Anyone there to hand to hand hold?

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Anyone there?

Can understand that, Ikea. Feelings of being imprisoned and punished for being ill are not conducive. You have done nothing wrong. Mental illness is not something to be punished for, it just comes across that way with understaffing and lack of funds. So sorry that being admitted has been so stressful for you.

Wish there was something I could do!

Hugs.

Oh ikea :( I hope you've had a better day today.

Also hope it has got better, thinking of you

Believe it or not, I'm home! Thank god! The consultant reviewed me and in particular, my meds and agreed that some were unnecessary, some wrong dosage and being taken at the wrong times. He, like I, believes that the initial anti d (fluoxetine) set off a chain of events that probably wouldn't have escalated in the way they did if I'd had mirtazapine instead. I also now know that 15mg of mirt is not an active anti d so really I've only been taking an effective anti d for a week!
They messed up my meds yesterday which meant I went at least 6 hours with no diazepam or propranolol and I actually felt the fog lift.
He agreed that it was the wrong environment for me to recover in.
This morning I feel battered and bruised and extremely fragile but I see that chink of light finally. The home team will continue to come out and I am hoping to access some psychological therapy at some point in the near future.
For now, I am hoping the nightmare is coming to an end and recovery is beginning. I know there'll be bad days and I'm taking it slowly but I'm just so glad that I was able to come home

Ikea, so sorry that was such a bad experience for you - but very pleased that you sound like you ate are in a more hopeful and better place. What you say about the initial dose of anti-d setting off bad series of reactions sounds familiar, same happened to me and mirtazapine was substituted and yes I needed to up it to 30mg. Definitely push for access to therapy. I found therapy really valuable and it gave me the understanding and techniques I needed to tackle the inevitable bad days. Keep strong and sending hugs

I found that nirth control pills set off a chain of events like that, and didn't mix well with Fluoxetine. Fluoxitine on its own suits me. (Different drugs work for different people.) I'm glad that your negative experiences have at least lead to a better match of meds for you, and you're seeing a chink of light again. Hope you are getting some rest.

Interesting that you should talk about birth control pills - I'm not on them but I have a strong feeling that my depression is in part linked to hormones. Today is tough, I feel flat and sad but I can still see a time when it will get better

Hi Ikea, good to hear from you. I have been wondering how you are. I had post natal depression and i also strongly suspect now that it was hormonal. Though this was never mentioned as a possibilty at the time by my Dr. If you're feeling up to reading take a look at this website. This Dr has written some very interesting articles about the link www.studd.co.uk/depression.php

Thanks. I'll have read. These last couple of days have been tough - I'm being plagued by nightmares at night and I feel so teary and pathetic during the day. I'm trying to take steps to do things, little by little but everything seems so scary and huge. Going to my neighbour for a coffee in a minute and it seems like such an ordeal. Also, my new next door neighbours asked why the police were here the other night and he told them and now I feel like they think I'm a lunatic. My sister had a go at me the other night for shutting her out, which, when I look back over messages we sent to each other, I didn't but it just feels like everything is against me. I'm so tempted to cancel the coffee and retreat to my bed and cry but I can't. I need to start to help myself.

Ikea a very wise consultant psychiatrist once said to me some years ago "don't do anything that's an ordeal" - although I think now it's more usual for us to be told to push ourselves to "do things" and no one realises how hard it is to get out of bed some days and have a shower. Unless you have first hand experience it's impossible to imagine how bad it is - I sometimes wish some people could have depression for just a day (or even half a day) so they would understand how bad it feels. Don't worry about the neighbours - it doesn't really matter what they think about you.

I wonder if the meds are causing the nightmares - have you got a CPN, sorry I can't remember.

Ikea a very wise consultant psychiatrist once said to me some years ago "don't do anything that's an ordeal" - although I think now it's more usual for us to be told to push ourselves to "do things" and no one realises how hard it is to get out of bed some days and have a shower. Unless you have first hand experience it's impossible to imagine how bad it is - I sometimes wish some people could have depression for just a day (or even half a day) so they would understand how bad it feels. Don't worry about the neighbours - it doesn't really matter what they think about you.

I wonder if the meds are causing the nightmares - have you got a CPN, sorry I can't remember.

Sorry for the duplicate post!

