Need support but mn keep deleting my posts

[elementofsurprise]

and I dont understand why.
It has really helped me being on here the last couple of days. Theres a man who I thought was a friend not treating me very nicely, but I need his help so I kind of stuck. But having people on here to talk to ws helping.

MN keep sayng to seek real life help, but I have and have detailed it on these threads. it feels so horrible, I feel so worthless and hopeless and s alone I cnt even post on an anonymous forum. I have written abut how services are responding, I have said I am going to contact MIND and things, why aren't i allowed support on here?

I would like MN to tell me what they think the servces are going to do, cos it sure as hell isnt supporting me like kind MNers have been doing. Do MN think there is a lovely kind supportive hospital place waiting for me or something?

I want to go and see the abusive man cos I feel so alone and he might be nice and hug me. I know its not a good idea in othe ways so i came on here to talk about it only to find my thread deleted. I just dont get it, ther people can post about v v dodgy abusive realtionships and get support, why cant i? I cant post in realtionships cos MH is a big aspect, whereas in MH my post is tumbleweed.

This meant a lot and i just do not know what to do, the services wont/cant offer much help, even if they agree to take me on it'll be months til I get an appt and then it'd be fortnightly or something, my GP isnt in today, and even calling MIND etc, its just not the same as this site which is 24/7. What are MN expecting to happen when I seek help? it seems so cruel and really hurting me to delete my threads, what the hell do they think will happen? feel like im being bullied, kicked when im down, cut off as a worthless human being.

[elementofsurprise]

god thanks gamerchick its nice to know its not me

[elementofsurprise]

unfortiantely PALS just contact the cmht who say "get your gp to refer you" then ignore the referral

tbh just then acknowledgin i need help rather than making out im a waste of space would help

i used to have friends i could just have a cup of tea with or whatever but dont anymore. some i had to step away from as they were critical of me so much, some moved, one got lost in a relaioship.

[elementofsurprise]

cloak i kow i wont make friend til im a bit better. thats why ive been 'making do' but haved discovred im lso not getting better without friends, cos i cnt work on the truama stuff whilst not having some company day to day. cos i get engulfed in it

[elementofsurprise]

just feel like a lost cause cos i ave been doing all the right thibgs to get bttter but its just been a downward spiral over months... ppl are saying thinsg here and ive been doing them but gtting more incapable every day rather than better. fel like a freak

[elementofsurprise]

right am speaking to somone on facebook

[CloakAndJagger]

If you're in the NE there's a group here that do writing and walking that may be an outlet for you Launchpad

[NameChange30]

It does sound like your local services haven't been helpful, but that doesn't mean you're "not good enough" or don't deserve help, it just means they haven't been able to give it to you. There could be lots of reasons for this, to do with funding or pressures on the team or poor training or just someone who isn't very good at their job or is having a bad day. Lots of reasons, none of them you.

I think you need to self-refer for the advocacy service and enlist their help to get to see a psychiatrist. I think you need a diagnosis. In terms of coping in the meantime, there have already been lots of good suggestions here. If a suggestion isn't helpful try not to get angry. Posters are well meaning but don't always get it or understand you and your situation. That's ok. We're not professionals. And that's why you need a good professional. I understand that all the setbacks are frustrating but you do need to persevere.

[elementofsurprise]

I didnt knw laucnhpad did that, thats good wil get in touch. am going to get something to eat now.

[AyeAmarok]

Good work OP

What did you have to eat?

[giraffesCantDoThat]

what medication have you been on that didn't work?

[elementofsurprise]

I have had prozac, citalopram, sertraline and mirtazapine. Also antipsycotics in small doses as a sleeping aid - although i haven't really taken them much. The odd valium for the same reason.
Being listened to and knowing in theory peple were on my side helped mch more than ny meds though. The trapped condemned feeling goes away then. Spent some time living communally once too and that was amazing.

Realised smething awful this evening though. I've been the only one seeing me through for so long and its like its run out - like now i need someone else to speak up for me and think im ok when i cant. thats really bad. Feel like that makes me a bad person.

thank you all for being so kind x

[MaidOfStars]

element Re: the mental health forum I linked to earlier. It's not the Mumsnet MH forum, it's an independent site. Not sure if you thought I meant the Mumsnet board.

[VagueIdeas]

services have refused to elp me numerous times and told the gp twice in writing not to re-refer me.

Element, I've seen a lot of your posts this week and you keep saying this like HCPs are persecuting you and you're hopeless but... there must be a reason for this. When your GP keeps telling you that there's nothing left that can be done (because you've already been referred to various services, and tried various medications before?) you must realise there's a reason for that.

Is it that you've tried so many different meds but you've ended up stopping them and then found yourself back at square one? Did you take meds for a while but then not manage to get the repeat prescription sorted out? Have you failed to turn up for appointments and then been discharged back to your GP?

