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Original poster

To not bother much with christmas because it's only ds, dh and me?

232 replies

Biggamehunter · 10/11/2014 21:52

I'm feeling really depressed at the moment. I was planning in trying to make the best if christmas but something's happened today that although only small really has knocked me for six.

I really cannot be bothered with christmas this year. It just does not seem worth the effort. All that build up for just one day. And it's only the three of us, it barely seems worth the pretence that we are a normal happy family like everyone else.

Wibu to just do the absolute bare minimum? Few gifts but no tree or special lunch or anything? What's the point really? Even if it is vaguely cheery the other 364 days of the year are fucking miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biggamehunter · 11/11/2014 23:18

I don't want to go back but everyone else I know manages so I feel like I should too. It seems a cop out not to now ds is at school.
Plus I feel so useless all the time at the moment, like I'm not adding value anywhere. Just taking all the time.
Financially I shouldn't need to go back but dh is not very fair with his money so it wouldn't hurt to have a little of my own.
The thought of arranging fertility treatment around work stresses me out massively and the thought of ds in breakfast club stresses me out massively. Although probably irrationally. And because I will be working in a school I will miss out on nativities, sports days etc and that makes me very sad.

OP posts:
Frogme · 11/11/2014 23:32

Well done for making the appointment. I am rather worried that the wait is too long. I think you should just email them that you are feeling suicidal and that you really need to speak to a female doctor urgently. Do you think you could do that?

You are expecting too much of yourself. You are just as ill as if you had a broken body. At the moment your mind is temporarily broken. You wouldn't struggle on with a physical ailment. You'd insist on immediate attention. Please don't stuggle on emotionally. That needs just as urgent treatment.

i think some relationship counselling might also be a good idea. Your DH needs to be on board with how you are feeling too, in order to support you through this. He doesn't seem to be doing too good a job at the moment. An impartial third party could help him help you.

MillionToOneChances · 12/11/2014 00:38

Given what you've said about your DH in the past though, perhaps best to see the GP without giving the idiot him a chance to try to talk you out of it.

I love the suggestion above about emailing explaining how you're feeling and asking for an appointment sooner. Failing that (because I know you're concerned about your privacy) the receptionist doesn't have a legal right to know why you want to see the doctor. You could phone for an emergency appointment "I need to see a female doctor about a very urgent and extremely private problem"...

CariadsDarling · 12/11/2014 01:47

Biggamehunter, the anxiety that you're feeling is part of the depression.

IsItMeOr · 12/11/2014 08:47

Agree that your level of anxiety is a cause for concern.

Depression and anxiety seem to go very much hand in hand. If you get some help, it should settle down a lot.

Something that helps me is to remember that, with something like work, you're not making a plan that has to last forever.

So, if it doesn't work with fertility treatment, you can always resign/take leave/etc when that happens.

That way, you only need to make a plan that works with the way things are now (and predictable risks, like DS having a regular bug that means you or DH need to take time off work), rather than having to worry about every possible eventuality.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 12/11/2014 08:58

Going back to work sucks. I know some ppl cant wait to get back, so its just my own experience, but Ive known lots of women who really struggle with it.
But it does get easier.
Good luck with the Gp.

Iwasinamandbunit · 12/11/2014 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 09:25

Dh won't pay for counselling and I can't afford to.

I'm torn regarding work because on one hand I feel like I'm letting ds down again by putting him in childcare but on the other maybe I won't feel so absolutely useless if I'm contributing something to the family.
I am worried how I will cope, I don't sleep very well and most nights am awake until 3ish. I quite often get up and check on ds repeatedly too. Last night I think I got about 2 hours sleep. I suspect the fact that this is causing a permanent headache is making me feel worse during the day. And making me even less rational.

It's true that it doesn't have to be forever but I'm pretty certain once I go back dh won't be keen on me leaving. Financially I won't be any better off personally as dh won't give me any money once I start work, in fact I may even be worse off once I've paid for ds's childcare. But at least I won't owe dh anything because it will be my money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 09:31

I could have had six sessions included in the price of each cycle but they were in the evening and the clinic is an hour away. Dh often isn't home until 6ish and he wouldn't have ds for me. He said 'will it make you pregnant? Then what's the point?' So I didn't go.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 12/11/2014 09:33

Oh for god's sake, LTB. He'll have to give you money then. He is a big cause of your depression. You're only staying with him because you want another child, but he is actually infertile.