Glad you're home ikea. Hope things start to lift soon. As Nana said, don't worry about what the neighbours think. If they care they will help and if they don't they are not worth knowing.

I have the 'hospital at home' team who come out, back to every other day from twice a day. I mainly just see two of them and I like them. I did get to my neighbour's and it was good to have a change of scene. She had a major health scare (not MH related) herself last year so she understood a little about the sympathetic glances etc.
My nurse came this afternoon and we had a good chat. I still feel very low today but glad I accomplished the things I set out to do. She also had a word with dh about backing off a little - I know he's concerned but he's smothering me a little bit and she told him it's ok to ease up

Ah well, back in the wide awake club! So frustrating. Feels like I'm going backwards in terms of anxiety, mood and sleep! So you think it could be because I'm weaning off the diazepam? Ahhhhhhh

Morning lovely Ikea. Good to see you.
Sorry to hear the anxiety is up. Such a horrible balancing game, between anxiety and depression.

All the best for today.

(Am sitting under 2 blankets nursing a cold and a cuppa. Have just weighed myself. Not good.)

Morning Ikea, good to hear that you managed to do so much yesterday. You should feel proud of yourself. Sorry you're awake early today, sleep is such a delicate balance when you have anxiety - I still struggle to sleep quite often.

I did watch a beautiful sunrise just now - so feeling it will be a nice day here. Hopefully it will with you too.

Peace - sorry about the cold

Really fallen out with dh. He specifically went against my wishes and told my stepmum and dad about Saturday night when I went missing. She is the most indiscreet person in the world and they aren't helpful. He had 6 other people he could have turned to that night who I've trusted all along and he knew this and he chose them. Now it will be all around the family and people who I would NEVER have wanted to know will know all about it. I feel so let down by him

That's hard, I know, my DH has done similar. Don't let it ruin your relationship, but do calmly let him know the devastating effect it can have to involve people like that. Both your sense of security, and your trust in him have taken a knock and he can help restore that with listening and understanding you, and not doing something like that again.

He is under a lot of stress himself though, and he didn't have you with him to help know what to do, maybe his instinct wad to turn to those who might know you best, for your own safety and well being, in an emergency. Testing times all round!

Peace I do understand what you're saying but I was VERY clear from the beginning whom was willing to be completely honest with. The three couples who we chose are completely supportive and trustworthy and supported him wholeheartedly. I ONLY let them in as a support to him and that was a big thing for me.
We've been together a long time and my parents are certainly not the people who know me the best - he should know this. I feel like he has disbelieved everything I've said about them in the past. He HAD support if he wanted it.
They haven't even discussed it with me, the only reason I know is because of a throwaway comment my step mum made about "you're not thinking about suicide any more are you?"
They haven't asked about it - they've brushed it under the carpet as they always do - but not before telling whoever they fancy as it shows what a terrible time THEY'VE had! I can't even put into words how upset I am.

*who I not whom

I do understand. I'm not expecting you to forgive him for it, not yet. Do talk to him calmly. What you aare saying is totally rational and you have every reason to be angry with him. It get sorted out so quickly or easily, I know, and it's hard enough to have to dealwith the difficulties in parental relalions at such times without this kind of betrayal. It hurts, and..actually that is not a bad sign. Feeling emotions, even bad ones, even emotional pain, is a sign of recovering from depression, and coming out of the numbness.
I've had to come to terms with DH never understanding my stance on this kind of thing, but we don't have 3 other couples he could turn to as easily... But he is starting to get better at turning to others (friends and siblings) if only because my parents have passed on and his are disabled.

We've rowed, we've cried, we've made up. He is amazing and has been a fantastic support, he messed up and he knows it but then, I've messed up more times than I care to mention. I won't let my parents, who I believe have already done enough damage in my life, come between me and dh

Good for you Ikea - we all mess up at times - it's called being human! Hope your meds start to kick in to give you better sleep at least.

Thanks everyone. Peace you actually talked me down yesterday and prompted me to make up with dh so thank you. Hope your cold is better.
What struck a nerve also was what you said about feeling emotion again. I'm not as numb as I was last week. I wouldn't have had the fight in me to even be able to express how I felt about what he'd done.
Goals for today:
Help make dinner for my mum and her friend