I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

from my limited knowledge they will come on the day you've been told but it can take them a while to get to you.

I'm not sure when the crisis team will get to you. Have you looked at the women's aid website yet OP?

I looked at the womens' aid website but I'm not sure it really covers my situation.

I'm a bit calmer now. I've realised that the crisis team aren't coming. I've realised that I don't have to change my plans completely.

Has your DH been ok? Are you ok?

He's been ok. He forced me to talk a bit and we realised that basically I'm just being silly.

That's not what your GP thinks.

I would ring the GP in the morning to follow up, or ask your surgery for the phone number of the Community Home Treatment Team, although I think it likely crisis will see you tomorrow.

Stay safe. sending warm wishes.

Silly to want to act on your thoughts? Or silly to feel the way you do? I think from things you've said you are overwhelmed and need support still in some form.
His hobby seems to take up a lot of time which leaves you doing everything, I'm guessing. Plus your mom seems to have concerns.

I'm worried about you.

I'm home by myself tomorrow, so I'll be fine

Hello Criminy - I have felt like you do now but have a supportive OH. It felt almost impossible for me to keep going so I am in awe of your strength right now. You are not being silly. You are showing us all how brave and intelligent and emotionally aware you are. You have it in you to pull through. The Crisis Team also came to see me. It was scary before it happened but it was OK. They really care about you. When you see then please try to tell them everything you have told us. They won't judge you, they have heard it lots of times before. I was scared they would take my children from me as I kept having intrusive thoughts about harming them. They didn't. They could see those thoughts for what they were - part of an illness. Keep holding on. You have lots of friends here xxxxx

He's just gone to bed now.

Just had a couple of hellish hours of sitting on the sofa with him staring at me, telling me to talk. I kept asking what did he want to know, but he didn't say, just kept telling me to talk.

I'm stupid to have thought that he didn't want to be here, I know that he's been very busy with his hobby but it's been a busy time and he's not had a choice, so I'm being stupid.

Apparently he does want to be here. But he doesn't interact with the kids or do anything around the house (in fact at weekends if he is here he literally just sits on the sofa on his phone/tablet all day ignoring the kids). That's my fault because I make him feel unwelcome. I exude an atmosphere.

He loves me & wants to be with me, so I need to decide if I want him to be part of my life. Only I'm not sure that's fair, because my argument is if he is going to start interacting with me & the kids and start behaving as if he's part of this family then yes, I do want him here. But if he's not, then I dont. So not sure why I have to be the person to make a decision.

He didn't ask much about depression, suicidal thoughts etc though. He asked why the GP had called the crisis team, I said because I couldn't stop having thoughts, he said what thoughts, after a lot of hassling I said I can't stop thinking about killing myself. He said does that mean that tomorrow evening does he have to stop off at home first to check if I'm here and alive before he picks the kids up from nursery.

Hi criminy

I've just read through your thread. Huge hugs to you sweetie.

I'm stil awake if you still need to talk x

Morning Criminy. Please ring the GP today again and ask about the crisis team.

Your H is being abusive. I'm sorry but he is. I'm seeing more now why you feel so low. He does have a choice. His hobby is not compulsory. If he loved you he would be part of the family and doing things. He's turning this on you because you are passive and will feel more guilty and then leave him alone to do what he wants again. He will get his quiet life and you'll bear the weight of all the family and home again.

Please look after yourself. You're ill and he's part of the reason why lovely.

Morning criminy, how are you feeling?

If you haven't heard from the crisis team, please phone your GP again this morning

Sending love x

I'm by myself today. DH is at work & the kids are at nursery.

I just can't stop obsessing about doing it. Yesterday's fiasco made me re-evaluate my plans & now I can't decide what the best way to do it is.

Don't really want to bother the GP again, it's more proof that I just cannot be helped.

You aren't bothering the GP. Please ring. You can be helped. They just haven't found the right combination yet but that's what the crisis team will help with.

I wouldn't even know what to say if I did ring them. I hate phones, my last psych said it was part of my Aspergers.

Thankyou very much for all your support.

Criminy - please do ring this morning if you haven't heard anything. I would not be surprised if your GP checks up on you..

Off work again today so will keep tabs on you.

I understand. I hate the phone. I have to plan it out first.

Just say please could you ask the GP to call me about my visit yesterday. It's an urgent issue please.

If they say anything else just repeat that politely.

I'll be thinking of you and will Pop back when I can.

It just feels like a compulsion. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm so confused. I thought nobody coming was a sign that I should. But I'm so scared I'll mess it up & be stuck here forever.

The crisis team just called me, I spoke to the lady & she said someone will call me tomorrow to try & arrange to come & see me.

This is an obvious sign that I can't be helped.

Another one urging you to ring the GP surgery - you should not have been left in limbo like this.

x-post

If you are thinking in terms of "signs" that is not good. If it were a sign, I would interpret it as telling you to hang on, help is coming.

The lady I spoke to just kept asking me what sort of help I wanted. I don't know.

If I don't know what help I want then I can't be helped.

At the moment living is the hardest thing. Everything in me is screaming at me to go. I don't know if I can resist the compulsion. Any why should I resist it? Because it would clearly be the best thing, for everyone. Just more proof that I'm useless, more reasons to go.

See, this annoys me. There sometimes seems to be no understanding of what it's like to be depressed, from those who really ought to know better. Of course you don't know what sort of help you want - you want/need someone to come and see how you are, and give you options as to the help on offer.