Anyone there to hand to hand hold?

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Anyone there?

Been a rough day but I'm still here and maybe seeing the tiniest chunk of light

*chink

Light at the end of the tunnel, hopefully it will soon be that tunnel in the distance, behind you.

Messed up today. Couldn't get out of bed for the majority of the day :-(

That's ok, we all need to rest now and again. :-)

If you need to stay in bed do it ! Don't beat yourself up about it

I don't have a lot of advice but just remember things will get better ! It's so hard when you are so low to ever imagine what it will be like to feel happy again but you will ! In the meantime if you feel like staying in bed all day then do it . Do whatever makes the day that tiny bit easier

I didn't do much today. Just the bare minimum. Didn't sleep well at all, etc. I feel good that I didn't push myself (or my family) too much.

Well, I've been wide awake for the last hour and finally have in and got up. Another long day to face. Hospital at home support worker is due this morning - I really like her so I'll talk to her about my medication and check it's right. My life doesn't feel real at the moment. I feel like I want to end it but I know I don't have the guts to do it

Sounds good that the home support worker is there today, glad of that.

I saw this the otber day, and it helped me.

Thanks, I am trying those things it's just sooo hard. I am such a mess. It's actually my birthday today and I've had some lovely cards and messages and they shoulda lemme feel better but they make me feel worse. I cried on a lovely friend this morning who called in with a very thoughtful and unexpected gift and she had had no idea what was going on so dh had to explain. This then meant I had to text another friend to explain as we kind of come as a three and I wanted her to hear from me and didn't want to put my first friend in a position of having to keep secrets. Everyone is being so lovely and I feel so selfish and ungrateful :-(

Oh Ikea I'm sooooo sorry you are feeling so crap and I know that feeling only too well. I'm not surprised the lovely cards on your birthday upset you because when we are in the depths of depression we remember who we used to be and it just makes us feel so much worse, like we'll never be that person again............but we will - it's just the depression makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true. It isn't satisfied with making us want to end our lives, it has to add in a few other crap things too for good measure.

I understand that you feel selfish and ungrateful because that's what depression makes us feel - guilty and ashamed for feeling like we do. People will tell us it's not our fault, but we still feel there's something we should do to stop the awfulness. We don't feel like this with physical illness, it's just another symptom of the demon that is depression.

I know you have a supportive DH which is good - can't remember if you have children. Get all the help you can and let's hope the meds start to kick in soon.

Happy birthday!

I had a birthday recently and although everyone was really sweet and kind, I also felt horrible and unworthy. I also misunderstood and saw the negative in many actions, and it was a long and difficult day. I did do a bit of yoga as a gift to myself, and I found a way to donate something/give something away, which has become a nice way to pass birthdays.

Thanks all. The day did get a bit better and I managed a 10 minute walk out with my friend. I have 3 children and a lovely dsd who put the most beautiful verse on Facebook for me - which obviously made me sob! I was very very low this morning then picked up but can feel the blackness descending a bit again now. I've promised my support worker I won't go to bed until 10 tonight to try to regulate my sleep a bit so only a couple of hours to go until I can drug myself and get a little relief

On the days with the black dog for company, I find too that it is a matter of seeking out as many opportunities to be grateful in small pleasures, even normal things like finding my glasses or a cup of water, remembering to take my meds and be warm and dry inside. Dwelling on the good and ordinary things (very British) and finding an up side in every small thing, or a funny way to look at calamity, becomes a way to pass time.

It's too hard. I'm finding myself googling the best dosages of medication to make sure suicide works. Support worker coming back this afternoon. Feel like I've lost all hope

I've done that too, yes. Was disappointed to find the stuff I have plenty of wouldnt have much affect, and at worse would give me painful innards for life!
Move of from that too. Don't go there again (please). Not something to dwell on, but good that you can write it/admit it to yourself, and get help from the care team.

Experiencing depression is tortuous. Do you have anything good recorded you could watch on TV, or up to playing on an app to pass some time?
(Have you eaten today? Got up?)

And big hugs!

