Anyone there to hand to hand hold?

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Anyone there?

Glad to see you're getting some support
FYI I work nights and I'm working tonight, pm me if you need a chat, it'll be appreciated this end too! My nights are dull!

Thank you Ruby I may just do that. The nights are so long and I don't want to wake dh as he has to work and I'm worried I'm making him ill

Take the diazepam for sure. Quetiapine is best taken at set times in the day, chat to the crisis team about when they think you should fit yours into your schedule. I take some morning and night.

The diazepam works really quickly for me so hope you are feeling better soon.

I have two good friends coming soon. I just need to stay together until then. Shit shit shit. What is happening to me????

You're doing great. Just keep going, and once your friends arrive you'll have their company and support and distraction until you speak to the MH team.

I'm not doing great. I'm falling apart and I can't stop it. In the middle of the night all I could think of was the cupboard full of meds and I thought if I take them now and come back to bed, when dh wakes up he'll leave me to sleep then he'll go to work and lock the door and no- one will find me in time and my friend won't be able to get in so she can ring the police and then none of my family and friends will be the ones to find me. This is how specific the thoughts are. I can't stand it

Yep. Been there. You didn't do it. You survived the night. Hurrah. Think no more of that (hard I know) that night is over and gone.

At times like these, in my head I have to imagine my synopses as if they are roads, with bridges and buttresses. I focus on being on a really big road which comes abruptly to an end at a cliff, there is a chasm ahead and the rest of the road continues undamaged on the other side. In my imagination, I am the chief engineer and I have to build a new bridge. Looks impossible at that point. Whenever I think of the negative thoughts, I return to the bridge scene in my mind and imagine it being built successfully, until it is complete. Then I go back and build more ways through, under and over the chasm, and imagine postive thoughts, people, future events to look forward to.

Thank you so much for replying. I'll try the bridge scenario. I just want to scream at someone to help me.

Oh IKea so sorry you are feeling so crap. I know the feeling SO well and it's absolute torment - defies description doesn't it. I often wish mental illness was the sort of illness that was fatal (like cancer) but of course it isn't is it - it's not that we want to die, we just want the pain to stop. I have sometimes called out "oh god somebody help me ..........please" though usually my long suffering DP is around. I know you have a good DH too - how old are your children?

Can I just say that over dosing is a very "unsuccessful" way of ending it all - it ranks very low in terms of "completing" suicide and usually just leaves you with more physical problems to make matters worse.

I don't know what else to say just now but glad you have friends coming around soon. Do you have good and bad days. I do but mostly bad days - a rare good one today. I've been offered ECT but am scared of memory loss - it's tempting as it has a really high success rate 70-80% - is that something you might consider?

The bridge scenario is something I came up with after doing an NHS course that was based on CBT. The nub of CBT is to capture a negative thought and replace wirh positive one. Also, to learn how to figute out the misleading negative lies which starts the thoughts, and replace with realistic, positive ones. I catastrophise and overthink and it really helps me.
(For a lot of people with a kind of empty, numb depression, this isn't always helpful. There is so much more to treating and recovering from depression that this, in case anyone reading is feeling it won't help.)

My two wonderful best friends stayed with me all day yesterday. They hugged me, calmed me, fed me, cleaned and tidied, listened to me, made me laugh, made me cry, sat with me and just loved me. I am so so lucky. They are amazing. Last night I could make it from the sofa to bed and my amazing dh slept on the other sofa all night so that I wouldn't wake up alone. I just can't believe the amount of support I have been given and yet I still feel so hopeless and so scared and I just want to disappear

Wonderful!

Someone posted this to a facebook group I'm in, and I thought of you...

It's a bit impersonal, and not intended to make you feel bad, or worse, just hopefully a motivator to do one thing on the list that you have most need for.

Hugs!

Thank you! I've saved it to my phone. I will try to do at least one thing. Today I woke up with the awful anxiety and I've taken a diazepam. Now I just feel flat and sad and hopeless. The anxiety is there, ever present, reminding me of my terror but it's siering rather than bubbling over. I may just sleep for a while. Thank you

Simmering

Love that picture peace - something I can use. Ikea hope you are doing OK. I am 'happy' as I survived last night when the urges became almost too much. Thankfully a security guard pissed me off so I decided to annoy him rather than the alternative option!
I have had lorazepam which is similar to diazepam and it does knock you out a bit - sleep sounds like a good idea

Glad you are ok now, Wry, and I am finding that poster helpful too.

Morning all. I've been awake since 4 but managed to stay in bed until 6 and wait until 6.30 for my first meds. Things are tough at the moment. It seems to go in circles - panic and anxiety and agitation which peak then I feel so flat and completely hopeless then I sometimes have a short period of 'normality' then the panic rises again. Does anyone recognise this?
Today will hard. Dh is going to phone my parents (dad and s.mum) and tell them what's being on. I've never told them before but I can't lie anymore. We have a complicated relationship and I have no idea how they'll react. I'm just too tired to make excuses

I recognise that but for me with the right meds and the right councillor ( it took four attempts at counselling to find one that worked for me). The feeling of normality got longer and the despair got less and less. Keep fighting even if you you try at first doesn't work. I'm pretty much 3 years on from the start of my PND and still struggle occasionally. But it is only occasionally so know that you can get better as long as you keep trying to get help. I know it's hard!
One of my turning point was telling family so I didn't have to try and hide it as much! I still tried to "fake it" but if I felt it was falling apart I could go without explaining and DH would just explain I was struggling and everything would be ok next time I saw everyone.
Hope thing get easier for you soon

Thank you. Yes I've been begun the hard task of being honest with family and friends. I felt I had to for dh's sake. He couldn't carry this on his own. I'm so frightened he'll get ill so I'm trying to help him by letting people in. It's so hard though

Told my parents. Amazingly the world hasn't ended. Another hurdle over. Just need to get through tonight and tomorrow now and hopefully that's a step closer to living again

Ah, glad that you have told them, and hope that they can find ways to be supportive/helpful. Hope you sleep a bit better tonight, and tomorrow are nearer a more normal level of positive thinking for yourself.
You're starting to sound a bit more positive already.

The 'hospital at home' team have been amazing. I met a lady today who I really warmed to and she's going to try to be my main contact. She went through the meds and worked out the best times to take them. She's coming back tomorrow and even offered to see my GP with me if I want her to. She said they're going to look after me and keep me safe. I can phone any time day or night. I can't praise them enough. I still can't see an end to all this but maybe a way forward

How you feeling this morning?