Need support but mn keep deleting my posts

[elementofsurprise]

and I dont understand why.

It has really helped me being on here the last couple of days. Theres a man who I thought was a friend not treating me very nicely, but I need his help so I kind of stuck. But having people on here to talk to ws helping.

MN keep sayng to seek real life help, but I have and have detailed it on these threads. it feels so horrible, I feel so worthless and hopeless and s alone I cnt even post on an anonymous forum. I have written abut how services are responding, I have said I am going to contact MIND and things, why aren't i allowed support on here?

I would like MN to tell me what they think the servces are going to do, cos it sure as hell isnt supporting me like kind MNers have been doing. Do MN think there is a lovely kind supportive hospital place waiting for me or something?

I want to go and see the abusive man cos I feel so alone and he might be nice and hug me. I know its not a good idea in othe ways so i came on here to talk about it only to find my thread deleted. I just dont get it, ther people can post about v v dodgy abusive realtionships and get support, why cant i? I cant post in realtionships cos MH is a big aspect, whereas in MH my post is tumbleweed.

This meant a lot and i just do not know what to do, the services wont/cant offer much help, even if they agree to take me on it'll be months til I get an appt and then it'd be fortnightly or something, my GP isnt in today, and even calling MIND etc, its just not the same as this site which is 24/7. What are MN expecting to happen when I seek help? it seems so cruel and really hurting me to delete my threads, what the hell do they think will happen? feel like im being bullied, kicked when im down, cut off as a worthless human being.

If we could do something, I hope you know we would.

element You're not under attack, so you don't have to defend yourself. If the other posters are like me, they are all wanting to make you a brew and give you a hug. Anchor has shared similar experiences to you, and s/he's simply asking some honest questions. It is not an attack. We are on your side. We are dedicating time and effort to trying to help - doesn't that tell you sometime about the posters here. We care. Stop pushing it away.

therapy aws helpful t the start but now i dont have the dy to day support (unofficial,subtle support of justhaving people around who care ) then its my only chnce to speak opemly all week, so cant get to the deeper stuff as not coping with the day-to-day. i have horrible memries of my past, this is why i started therapy. the nhs round here dont offer this kind of in depth therapy, only short term ones.

satsuma yes i should do that really. problem is whe im able to do that i have to use the energy to do stuff that was put off when v unwell. I tried the advocay place to helpw ith it, but the letter they wrote was basically what id said written down with "...so I am not happywith the serive provided" written t the end. it was just my rambling chronologicl explanation, not a proper letter. sorry that soudns ungrateful but theyd have just laughed it out.

but maid, ppl have blamed me saying i must not enage or made me feel bad i cant go ut in person easily, even though ive done my best to still get therapy. thats not mepushing help awy, that me explainign rather than just feeling worthless and rubbish bout the symptoms of being ill. do u see what i mean?

Hi OP

I've just sort of read through this thread and recognise some of what you write in my old self (when I was in my early 20s and very underweight and also very depressed)

There are several things which spring to mind so I will try and say them without sounding like I'm having a go, which I'm definitely not.

First of all, not having seen your other thread, what is the exact problem? Can you sum up what you feel is going to happen to you if you don't have the elusive help you are seeking, from someone?

That's a straight question and not loaded, I just want to know what you see the problem as being - if you can answer it, then I could probably be more helpful - I'm trying to help and can spare some time so bear with me x

and its upsetting to be tod im pushing help away, when someoe blaming me and making me feel bad fr not coping isnt exactly helpful. cant u see thats not helpful? if i coudnt walk would someone say "oh ur not engaging with the dr if you wont walk there?" do u see what i mean? im standing up for melf rther thn just feeling bad bout what i struggle ith. well im feeling bad too, ut trying to explain

am i allowed a suportive thred then? so ppl dont criticese just be suportive? i see other pister have but i get scred feel like i dont deserve it

You can use bullet points if you like btw

Element, people's comments have not been aggressive or rude or blaming.

They are trying to find explanations so they can find solutions TO SUPPORT YOU.

Unfortunately none of us can really adequately do that online.

You sound very like my husband when he has an episode, and his head interprets things a certain way. This does not reflect on you as a person.

But because of this, MN may delete this thread. Not because you are to blame for that, but because they don't want some member inadvertently saying something which will hurt you deeply.

