To not bother much with christmas because it's only ds, dh and me?

[Biggamehunter]

I'm feeling really depressed at the moment. I was planning in trying to make the best if christmas but something's happened today that although only small really has knocked me for six.

I really cannot be bothered with christmas this year. It just does not seem worth the effort. All that build up for just one day. And it's only the three of us, it barely seems worth the pretence that we are a normal happy family like everyone else.

Wibu to just do the absolute bare minimum? Few gifts but no tree or special lunch or anything? What's the point really? Even if it is vaguely cheery the other 364 days of the year are fucking miserable.

Just put Christmas aside for the moment, your mental health is the priority. It could be the fertility treatment hormonally altering your mood - you need to see your GP / fertility Consultant urgently and tell them how depressed you are. Your Son would prefer to have a Mum rather than a perfect Christmas.

Please seek the help you need, I have a 5yr old only son too!

Having said that, you CAN change this now. You have time. You can make sure you and your son never have those regrets.
Will you choose to get help? Will you fake a smile and give your boy some lasting memories?

Haven't commented up until now, but can't not any longer.
PLEASE get some help op. Your GP will help. Tell him what you have said on here.
I have been in a similar position (depression for totally different reasons) and just did not understand how anyone could help. I saw my GP, I was referred to a councillor there and then. Put on antidepressants. I was scared, and still in denial that it would help. But it did. It turned my life around. I look back and can't believe how much things have changed.
What harm can it do to just have a conversation? Call Samaritans if you feel you can't see someone face to face. You clearly can't go on like this.
You are enough for your DS. You are his mummy, his world. Please get help for his sake if nothing else. You owe it to him, and yourself.

A sibling is important to you but not to him. He probably said that no more seriously than saying he wanted fish fingers for tea. It was a fleeting feeling that you are hanging onto to validate your own feelings. He doesn't need siblings. He does need you, preferably a you who is willing to go to the doctors for him

He wants his mother-not a hypothetical sibling. Do get help-today.

What lacksdirection said upthread ^

YANBU, however, I would still do christmas to the best of my ability for my DS sake. After all, these are memories.

Your mental health is the problem, not your secondary infertility. I have one DS, it took us four years to have him and realistically he will always be an only child. He thinks he would love a sibling and DH and I would both love another baby, but it's fine that it won't happen. We love Christmas. We are a proper family. I am more or less happy to accept that I won't have more children. You know why? Because I'm not clinically depressed. You are. If you get help for that, you can begin to accept your family the way it is. You can appreciate your son and being a mother for the wonderful thing it is. You can give your son the childhood he deserves.

Having experienced secondary infertility, I really do understand how all consuming the desire for another child can become.

Please seek help with this, if your GP is unhelpful try:

www.bica.net/

or other counsellors / psychotherapists local to you.

Believe me, Christmas is difficult for many people, I find it highlights the losses and desires that we all carry with us, and can be a time of great pain. For me, I feel for the loss of a father who never saw me grow up, and never met my children, for the loss of my husband who died when his children were toddlers, and the pain of a disabled child for whom Christmas can be scary and distressing. yet Christmas is still a magical time in our house, I focus on the hope and joy that it can give us all. Whose lives are perfect? Whose families are "proper"? Certainly no-one I know.

The only one who can change things is you. You need to seek help. You may not be able to change the situation (infertility) but you can change the way you think about it. You can also seek treatment for your depression, regardless of how your DH feels about it, if you have a medical condition you can, and should be getting treatment. If your GP is not helpful - see another one.

BigGame

"you are all right, my son deserves more...".

NO. NO. NO.

Your son deserves YOU. Flawed, imperfect, 'rubbish' jold YOU.
You are 'good enough'.

He needs as much of you as he can get / you can offer.

Your depression is a barrier.

Get help to get it down and out of the way between you.

Firstly you do sound depressed and need to see GP...However you are also been Very unreasonable to you DS.

You are projecting your feeling onto your DS...My DS asked santa for a sister last year...He isn't having one.. He is not a deprived child but an only child. He has all sorts of advantages been an only child.

There will be DS and I this christmas and it will be special because he deserves it. Yes your son deserves a christmas tree, presents and a magical time. As for not wanting to see real families you really dont know how disrespectful you sound. I often have to take DS to events without a Dad, people have had miscarraiges , unable to concieve, children that have lost parents, that are in care....Your DS deserve you to put in some effort ,paint on a smile if you need to.. You also need to give yourself opportunities to change your mood.

I am afraid as low as you may feel if you don't go to docs and sort this out you are not doing right by your child . What would you do if you have 2 children? Things get us down in life, sometimes depression needs medical help but not trying to get help you are been very selfish.

I know that you don't believe you are 'good enough'.

But, trust me, your son wouldn't swap you for anyone else.

Please try to access help for the depression.
I know it's hard.
I know it's not easy to access sometimes.
But YOU and your son are SOOOOOOOOOO worth it.x.x.x.

