I can't stop thinking

[Criminy]

I've name changed from my usual name for this.

I can't stop thinking about killing myself. It's all I can think about. It feels like a compulsion.

I've tried looking at various webpages, but they just don't seem to work for my situation. They talk about suicide being a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", as apparently depression is a temporary problem. Well it doesn't seem to be a temporary problem for me, & I can't remember a time when I felt better. And the advice to think of something you like doing/think back to a time when you were happy is just rubbish because there isn't anything I enjoy doing & I can't think of a time I didn't feel like this. All I can think of is suicide. I don't know what to do.

Hi all, have been in the throes of Moving House (with a side issue of Connecting to a BT Hotspot).

Criminy you are doing so well, I would agree you need to get PALS informed, it is ridiculous for them to mess around with your meds without the input of your neurologist. I think you said you're not under a section - someone who is, is entitled to an Independent Mental Health Advocate, though the system is, unsurprisingly, overloaded.

I was in with hypomania last year, which confirmed my diagnosis as bi-polar - I was OK with this, but had to resist being prescribed lithium, and am on dekapote and quetiapine instead.

Then they said they would discharge me on leave - but to a half-way house where I'd have had to spend all day on buses to get home and back (I live alone). It was my CPN who sat with me on that consultation - and helped convince the psych to discharge me on leave to my house instead.

So I know it's a battle, when really it shouldn't be Have a and a [cig] with me...

MN is too healthy for a [cig] smiley. Perhaps you could roll your own, with some

Oh, I do

Sorry for not being around, had a hard couple of days. Went home for the day Monday. Compulsions have been very strong. This evening the compulsions were unbearable, then I went into the lounge to find that somebody had moved all the furniture about. I know it sounds stupid, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back and tipped me over into actively suicidal.I was a bit mad because it was too late to go to the tracks, & so had to come up with new idea. Staff found me in the planning stage & I'm now back on level 2 obs again - having someone watching me all the time.

Oh, you poor love! You're going round in circles, aren't you?
I really hope they find some suitable meds to calm you down a bit.

Oh Criminy, so sorry you are having a tough time, I hope they can find a magic tablet for you soon

Morning Criminy. I'm sorry the compulsion got so strong. I wonder if it was returning home because that was a change in routine again. I wish they would address your Aspergers and how that's effecting things. The visit and furniture together were a lot for you to manage and I'm not surprised you ended up on overload.
I hope the urges quieten down today and you get a rest from it. Thinking of you lots

Today's not been too bad. On the one hand Level 2 is bad because its further from being well/going home, but on the other it's sort of good because I just can't act on any compulsions, it's almost like a rest.

I was thinking about the Aspergers side of things. I think it's quite common to get obsessions with things, what if it's just that my obsession is with killing myself?

I guess you could be "re-programmed" into another obsession. What do you fancy? One Aspie friend of mine does ultra-marathons. Does that appeal to you

My mum has apparently found a therapist who does CBT & specialises in Aspergers, along with suicidal thoughts. She's trying to book me an appt with them.

Ultra-marathon?! I can't even run 50 yards!

Glad you're mom has found that.

I couldn't run to the end of the street either!!

Cross stitch obsession?

*your.

Cross-stitching is still going strong, I'm doing it right now. Cross-stitch + music is quite good for distracting myself from mild-moderate compulsions.

That's beautiful work Criminy.

Wow, Criminy - that's fantastic! Really lovely!

OMGoodness Criminy that is so pretty, Takes a lot of concentration, you must have good eye sight and fab patience, I am helping my little girl knit bracelets for charity at the moment, so simple just my level, I can now knit 3 in 1 hour, so quick!

Running is bad for you It makes me physically sick! (horse riding hurts fannyadam) oops pardon me!

Criminy hope you continue to relax with your level 2 observations.
Now I must get up!!!!!

I've been really stupid and really hurt my hands. The last couple of days the compulsion to strangle myself has been getting very strong in the evenings, and I've been getting very anxious. The nurses have been giving me lorazepam, but it doesn't seem to do anything.

I've been that anxious that I've been scratching the backs of my hands - not with the intent to hurt them, just because being anxious has made me scratch. But now I've got fairly large areas on the backs of both hands that I've scratched the skin off of so they're just raw. They look like big burns. And they really bloody hurt, so stupid.

They've put me back down to level 3 today (15 min obs), so we'll see what happens. The trouble I have with this is that yes, I should be ok if I'm left by myself for just 15 mins. But it's never 15 mins, it's anywhere between 30 & 90 mins, & I'm not sure I'll be ok left for that long. Pfah.

I was thinking of maybe trying knitting when I finish this cross-stitch, will see how I go.

Hope everyone's having a good day

Stop calling yourself "stupid", Criminy. You are NOT stupid, SH is just your way of dealing with those out-of-control thoughts, to feel calmer. Have the nurses dressed your hands?

They didn't do anything about the first hand (scratched it a couple of days ago), but the second one a nurse put a dressing on last night. He put it on to stop me sub-consciously scratching at it any more. I've taken it off now though because the wound is very wet & had stuck to the dressing.

Think I'm going to have to put some cream or similar on the first hand because it's scabbed over now but because it's fairly large it keeps pulling and cracking.

I think I feel even more stupid because I didn't set out to hurt them. I was just scratching (I guess like a sub-conscious nervous tic?) & the injury was just a by-product of that.

The nurse who dressed my hand yesterday talked to me a bit yesterday, I think he was trying to work out what risk I posed to myself. I told him I really needed to go & strangle myself, but I didn't want to & was trying really hard not to, & that's what was making me anxious. I told him exactly what I was going to do & he asked me if I'd done it before, I said yes.

That nurse just took me out for 4pm smoke break, he asked how I was doing now. I told him I still have the urge to go & strangle myself, I've practised a bit over the last week or so & think I've worked out the best method. He asked if he should be worried, I said probably not, I can keep pushing it back at the moment.

Savlon do a really good "Healing Gel". It's not the ordinary white cream, but a hydro-colloid gel. It helped my nose to heal when I did a face plant last year, just walking back from a cafe. My brand new glasses were ruined though!

At about 7pm one of the nurses came up to me & said that since I start to have real problems with my anxiety in the evening maybe if I had some lorazepam at 7pm maybe it would nip it in the bud. I still don't think lorazepam does anything though, but I took it anyway.

It's starting to become more difficult to suppress the urges now though. I know in the past they've said I should tell them when I'm struggling, but they're always all busy & there's nothing they actually do anyway. Hate this. Hate myself for being like this.

Could they give you some more promethazine? Or would they need to call the duty doc to prescribe it? That worked for you last week, didn't it?

I'm wondering why the evening is worse. Is it because you've less to do or more tired so it's harder to resist. Don't feel bad about talking to them. Maybe if they just upped your obs during the evenings.

I know you're so frustrated. Are you having visitors this weekend?

They'd have to call the duty doc for promethazine. I think I'll try to ask about the possibility of getting it on my med card tomorrow.

I was walking up & down the ward, listening to music. It was keeping the urges under control. Then one of the nursing assistants ordered me to go & sit in the lounge, by the window so she could see me. She made me feel like a naughty school-kid. That completely set me off & I started crying & scratching again.

I'm not sure exactly why evenings are generally worse (I have had the odd 11am crisis!). I think it's maybe because I've been trying all day to suppress/ignore the compulsions, and I just get tired. Maybe also it's more difficult to distract myself in the evening as less going on.

My mum's coming to visit tomorrow, but no other visitors planned for any time.