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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

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Annietheacrobat · 10/03/2015 16:06

Have they made contact yet? How is the dog? Have you said anything to your mum yet?

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 16:14

I've not heard anything yet. Starting to get worried that they won't have come before DH gets home. God knows what I'm going to tell him if they haven't already come.

I told my mum I hadn't been coping very well & so somebody was supposed to be coming to talk to me about it. She pretty much freaked out & tried to get me & the kids to go to her house - she's been on & on at me to leave DH for ages now. So she's blaming him for this.

Now I'm thinking that if they haven't come just before DH gets home I'm going to have to make an excuse to go out. I can't face him. Maybe this will be the thing that finally pushes me to go - it's a risk assessment really. Which is worse - the prospect of failing to do the job properly & so ending up permanently disabled and unable to try again, or having to face DH.

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Annietheacrobat · 10/03/2015 16:24

Is going with your mum a realistic option?

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 16:29

Not really, she lives an hour & a half away, too far away for nursery, work, hospital appointments etc, especially because I can't drive.

I had mental health issues as a teenager, one of the reasons I didn't really want to tell her now.

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Annietheacrobat · 10/03/2015 16:44

Could she stay with you for a few days? I know when I have felt at my lowest I preferred having someone else in the house.

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 16:45

So your DM is staying with you, have I got that right? Will she be there when "D"H gets back? Is he likely to shout at you while Crisis Team there?

I know it's hard but mental ill health is nothing to be ashamed of, even if others, who don't understand, think so.

MrsMinton · 10/03/2015 16:51

Because you aren't at work at the moment could you go for a short stay with her?

The crisis team will come. They know how bad you are feeling. They can tell your H you are ill and it's not his place to give you a hard time over it if you need them to. Your mom could be your help to get this all sorted and away from him in time.

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 16:56

He's just gotten back, my mum is just going. She usually leaves when he gets back. He's back a lot earlier than I thought.

Do you think the crisis team will leave me alone now? Because I've not heard anything from anybody? Do they call on the phone or physically visit?

I have no idea how I'm going to explain this to DH. Maybe if I don't say anything the crisis team won't contact me anyway? Or if they just phone then maybe I can talk them round? Should I say something to him before the crisis team get in contact or just brazen it out & wait til they get in touch to explain?

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 17:02

Quick, run out and ask her to stay. Tell her it all.

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 17:06

I don't think he'll shout if the crisis team come. He's very good at maintaining his image. He'll act appropriately if somebody else is here. He'll be annoyed that I haven't spoken to him, I think.

The kids & I stayed at my parents' last Thurs-Tues, & Sat-Tues a few weeks ago. DH was busy with his hobby all weekend & several evenings, so thought we may as well go away for a few days.

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Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 17:07

He's acting strangely. I don't know if my mum has said something or if he's stalking me on MN again.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 17:13

Pre-disposition to depression + abusive relationship = severely or chronically depressed woman (it's usually the woman) This is how the equation worked for me, except I couldn't see the abuse because I was depressed.

I unpicked it by starting with the depression. And so can you. But you do need help.

Seriously, what is the worst he can do? Belittle you with words? (I know this feels awful) If so, report back and we will help you keep it together.

MrsMinton · 10/03/2015 17:15

Has he stalked you here before?

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/03/2015 17:15

He can hardly object to treatment resulting from a GP referrel to experts!

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 17:20

I'm scared of what he'll say, & scared that he will take the kids away.

When he had his massive meltdown shouting fit at me last year he quoted some things I'd said in posts on MN (on AIBU I think). So he'd obviously looked for me for some reason. I've name-changed a few times since.

I just don't know whether to say something to him or just wait til I speak to/see the crisis team?

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BisleyBoy · 10/03/2015 17:34

Have you considered contacting women's aid sweetheart? I think that also might be a good idea. Flowers

BisleyBoy · 10/03/2015 17:36

I think what you're describing is now into the realms of an abusive relationship. This cannot be doing your illness any good at all.

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 17:40

I'm not sure, I know we agreed last year that one of the problems was that I didn't tell him things. I guess I'm doing the same now. So it's a mess of my own making.

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MrsMinton · 10/03/2015 17:59

I think Bisley had a good point. Once things are sorted with the crisis team I think you need to tjink about how he treats you.

BisleyBoy · 10/03/2015 18:06

But why don't you tell him things? I get the feeling it's because you're afraid of how he will react. That's not good. At all.
I think maybe just look at the women's aid website if contacting them seems like too big of a step. They have info on there about what constitutes abuse etc.

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 18:19

I guess I don't tell him things because if I say something to him that he perceives to be critical of him in any way then he either has a go at me/makes a snippy comment, and/or ignores me completely for the next few days.

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Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 18:23

Oh crap I sort of told him. I said "Oh, I went to the GP today because I wasn't feeling too great & he called the crisis team, whatever that means."

He's gone into the other room with DD.

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BisleyBoy · 10/03/2015 18:35

What did he say to that?

Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 18:38

He literally just said "oh" and went into the living room with DD. I'm still in the kitchen clearing up.

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Original poster
Criminy · 10/03/2015 19:00

He's gone to take DD to bed.

This whole crisis team business - I've not heard a thing yet, so can I assume they're not getting in touch with me, or are they likely to call up until very late?

I just can't stop thinking about killing myself. Having thoughts that I hope the crisis team don't get in touch so that I can go in the night when everyone's in bed.

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