I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Good morning LD and Criminy.

Have fun LD

Criminy well done for going and getting help and handing in your unsafe item. I hope seeing the children isn't as hard as you expect. You don't have to be too normal, it's ok to be a bit quiet and cuddly. Is your DH or mom bringing them?

I'm trying to get caught up in the house. I was tired last week and I need to do a couple of wash loads and run the dishwasher and find lost shoes!! We will go to the park for a while though.

Hello everyone! I'm battered and bruised, but had a lovely day riding up on the moors. Well, I say "riding", but in reality I'm not "too posh to push"

How was this morning's visit, Criminy? Has it been very difficult since they left?

I slept in for a while. It was lovely. Got lots of bits sorted to make my week easier.

Bruises mean fun was had in a giddy way

Hope your visit wasn't too exhausting.

Early night for me, as I have a flat battery. As does the laptop. Night all!

Hi Criminy (and everyone else ). Just checking in to see how you are doing. Hope the family visit went well this morning.

Sorry you've been struggling the last few days criminy. MN stopped giving me notifications for this thread :(

How are you feeling this morning? We used to get lots of bank nurses who couldn't speak English, I hated it, and hates them!

Hi, Criminy, I have just come across your thread, so I hope you don't mind me posting, just thought You are going through such turmoil, catch 22 really but I hope you are ok and the doctors can sort one problem at a time for you, sounds like you have some lovely ladies supporting you here on Mumsnet, I like the idea of their bed choir! Anyway, just wanted to say hello

Hello Zipadi, and welcome to Criminy's thread! Just let us know if you'd like us to pop over, and sing at you, too . . .

Thank you Lamilly I like a good sing song anytime! I read you had a ride on the moors, I presume this is on a horse not a motor bike, although both scare the pants off me, in an excitable screamy way, anyway sounds delightful. Right must eat this caburys cream egg before it melts.

I've gotten myself in a right situation.
Had ward round on Monday. It didn't go very well. Afterwards I was going to discharge myself. DH persuaded me to wait until Mon, then he'd take the day off & I could come home then. The consultant was rude, put words in my mouth, wouldn't listen, lied to me & still wants to diagnose me with something I just haven't got.

Discussion with a couple of different people about how long I'm going on leave for, I said I didn't want to come back. They said they'd call DH & see what he thinks, but they were thinking of Mon-Wed.

A woman came to see me today about it, & said I really need to be on level 4 obs (so can leave the ward by myself) before I can go for leave, so I told her to put me on level 4 then. She talked to the nurses and has done.

I've since calmed down from the ward round. The last couple of days the compulsion to kill myself has been quite bad. But I've not told anyone, because the nurses just give me a lorazepam which does nothing (so no point), they never have the time to actually talk anyway (because they're always short-staffed, so v busy - according to the consultant it's my fault that I don't engage with them though) & I don't want anyone to know I'm still struggling quite a lot with the compulsions because I'm supposed to be ok to go home.

Feel panicky. Don't know what to do.

Sorry, posted that before I read the thread.

Hi everyone, & welcome Zipadi - everybody's more than welcome here!

Oh sweetheart, I was so hoping you were feeling a bit better. Your consultant doesn't seem to understand the effects of your Asperger's, does she? Is the offer to move downstairs still available?

About the compulsion . . . have you tried to do anything, or did you manage to resist? If the latter, that's some progress, surely?

And what about your epilepsy? Are you now on a lower dose? Is this okay?

Thankyou!

The consultant just doesnt listen. She wanted me to go down to some art group. I told her I wasn't going to because I really struggle with art things/being creative, & I also struggle with meeting new people & badly with groups. She said was there anything I don't struggle with (in a v sarcastic voice). She said that that's clearly not the case because I've been doing a big cross-stitch project, & that's arty. I told her it's the complete opposite - it's moving a given pattern from the paper onto the fabric, there's nothing remotely creative with it.

