Need support but mn keep deleting my posts

[elementofsurprise]

and I dont understand why.

It has really helped me being on here the last couple of days. Theres a man who I thought was a friend not treating me very nicely, but I need his help so I kind of stuck. But having people on here to talk to ws helping.

MN keep sayng to seek real life help, but I have and have detailed it on these threads. it feels so horrible, I feel so worthless and hopeless and s alone I cnt even post on an anonymous forum. I have written abut how services are responding, I have said I am going to contact MIND and things, why aren't i allowed support on here?

I would like MN to tell me what they think the servces are going to do, cos it sure as hell isnt supporting me like kind MNers have been doing. Do MN think there is a lovely kind supportive hospital place waiting for me or something?

I want to go and see the abusive man cos I feel so alone and he might be nice and hug me. I know its not a good idea in othe ways so i came on here to talk about it only to find my thread deleted. I just dont get it, ther people can post about v v dodgy abusive realtionships and get support, why cant i? I cant post in realtionships cos MH is a big aspect, whereas in MH my post is tumbleweed.

This meant a lot and i just do not know what to do, the services wont/cant offer much help, even if they agree to take me on it'll be months til I get an appt and then it'd be fortnightly or something, my GP isnt in today, and even calling MIND etc, its just not the same as this site which is 24/7. What are MN expecting to happen when I seek help? it seems so cruel and really hurting me to delete my threads, what the hell do they think will happen? feel like im being bullied, kicked when im down, cut off as a worthless human being.

also afer losing it i asked why shed said it, i tryied to explain why i was so blown away nd hurt to such an extreme... honestly shw coudnt have said anything worse given my history

"was labelled bpd"

To be honest I'm not surprised, I'm not a professional but I did wonder if you might have BPD or another personality disorder. Maybe the label isn't helpful, it certainly isn't helpful if people judge you and don't give you the help you need. But if you have some BPD traits, maybe there are some books or online resources that might be helpful to you?

I'm not saying you're a bad person or the person they thought you were. Just that having a framework to explain how you are feeling might actually be helpful to you.

How did you find your last therapist? Could you ask your GP to recommend someone else?

I'm sorry things have broken down with the person you were seeing. It would be good to start off a new relationship by establishing boundaries around when you can call on them for extra help and when you'll have to seek help from another mental health professional. Most private therapists can't offer round the clock phone availability and if you're clear from the beginning it might help the situation you're in now not to happen again.

It's really hard when you're feeling upset, but you really have to try not to "lose it" with people who are trying to help you because they will refuse to see you.

Element I seem to remember reading on one of your previous threads that you also 'lost it' at a GP surgery and that you were subsequently banned/struck off.

Do you think you should maybe consider whether you come across as very confrontational to people?

We could be getting to the bottom of a lot of your troubles.

emma i went to see gp ages 19 with panic attacks and depression tho, which started in volatile home environment. i hadnt labelled them at the time,assumed drs knew best/. even if there r traits the way they view everything thru the label is awful, they said i "shuld be fine" and needed "to grow up and stop being silly"... i felt a lot older thn my peers and always did things mysef without sking for help beofre so that was a surprise.

it actually looks like i may well have undagnosed aspergers, i totally get the 'brain freeze overload' thing. i dont want it to be tru tho cos i couldnt fix it then :( i feel like im from another planet. loads more stuf obvs thats just the first that springs tomind.

i feel like suh a failure, i tried so hard

You're not a failure. You're struggling and that's ok.

" even if there r traits the way they view everything thru the label is awful, they said i "shuld be fine" and needed "to grow up and stop being silly"."
I think the problem here is not the label itself but their attitude and response towards it. If you look online you might find support from people who understand BPD and will be helpful. For example you could look at BPD world, they have an online forum and other sources of support.

susanah if they are goign to hurt me arent i allowd to get angry?

and even so, it wouldnt have happened if shed listened to me. thats the point, im trying to get help and get better, becase i feel so shit i have a shorter fuse. actually i put up with a LOT of pain from ppl beofre i snap, people have been really nasty to me with provocation yet im expected to be perfect ad never react? like this man i have mentioned on this thred, im supposed to tend to his emotinal needs and smile all the time and never need anything.... this is my role in life is it?

i used to just hide and hurt myself thru my teen years to deal with it whe ppl hurt me ike this. one day i started standing up for myself. id never shown anger before.

everyone loses it when there stressed and overloaded and cant thinkstright. if i was feeling fine i have v patient. I used to work as a carer and they all loved me i was very patient and am caring eprson. but if people hurt me then my brain explodes and fuzzes up and i have to hurt myself, or tell them what i think.

