious in the evening, and slept a lot overnight. Still, very happy I went. It's been another day of chores and doing things today, and I feel a bit out of it alll....

My therapist had me go to a cafe yesterday and order something without planning every step in advance. Usually I cope by meticulous planning and knowing exactly what I will do and say and order. I managed it and got a nice slice of cake. I was so exhausted though I had to have a nap when I got home!

bursar I have a career and nobody at work has even the smallest idea that there is any problem. I am amazingly good at disassociating to the extent that I can sit through a meeting looking super confident while inside I am curled into a ball screaming.

They have no idea that outside of work the thought of speaking to someone on the phone makes me feel physically sick and ordering in a restaurant gives me a panic attack. I have no friends as I am unable to maintain a platonic relationship with someone without picking it apart in my head until I am unable to even text them, let alone actually meet up.

For a long time I thought the fact that I function (have a good job, family, home) ment that I was alright. That because everyone else thought I was OK then I must be. I just had to deal with it as it can't be that bad, I was just making a fuss.

It was such a relief to me when I read about depersonalisation and it said that a lot of people with it come across as completely normal as they run on automatic and maintain a facade of control. It's allowed me to admit I have a problem and that it is real. It has also given me hope that life doesn't have to be me just riding around in my body acting out what I think is expected while inside I am in a constant state of fear and pain. It is such a relief to know not everyone feels like this!

Gosh, that was a bit of an outpouring

Jeepers Great about the cafe and cake. I'm the same with the meticulous planning, and struggle when anything is an unknown, and find it hard to enjoy anything spontaneous.

As to the career, I understand what you mean. I was exactly the same with my studies, and still am with my (few) hobbies, although with my counsellor's encouragement I have started to break down the silence, and can now show a little bit when I'm struggling, most of the time. I suppose it's my anxiety (which I can't seem to escape) rather than dissociation alone that stops me managing to get and keep a job...

I didn't have any real friends (as opposed to online ones) for many many years. It's been a really hard thing for me, and another thing my counsellor has really encouraged, to open up to a couple of people a bit more, and I've been lucky to find friends in them. I do overanalyze and worry about the relationships a lot still, but we seem to be keeping a healthy thing going - not too close and intensive, but close enough. It's a huge thing for me to finally have "adult friends" I can meet up for a coffee or go to the cinema with! :)