She said a couple of times that I didn't seem suited to, or wasn't taking advantage of, being an inpatient. I think she said that because I refused to do groups & don't talk to the nurses. But they're always busy! I haven't had a 1:1 with my named nurse for 4 weeks! Plus I struggle find it very difficult to talk about any of this - I still don't understand it & never know what to say to anybody anyway. Looking back I think those comments are what started me thinking I should just discharge myself - she clearly doesn't want me here.

Not sure about the offer of going downstairs, but new places make me v anxious. It probably took a good 3 weeks before I felt fairly comfortable here, even then it all went a bit wonky when I had to move beds. Plus it's a mixed ward, which I'm not thrilled about.

I've been having some weird spells - sometimes my brain suddenly feels very, very drunk for a minute or so, then goes back to normal. Just my brain, not my body. And I've been having jerks again - either an arm or leg will suddenly jump, or my whole body jerks (have you ever been about to go to sleep but thought about falling from something, then your whole body jerks as you fall? Like that but randomly during the day when I'm awake.) Worried this means a seizure will be any day now.

This afternoon I pulled something off of my neck after putting it round it.

I'm so sorry.

Well done for taking it off your neck, Criminy. You are a very courageous young woman.

Hmmm, your "funny turns" could well be linked to your epilepsy. You really need to see your neurologist quite soon.

How do you feel about going home? Is there someone who could stay with you? Your mom, or someone like an aunt or cousin?

Hi Criminy, my Dad is on Lorazepam, the tablets make him have hallucinations, (he does have Dementia) but he is in hospital because of his behaviour on Lorazepam it doesn't suit him, I just thought you think they don't do anything, maybe they affect your thoughts, is there anything else that would be more suitable, have they tried anything else? Sorry if I sound bossy I am

To respond to your earlier post, Zipadi:

"Right must eat this caburys cream egg before it melts"
Well, you'll fit in very nicely on this thread. Although I'm still recovering from the Galaxy Salted Caramel bar they made me sample on their behalf. It was rather sickly, and quite a let-down.

"a ride on the moors"
Mountain bike, not a horse (very scary, at both ends). But I'm nervously looking forward to going pony-trekking with Criminy when she's feeling a bit better

Love cycling, pony trekking is about my limit, even better just a Donkey, as long as there is a chocolate treat at the end for our efforts!

Criminy hope you get sorted with your seizure medications, sounds like mild episodes of epilepsy to me, but hey what do I know! I just eat Cadburys Cream Eggs!

I've been asking to see a neurologist since I've been here. They finally got in touch with my neurology dept last week & found out that my next routine appt is 1st July.

DH is having Mon off work, & on tues he'll be working from home. The kids will be in nursery in the day. Worrying that going home for just a couple of days will be awful for the kids.

I'm finding the urge to get on a bus to the train line very hard to resist. I'm only supposed to go around the unit & grounds but found myself walking down the street to the bus stop. I came back though, but at the time really didn't want to. We can't go out after 8:30pm though. So now it's the urge to strangle myself.

Also, pony-trekking will be awesome Although I'm going to have to lose some weight for the poor pony's sake. I've put on quite a bit of weight while I've been here.

Okay, so you get these urges. But you are finding the strength to resist. As I said earlier you are a very strong and brave girl.

Would your DH speak to the neurologist's secretary, and explain that you need to be seen urgently?

Don't worry about disrupting the DC, they'll cope. They know you'll be back home very soon.

Shire-horse trekking would suit me better too

Or what about llama trekking?
"You feel calmer when you walk with a llama"

DH spoke to neurologist's secretary but I don't think he got anywhere.

I've been here nearly 6 weeks & I'm still struggling with these urges. Thinking it's hopeless.

I feel awful about what this has been like for the kids. They've both been getting very upset.

Llama trekking?! I at least thought you'd get to ride them, but that looks like you just take them for a walk!

Then perhaps your DM could give it a try?

Well, I think you are fantastic for resisting the urges for over 6 weeks!

Of course the kids are upset, it's only natural. But in a year or so, they'll have forgotten all about it, and won't suffer any long-term damage.

When they are old enough to understand, they will be so proud of you. As we are, right now