Anyone there to hand to hand hold?

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Anyone there?

Well that was a rant last night! Don't know why I do it to myself - alcohol is not my friend at the moment. Had about 3 hours sleep but every time I've tried to sleep today (I am shattered) I've had horrific, realistic nightmares where there are people in the house and I can't move so I'm scared to take any diazepam in case I get more sleepy but my anxiety is through the roof! Don't know what to do. Waiting for home team to phone me back!

Oh and to be fair, my step mum did actually phone this morning to see how I was

I read that early this morning and got interrupted by a muddy cat before I could reply! I wanted to say you sounded a bit like Nanny Ogg, from Twrry Pratchett's discworld series.
I can't drink much, certainly not a whole bottle of wine. Those dreams would put me off drink for life!

Hope that the home team have some good suggestions of dealing with your current situation (other than stating the obvious about drinking) and you can have a more settled night tonight.

Didn't hear back from the home team and held off on the meds until just before the dc got home cos I knew I'd be too busy to sleep then.
Haven't read any Pratchett but had a quick google of Nanny Ogg and I'll take it as a compliment I think
Ds3 now in bed, just 2 more to go and dh will be home in just over an hour.
My step mum actually phoned again tonight! Feel a bit guilty now, maybe I sometimes expect the worst of them or maybe sometimes I'm right but surprise me now and then. Who knows?
Feeling very wobbly about sleep tonight but at least dh will be here.
How is dd doing? Have they said how long they expect her to stay?

Had my quetiapine doubled morning and night and upped mirtazapine. Couldn't function at all on double dose of quet yesterday so just doubled at night and kept to normal dose in day today. The idea is that I try to get off the diazepam. Only took 2 mg yesterday but that's cos I was so doped. I have got an appointment with the Home Treatment Team psychiatrist on Tuesday to review all meds. Spent this afternoon doing some crafty stuff with ds3 and my mum who has alzheimers. It's been a struggle and I want to go back to bed and have a good cry but I've only got an hour or so til dh can take her home so just have to keep plodding on a bit longer x

Don't know where the kiss came from - my brain isn't firing on all cylinders!

Ooh, an unMumsnetty kiss! I'll take it .

Well done with the staying power. My mum has alzheimer's too, it takes its toll on adult children, I wish there were more (some) help and emotional support out there for us.

Can't say how long DD will be in hospital. She might be able to come home for one or two nights at weekends soon, but won't be discharged for many weeks. We took her out to a local shopping centre for a snack this weekend gone, and she had to be in a wheelchair. It actually meant we could get round a lot more shops, and she enjoyed choosing some new make up and earrings.

There's not enough hours in the day. I've been sleeping a lot lately, and feel better for it.

Just been to see psychiatrist and he was great - I was in about an hour with him. Went through everything, not just mess but past history and childhood etc and he says he can tell I like to be in control but can understand why. He also said all the little things from my past were actually big things and that I have shown a strong personality in being able to maintain a relationship, have good friends, 3 children and hold down a job. It just made me feel a bit better to hear that I'm not just being self indulgent and 'oh woe is me' I see him again in two weeks and if I am more stable by then, he will look to a psychology referral.
Glad you've been able to take dd out, sometimes just a bit of fresh air helps doesn't it. I'm soooo tired but I'd like to try and stay awake if I can until bedtime. Sleep hygeine, my CMHN calls it

*meds not mess

I'm glad you had a positive meeting with your psychiatrist. I was on Quetiapine and it worked well apart from the sleepiness, I'm on a different one now though. Have you been given a diagnosis yet? Or a plan for longer term recovery? It's good you're getting support from the home treatment team. I hope you have a good evening.

Hi Heaven, no diagnosis as such, they just say depression and anxiety. The quetiapine is a lowish dose 50mg morning and night and I'm finding the sedation a little less each day. I'm hoping the plan is to drop the daytime quetiapine first, followed by the night time one with the hope that the mirtazapine has then kicked in enough to take over. I can't really get back to work until at least the morning dose is dropped.
After that, I'm hoping that the psychologist can recommend the right type of therapy, even if we have to pay for it.

Mirtazapine is meant to be very good if you can get past the drowsiness. I found it more sedating than Quetiapine but didn't stick with it. Any chance you can do a phased return to work if you find the prospect daunting? I hope you find some good therapy.

I'm now on the highest mirtazapine does and the higher the dose, the less sedation so it's only really the quetiapine I'm battling with on that score. Yes, work have been really good and occupational health have already recommended a phased return which hr have no problem with.
I just want my life back!

*dose not does

I know full well that 'I want my life back' urgent drive to want things back the way they were. Life moves on. This is life too, right now, today, is your life. (I find moderate daily(ish) exercise, even just 5 or 10 minutes of easy yoga stretches, helps when work is not possible. You might find that isn't appropriate for you right now, but worth trying if you can.) The big things the psych was referring to are also having a massive impact. Ideally the counselling sessions should start before you return to work, as it takes a massive amount of emotional energy and can be painful and exhausting (or nothing happens because ones mind is on ones work and responsibilities) until a healthy coping pattern is established.

Took ds1 out for a bit of lunch today and called in at the supermarket on the way back - a huge step forward except...I damaged someone's car parking up! I've managed to get in contact with them and they were grateful I'd left my details but I'm so gutted that I was doing so well and now I feel like a blubbering wreck! I know it's only a car and the damage was minor but it's shaken me more than it usually would :-(

Well done Ikeatears, that's a really positive step. Try to put the car prang out of your mind as it was an accident and these things happen. Don't let it knock you back. Keep going!

It has knocked me back though, I messed my meds up this morning and took them late so I was probably not even fit to drive (although I felt OK) just knocked my confidence and made me a but teary :-(

To leave your details on the car you damaged is a great thing, you know. Yes, that kind of thing feels humiliating and one feels ashamed, but the only shame would be to walk away and not leave your details. It wasn't a person, no one was hurt. The other car owner will be mildly inconvenienced, but not nearly as much as if you had not left contact details!

I've done it myself a couple of times.

I missed my meds night before last and took it in the morning, which meant I slept all morning. It happens.