Need support but mn keep deleting my posts

[elementofsurprise]

and I dont understand why.
It has really helped me being on here the last couple of days. Theres a man who I thought was a friend not treating me very nicely, but I need his help so I kind of stuck. But having people on here to talk to ws helping.

MN keep sayng to seek real life help, but I have and have detailed it on these threads. it feels so horrible, I feel so worthless and hopeless and s alone I cnt even post on an anonymous forum. I have written abut how services are responding, I have said I am going to contact MIND and things, why aren't i allowed support on here?

I would like MN to tell me what they think the servces are going to do, cos it sure as hell isnt supporting me like kind MNers have been doing. Do MN think there is a lovely kind supportive hospital place waiting for me or something?

I want to go and see the abusive man cos I feel so alone and he might be nice and hug me. I know its not a good idea in othe ways so i came on here to talk about it only to find my thread deleted. I just dont get it, ther people can post about v v dodgy abusive realtionships and get support, why cant i? I cant post in realtionships cos MH is a big aspect, whereas in MH my post is tumbleweed.

This meant a lot and i just do not know what to do, the services wont/cant offer much help, even if they agree to take me on it'll be months til I get an appt and then it'd be fortnightly or something, my GP isnt in today, and even calling MIND etc, its just not the same as this site which is 24/7. What are MN expecting to happen when I seek help? it seems so cruel and really hurting me to delete my threads, what the hell do they think will happen? feel like im being bullied, kicked when im down, cut off as a worthless human being.

[BubsandMoo]

How did things go with the GP phone call?

I know you've said in a previous thread you don't find the Samaritans listening service on the phone what you want, did you know you can also email or text them? Texts might be more what you're looking for, an ongoing conversation through the night.

[elementofsurprise]

ok then. Idont know what help i want, I dont think anything exists that will help me. Bar love and cuddels and kindness which no-one can give anywy. People on here telling me im worthwhile helps a tiny bit in that direction.

Its other ppl who think I should 'seek help' and think there is some magic answer out there. I tried to hold onto the idea that im ill and maybe not seeing clearly and maybe someone could help. But asking and asking and being expected to know what the answers are, its making me feel more worthless. I just dont know. it hurts, i know that.

I dont have a partner, if I did it would be something. I get the iea of sitting by the fire cuddling a dog and its the small things etc. But i have no-one, just a handful of ppl wh expect me to e fine of expect things of me. I went to see that man last night because he was the only one who would possibly hug me and be kind like i needed. He wasnt.

im sorry if im doing anything wrong, i just do not know what to do any more.

[laughingatweather]

Element - I mean this really kindly but I really don't think it's helping you posting here. It might give you some immediate relief but it's not enough.

I've read all of your threads and you're frequently in crisis and that's awful for you. It's horrible. But people are going to keep posting advice that may not be helpful or make you think you'll be able to access things that you're unlikely to be able to.

And you've posted before about friends abandoning you because you feel they can't cope with you or feel yhey let you down or reject you. Every time you have a thread deleted or someone posts something that you think means they don't care or don't like you or are cross with you, it's feeding into your negative view of yourself and the world.

We care but we can't be your friend or give you a hug or any of those things that you really need. I'm worried that the more you post but feel rejected by the response, the worse you will feel.

Because this thread will probably be deleted and you'll feel that you're being punished and you'll start another and seem more desperate and distressed which will worry people or upset people and it'll be reported and deleted and it'll go on again.

[elementofsurprise]

yes magpie its what tey said just now

[MaidOfStars]

Element Are you religious? Have you ever tried a church group? Not even for the religious stuff (if it's not your thing), but for warmth, tea, smiles. It's not a "hobby group" where you might feel pressure to "perform", but perhaps you could check out local meetings, even just to go along and have a chat about the weather with someone.

Sorry, I'm doing the "find a solution" thing, but it occurred to me that this was potentially an untapped source of comfort.

And now I need to go and bleach my brain for recommending someone goes to church

[P1nkP0ppy]

AnotherEmma It seems that the Crisis team and OP's GP are at a loss too.....clearly the professionals don't feel medication or admission is the answer.
do you have any family or friends around who would help?

[elementofsurprise]

arf yes that was a weird way of putting it. Thy haven't tried therapy, the assessed me for CAT and decided I was unsuitable. The therapist assessing me kept going on about how she coudnt work out what I was doing wrong that made me feel so bad. I explained I felt bad 'naturally', as it were, and she kept insisting I must be DOING something wrong that caused repercussions that upset me. Just point balnk refused to accept i wake up feeling shite. She also made me recall some of the painful memeories i have nightmares about but wouldnt let me talk about them.

GP asked bout private therapy and i explained it wasnt really going anywhere, cos I no longer have support outside sessions. So cant dig deep as not coping with 'basics'. Missed sesion today cos didnt realise time, phoned her when ten min left, explained how bad thingswere but she just sounded frustrated and I just feellike im not good enough cos she doesnt see people like me, they are all profesionals etc who seem fine, not ppl actually ill iyswim.

laughing I havent posted about friends abandoning me? I have maybe mentioned ppl in general not caring about MH but not people id consider friends. May have mentioned a close friend who disapeared on everyone when they got a partner? That made a huge difference to me actually.

