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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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Annietheacrobat · 11/03/2015 12:48

Criminy

You are not useless and you will get better.

Keep posting

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 12:54

I feel a bit like I was hanging on for the crisis team to do something, but the impression I got was that there's nothing they can really do. I very much felt that I was being a pain in the neck. Originally she was going to get someone to call me next week.

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Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 13:01

And I guess out of some kind of desperation earlier this morning I cut my leg and now it's tricky to walk. Stupid thing to do. DH asked me last night if I'd hurt myself & for some reason I stupidly said no. I think I felt a bit attacked. Well I'm not sure hiding my leg will be very easy, the other places are hard enough. So stupid. It's the only thing that's quietened my head & the compulsion though - I guess old habits die hard.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 11/03/2015 13:20

It does seem to me you need some sort of face to face assessment pretty urgently, and proper care from a psychiatrist (meds I'd imagine). You are not well enough to judge how ill you are, iyswim - that's the nature of the illness.

Sending strength.

TheSilveryPussycat · 11/03/2015 13:20

It does seem to me you need some sort of face to face assessment pretty urgently, and proper care from a psychiatrist (meds I'd imagine). You are not well enough to judge how ill you are, iyswim - that's the nature of the illness.

Sending strength.

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 14:02

I've always struggled with emotions, & talking about emotions. It's made mental health issues v difficult to talk about & sort out. I just don't really "get" it. If someone asks me how I'm feeling I genuinely don't know how to answer it. I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is depression or normal. People keep saying I should think back to a happy memory - but I just don't remember. I mean, I know that logically I must have been happy when my DC were born, but I have no memory of feelings. Is there a word for the memory of feelings?

I've tried lots of different meds over the years - fluoxetine, paroxetine, venlafaxine, citalopram, escitalopram, Sertraline, amitriptyline, imipramine, clomipramine. I'm on a mix of amitriptyline & clomipramine now. None of the others made any difference at all. I'm also on lamotrigine and topiramate for my epilepsy. And painkillers for my spine. So god only knows about meds.

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MummySparkle · 11/03/2015 17:04

How are you feeling now Criminy? Thinking of you. Did the crisis team give you a phone number you can call? x

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 18:52

DH has been home 20 mins and he's only said this:
Me: how was your day?
Him: (sarcastically). Riveting. What did you do?
Me: Not a lot
Him: anything that's still in the pile in our room that's not listed on eBay by Saturday I'm taking to the tip.

I feel like something he scraped off his shoe. I was starting to think I'd done well to still be here, but now I'm clearly just useless.

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Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 18:53

Sorry, no phone number or any advice.

It's shit that trains don't really run at night.

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MrsMinton · 11/03/2015 18:56

You've done brilliantly to still be here.

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 19:06

I'm not so sure. I'm just so confused. I don't know what the right thing to do is. I don't know what I can do to stop him being mad at me. Well, that's if he is mad at me, I don't know, I don't know anything. I don't know what he wants me to do.

It really does mean a lot for you all to talk to me, thankyou all.

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Queenofknickers · 11/03/2015 19:10

Hi Criminy, you are doing so well, keep going. I'm thinking of you and wishing you love and support - because that's what you need and deserve. Do you think you could email your GP if the phone is hard?

MrsMinton · 11/03/2015 19:12

You can't stop him feeling things but you can change how you feel. You need to look after you. He needs to help you get well. Not have a go at you.

The right thing to do is to get help and be about for your DCs. But that seems really hard now I know.

I wish I could give you RL support. Make you a Brew and listen.

BisleyBoy · 11/03/2015 19:26

I really wish I could reach inside your head to pull out those thiughts you have that you're useless and crap. You are not. I believe that your H has put them there. He needs to be supporting you, not ignoring you/the issue.
You don't just need to be being beaten for women's aid to help you....they help women who are being emotionally abused too. Which you are.
I don't want to drive you away from the thread with this. I want you to keep posting so you get support. If you want me to shut up about your H then I will and you will still be supported through this difficult time. I hope you're managing to cope ok tonight. I really do. Flowers

Branleuse · 11/03/2015 19:41

Your husband is bullying you. He is making things worse. He is why youre not getting better x

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 20:04

I'm just worried that my current state of mind is colouring my interpretation of what he's saying. Maybe I'm just thinking the worst of what he says; misunderstanding him?

He said last night that I create a hostile atmosphere, so that no, he doesn't want to be here because I give out all the signals that I don't want him here. That I need to decide whether I want him in my life or not because he can be in the kids' lives without being in mine. He loves me & wants to be with me, but only if I want him to. If I don't want him then he'll go because he only wants me to be happy. He's had plenty of job opportunities that he's had to turn down so that he could be here with me, but what's the point in being here if I don't want him.

Please don't feel that you shouldn't talk about DH, I think you're all right in that this is a big contributor to my problems, I just have no idea in which way. Hell, I've been with him, & lived with him, since I was 17, I've obviously messed it up somewhere along the way.

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Annietheacrobat · 11/03/2015 20:11

I have tried to avoid taking too much about your DH on this thread, thinking that he should be tackled when you are feeling stronger but what an arse! Who speaks to their partner like that, let alone when they have told you the night before that they were suicidal.

We will be your support network instead.

Keep talking Crim xx

Manic3mum · 11/03/2015 20:30

He sounds super supportive and loving Hmm
Hang on in there, am offering virtual hand-holding Flowers your children do not think you are useless or messed up, keep going for them xxx

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 20:37

Actually, you're right. Yesterday I told him that I can't stop thinking about killing myself, that I'm obsessing about it. That my GP referred me to the crisis team. Only for him to lay into me about the fact that I'm the reason our relationship isn't working - basically that I'm driving him away. He's not once asked if there's anything he can do to help. Oh my God.

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MrsMinton · 11/03/2015 20:45

Oh Criminy. You've been with him a while then and if it's always been like this then it's no wonder you are so low.

You can get better. You really can. You just need the right support.

MrsMinton · 11/03/2015 20:52

Looking at this can you answer yes to any of these:

Do they not notice or care how you feel
Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness
Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
Are they are always right?
Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”

These are all emotionally abusive behaviours.

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 20:53

Maybe I'm being unfair on him though, maybe he was just shocked or something and it's taking him a while to get to grips with it?

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Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 20:57

Reading that has made my blood run cold. I feel sick.

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MrsMinton · 11/03/2015 20:58

I'm sorry. Hand to hold here as long as you need it.

Original poster
Criminy · 11/03/2015 21:16

What if I'm just being over-sensitive though? Trying to find fault? Maybe im just cherry-picking the bad bits?

He's just asked me if I'm any better or worse today. He's asked if there's anything he can do. I said I don't know. He said will I talk to the crisis team? Hopefully they can come up with a way to help given that either I don't want him to or he's incapable of helping, whichever - he's not sure which one & he's not sure if I even know which one.

I'm so confused.

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