To not bother much with christmas because it's only ds, dh and me?

[Biggamehunter]

I'm feeling really depressed at the moment. I was planning in trying to make the best if christmas but something's happened today that although only small really has knocked me for six.

I really cannot be bothered with christmas this year. It just does not seem worth the effort. All that build up for just one day. And it's only the three of us, it barely seems worth the pretence that we are a normal happy family like everyone else.

Wibu to just do the absolute bare minimum? Few gifts but no tree or special lunch or anything? What's the point really? Even if it is vaguely cheery the other 364 days of the year are fucking miserable.

Agree with every other poster and plead that you get some help now with your MH problems. You are clearly extremely depressed and no amount of advice from a parenting forum is going to help you.
I can assure you that you are certainly not alone in your situation and that 99% of people don't find it easy to have children. Fertility problems and miscarriage sadly effect a lot of people. My uncle and his wife have had 8 rounds of privately funded IVF and lost twins at 18 weeks. They are now in their late 40s and have had to accept they will not be parents. Counselling helps a lot.
You have a beautiful 5 year old son who is healthy and happy-you ARE lucky. You just can't see it through your depression.

Biggame You've had a lot of support on your threads but I am getting really frustrated now because you're just not listening. I really genuinely feel for you but you need to get help for the sake of your son even if you don't feel you're worth it.
It's completely natural to feel desperately sad in your situation. It's not natural to want to tear up all your son's baby pictures. You're making it glaringly obvious to him that he's not enough for you.Secondary infertility is devastating but it doesn't usually make people unable to enjoy the child/ren they already have.
Lots of posters have shared their stories about recovering from depression - I tried to kill myself in the depths of a severe depressive episode and very nearly succeeded. My DCs were 6 and 4 at the time. In my deluded state of mind, I genuinely thought that I was doing DH and them a favour as I was nothing but a burden to them. I left DH a note telling him to find someone else so that the children could have a proper mum.
It took a long time to recover but I got there and so can you.
You said that your DS is unfortunate to be born into your family. Well, he was born into your family, you went to great lengths to have him so you owe it to him to get help. You may never entirely lose your sense of sadness about not having a second child but you will be able to enjoy the child you have.

Your dh doesn't have to know you're getting help for depression.

Just go to the gp. You can feel better and have a normal life.
Do it for yourself and your lovely family.

He would be though wouldn't he? At least he could move on then instead of being stuck with me. He'd get a second chance. Maybe dh would meet someone else. Maybe they'd be able to give ds a sibling.

Dear OP
I read some of your previous threads for a little more info.
I have some understanding of mh issues and wonder if you have considered talking therapy.
You previously worry you have no bond with your child following a traumatic birth. You express anxiety and conflict about having another but focus on fertility issues. You are anxious about your child eating, safety and seek validation on the trips and toys you provide.
You clearly care deeply but seem to punish yourself for not having a perceived bond.
You may be seeking to do over your initial parenting experience with a new pregnancy.
You might well be dealing with depression poss post natal or reactive and PTSD.
Think about asking your GP for referal to IAPT or another provider and consider medication in the interim. Don't over plan Christmas. It isn't competitive. Try and relax, be low key and do things you,your son and partner enjoy. A small tree, lights and a stocking. A nice meal and Disney films are magical when you are 5.

I did not say that he would be better off without you. He needs you, his mother, to love him and make an effort for him.

Sod what your DH thinks about anti-depressants, he isn't the one who needs to take them.

He would most definitely not be better off without you. He would bear mental scars for ever if you were to disappear from his life. Don't kid yourself that he will be better off without you. He won't. Kids love their parents, and need them, no matter what they are like. Even crap parents are better than absent ones. Your son needs you. Not anyone else.

What he does need though is for you to talk to the doctor.

OP it's very clear that you need to seek help from your GP for your mental health issues. You sound so badly depressed, and fixated on having another child. Sometimes when depressed we obsess about the things that we can't change/can't have instead of enjoying what we do have.

If you have a health issue, you go to the GP. If you have several issues you may go several times- that's why the NHS is there! It's not a one problem only service.