Can you understand that on some level?

deirdre
i have been trying to go on alone with tings getting hrder and harder for so long. I have lots of bad memeories and bad experiences i struggle to deal with these. i have trid to go on alone cs seeking help was making ti worse. Felt trapped and not listened to. except i arranged therapy privately as felt i needd to work thru the past experieces.

as mentioned i have tried to do all the right tings and feel gd bout myself etc. but things have got harder and harder, especially as more alone, some 'friends' i had to walk away as not good, not rspcting me. two have moved away and one has disapeared into a relationship. So the suport-without-needing-t-ask-for-support has gone.

the last two days i have been suicidally depressed and sought elp in desperation. I posted on here then somthinh hppend that made it even worse and harm to me imminet so posted again urgently s nowhere else to turn. this is the continuation of tht. i am not urgently suicidal anymore bt was on and off until late last night.

iam trying to deal with my paat without support basically. The closest person in my life is semi-abusive and i feel alone having to justify and explain myself to him, but at ther times he can be very kind.

element The question asked was: Being really honest, with yourself if not with us, do you engage?

This is a genuine question and one only you can answer. It's not an answer that you need to post here, but my impression is that you don't feel capable of engaging. "Engaging" isn't just about taking advice to go to the gym, it's about entering a dialogue.

Your feelings are your feelings and I'm not about to deny you them. But when you say that people are making you feel bad, do you understand that this isn't the intention of anyone here? You feel bad because of what you're choosing to interpret from people and I'm not saying you can snap your fingers and have that mindset go away. But I guess I'm asking you to trust that nobody here is trying to hurt you or blame you. Can you just take that premise and hold that as a general principle for all this discussion - nobody is trying to hurt you, I promise. Can you trust me and us on that? Can you always hold that in your head when you see a post that makes you feel bad?

I know what it's like to have people misunderstand your illness-I have me and people often don't get that I can't just do everything that they (or I) want to do. The trouble is that can make people defensive which makes it hard to accept help and engage with professionals who really do want you to get better.

element you're confusing being supportive with telling you what you want to hear. If you want to get better you need real life professional help. Relying on friends and Internet forums to get you well won't work and will be harmful if it stops you from seeing mental health professionals who have the specialist knowledge to best help you. You have to put your energy into getting that kind of help sorted. A pp suggested launchpad-would they be a good place to start?

Wishing you all the best.

kacie on the previouspage i have been blamed for 'not engaging' cos i sturggle to go out. that isblaming me for symptom of my illness, that is not nice. most ppl have been nice but my reply was specifically to that poster.

btw in answer to questio bout help - its others who seem to think theres some magic elsuive 'help' out ther. hence all posts telling me to 'seek help'. When its got so bad im suicidal cos it seems hoepless, i dont know whats needed. hence feeling its so hopeless.

Wheim feeling marginaly less shit, like now (ie not suicidal, still feel worthles, sick, shaky, scared) i think just somesupport, in the form of someone who cares, would be enough to see me throgh til i can pick it up alone again. like someone mentioned a hug and cup of tea. not beig made to feel a waste of time or having to explain myself. I probably need the same thing when suicidal tbh but cnt tell at the time.

Element, my love, I have been following your threads. I wish there was some support or advice I could offer to help.

However, as other posters have said, I don't think these threads are helping you at the moment. Not that Mumsnet can't help you - but it can only support and chat, not advise. No one knows you or your exact situation. Which leads to ppl have said things that rly hurt me and are gnorant so i am allowed to reply and set them straight.

Posters are trying to help. They really are. They are trying to listen and engage. But no one is your professional, and with the best will in the world, they are sadly going to say things that you might find upsetting. They don't mean to hurt you, but because we are all words on a screen, things may unfortunately hurt you, and that can't be helpful.

Wishing you all the best

No Element - I'm afraid that part of supporting you means correcting you when you've misinterpreted something: that wasn't blame. That was someone asking a question. Maid has outlined that again above.

If the support you need is a cup of tea and a hug (and that's understandable, as is wanting much deeper relationships than that), then the problem is that you cannot get it from this forum. Aside from telling you to go outside and try volunteering, try connecting with people, there is nothing we can do.

Even if someone said "Where do you live?" and said they could come over, that would be incredibly dangerous too. You'd have no idea who or what they were, or what they could do to you.

