I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

DM is on holiday until next Tues.

I haven't resisted the urges for 6 weeks, a couple of weeks ago I was "discovered" when I "made an attempt on my life".

I'm just sorry for being so bloody useless.

I meant not actually following through to the ultimate conclusion. Going part way there, and then stepping back. That's a brilliant achievement.

Anyway, stop arguing with me. If I say you are fantastic, then you are fantastic.

If you don't behave, we'll come and sing at you. I'm not joking

You sound a lot more positive than I am! Just think I'm a bit mad at myself for everything at the moment. Mad for getting into this situation, mad for getting in a mess.

Doh Ray Me Far So Lah Tee...ooh

Evening!! I'm warming up Criminy just incase!

LD is right you are a remarkably brave person. You've stopped yourself several times recently and fighting those compulsions takes strength.

Could you ask to speak to a PALS representative. They advocate for patients. You could explain you don't feel they understand your Aspergers and how that's effecting things and maybe help you get seen sooner by your neurologist too.

I promise children are way more resilient than we think and this will fade for them. They'll see you well and home and that'll be the lasting memory.

Hello Zipadi

Hi Eva, I'm about to do a runner if we are going on shires horses, do you realise how far you'd have to part your legs just to sit on one!!!!

Sorry Criminy, I don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said... Apart from the obvious one you being a brave brave person, you have a good imp on one shoulder and a bad imp on the other, dust that naughty imp off and keep listening to the well behaved one, you get yourself out of these situations even though the urge is so strong, your mind overcomes it every time so keep up that good work. Can you focus on 1 positive thing each hour, do the staff set you goals and strategies to manage?

You have to look forwards to doing the splits on a shire horse!

Ah, so we need to re-think this. What about side-saddle, would that work? Or those wooden contraptions they put on elephants, for the tourists?

Criminy, I shall need to be very brave to go within 5m of a horse (or pony or llama or elephant). Do you think you could be brave enough to go along to an art group? Not to participate, just to sit there and watch? And it'll help pass the time . . .

Good advice ^^ about PALS - and also those imps!

I only mention the good and naughty Imps because I seem to have Torettes in my head, everything I see and do comes with abuse in my head, but... I don't say them out aloud, I find this very tiring and hard to control, I just thought Criminy that you can control those harming thoughts, you can do it you can. I worry I am going to blurt out abuse, I very very rarely do, it's building that confidence to trust yourself that it's a thought not an action.

I apologise if I sound completely bonkers you are sooz you are back to eating my eggs whilst practising to do the splits!

I talked to one of the nurses who was on last night. It got to about 1am and I had wrapped my headphones around, but managed to wander out & give them to the nurse.

We had quite a good talk. I like her, I've spoken to her before & she actually listens, and has an amazing ability to realise what the actual problem is. Just a shame she only does nights - although it's partly a good thing because she actually has the time to talk. And she said that the consultant's comments about me not talking to any of the nurses was just wrong, because I talk to her.

I told her that after having such a bad ward round on Mon I'd just had enough; was very upset & very angry & basically had a meltdown. When people said I couldn't go right then, saying I could go this Mon calmed me down a bit. But really, I wasn't in any state to make decisions like that, but the decision was mad & it's since run away from me a bit.

She also said that it seems that people aren't thinking about my Aspergers & how that affects me, which is true. Some people need to realise that even when I'm "well" there are certain things (mainly socially & emotionally) that I struggle a lot with.

Think maybe just going home for the day on Mon might be an idea. Not sure what DH will say to that though, although he knows I was really struggling last night.

Wow, Criminy - you wouldn't have been able to talk to that nurse last month, would you? That's a really useful step forward, and essential if you are to benefit from a talking therapy.

It's interesting that you struggle with actual talking, and yet you are so eloquent on here.

How do you feel about going home? Is it very scary?

Criminy that is amazing. Being able to talk to her and decide that just a home visit Monday is sensible is such a massive difference.

I think just going home for a day trip is very sensible. I'm also wondering if she could help you write down some things you want them to know at ward round? As you talk maybe she could help you make notes to give them. Like LD said you are very eloquent here and I think it's probably because you can think about it and assemble your thoughts. in conversation you are having to listen, take in the question, frame your thoughts, transfer that to an answer. Plus listen when you are feeling uncomfortable which takes more effort.

It takes me quite a while to type a reply here, because I can spend time trying to find the right words & trying to get my meaning across.

Not sure DH is 100% happy about me just going for the day, but then he said I should just do what I think is best. He said did I want to go somewhere/do something, so that I wasn't just swooping being stuck inside the ward for being stuck inside the house. But I kind of think going anywhere that's not the ward is actually quite a big thing.

This afternoon my urges & associated anxiety were very bad. Nurse gave me a lorazepam, which I've been saying doesn't do anything anyway. After 30 mins I was still bad, so the nurse actually bleeped the duty doc. He came along and gave me 50mg promethazine. I've never had it before, but it has actually helped to calm things down, so that's good.

What has everyone else been up to?

I've been at hospital today, too. Just taking my DM for a follow-up appointment, after laser surgery on her eyes. Everything is fine, with that bit of her body, at least.

Is the promethazine something you could take regularly (if needed)?

Glad your mum's doing well.

I'm not sure if I could take it more often, I'll have to ask tomorrow. They've made me quite tired, & I've just had my bedtime meds so hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight for a change.

I've got sunburnt! I spent an hour sat on a bench in the sun, reading a book. I'd walked to the bus stop (which was bad because I'm not supposed to go off the grounds - would prob get in a lot of trouble if they found out.) but then I remembered that I'd seen a bench tucked away behind the building & I turned around & went to it.

You've had some fresh air then! poor you! Is it sore??

Well done for going back.

It's a bit sensitive, but not too bad. Kind of nice really.

Tomorrow is the day I go home for the day. DH is coming to pick me up & he's got the day off work, & the kids are at nursery. So hopefully I'll be able to keep my compulsions under control. I shouldn't be by myself at all, so thinking about it it should really be easier than being in the hospital. I hope.

I rather liked Zipadi's idea of a Naughty Imp. If it starts again with the bad stuff, just tell it to FOTTFSOF,ATFOSM
(hope I got that correct - it's not in the Official List of MN Acronyms )

What on earth does that mean?!

No, not obvious. And only on Mumsnet
F off to the far side of F, and then F off some more!

Here's you, talking about your sunburn . . . and on other threads posters are complaining about blizzards

That acronym is fabulous!!

I'm hoping you have a good day at home. Don't find it too tiring.

I hug washing out today. For some reason that always makes me feel awfully domesticated and mature!

Glad you could get out and actually read a book (albeit getting sunburnt) I can't concentrate long enough to read a book apart from when I am on holiday, plus if there is a family tree in the inside cover too many characters to remember, that's a bummer! Excuse my English

I took my Dad to the hospital church this morning with my sister, it was very emotional (dad has Dementia) although we had to laugh when he spat his communion bread out cause he couldn't swallow it!

Hope you can relax at home tomorrow Criminy, sun tan lotion n all! And no sneaking a practice on a shire horse getting one up on us. But... You can sit in the garden with a Cadburys Cream Egg!

Haha just read your post Lammily, my English is cleaner than yours apart from in my head 1

Eva, picture in my mind hugging washing out! Hmm (yes I know what you meant)

Right Sooz "get to sleep" (1 sheep 2 sheep 3 sheep 4 sheep........101) oh dear it's Monday!