[NameChange30]

"gp has just said "there are no options left". He said theres no meds tht will help, no therpy that will help."
He's not a mental health professional, though. I think you should insist on a referral to a psychiatrist, or if he refuses, get a second opinion from another GP.

P1nkP0ppy "the professionals"? As I said, the GP is not a mental health professional, he's a generalist. Just because he says there's nothing that can be done doesn't mean he's right.
Also:
"do you have any family or friends around who would help?"
I get the impression that the OP feels alone and unable to turn to anyone, hence turning to the abusive "friend" and posting desperately on here.

OP, try insisting on a psychiatrist referral. Also self refer for the advocacy service. Lastly you could contact your local Mind to see if they have any support groups or local services that could help you.

[elementofsurprise]

laughing oh now i think about it I may have mentioned something that happened years ago, in relation to not understanding why they acted like that to me but not someone else?

But basically i have to hide this stuff, keep a smile on, so I am accepted socially. I thought I needed to get better before I could make new friends.

[elementofsurprise]

arf yes i think i need humaness. I dont think ican have that though

[elementofsurprise]

GP can only refer to CMHT, think he's goin to do that. Psychiatrists are in short supply everywhere though. So appointments like gold dust. So last times I was assessed or involved with cmht I didnt see one, just nurses, social worker etc.
I just wish theyd helped when I still had some social support, so i could have got a bit better then instead of this hopeless mess.

[NameChange30]

If he's referring you to CMHT that's something. Hope you can see a psychiatrist as I think you need a proper diagnosis and meds, personally.

[ilovesooty]

Has your therapist contracted with you regarding missed sessions and telephone contact outside sessions? Do you see her in her home or does she have to travel?

[elementofsurprise]

I probably have vit b and iron deficiency, discused on another htread. Am tking supplements now.
I feel crap cos if al the bad memories of stuff thats happened, and feeling worthless and unloved cosi basiclly am. Well, unloved anyway.

I wish i was a normal human who fitted in and could have cuddles. I wish the professionals would speak to me kindly at least and not make it worse.

im sorry

[MaidOfStars]

element Is it possible for you to get out and about?

Did you see my post about church groups? Also, have you thought about volunteering? Soup kitchen, homeless shelter?

[ghostspirit]

i have never heard of a gp saying therapy or medication cant help. maybe you could talk to another gp?

very long time ago i had mental health issues. i used to have counselling. once a week, i was calling Samaritans several times a day.seeing my gp once a week-fortnightly. i was talking about how i wanted to dye and taking pills and how everything was hopeless. everything that was suggested to me i would have a reason for why that could not work. in the end the samaritains had to cut my calls right down. i was spending hours on the phone to them at one time. they cut it to an hour. i still kept on though. i kept saying things like no one cares. you dont care. if i kill myself then i wont be taking up your phone time. i told my counsellor it was like talking to a brick wall. no one understands. i was pretting horrible to people.

but at the time what i did not realise was i was talking about my issues to much and i was effecting other people. once i heard a samaritaian crying because i had overdosed and refused help. all was ok in the end but i can now see what i done to people and myself.

i was talking about my issues so much that it over took my life and i did not have a life at all. i was not doing the normal things. drawing the curtains, listening to music. doing cleaning. talking to people about general stuff. it was just constant talking about my issues. and talking about them so much made me worse because i was not doing the normal stuff. its now i look back and think why was i doing that.

sorry im not sure if the above makes sense i hope it does. but lots of people have been there and come through. best of luck

[elementofsurprise]

I have therapy over the phone now as unable to go in person often.
No contact between sessions.

[MaidOfStars]

Have you ever come across Cuddle Groups? I think there are lots of them about these days. They are events where you can sign up and go along to have some physical contact and affection (all completely above board, of course).

[MagpieCursedTea]

Might be a daft suggestion, don't even know if you like animals, but have you been to the cat cafes in town? There's a couple of them on the quayside now. I know it's not the same as human contact but it might be preferable to staying home alone? Just an idea!

[elementofsurprise]

ghost imnot the one saying stuff wont help - im going to them and asking and they are shutting doors in my face.
Ive carried on for months, years, found myself a private therapist, signed up to a course ec etc. Ive tried volunterring but couldnt make the regular times. Im trying my best, im not od'ing or self harming or anything. Ive treid to be kind to others always, looked out for them, lookd after them until im worn outand break down. Kind of getting mixed messaged here - i feel awful nd crap and worthless and stupid for feling rubbish, yet at the same time im supposed to feel good about myself and its ok to seek help? I dont know what to think. i dont know a way forward cos i cant even work out reality. am iwrong for feeling bad? am i ill?
things have been getting worse and worse, I have reached this point and needed to ask for help, and urgently, and i get the doors slammed in my face. Ihave trie not to bother anyoe or ask for help, but now i need it.

I have tried to have a life and want to talk to ppl about normal things etc, but i cant act normal all the time. i feel very blamed now i have tried my best and its not good enough

[elementofsurprise]

also btw 2 friends have moved away - one emigrated.
One i could talk to got a partner and disapeared from all of us. This caused a group i wasnt massively close to but was somewhere i could be with ppl to drift apart.

[elementofsurprise]

ok local mind have said they are going to see about groups in my area. Apparently there arent any but i might/should be able to join the next nearest. But it needs a from filled in by my gp, then an appt with a MIND worker, then they refer me to the group. So will be a while.