Anyone there to hand to hand hold?

[Ikeatears]

I'm struggling. Anyone there?

I left the house last night after my night meds and found a place outside to lie down. I was hoping I would drift off to sleep and it would be cold enough that I wouldn't wake up. After a couple of hours sleep still wouldn't come. I failed so I started to walk back and the police we're put looking. Went to a and e who have sent me home to wait for home treatment team with hope of a bed today. I don't know why I thought last night was a good idea. I do know now that I need help and need to go into hospital :-(

*were out looking
(They picked me up by the way)

Hi ikea, just skim read your post. If you want to chat while you are waiting for the home treatment team I am around this morning. Are you on your own today or is there someone home with you?

Thanks. Dh is here. He won't leave my side as he's blaming himself for me leaving last night. As I pointed out, I'm an adult and I wouldn't imagine any sane person would be thinking that I may do what I did. I've put him through hell these last weeks :-(

It's not your fault though, or his for that matter. You are unwell at the moment and that's no ones fault. How are you feeling physically after last night?

Physically I'm fine. Emotionally, I feel numb. I've cried for days on end but that almost seems to be gone. I'm just...nothing...

It sounds exhausting for you. Do you have any plans today, even something small like watching something in particular on tv?

Can't bear any noise at the moment. Apparently they discharge over the weekend here so I'm hoping (kind of) that a bed becomes available. I can't keep torturing myself and everyone around me

That sounds hopeful then, fingers crossed something becomes available. are you managing to eat anything? That's the thing I struggle with most when my anxiety levels are high.

I'm just going to make some eggs on toast, then I plan on sitting around a while longer watching trashy Sunday morning breakfast tv in my pjs. I'm supposed to be practising living in the moment. Finding it quite difficult so I'm trying to be clear in my head what I'm doing 'now and next'. Not sure if something similar would be helpful for you getting through today, breaking it up into little chunks. Feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm talking drivel!!

Any reply helps. I feel in limbo. Waiting for the team. Just want all this to be over.

Hang on in there it is going to get better. Is there anything you can stand to do today so you are not just waiting? Cook, clean, walk, even if it seems pointless. The waiting just seems so cruel right now. I see that it's unavoidable but it seems it's only serving to make things harder for you and adding to the anxiety. The waiting will be over soon but in the meantime is there anything else you can do to pass the time?

I'm here and can listen. A lot of what you're saying resonates with how I have felt. The limbo will stop but I know it doesn't feel like that. You aren't alone though.

Got a bed. Going asap. So scared and sad but can't cry anymore

That is brilliant news. Of course you are scared. Let them take care of you now and we will still be here when you need to talk.

Glad that you have got a bed at last. Hope you and your DH and DCs all get some sleep tonight.

Oh Ikea, sorry I wasn't around after your post last night and this am. So glad you have got a bed. As earthy says just submit and let them look after you now. The worst will be over now and your family will know you are in a safe place so taking pressure off. Thinking of you.

I'm here and it's grim but I just have to go with it. Can't believe it's come to this :-(

I'm sorry it's grim. Try to rest if you can though. You say you can't believe its come to this but if it was a worsening physical ailment such as a chest infection you would expect it might require hospital treatment. You are unwell and you need specialist treatment for a little while that is all. Let the professionals take care of you and try and relax a little knowing that you are in the right place.

Glad you're in a safe place Ikea though it's not going to feel like that just now. It's incredible how quickly you get used to the routine of the ward. Hope it's reasonably near to home so DH and friends can visit.

Oh Ikea, sorry too that it is grim but completely agree with earthy. You should feel no shame and it's not an admission of weakness to be given in-patient care. You're just very very unwell. As earthy says it shouldn't be comsidered any different to getting emergency care for an acute physical illness such as pneumonia or cancer. Both life are threatening - as is severe anxiety and depression. I wish wish wish that when the same happened to me I had realised and accepted that I WAS deserving of care and it WASN'T my fault I was so ill. Please be kind to yourself and don't feel ashamed. You deserve to get better and you will. Sending healing thoughts your way.

It's awful. Theyissed my meds yesterday, there was a elderly woman left to sleep in the corridor, a woman threatening to slash someone's throat, it's cold, I'm supposed to be voluntary but I'm locked up like everyone else. It doesn't feel like a safe place or a place to get better. I feel like I'm in the biggest nightmare and I can't wake up. I know I made bad choices but I WILL NOT get better here.

Agh, this is what happens when we don't fund MH properly. Stripped down to bare bones already, before more cuts. Now even the basics are becoming impossible to provide.

Sorry, I know it doesn't help you where you are right now. Do you have some personal items from home you can have in your room? A soft toy, blanket, some photos, your own mug, home comforts?

Locking your door is probably to ensure your safety on an understaffed ward, but missing your meds sounds lax and poorly managed, and that should be investigated. It will probably be put down to timing and assuming that you would have taken your meds before you got there (and prevent a double dose) or possibly to do with having consumed alcohol, depending on whether they were aware of it, but I would have hoped for more personal and individual attention.

Hi Ikea, weekends can always be tricky, staff numbers not the same as on weekdays and there is no structure I found. It should be better today. Have you got an appointment with the medical team today to assess you or a class/group to go to? Can you get dh to bring you warm things to wear or extra pillow/blanket to make you comfortable?

10.30 appointment with doctors. I CANNOT stay here