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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 09/03/2015 15:13

Please trust your GP, and tell him how you are feeling. Let him do his job.

Your LOs are at a pretty full-on stage, I remember it well though it was long ago for me. I don't think my then H understood (and nor did he help with the mess generated, and both the mess and his lack of help contributed to my continuous depression back then). (In fact he was a lazy cocklodger who got nastier as time passed, but I was too depressed to see that and thought it was all me)

Original poster
Criminy · 09/03/2015 17:29

Tbh I think I need to get out of this relationship. It just seems impossible though, & not sure it'd be a good thing for the kids either.

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Original poster
Criminy · 09/03/2015 17:30

And then I just go back to thinking it's all irrelevant because I won't be here anyway.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 09/03/2015 17:55

First thing is to get better.

SH was never part of my illness, just misery and non-motivation and weeping and feeling like a failure Hmm - but when the SSRIs came in, and I started on paroxatine in 1998, they worked for me, when previously other ADs had just been numbing.

Hang in there and keep hope for better times, for now take it a day at a time.

Branleuse · 09/03/2015 18:02

Have you always felt like that about your relationship. Was it good at one point?

Branleuse · 09/03/2015 18:03

In depression, it can be hard to feel much love for anyone, let alone romantic love

Original poster
Criminy · 09/03/2015 18:40

I've tried so many different tablets and yet I'm still in this situation. Think I'm running out of options.

Marriage has had issues for a few years, since I got pregnant with DC1, & probably before really. I remember talking to a friend about being miserable when DC1 was tiny. Last year DH had a huge shouting fit at me, told me I make his life a misery & that I should go jump off a bridge, all sorts. I took the kids to my folks & he said some awful things. But we decided to give it another go.

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MrsMinton · 09/03/2015 18:58

Evening Criminy. I'm so pleased you've got the appointment tomorrow. Please be honest or write it down if you feel it's too hard to say.
You've done so well to keep not acting on these thoughts.

TheSilveryPussycat · 09/03/2015 20:01

The more honest you are about your symptoms, the more likely that they can prescribe an AD that suits - or refer you to secondary services if needed. Also it can help if you know (and can summarise for the dr) what has been tried without success.

There seem to be new ADs all the time, and different people react differently to different ones. All I'm saying is that pre 1998 no AD worked for me, then after 1998 one that worked for me became available. So who knows what 2015 may bring?

sending warm wishes

Original poster
Criminy · 09/03/2015 22:13

I've just been to the cinema with my mum. Arranged to go last week so thought I should go. I couldn't concentrate on the film though, my mind kept wandering.

It meant DH had to put both DC to bed by himself for the first time ever. I don't think he's very happy with me, he's only said a very curt "hello" since I came home, & gave a sarky answer when I asked where his keys were.

I'm still not sure that I'm depressed. Maybe that's why the meds don't work. Logically, killing myself makes sense. I just can't stop fantasising about it. I'm so confused about whether I'm being useless & non-sensical because I haven't done it yet, or whether I'm being good because I havent. Not sure I'm making sense. In my mind I should just do it, I've failed because I haven't done it yet. But then people are saying I've done well not to do it & my brain is just saying "Does Not Compute."

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Queenofknickers · 09/03/2015 22:26

That's because your brain is unwell. The problem with mental illness is that the very organ we need to help us make sense of it is not working properly! I felt exactly as you do - I've been having therapy and taking 2 ADs and the awful thoughts have gone. I hope you get on ok with the GP tomorrow - I will be thinking of you. You ARE doing really well and you need some help to keep going. You can do it.Thanks

TheSilveryPussycat · 09/03/2015 22:56

knickers is right. And allow me to disagree with your logic - I don't think killing yourself makes sense.

For the time being, concentrate on just doing nothing if you can. Or we could chat. What was the film?

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 09:31

Sorry, DD was up for ages, then I tried to get some sleep, not very successfully.