I'm not accusing you of these things, just wondering why MH services are saying they cannot accept any more referrals for you.

When you're very depressed and in crisis it's so easy to get stuck in a circle of thinking even your GP and mental health teams hate you and don't want to help you, when actually it's because you've been there, done that, and things haven't worked out so there's no point going round in circles over and over. A previous poster who said that ultimately, the only person who can set you on a determined path to recovery is yourself is right.

You can't go to your GP or other HCPs begging for non-specific "help" like they can wave a magic wand and make everything better. No one can do that for you. I know it's hard to motivate yourself when you're at your lowest ebb, but recovery is hard work and you need to put the work in.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Being really honest, with yourself if not with us, do you engage?

From what you've written, you don't attend therapy in person, you didn't take the gym referral. It sounds like you don't go out much at all, and if that's the case, they may well continue to discharge you for not engaging with the service. You are telling them that you are in crisis and need human support, an actual person, but then isolating yourself by doing therapy over the phone and not going out.

Whilst I appreciate that it is difficult (I had a long period where I couldn't leave the room for anything) you're in a loop. You'll be stuck until you can show that you will engage.

[lougle]

I've read the whole thread. What screams out is that you want to be 'fixed' and that in your mind, hugs and cuddles will fix you. But I don't think they will. Because hugs and cuddles are expressions of relationship and relationships take effort on both parts.

At the moment, you want friends so that they can support you. I understand, we all need support, but true friendship is a two-way supportive relationship. It isn't a 'hug bank'.

At my church, a lady who is very wise talks about 'self-talk'. The concept isn't religious, not at all, it's discussed in many different ways. Self-talk is what we all do. We sometimes use self-talk to justify a course of action (well I wouldn't dream of doing x normally, but I was forced to by y circumstances) when we would otherwise feel bad about our behaviours. But we can also damage ourselves in self-talk without even thinking about it. Condemning ourselves for making a simple mistake. Telling ourselves that we deserved some horrible situation. That everybody else is happy and content in life and we're the only one who has it tough.

The fact that you can engage in this discussion shows that you can concentrate. You can organise your thoughts. You can be coherent.

I don't think hospital will help at all. In hospital the number one focus is working towards discharge -you'd see discharge as rejection. That could even lead you to getting more ill so that discharge becomes more remote.

You need to push yourself as much as you can. Make a list of things that might help and try the least scary of them. If you can't walk down to the shops, walk to the end of your road. If you can't do that, walk to the beginning of your road. If you can't do that, walk to your front door. If you can't do that, walk to the lounge.....just do something.

All the time you focus your energy on your sense of injustice that people aren't fixing you, you're missing the issue that only you can control what you say to yourself.

[elementofsurprise]

aanchor did ou acually read my posts or just make up what you thik i said?
There was no gym referral. it was suggested i join a gym when i phoned up suicidal trying not to aharm myslf. it was an utterly inapropriate suggestion for that moment.
I have said a milion times on here i have been doing all the right things, trying to get out, trying to see peple, doing a course etc, but things have been getting harder and harer and ive been getting more and more down nd incapable. I lose chunks of time realise ive been sat there weeping or silently staring at a wall feeling sick. im trying my best here and being blamed as if i doing something wrong isnet hlping.

If i cant get ot the house what do you suggest? i thought having therapy over the phone was good enough. now i feel like a failure. Whats more this is therapy i pay for! i have searched it out and do that, its not the servies providing it. Ive also written that sevral time in the thread so i dont know why you think its services.

But if someone is struggling ot go out and cant go at specific time cos they dont know whe theyre going to be ok to go out in public thats a symptom, surely not somthing to blame the person for? i have been asking fr help for YEARS, i asked first when i was still ok to pop off to appointments. now i really struggle with going out. god i feel really shit now.

i stilltry my best to go out but just popping to shps etc i dont have anyone to go and see really, therapy is totally different cos obviously it upsetting so it takes a lot more to be able to cope with being upset in public than say just popping to a friends house where i wont be upset.

But the services wont engage with me! they have refused therapy cos they dont offer the long term theray i need. Basically over the last 4 years they decide soething then the services get cut and rearranged. they havent offered me therapy, they hvent offerd a cpn for ages - when they did i jumped on the chance and saw her every time (this was 4 yrs ago) but then they rearranged services again and i got discharged and told to wait for therapy. after a year i found out i wasnt on a waiting list, maybe cos that had been rerranged/cut too? Please see gamerchick's post at the top of page 6 forservices in this area - they are appalling.

i have been to services, i have talked tothem, bared my soul etc, they hae just past me pillar to post and not offered anything.

its really upsetting it seems like yu havent read my posts at all, have explained all this. asking if i "engagae" and blaming me for struggling to get out when i have trid to do all the right things all the way through is horrible and has made me feel worse.

