I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

DH will be back soon. I need to stop this. Oh god.

I'd hope someone would see you. When I walked into my GP surgery (no appointment) and managed to whisper to the receptionist that I felt suicidal they had me in with a GP within minutes. It saved me.

Criminy do you need to be seen tonight. If it's getting harder to control the thoughts then Samaritans or ooh/a&e might be a good idea.

Criminy is your DH home now? What else do you find takes your mind off your thoughts?

Your GP will fit you in if you are suicidal appointment or no appointment.

The only thing that seems to stop me thinking about killing myself is to hurt myself. I know that's messed up, I'm sorry.

I'll be ok until tomorrow. I can't leave the house at this time without coming up with a plausible excuse to DH anyway, & I can't think of one.

DH has just gotten home (he's been at his hobby all year all day.) Bedtime with DCs has not gone well so I've told him he'll have to stay in DS's room with him while I shower & clean up DD as she just threw up all over her bed.

I don't know what helps with the thoughts. I was struggling with thoughts last time I saw the last psychiatrist, he told me I need to think of something I enjoy doing normally & do it. But there is nothing.

Will twang an elastic band or holding ice do as a swap for causing harm to yourself?

I hope your DD isn't sick again. Not what you need at bedtime.

I can try twanging a band and/or ice, but I can't do it very much - I'd need to go hide in the bathroom or similar as I can't let DH see me doing anything.

Bedtime is a nightmare anyway, I've totally failed my kids with that. I think DD's asleep now, but I might stay in here a bit longer.

Would he not understand? Or be angry?

If they are asleep then you've done fine. I felt so often I'd failed my DC. But I haven't. That's just my perspective thanks to depression.

He'd be very angry.

I don't think he really believes in mental illness. I've struggled for a good few years now but he never talks about it & never wants to talk about it. He just seems to get angry that I'm not behaving in the way that I should; he seems angry that I can't just snap out of it.

Ok. That's very hard for you then. He could do with talking to someone like your GP to help him understand that this is not a choice and you can't snap out of it.
I can imagine that must hurt, having no support.

To be honest, I really don't like him much. I should probably leave but I can't for several reasons. I find myself wishing he'd just either leave or go have an affair. One of the reasons I can't let him know how I'm feeling now (apart from the fact that he'd either not care or get angry) is because if we did split up I'd be concerned he'd use my mental health issues against me.

criminy I just want to scoop you up in a big hug!! No wonder you feel so low. I think you should go and tell your GP tomorrow that these thoughts are causing you problems.

Hi there Criminy
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We really hope things get easier for you soon, Criminy and are pleased to see you getting lots of support here. Best of luck. MNHQ

Hi Iona

Thankyou Iona, & thankyou MrsMinton. A hug would be nice!

It seems odd being called Criminy, I'm not used to it!

I think I'm going to call my surgery tomorrow morning & try to speak to somebody. It's difficult because I'm a pushover & not very assertive, so if they say there's no appointments I'll probably just say thankyou, never mind. Since I got up this morning I have literally not stopped thinking about killing myself. I've become obsessed with it.

I think actually going to the GP might be difficult. It will involve me going past a place I've been obsessing about today.

I'm sorry I'm being so negative.

Please don't be sorry. I'm so proud of you because you've not acted on those thoughts all day. That's hard.
You've been really brave telling us here. Please ring them and say you are feeling like suicidal thoughts are getting out of control and could the GP even just call you.

I'm at work tomorrow and don't have access to my phone. I'm going to say hi in the morning and then later when I get back. You can pm if it's easier.

You aren't alone and you are so brave.

Thankyou so much, that's actually made me a bit tearful! I don't feel very brave though, perversely part of me feels like it would be braver just to act on those thoughts.

I will let you know how I get on, thankyou again.

I hope you get some sleep and your DD is ok. I'll be thinking of you.

Morning Criminy. Just a quick check in. I hope you got some sleep. Hope your DD hasn't been sick again. Today is a new day. I hope you can find the strength to ring the GP and put yourself first. It would be a little step in the right direction.

Thinking of you.

OP, i hope youre ok today.
It's not ideal to SH but its a million times better than your other feelings.
Try and deal with one thing at a time. Stopping the suicidal idealisation is more of a priority than the fact youve got some dodgy ways to make the thoughts go away.

Youve got babies so its really important you try and stick around. There is nothing about you intrinsically that means that youd be unable to have a fulfilling life. You are being fobbed off without finding a treatment that works. There will be something. xx

Morning. DD wasn't sick again. I finally got to sleep at about 3am, then DS came in at about 5am because he'd wet the bed. Ah well.

I've just called the GP and I'm on my GPs telephone list for today, so theoretically he'll call me this morning.

I do feel bad about the SH though, I was so stupid & trying to hide it is tricky.

Hoping my GP can help.

Well done for ringing. I'm just off out.

SH is better than you not being here for your DC this morning. please look after yourself though. That can be sorted too with time. x

well SH is a problem but you can deal with it later. Your priority is to keep your head above water and not drowning just now.
Try and clear the fog and sort out one thing at a time.
Are there certain triggers in the day that make the thoughts worse? What is your worst time ? x

Afternoon Criminy. You survived another night - well done. You know this means are one night closer to feeling better.

I hope your GP has been helpful.

Keep posting .

GP finally called back about an hour ago. He's going to see me tomorrow morning. I need to be honest but I'm not sure I can. I've spent so long saying I'm fine.

I think the urge is strongest when there's someone else here to look after the kids. The compulsion to just walk out & end it is almost impossible to resist. When I'm just by myself with the kids I just fantasise about what I'll do when someone else is here.