Oh me too back in the depths today after a few good days. I'm getting worse month on month and this year has been horrendous. Thank god for my DP as all my friends have sort of withered away (I suppose trying to support someone for 6 years on and off takes its toll) I have 2 adult sons who I love dearly but they seem embarrassed by my depression and don't bother to ask how I am or keep in contact, which hurts, a lot. My DP says they do care, they just don't know how to react. Wish I had a daughter.

Ikea - please listen to Peace - o/d with meds has a very low "success" rate for suicide and will just leave you with physical problems. You don't want to die, you want your suffering to end and I totally get that. I feel very much the same but I'm 71 so feel that it's not so bad to end my life. There is no easy way though unless you go down the Dignitas route (they have widened their criteria - you no longer have to be terminally ill) and they mention psychiatric illness but it's complicated, takes about 4 months and costs around £70000. Euthanasia is legal in Holland, but you have to have Dutch citizenship or be living in the Netherlands for at least 4 months.

I just wish it were the same in this country. We might never do it, but just to know if was there, would help so many people I think.

Peace you sound like you can be positive even on a bad day. How do you manage that? Depression is indeed tortuous.

I mean £7000 not £70,000!!

Dh and my friend are angry with me. Or at least frustrated. I wish I could explain it to them but they say the same things over and over - it will get better, bear with it, keep trying etc and it just doesn't help because I don't believe it will get better.

My CPN told me that this belief we have that it will never get better is another symptom of depression - it's a complete bastard of an illness. It's so difficult to explain how bad it feels I know and there's no way others can understand how bad it is.......what other illness makes us want to end our life. Maybe there are some, but I've known people with all manner of physical illness and they never mention suicide. The pain of depression is sheer hell. I don't think your DH and friend are angry with you Ikea - sorry I can't recall your back story - I think you have episodes of severe depression - is that right?

What meds are you on?

I'm on Sertraline, Mirtazapine and just started lithium but still get continuing fluctuations and some days are unbearable. I was offered ECT and signed all the consents but backed out at the 11th hour. Could that be an option for you. It has a very high success rate apparently though there can be some memory loss which they say is almost always temporary, but I was scared I could be the one where it was permanent.

Hi nana, I'm on diazapam, propranolol, quetiapine and mirtazipine. I was going to try to drop the diazapam today but here I am again, wide awake from 4.30 and I know I won't be able to do it
:-(
I've had a couple of periods of depression before but nothing on this scale. The other night I took my mirt and quetiapine which both make me quite doped and left the house. I just walked. Dh was terrified and was out looking for me with my friends. He almost phoned the police. At the time if felt such a normal thing to do but it wasn't, it was dangerous. I just want to run away from myself.
I missed my support worker yesterday, I must have been outside having a smoke when she came. The CPN is coming today.
I felt great last night for a couple of hours but I just feel empty again this morning. I feel like I'm being tortured. I feel like I'm torturing everyone around me. I don't know how much longer I can handle this :-(

Ikea, reading your posts is so painfully familiar I just had to register again on MN to reply. I completely understand the torture you describe and was in a very similar situation myself 4 years ago with severe anxiety and depression. The feeling of needing to escape from myself and not wanting to be "in myself" a moment longer is exactly what I felt. Totally agitated and couldn't keep still. The crushing desperation of waking at 2/3/4 am and knowing that's it and having to get through the day - I really understand.

I was also on similar meds - mirtazapine, escitalopram, queitapine diazepam (and various sleeping tablets at the worst times).

It was absolutely the worst thing I have ever gone through - torture that no one can imagine - but somehow I did get through it and I'm honestly completely well again now. In fact stronger than ever. I too believed I was so broken and would never get better. I also felt dreadful guilt for what I was subjecting my family too - I think part of the depressive thoughts.

Please try to hold onto the thought that you will get better, the meds will eventually work and with time it will pass. It helped me if I broke time down into 5 minute sections and just focused on what to do those next few mins, not the bigger picture. I also wrote down my thoughts and tried to see them as thoughts (of a very sick mind) NOT facts. In fact 'thoughts not facts' was my mantra. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Thank you. Please tell me, how long until the meds worked because I just can't imagine an end to any of this