[MaidOfStars]

element I know you're distressed but taking it out on posters trying to help you won't make things any better. Please accept that everyone here is trying to be kind, understanding and find the level at which you are able to function in normal life

How much do you pay for your therapist? Do you feel it's working (I suspect not)? Why do you continue? Do you feel "therapy" is the right thing to do, even if it's not getting you anywhere? Could you use the money for something else, perhaps for a carer to come in for a while, have a cup of tea with you?

[elementofsurprise]

lougle the point is ive been inc riis the last couple of days. ppl are treating it like its just normal and baby steps blah blah. in crisis and suicidal is different, thats when its all got too much and i cant manage alone.

consdering how ppl always send posters off to seek help, its really upsetting to be treated like im different and just be told to do stuff myself and like im ding something wrong for needing a helping hand sometimes. ppl on tis thhred being kindand understanding has got me through, not ppl dismissing me and telling me to joing a gym

i didnt even sayi wanted to be in hospital, others have said that. i have been before its not a nie plce,though would keep me safe for a couple of dys when things bad. but hsoptal is not like ppl imagine, theyve no time and not always kind.

and i didnt say hugs would fix me either. but i knwo when i had ppl i could talk to,be with, ppl who thought i was worht something, it meant i coud keep fighting on every day much much easier. Do u see what i ean? right now i onyl have me on my side (nd a few kind posters who have pm'd me whih makes a dfferenc ppl dont seem to understnd that) and its like ive worn out and need someone else to speak up for me sometimes.

when i had hugs etc then naturally there was that support without it being obvious support. i mean, just being round people who liked me was a subconcious support. but ow i feel i have to justify being treated nicely or constantly explain myself and feel like im not worth much cos i have to keep justifying myself. i had friens who understod it was hard ging out for example, or understood i might not be the life and soul but i ould still be with them. but some posts on this thread or the services or semi-abusive man make me feel i am not worth much and have to justify myself and explai myself to them all the time. i didnt need any dramatic upport just someone there who wsnt trying to use me or blame me or drag me down. i dont have that now. (as mention, some moved, closest one got realtioship and disapeare on everyone etc.)

[elementofsurprise]

vague serices said they wont accept referrals cos i will only be disapointed. i think they recommended he desnt refer rather than being allowed to pre-emptivly ignore them though. I dont think there allowed to do that legally.
As mentioned , i originlly (5yrs ago) go referred to them, it was decided i needed in depth therapy. The they decided i was too upset (their word) as had bad relationship breakup after being referrd. So was told i ws on waitin list again. had cpn for few months, then everything got cut nd rearrnged and cpn was taken away, was told still on waiting list. then found out after a long time i wasnt on list, couldnt find ot what had gone wrong nd couldnt deal with making complaint as was too unwell. took many referrals to get bck in the system and be assessed again. Got no cpn after that ...

god i cant fce typing ot whole thing, was going t delete that but left it so u get the picture! its been a nightmare. The above took two years. ive tried to just keep on with my life, tried a course i had to drop out, had a lovely holiday, spent tie with friends as often as possible, leanrt woodwork/diy fixing thigs in my flat. i really have tried so hard.

[elementofsurprise]

ps i i am ding another open uni course now too

[LonelySatsuma]

If I were you, element (and I have been suicidally depressed before), I would channel all your frustration and anger into a letter, and send it to your GP, mental health trust, crisis team etc.

Telling them how desperate, frustrated and let down you feel by the slack of support you are receiving, in WRITING - it often has more power than talking, phone calls etc.

I complained about my crisis team and how unbelievably shit they were in writing (I was slightly more eloquent than that), and within 48 hours a manager was on the phone and they were pulling their finger out to sort out some appropriate care for me.

[elementofsurprise]

maid im not aking aything out on anyone, just trying to explain. ppl have said things that rly hurt me and are gnorant so i am allowed to reply and set them straight.

[elementofsurprise]

if they were aying these things to someone else in my positin id step in and correct them, i have tostand up for myself and defend myself cos i dont have anyone else to do tht

[elementofsurprise]

its so upstting and really horrible if someone is trying there best and then a poster to blame them for there symtoms.

[Kacie123]

element, this board is clearly upsetting you.

As such it WILL get deleted because people here can't help you and could inadvertently leave you feeling more despairing.

I am NOT saying this to tell you off - I can't tell you how sympathetic I am - but to warn you because I think you will take it the wrong way.

Anchor and others are trying to help. No one is attacking you. I have a feeling you'll be posting another board and wondering why this one vanished soon.

Have you written to complain to GPs? Is this something we could do to help - read a draft, suggest edits perhaps?