Anyone there to hand to hand hold?

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Anyone there?

Once they got the dosages right (and it needed time to build up) it was just a few weeks until there were chinks of light in between the worst spells and less desparation. But really hard to see them when you're in it and I wouldn't have recognised them as lighter at the time. Only looking back I realise that the less-bleak moments do gradually become longer and more frequent. It will take time so helps to focus on minutes at a time.

Being admitted. Just have to wait for a bed. Feels like this is happening to someone else

Ikea, so sorry this is happening. I too was admitted and stayed several weeks. It was actually good to be safe at last and to be able to talk to caring staff at any time of the day or night. It won't be as frightening as it seems - they will be able to get your treatment just right. Keep talking if you can - and take care

There are no beds just yet but we will have a choice of 5 boroughs so chances are reasonably high that one will come up soon. Home team are coming out twice a day until then. The whole thing just seems surreal

I remember that surreal feeling. Just give in and let yourself be looked after, it will be OK. Honestly being admitted really helped me. Are your children old enough to know what's happening? I also have 3 and mine were very young (all under 4) so I hope didn't really know - but clearly it is a really hard time for family whatever their age.

They are 4,9 and 13. We've managed to hide the worst of it and my parents have offered to have them all weekend so they'll be spoiled

That's good, don't worry about them at that age they won't really understand. My parents also helped with my children a lot and my husband was amazing. I often think I wouldn't have coped as well (or at all!) if it were him instead of me. Don't let yourself feel guilty, I really did feel I'd let everyone down - which was nonsense - I was really ill and needed care. Be kind to yourself. Hope you get some rest tonight x

Thanks, I've been awake on and off since 3 but I managed to stay in bed until now. I'm so frightened. I just want it all to be over. I don't think I want to die but I want the torment to end. I've made a for me and dh as he'll be up to do some work in a minute. He's going to work at home for at least the next week. He cried his heart out yesterday which broke my heart even more. He pulled himself together quickly but it kills me to see what I'm doing to him :-(

Hi Ikea, so sorry that things are this bad for you right now.

It honestly does get better, but with any illness it can take time for treatment to take effect, and for the body to respond.

Sorry if I was saying the wrong things. Glad that lovely Life has kept you company here... I've been quietly lurking, willing you on, and not wanting to say something stupid!
Still here, still listening/reading, wishing you well and glad that you might get an inpatient place soon (though obviously not glad of the reasons). Hugs.

Peace, you haven't said anything wrong at all. I'm so grateful to all of you on here who have kept me company when I've felt like I couldn't talk in real life. Support worker just been but she was rubbish (not met her before) just very ineffectual. They sent think a bed will come up today so it's just another day of waiting

*seem to think

Hang in there - I've been admitted too and it is not as bad as you fear. The worst is the waiting ... Hope they find something for you soon and you get things sorted.
Know what you mean about ineffectual support worker but at least the at home team are good and still coming to see you.
Your 13 yr old might want to know a bit more when you are well enough. Mine are 12 and 14 and them knowing pretty much everything really helps. They are so matter of fact about it all and we even share a joke about it sometimes.

I've asked if he has any questions and I've just told him it isn't anything he needs to worry about and that they are just trying to find the right medication which is trial and error. Most of the team have been fab but she was rubbish and starting talking about being 'allowed' out of the ward with staff and the possibility if ECT! I haven't even been admitted yet! It was all a bit much :-(

Good grief. Ask her if she took a wrong turning and thought she was at a BBC comedy audition.
Or whether the 'How To Scare The Patient Back To Health' lecture is still on the training course, or has it been updated since she did hers?!

Peace, I've just read your post aloud to dh and my friend and you've given us our first laugh in days so thank you for that! Dh is going to speak to her manager at some point, it felt like is been kicked in the stomach when she was saying those things.

I'm not at all surprised Ikea and hope they get you a bed as near home as possible. It's shocking how under resourced MH services are. I've been an in-patient twice (both times for 3 months) though with 15 years in between. I was fortunate enough to be near to home, and found not having to think about anything at all quite a relief. The main problem I found was boredom (as for some reason they liked us to get up and get going quite early) and then it was just sitting around for hours on end. We did have relaxation class which was nice and the second time there was a really good Occupation Therapist who did activities in the morning which helped pass the time. The food was grim and to be honest the staff didn't seem very interested in the patients, apart from ensuring we got our meds etc.

