I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Why not ask them to call the duty doc right now? You can show them your hands, to prove you need extra help.

I think getting it on your card would be great; the duty doctor could do that and help now.

I think you're trying so hard. Ask for the duty doctor lovely. See if it helps you rest.

The night staff are on now (the nursing assistant who ordered me to the lounge earlier is on the night shift). This night team are not very useful. Their sole aim is to get you to shut up and go to sleep. They don't talk, they just bark. They pretty much force zopiclone onto everyone - I don't have it written up though, so cant have it. If you have issues and could really do with talking things through with someone then that's just not going to happen - you will get told that it's late, go to sleep, do you need meds?

There is one nurse who works nights who is absolutely lovely & I talk to her lots, but she's not on tonight.

That's a real shame because you've said before how understanding she is.

Are you hands ok after earlier?

Nice nurse has not been in for a couple of days, so hopefully that means she'll be back soon. I have no idea how the rota/shifts works.

My hands are just painful. Even the air blowing on the raw bits hurts. There's an area on each hand (v approx 2x3 & 2x2 inches) that is raw. Well one of them is scabbed over now. Now there's also a patch on my forearm that's about 1x3 inches. My hair needs washing and I've no idea how to do it.

So you need some dressings on, otherwise you won't be able to sleep. Go ask them, Criminy.

Is there a hair salon at the hospital, by any chance? Or might your DM wash your hair for you tomorrow?

Good thought LD. I'm sure your mom would help.

They said they don't need any dressings or anything doing to them.

Good idea, I'll try & get my mum to do it, possibly over the bath with a jug, do you think?

Sounds ideal.

Over the bath will be fine, and I'm sure she'll make a much better job of it than my DH, after my gall-bladder op. He spent ages shampooing the back . . and the sides . . but didn't touch the top
Eventually, the penny dropped: "Errr, I also have hair on the top of my head, darling".
But I assume your DM isn't bald, so you won't have the same problem

Morning All

Criminy I'm just checking in. I hope your hands are bothering you a little less and you got your hair washed.

Hi Criminy, sorry been awol last few days I wish hope you got your hair washed eventually and your hands are better.

Been busy with child commitments last few days, bloody knackered! Wish I could get a day off, dream on Sooz!!!!

Hi Criminy, soozi and all.

Hope you are all ok.

It's been manic here. Gearing up for SATS at school and trying to sort out a physio appointment for DH.

Today there was some impressive hail while I was on playground duty, the kids thought it was great!

His everyone, hope you are ok Criminy!

Sorry for not being here for a bit. I've just been plodding on. Some ok days, some very bad days.
I don't think I'm doing very well again. Or maybe I am. I'm not sure. The staff keep making me stay in communal areas.

My consultant is still insisting that she wants to discharge me. My family are insisting that I'm too ill for them to reasonably look after at home. I think at least some of the nurses agree with them.

I've asked to transfer to that other ward, the one they were talking about before. It's the only way to get a different consultant. But I really don't want to go - whole load of different staff & patients, plus it's a mixed ward, plus there's lots of groups etc. But I don't have a choice.

Good news though in that I saw a psychologist for the first time yesterday evening. My mum found her, & she's a PhD in clinical psychology, she specialises in Aspergers and suicidal thoughts, among a couple of other things. Hopefully she will be able to help. She should do for the amount she's costing!

I always seem to go downhill during the day. I'm always worse in the evening and at night. Right now the thoughts are getting hard to ignore. I saw the kids this afternoon & that tends to make me worse too unfortunately.

It's lovely to hear from you, Criminy! And no need to apologise. The thread is for your benefit, whenever you want to chat. And when you don't . . . well, you are still in our thoughts. Can you feel all the positive thought waves heading in your direction?

It's good that your family are looking out for you. A different consultant is definitely worth a try, as the current one doesn't seem able to understand what's going on inside your head. When will you see the psychologist again?

Don't worry about the groups, Criminy. You could just sit and observe, until you feel sufficiently comfortable to join in. And you might learn some new crafts, to do with the kids.

Nice to hear from you, Criminy. I've been peeking at the thread almost every day, hoping for an update.

The new psychologist sounds ideal, I hope she can help. When do you see her again?

I'm going to see the psychologist again next Mon evening. She thinks that this initially started because I had a lot going on, & had done for a long time, and it all tipped me into suicidal-type thoughts. But then because of my Aspergers I fixed onto killing myself, & started obsessing about it. It's very common for people with Aspergers to obsess about things, for example, last summer it was doors. Trouble is, I've now been obsessing about it so deeply for quite a while, so it will probably be difficult to break. I need to shift the obsession to something healthier.

I've finished my cross-stitch now. Not sure if I should post a picture because it's got my surname on it. Although I've not been bothered about identifying myself before, I think this thread is very identifying! My mum has bought me a tapestry kit to do next. It's flowers on a black background, worked on canvas in wool. It's 18x18 inches, so going to make a bloody big cushion! It's in tent stitch, which I've never used before, so just got to get used to it.

A nurse here said that they're going to see what the day hospital can do about groups for me. They might be able to do a few bits 1:1 to introduce me to things, before joining smaller groups.
I don't know why they didn't offer that before.

Thankyou for your thoughts

"I need to shift the obsession to something healthier"
Did I mention my Aspie friend who runs ultramarathons?

About identifying yourself:
This thread is nearly full, so perhaps it's time to start a new one? And let this one just fade into obscurity.

A new thread for your journey back to "wellness" . . .

Criminy - good to hear from you. Your sound more positive. It does sound like psychological therapy may be the way forward to help you manage your obsessions and compulsions.

Still thinking of you.

Good luck with the psychotherapist this evening, Criminy!

Have you moved wards yet?

Hi all, yes good luck with physicologist Criminy x