What would make it easier for you to go and see the doctor? Some ideas:-

1. ask your DH (if he's supportive) to make the appointment and go with you.
2. write down what you need to say (or if easier print out your thread with your posts highlighted).
3. don't worry if you cry- they've seen it all before
4. know that if the GP is not supportive, you can ask to see someone else instead.

Look, I've been in that black hole of despair, in fact I'm constantly fighting against it but I engage with the help that's out there, I take my ADs and go for counselling/CBT. You can access the support you need if you just ask.

My DDs are my reason for getting help- but when in the pits I feel they're better off without me and that I'm failing them. Well, I might be getting more wrong than right, I don't know, but I keep trying- I'm still here, I love them and do my best.

What will be your motivation for getting help?

That would be the best Christmas present for you and your DS.

Could you clarify what you believe the people on this thread are advising you to do? What has been the main, nearly unanimous advice?

biggamehunter please get some professional help for this. You know in your heart that your DS wouldn't be better off without you - how many times do you need to hear it from this thread? 100 times? 200?

I am 40. My marriage broke down about 18 months ago, largely thanks to years of unsuccessful TTC. My ex is having Christmas with his new girlfriend and her kids, while I'm spending Christmas with my mum and dad, who will be pedalling as hard as 70-year-olds can to give me - their overgrown, childless child - a happy, grown-up Christmas. I'm sure they'd secretly prefer to be opening presents with grandchildren; I know I would. It looks like now I never will. But for the sake of the love we have for each other, we're celebrating the family we do have, not wishing for something that isn't there. That's really what Christmas is, isn't it? Celebrating what we have?

Please, please call the GP and get some help, for the sake of your little boy who probably sees far more than you realise, but can't understand it at all.

It's fine Alibaba. I agree with you. Believe me I love my son. I want him to be happy. I've often thought he would be happier without me.

Woah!!!! Everyone who is going with the tough love approach PLEASE stop. I know you mean well but honestly, it's not appropriate here.

Bigga, I am walking in your shoes here. Chronic health condition that's done a number on me since 18. Felt pretty suicidal for decades, tried twice but thankfully unsuccessfully. Met my wonderful DP in my late 30's and fell pregnant after a few months. Finally I loved my body again, it worked! I was in a total bubble. My pregnancy was amazing and flawless, my son is the light of my life. Then secondary fertility kicked our arse hard

I have had 18 months of TTC, two miscarriages and I am 40 in a few months. There is nothing we can do. My partner is an only and doesn't want that for DS. I come from a small family, only extended family is far away and elderly, it's crap but it's our reality. On the whole I am coping really well, but Christmas is extremely difficult for me. I often fantasise about just running away and not celebrating. But I do it for my son and my partner and always enjoy it once I am in the midst of it.

When you are depressed 'happy' occasions can be torture, I totally understand. I also understand you wanting to avoid help for your mental health as to your mind, if you could just have another baby, everything would be fine. I'm not sure if that's true hand on heart, but again I understand the mindset.

I think counselling actually would be really beneficial for you as it goes. You need to get to a point I think where you leave IVF to one side and instead think about finding some peace with what you have and still TTC but naturally and without pressure. Unfortunately IVF can become almost an addiction where the Gambler has already invested so much money, that they can't quit as otherwise the debt was for nothing. That's one of the reasons I have decided not to walk that road, there is too much heartache at the end of it.

I know I haven't helped in the slightest but I want you to know I get it, I feel your pain, and I empathise with you. Please think about accessing some counselling, there is some very specific infertility therapy out there, I know there are places in London, not sure where you are based.

You are wrong. Could you clarify what you believe the people on this thread are advising you to do? What has been the main, nearly unanimous advice?

You are in a bad place, but you are not one in a million. I only have one with no chance of having another. And i am on my own. It did upset me, but it made me determined to have a extra close bond with my ds.
And there are plenty of people going through ivf that have no children and having to accept that they will never be a mum, have Christmas mornings and have the chances of building memories that you are throwing away with both hands.
you say that your child is upset because he wants a sibling.. I bet he wants his mum more.

So 'D'H isn't supportive- that's probably not helping your mental health.