Ok so she wasn't the right therapist for you - that doesn't mean that another therapist wont be right for you. I think you need to get back to the DR/Crisis team and ask to be re reffered, or ask your therapist to refer you to someone else.

I don't want to get into trying to diagnose you on here, I wouldn't know where to begin, but if you had a volatile home life then that might be a good place to start when trying to establish what went wrong.

It doesn't preclude something like AS but honestly it isn't the first thing I'd consider if bad things have happened to you during your childhood.

There are a lot of crossover traits between different conditions. It's generally a case of which fits you the best, I think

But WHO is going to hurt you? Not the receptionists at the surgery or your counsellor surely? They were trying to help you.

This page on the Mind website is interesting. It's about misdiagnosis and the similarities/differences between BPD and other mental health conditions such as PTSD, depression, etc. Might be worth a look?
BPD: Misdiagnosis

emma - sine then i had read loads bout bpd. as soonas i found out the label i bought a book bout it - self help thing. but it didnt describe me. i read blogs etc nd altho i can identfy with some there are massive areas that just do not describe me. eg. i can have realtionships fine, but have a tendency to get taken advantage of, then myself (and the profesionals in the past) assume i must be doing something wrong. eg. when i first sought help years ago i was in a reltionhip with an abusive man much older. i didnt know better, but sevices buddied up with him telling me i mst be n awful girlfriend. anyway i then keep trying to make the realtionsip work being a complete doormat until something pushes far enough and it ends. but i ahve friendships with peple even if they no longer live close they are long lasting, i dont 'push people away' or those things.

so what i mean is there may be 'traits' but as far as i cansee most humans have 'bpd triats' so not sure how useful that is. As mentioned my problems seem more to ft into aspergers, especially i see the world in more logicl way sort of. Im always wanting to say to people "why do people do x in y situation, when in another y situation they do z?"if that makes sense. one person who utterly 'gets' me is on the spectrum.

i dont know though i just want to fix it all

sorry for rambing its helping to write it all down

You're not a failure, but if relationships with people are always breaking down and you recognise that your behaviour ('losing it') is a contributory factor, then that's what needs to be addressed because anything else will fail.

I know someone who always feels terribly let down by people around them. But they constantly shift goal posts so that whatever you do, you've disappointed them. Everything is framed in disappointment. It's incredibly hard because no matter what you do, it isn't good enough and it's exhausting. I can't even begin to think how awful it must feel to that person, because they genuinely feel slighted, let down and disappointed with the people around them and can't begin to see that their expectations are not realistic.

Don't know if you saw my last post, OP (could have been a cross post?)

Anyway, I agree with Dierdre:
"There are a lot of crossover traits between different conditions. It's generally a case of which fits you the best, I think"

Only a psychiatrist can diagnose, not you and certainly not us. But whatever the diagnosis or label, the important thing is that you help yourself, this includes persevering until you get the support you need, and engaging with it.

susanah look up bad treatment of people labelled bpd. esp. pre-2007. then you will see that that drs nd nurses will hurt ppl. heres an example of top of head: www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/institutionalised-discrimination-borderline-personality-disorder
think what it feels like to be in such pain inside you can see strght and trying to survive and have them treat u like that.

Also at previous gp's the receptionists were all like the "computer says no" woman on little britain. when ur depserate and theyre being so rude to u its hrd to stay calm. My current surgery theyre great no problems. been there years.

my current issues are memoriesfrom past events and experinces that overwhelm me, with no apparent trigger. Relatingto people im fine with, hve loads of aquintances but few friends and barely any close anymore due to moving etc as mentioned. Main day-to-daya issues are depression type symptoms (triage woman said this the other day too) with anxiety. The only thing thatll make my brain flip out/overload in a mental way is being in pain already, and totoally bullied or invalidated. (doing too much at once and plans chaging suddenly also makes it 'overload' and cease to work but in a quiet way like a robot switching off).