So the real risk of these threads is that you will instead get hurt by us random strangers trying to help. I'm seeing that in your words and MN will too. Please could you tell me if you understand that risk?

putple i am seeing a therpist. The service have repeately refusedto help me - the dont offer the therpy i need, they are v v v overstrectched and underfunded, and they encouraged the private therapy. i have spoken to the gp twice in last week, once ws yesterday. so I AM seeking help.

so friends etc hasnt stopped me seeking help. once again, i explain: having support ouside therapy means therapy 'works'. it means i can use the sessions to get to the root of my problems and deal with my past, the 'deep' stuff. Whereas without that support i am not coping day-to-day enough, therapy is my only chance to speak openly all week, so cant get to the deep stuff as not coping with normal stuff. Does that make sense?

Also, friends etc and support, just ppl who care, is actully a great help. i am going by experince here, not guessing. I have spent 5 yrs trying to get professonla help, and also before when i was younger and the bad stuff i have memories about was happening. So i a definitely not seeking support over profesional help!

when i am feeling worthless and rubbish, a hug and cupof tea and space withsomeone who doesnt think imrubbish helps far, far more than ringing the overworked, busy, fobbing-off crisis team. im not asking them to solve my problems, just be there when im overhwlmed and death seems like the only optin, or whem i need someone on my side intead of feeling lone and worthles.

Okay, I just wrote a very long reply but don't want to post that.

It sounds like you are just lonely.

It doesn't sound as if anything is putting you in danger - it's like you're wearing a pair of glasses that make ordinary things look kind of blue and sad, and your mind is mixed up with your physical signs which you think is a scary thing.

That's Ok, lots of us have been there. You're anxious and you're alone.

Well,

I think you just could use some reassurance, really. Look at yourself. Is there anything endangering you? Any injuries, anyone threatening you? Are you physically OK?

If so that is good.

You feel sad, that's alright. It can't hurt you.

The suicide thing - is that you thinking it would be best if you weren't here, or that if you don't kill yourself, something bad will happen?

I mean is it a head thing or a genuine fear about the alternative?

Are you just really lonely? That must be really hard to deal with. But it doesn't mean you need to kill yourself...does it? x

if someone wa explaining there symptms to me and felt rubbish and striggled to get out i woudnt tell them it was their own fault for 'not engaging'. i woud be more compassionat thtn that.

What do you think you would say to them Element? If it were someone else in your shoes?

deirdre i dont tink i cn ever get over my past. im scared of the future cs i cnt work and all benefits are being cut. even if theywernt i want a proper life, i feel so worthless.

im not coping ith all the bad memeories from the past and i feel sick and so worthless
dying seems the only logical way out [note to mn i am not actively suicidal]
i feel in so much pain, i get sick and anxety syptoms, i get confused nd cry and lose chunks of time. I seem to get more incpable by the day.

Element you really have to accept that the time has come for you to accept that the only person who can help you is you.
Others have said it, and it's true.

All the health care professionals have said that there is nothing more they can do for you. They have not said this because they are being mean and nasty to you, but because there genuinely is nothing more they can do.

You mentioned that they have suggested a gym or volunteering so they must feel that you are capable of that.

I do feel much sympathy for you, but I really feel you must stop this negative "I can't" mindset.

Make up your mind that you will go out this afternoon, if only to the corner shop.

kacie i tend to go for a rant about how shite the ystem is, or gallows humour compring it to physicl illnessto show how badly treated it is, or take the piss out ofstupid suggestions from crisis team etc. so person knows its not personal. Just say i understand. in person id hug and make tea and stuff. i dont know bout support otherwise though, it is a grim situation to be in i could only understnd. A poster who i knw understand messaged me last nite which helped cos i KNOW they know what its like.

susannah
i do make myself go out, i make myself do evryhtings all the time. i am trying my best but its getting hrder not easier. i ahve been in risis and suicidal, i already feel shite, actully i think its ok to nee some support. or should i feel shit abut it? im so confused

also susannah they are wrong suggetsing i volunter. im not ble to do that atm, fgs i called them suicidal,not a little bit sad. they are worng and its hurtful and insulting for you to suggest im just not trying hard enogh

ps. my gp was shocked theyd sugested that, he is worried and is callign daily atm. they are known to be shite - theres areport by MIND over dodgy unehlpful crisis care, as well as hashtags and so on, its a familair failing of the system to service users

i feel horrific.im wrthless waste of space.not god enoug