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Original poster

I can't stop thinking

938 replies

Criminy · 08/03/2015 14:16

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
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LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 20:56

You can cope, Criminy. I know it's really hard for you, but you are coping. And it will get better, even though it's not happening fast enough for you.

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 21:39

You're right that running will be difficult, so I'll just have to do it here instead.

OP posts:
LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 21:44

Criminy, this is not a game. Go find a nurse, and tell them what you are planning. NOW.

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 21:55

Sorry, that last message was a bit glib .

I told the nurse before what my plan was, she just told me to read a book or do some colouring.

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LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 21:59

So go find another nurse, and tell them exactly what you are intending to do. And then come back and chat to us.

MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 22:02

Yes do. I'm sat here but will come and sing on your bed if I have to.

Tell someone please.

LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 22:08

I had a really weird dream about you guys last night Shock It involved a pot of paint I'd sent in, for Criminy to redecorate the ward. But then I needed it back, so had to sneak in, and ended up in the next bed. You were there too, Evadne, conducting the MN choir . . .

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 22:17

They've just done shift handover, and are now onto bedtime meds. I'm going to try to talk to someone if I find someone around & willing, but we're v short-staffed.

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LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 22:22

Maybe they are short-staffed, but there is NOTHING more important than helping you to stay alive. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Anyway, that's what they became Mental Health Nurses for, isn't it?

MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 22:27

I agree. Never more important and if they say it is then complain!!

I conduct beautifully LD. What colour was the paint? totally missing the point that it's odd

LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 22:32

I can't remember the colour, only that it was discontinued, and that's why I needed to retrieve the pot. I suppose the dream was related to the garden bench painting I've been doing this week Confused

MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 22:34

I would think so Grin

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 22:37

The night team won't let me go to my bed area until my "meds start working". So I'm staying in the lounge for now. I have a horrible feeling they're expecting my bedtime tablets to knock me out, but I don't routinely take zopiclone etc.

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Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 22:41

The next bed to me is the lady a couple of people refer to as "shitty knickers" you don't want to go near her bed! The ward's not too shabby actually!

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MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 22:42

Glad you've told them. We could have our own dorm. I could do with a huge hug and some knitting right now.

LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 22:43

In other news . . . my hayfever seems to have quietened down for the moment. It's usually bad with grass pollen in June, but I now seem to be reacting to tree pollen as well Hmm

MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 22:44

Yuck LD Sad

LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 22:44

Awww . . . MN group hug ((( )))

MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 22:46

Aww thanks Smile

Original poster
Criminy · 18/04/2015 22:50

DD has been showing signs of hay fever recently too, boo. But yay for spring time!

Me too? Group hug
((((((((((((((ahhhhh)))))))))))))))

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LammilyDoll · 18/04/2015 22:54

Luckily, I didn't develop hayfever until I was 21, particularly as the anti-histamines were dreadful back then. More like powerful sleeping tablets. The modern stuff is so much better.

MrsEvadneCake · 18/04/2015 23:06

Thanks Crim. huge(((( huggles)))) back to both of you

LammilyDoll · 19/04/2015 09:17

I hope you managed to calm down and get some sleep, Criminy?
Well done for getting the nurses to understand you needed some attention.

Original poster
Criminy · 19/04/2015 09:48

I went to my bed area eventually, but couldn't control my urges there at that time. But I did pull the thing from around my neck off, then go to the nurses station. I just gave them the thing I was using then said I needed to sit out there for a while. They were ok with that, but then I moved to the de-escalation room anyway.

Eventually went back to bed at about 3am.

Kids are coming at 11am. That's great but I get nervous beforehand, & tend to struggle afterwards. I think it's because it takes a lot of effort to appear more "normal" for them, & to push the compulsions down.

Anyone got any plans for today?

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LammilyDoll · 19/04/2015 10:49

Well done, Criminy - you are doing all the right things to keep yourself safe.

I'm off to the Peak District in a few minutes, so I'll report back this evening.

Good luck with your "visitors".