i had got loads better at explainign when someone is hurting me though, but the brain overload thing means i cant remember how to speak sometimes.

so i 'freeze'. In fact that was my original main sympto - would feel overloaded and in pain and brain would freeze up. also tears would stream down my face. so coudnt hold down job or do well in a-levels so sought help and yeh, its all got more complicated since then

lougle i dont change the goalposts or things. i struggle to get beyond aquaintance level, when i do its usually fine. but people have been frindly then backed off suddenly and i can onlythink they just dont knw how to deal with someone who mentally unwell. which is what the friends i do hve have said. i am considerd (apprently) to be kind and stuff, to me its normal but i guess that has made other people seem less kind to me, i was brought up to nurture, probably toomuch tbh.

emma ive had 3 pages of asperger traits written for ages, havent coherently put into list/groupsof symptoms yet though, to tke to gp. he said he'll refer me if i do. I dont want thatto be wrong cos i cant fix it. my brother appears to be classic asd although undiagnosed (too old) so its likely :(

lougle meant to add, i just wouldnt bother with ppl ifthey are going to treat me badly, but trying t get help from services is different, you HAVE to deal with them to try to get help. what i mean is, normally that situaton wouldnt arise. only due to being unwell have i been forced to deal with ppl who hurt me so much - it feels like abusive realtionship with services.

"it feels like abusive realtionship with services"

If you "lost it" with your therapist it sounds like you were verbally abusing them, not the other way around.

I wouldn't normally tell people they're overreacting but in your case I think your mental illness is causing you to feel disproportionately hurt by people when they are not intending to hurt you.

the abusive realtionship with services refers to Nhs services. thats why i said services. not prvate therapist. I have detailed here what services were like to me. they colluded with my abusive older boyfriend and you cant see that its like an abusive realtinship?

Actually services bein an abusive realtioship was something i realised in private therapy. its like an abusive relationship because you arestuck cos you need something from them so they have the power to abuse you and you have to please them in the hope they will meet that need. they have all the power to wrte stuff about you even if its untrue that will affect you forever. for example they said iwas physically vilent and this is a lie. the whole set up in unequal, they have all the power and they can do what they like to you and you have to go along with it co there is nowhere else to go.

i have explained my entire history on here, and to private therapist a zillion timess. wat she said was completely invaliating everyhtng i feel and everyting ive been through. she obvs hasnt listened to a word ive said in 18 monts if she is saying "youve refused help" when all the horrible experiences ive had with nowhere to turn, and all the horrible overhwlmed trapped feelings, have related to seeking help and getting none. can u really not see that?

i feel dreadful, and trapped, and whe i was young and vulnerabe and sought help they left me to an abuser and told me i was a waste of time (in those words). they stopped the homelss services helping an stopped me accessing even chritable support. and you cant see why it utterly cut me up to have all this inavlidated? seriosuly?

its like if id been beaten by a fmaily memeber growing up and she'd referred to it as me beating the family memebr. what she said was the complete opposite of everytign we've talked about. all the pain and horrible experiences ive been throu because they wouldnt help me and instead bullied me, and she acts like weve never had those converstaions? really you cant see whyt that tears me up?

plus she said before it was ok to show emotons, the point is to let it out and that sort of thing, she actually said it was ok to be cross with her etc.

i always felt if i only i could be good enough then theyd (services) help me, i later realised this is what people feel in abusive realtionships. but you will never be good eniugh

i just dont undrstand this at all. if the roles were rversed, and i knew someone who was really struggling and i accidenally said someting insenstivie and they snapped, id apologse.

If we were in the situation where i should relly know better cos my error realted to the most fundamental aspect of what we'd spent 18 months talking about, i'd be mortified.

if they were paying me for the priviledge, even more so.

i mean, id have apologised to her for smapping given half a chance, but my god she should undersand why it happend!

all th rules in the world dont seem to ad up
i feel like ive failed somehow but then why hant she listend for 18moths? why have i had to keep explaiing again and again?

if its all my fault then there no hope is thered? but im sure its not, it doesnt make sens ,id not treat someone like tht who was hurting id listen and be sensitive to them if they wer on edge etc

but either way it seem pretty hopeless... how do i del with ll the bad experience san pain of my past if no one 'gets' it? well people do whove experienced it but i need a therpit who does

i thght it might be ok earier now its lal dark agan