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 09:35

He would have to pay more in child maintenance than he's ever given to me it true.
But I can't right now, I just can't.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 12/11/2014 09:40

You really need to get some support. I wonder if women's aid could help you? You don't feel strong enough to leave, but a lot of that is down to how your DH treats you. Honestly, I know how strong the desire for a child can be. But you actually have as much chance of finding someone else and having a child with them as you do of having a child with your DH. Don't let that desire keep you with a man who treats you so badly.

muphys · 12/11/2014 10:27

OP, your marriage does not sound good. Is the urge to have another baby compensation for what you don't have in your marriage? Have you thought about how you will cope with ds and a new baby, without dh.

I don't understand when you say you do not have a 'proper' family upthread. What is your understanding of a proper family?

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 10:31

A proper family is happy, they look after each other and support each other. They don't bargain with each other to get their own way.
They do things together.

OP posts:
muphys · 12/11/2014 10:41

OP. I do think that what you post regarding how a family should be, is more like how you would like your marriage to be... You are putting ds into the same category as you are your dh. Your ds cannot look after you and support you - but your dh can. Whether he will, this is the issue here isn't it OP?

I think taking a break to your parents is a great idea. Then maybe your mind will be clearer to think about why you think that if you have a new baby, it will make your marriage better...

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 10:49

I don't expect ds to do those things...I want dh to behave like that to ds.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 12/11/2014 10:56

So is your DH not nice to DS either?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/11/2014 11:01

OP your husband sounds like an abusive arsehole.

Talk to your parents, I except they are aware of more than you realise. Pretty clear what happened to your promising start in life if this is the kind of person you are sharing your life with.

I'm so happy for you that you've made this GP appointment. Tell them everything, it doesn't matter if you cry in front of them, they are used to that and won't judge you at all. Best of luck.

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 11:01

No it isn't that he isn't nice to him...he loves him. It's that he doesn't necessarily put ds first. Everything is always my responsibility regarding ds and has been since he was born.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 12/11/2014 11:07

Don't you think that nice fathers put their children first? And participate in parenting? Is there anything other then the prospect of another baby that keeps you with your DH? What would he say if you asked him to leave?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/11/2014 11:44

Oh love this guy you're married to is an utter dick and is a big part of why you are struggling right now. Please talk to someone, women's aid can help you.

nochangewanted · 12/11/2014 11:50

I am going to say what you don't want to hear.. Under no circumstances should you be even thinking about a baby right now. Your Marriage sounds like there are lots of issues in there. You are depressed. Fertility treatment is a bit of a roller coaster and putting yourself through when you are emotionally fragile is far too difficult esp as there is a chance of failure.

You are going to have same stesses and strains if another one comes along , with another set of sleepless nights, less money.

If you can't put the needs of one child first you definately can't for two. That is not to say I don't think these things need can't be resolved but there are more and more issues coming out and I think the fertility needs to take a back burner until you are in a better place

CiderwithBuda · 12/11/2014 11:56

Is your DH angry that you haven't gotten pregnant again?

Tbh from what you have said it sounds like you and DS would be a happy little family on your own without him dragging you down. He sounds like he is massively contributing to your depression.

I have one DS. He is 13. Conceived through IVF. Tried again but it didn't work. I feel sad that we only have one sometimes. He did ask about siblings sometimes. But when he was about 7 or 8 he decided he was glad that he didn't have siblings. He saw his cousins and friends having to share things and realised that he didn't. His exact words were "my friends are jealous as they have to share toys and they get broken but I don't, I am living the dream". Thankfully he is past the totally selfish stage now! But he is still happy.

And siblings don't always get on. I have sisters and two of them are quite close in age and like chalk and cheese and really don't get on.

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 12/11/2014 11:58

I don't know...maybe.
Our issue is male factor though. Although apparently my previous c section may not be helping either.

He loves ds, it's just in some ways like he hasn't really grown up himself. He doesn't do well with 'serious' issues.
I am feeling better today.

OP posts:
temporaryusername · 12/11/2014 12:14

He said 'will it make you pregnant? Then what's the point?' So I didn't go.

I know this sounds extreme, but that tells us everything we need to know. It already seemed that he was not seeing you as a human being, and here he has outright confirmed it - in his opinion your feelings and wellbeing aren't relevant. He is not a partner to you in any way, he doesn't care about how you feel mentally or physically, and he regards his income as 'his' rather than the family's. I agree with nochange - do not have another child with this man. You and your ds will be more like a proper family living as the two of you. He is breaking you, and your ds will suffer as a result of his lack of care for you as well as him. You don't have to give up hope for a second baby, but you won't have to be put in this position of trying to balance work and the treatment, and coping with a hostile man in your home. If he was a man you should be having another child with, he would be supporting you, making sure you had the counselling, making sure you were in the right position to cope with the treatment rather than pressuring you about work. He would be reassuring you that pregnancy or not, work or not, you are loved and valuable.