We went to see the second best marigold hotel, I think it was probably very good. Hadn't been to the cinema for about 7 years!

I'm starting to freak out about going to the GP. I've been thinking so much about walking along the road that the GP surgery is on, because at the end of it is the train tracks. I've walked straight past the surgery to the tracks so many times in my head. And I still can't work out whether I'm supposed to go to the tracks or not.

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Branleuse · 10/03/2015 09:39

If youre in a miserable relationship and living situation, there is no tablet in the world thats going to outweigh that. Youre self harming because youve still got fight and passion in you, and youre stronger than you feel because you are not giving in to your urges to just be completely out of your situation.

People have left relationships with just their children and the clothes on their back. You dont actually need anything else. The rest is details.

A change of life in a practical sense might be the difference between you feeling suicidal and you actually coping with life, and then you can work on things that make you happy too, but if youre living with someone that despises you, you wont be happy, because youre taking on board and absorbing his lies.

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 10:32

Let me add, however, that tablets can help you get to a better place to deal with the other stuff in your life. One step at a time. Today, just keep the apptmt - I'll be thinking of you.

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 11:48

GP has called the crisis team. He said I have to be seen today. He told them I have "marked depression & suicidal thoughts with forward planning and no limiting factors", whatever that means. I'm supposed to go back home now & call the surgery when I get back so he knows I got home. I'm very scared. I don't know what they'll do. DH is going to be so mad too - he'll appear concerned and say the right things when other people are there but he's going to hate me for shattering his image of having it all/the perfect family. I guess really, he's all about the image. I am sat on a bench by the main road. If I don't call the surgery from my landline soon GP will call police.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 11:58

Frankly, sod "D"H.

Go home, make a cup of tea, and ring in. You may have to wait a while for the Crisis Team, as obviously their priorities can change, but they will come and see you. Trust them, like you trusted your GP.

I'll be MNing on and off all day, so here for you. Brew Brew

creamhearts · 10/03/2015 12:53

Thinking of you, I hope the crisis team are helpful. xx

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 13:02

I made it home & called the surgery.

I've never seen the crisis team before. I have no idea what they might say or do. Because of that I'm thinking I've been so stupid, I should've just gone when I had the chance this morning.

Thankyou for talking to me

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 13:17

They are coming to see how you are and what the best form of treatment may be. They'll talk to you about how you are feeling. It could be that they think a stay in hospital might be the way forward, or they may offer support through frequent home visits for a while.

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 13:27

I think my mum knows something's up. She's got to stay for a bit longer anyway - the dog's gone in for a minor op this morning so she's had to take him to the vets, just waiting for them to call to tell me when he can come home. (I lost my driving licence last year when I randomly developed epilepsy out of the blue). I think I need to tell my mum something but I don't know what.

I don't know if I want to be helped. The temptation to just lie to the crisis team is very strong.

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Annietheacrobat · 10/03/2015 13:29

Well done Criminy. Another positive step forward. Don't stew too much on your DH at the moment. He is an issue that can be dealt with at a later point.

Now is for thinking about you and you getting the help you need.

I'm off work with a poorly DC so will check in on you throughout the day.

Annietheacrobat · 10/03/2015 13:31

Just seen your update. It 's not worth lying to the crisis team. They have seen it all before and have been briefed by your GP.

Branleuse · 10/03/2015 14:04

please dont lie to them. Give it another shot x

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 14:14

If the dog was here then I could just say I was going to take him for a walk. As it is I can't think of an excuse to leave the house. So stupid. My mind's starting to wander to other methods now.

If the crisis team call/come (?) I'll try & tell them the truth, you're right in that my GP has briefed them anyway.

If I still don't have enough faith that I can make a good job of it so I'm still around, then 2 weeks tomorrow I start back at work after being off since last July with my epilepsy (well, I've technically been back a month already, because I had lots of annual leave to use). I'd forgotten that.

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