You can take ADs without him knowing. Ask for counselling (my IAPT team do phone consultations of you can't get there physically).

Depression is a serious illness and if you are having suicidal thoughts then you need help urgently. Please try and take that first step.

Although, obviously, having typed all that, it's clear that Christmas is really just the tip of a very sad iceberg - please let this be the catalyst to get help, biggame. This is more than just 'feeling down'. If you had a broken arm, you wouldn't leave it to heal by itself.

OP
I have not read any other threads of yours so I am simply responding to your postings here.
I went through LOTS of ivf and miscarriages.
I now have a lovely family - I am lucky
(though it has left me with ongoing health problems which I hadn't anticipated).

But I know the almost mind bending longing for a sibling.
Craving another child almost more than you craved the first as you know now how wonderful the arrival of a new life can be.

BUT I - and YOU - cannot allow the longing for those siblings to cloud the emotional time and energy available for the children who are already here.

Your son needs YOU.
Hug him, play with him, talk to him, read to him, take him for a walk.
You are his world and you are 'good enough' for him.
He might LIKE a sibling but he doesn't NEED one.
He does need YOU though and no one else can take your place.

My son is already 10. There are things I would like to have the chance to do differently (many). I find it hard to look back on baby pics of him, because I see how quickly he has grown and how fast time flies.
It is gone in a flash.
Cherish every day with him.

he won't be happier without you. he just wants a simple happuy presents decorated tree Christmas...
you owe it to him and yourself to get help.
that is what the nhs is for.

no one will begrudge you getting the intense help you need tog et you out of this hole.

a family of three is valid and just as good as bigger families.

have you talked to your dh? it must be hard for him too. he must be desperate not knowing how to help you - because you need professional input.

please, do this - phone the Samaritans right now? they will listen to you. theya re there day and night. talk it through.

call 08457 90 90 90
or email [email protected]

Christ the irony. You are ruining your DC's childhood because you are desperate for another DC.

Please get some help, OP, it's not fair on you or your lovely family.

If you left your son he would cry into his pillow every night and ask for his mother. It would devastate him.

He would NOT be better off without you.

You need to be brave and make yourself happier, and accept that one child is still a family - for your DS it is his whole world. You must stop thinking there is only one way to have a happy family - there are many many ways to have a happy family.

There is nothing else any of us can say to help really. The only thing that is going to help is you seeking professional advice and going to see your GP as advised by everyone here. We can't march you down there, you need to find some strength and resolve and do it yourself for the sake of your little boy if you can't do it for yourself.

If you really think he will be better off being abandoned by his mother and that this will not effect him for the rest of his life then you are mistaken. He loves you unconditionally. Give him the opportunity to have a mummy who is healthy and happy. Time to focus on getting better. You are in no fit state to go through a pregnancy at this time, and having another child is not going to solve every issue you have going on.

So your son doesn't get Christmas because he isn't enough for you?

Fucking hell.

I am an only child. I also asked about siblings when I was about your son's age. I did not get them. I also asked about getting a dog. Ditto. To this day I do not know if my parents tried to have more children or not. That is not something I needed to know then, or now. Crucially I always, always felt that I was enough for my mother. Our Christmases were small, but in my memory they are golden.

Your son will be perfectly happy with or without a sibling. Not having a sibling will not mess him up. You are massively projecting your own issues on to him. Losing his mother on the other hand really would mess him up. You are the centre of his world. You cannot shuffle him off elsewhere on Christmas Day, as he will wonder what he has done wrong. Please OP, do not make your son suffer when you can so easily help him, by helping yourself.

Yes probably a good thing I'm hopelessly infertile since I'm such a shit mother anyway. Maybe it's god's way of telling me. Everything happens for a reason as people always tell me.

I will make sure ds has a great christmas. You are all right. Why should he have to miss out. He's already missing out on enough by being a lonely one. It'll be crap because I can never make up for a sibling but I will try my best. My parents are great with him and mil loves him to death too. So I'm sure they will step in where I am unable to at times.

Actually I find this thread quite upsetting so think I'll have to leave for now.

I really hope the OP can get the help she needs.