Don't be too hard on the support worker - she was probably trying to help and ECT is a very common treatment these days for severe drug resistant depression. It has a very high success rate (around 80%) but there can be side effects of temporary memory loss. I have recently been offered it but backed out at the 11th hour but haven't totally closed the door on it. It is a last resort though, and they may change your meds once your in hospital. You will be able to stay in touch with us, so be sure to let us know how you are doing.

Ikea, sorry for the big gap in reply time today - not intentional.
I've also just snorted with laughter at Peace's post! Love it!
Yes I unfortunately remember a few less-than-helpful support workers as well.

I also agree with Nana's description of her time in hospital. It was to some extent boring but not having to think about anything or put on a brave face to the children was a relief once there. Of course some staff were not interested but there were one or two I connected with and who were terribly kind. Just sitting with me, or walking round with me in the midst of panic attacks or in the early hours. Kind of took the pressure off my DH too.

I found it terrifying to think that I was ill enough to be admitted, and of course with acute anxiety everything is terrifying so making a huge decision (i.e to go into hospital) at a time like that was really hard. But then I was so lost and scared and desparate being at home it was the right thing to do.

I also found the relaxation classes helpful - but mostly being with other people experiencing the same or similar things helped the most. It was only then I understood what was happening was really bad yes, but also kind of 'normal'.

Do keep posting if you feel like it. I'll keep checking in and I'm sure the lovely people on this thread will do too.
Take care x

Thank you. It's usual and reassuring to hear other people's experiences as in patients. We're hoping it will just be for a few days to maybe get the medication right. It just seems like such a huge thing

I think the problem is that there is still sadly a stigma around mental illness even though MIND and RE-THINK and other organisations have tried hard to get rid of the stigma, it still persists. It's incredible when you think that 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives and at lest one third of GP consultations are MH related.

It's really only like going into hospital when you're very poorly with a physical illness but I know it's not the same, because of the stigma and people talking about the "nuthouse" etc. Both times I went in I was too depressed to bother where I was to be honest and friends asked me later if I was scared of going in, but I was SO utterly scared of how I was feeling that anything else barely registered.

Hope they find you a bed over the weekend.

Thanks nana, I'm scared of everything at the moment. I'm scared of being on my own, scared of visitors, I'm scared of facing another day like yesterday, I'm scared I'll never get better, I'm scared of hospital but most of all I'm scaring myself. I don't want to be here but I haven't got the guts to so anything about it :-(

Hi Ikea, the constant scared feeling will be the anxiety. Do you feel much worse in the morning? Mornings were by far the worst for me which I think is a typical pattern. If so maybe hang on to the fact it will became slightly more bearable through the day if you get through the first few hours.

I had a feeling of sick dread - as if you were on a plane and had just been told you were going to crash. It felt really physical for me too - so felt sick, couldn't eat, had the runs, often got the shakes. Felt full of adrenaline - which I was.

Silly question when you feel this bad - but what are you doing today? Are your children away now? Could you go on a walk with dh and try and focus on the surroundings or the weather just for minutes at a time. Walking helped me to shift my mood a bit especially if I had someone understanding to walk with me.

That's exactly how I feel. The meds seem to have stopped the shaking a bit but I'm just sleeping the days away. I woke up just now. Having a cigarette and I'm going back to sleep. I can't bear being awake

Hi Ikea, how is today going? I suppose it's a blessing you can sleep to block it all out (i couldn't sleep at all, dreadful insommnia) but maybe try and get some daylight/air too while it's light. Have you heard re admissions today? Take care.

Still no bed. Had both visits for the day. Haven't done anything but sleep. Been persuaded to take. Bath in a while - these next couple of hours are usually my best so will try to take advantage of that

Had a shed load of vodka. I know it's not good but I'm so pissed off with the monotony of everything. As least being pissed is a change. May give me the guts too