OP - women with severe depression physically hurt themselves and sometimes their children when things get really bad.

Please, please get some help.

OP, I have one child because my husband refused to have another. And yes, tbh, sometimes it hurts like hell.

But what I DO have is a beautiful 5 year old boy who is the absolute light of our lives. Our proper little family of 3.

Think of the joy on your son's face when he opens his presents on Christmas morning. And his mother beside him, the person that he loves more than anyone in the world.

You need to make an appointment with your GP, today, and give your little boy the Christmas he deserves.

i cant imagine how you must feel. But you are hurting and your mood is very low. Im so sorry.

Your son loves you and he will be ok.
You need and deserve some help.
Im so sorry you ar so isolated by this. Your feelings can and should be addrssed. Your depression can be treated and there are, I promise you, many health professionals able and willing to help you.

You must see your GP-your thinking is really distorted by depression and you need help urgently for the sake of both yourself and your son.

Around the age 5 is when Christmas is at its most magical-dig as deep as you can to give your little boy a good time-at least a tree decorations,some presents and a visit to father Christmas.
If you really can't do it find anyone who will help you. Just do your very best and yes-you will have to act cheerful and fake it if necessary.

Hi there Biggamehunter - we're so sorry to hear that you're feeling so low.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. We're also just going to move your thread to mental health.

This thread has really upset me which has compelled me to post.

Firstly, I'm very sorry for your struggles. It must seem like the rest of the world is lucky and you aren't, but it's not the case. I'm one of the 99% who you say have no issue having kids - and no, I don't have fertility problems. But my daughter died. Pretty unlucky. Sill devastating. But I still have a family I need to go on for, and so do you.

you do not know that you won't have another child which is so important to remember. You need to keep yourself healthy for your DS AND your future babies. Just as if you broke a leg or had a bad cough you would get help, so you need to for your emotional health.

Your son may want a sibling, but he doesn't need one. But he needs his mum. It doesn't matter if you think you aren't good enough, of course you are because YOU ARE HIS MUM. There isn't anything better for a 5 year old. You are the most important person to him and you just can't take that away from him.

Please, please get help. Please make a list of what will make Christmas lovely for your son, and then force yourself to be the person there with him, not mil.

And yes, there is something to be said for being grateful for the child you have, alongside desperately wanting another. It's possible to be both. Do be grateful for him, and show him the love you are telling us you have for him.

Try and take the good out of this thread, and believe the many, many posts telling you that you and your partner are all your son needs. You say he deserves more - yes, but it's YOU he deserves. Your presence, your smile, your cuddles. Make a gp appt, then go and get ds from school, get the Argos catalogue, and start writing his letter to Father Christmas. And put a happy face on it. You can do it.

Please keep posting xxx

OP, the things you are saying are completely wrong. I'm not cross about that, because you are suffering from depression which is distorting your thinking. You need to get help for that, even if you think you shouldn't get help, ignore that and get it. Even if you think they can't help, ignore that and give it a try. You can't trust your own assessment of things when you are depressed. You have to force yourself to go against your feelings and get help.

You have to face the reality that your DS needs you, he won't be happy if you leave him, and no one can replace you. You are his mother, no one else. So either you will give him what he needs from his mother, or no-one will. He will not look back and think that being an only child was his problem, he will look back and think that his mother's depression and difficulty coming to terms with having one child was his problem. Worse, he may even blame himself.

You are not unlucky in the grand scheme of things. Many people have no children, despite wanting them, and also suffer daily struggles with severe disability and poverty. Many have no family at all, parents or siblings. I don't blame you for not being able to see all this right now, but you need to trust us that your perception is skewed. I am sorry you haven't had a second child yet, and perhaps won't ever do so. It is understandable to be sad and angry about that. It does not make you incredibly unlucky though. You have a lot to be happy about and with the right help, and a bit of time, you will see that. Don't through it all away. Think about if you had this second child, if you had two children. Would they only be worth it as a duo? Would the second child not be enough if it weren't for the pre existing sibling? Either children as individuals are worth loving and being happy about, or not. If not, two would not be worth it - they would be two individuals after all.

You can get past this Big, you have to do your best for the family you have. You may have another child but whether you do or not, do not throw away the life you have. It is far more than many will ever have.

I agree with PPs who say you need to make your mental health your total priority, way above Christmas and way above conceiving. At the rate you are going, if you did conceive you could have major mental health problems post natally.

I've made a gp appointment but can't get in with a female dr until the 25th November. But I have made it.

Until then I think I'm going to move out for a couple of weeks. My parents will have me I expect.

Well done for making that appointment. Well done .

Do you think you will manage till then? If not, I'm sure they could fit you in as an emergency. At this point it may be a case of a referral and a prescription for ADs, which are good to get started on as they take a while to kick in. You won't be made to take anything you don't want to though. You could also see the doctors near your parents as a temporary resident.

Dear God!

Is your son part of your plan or is he being left behind?

Hopefully if you make this move, your parents will take control of the situation and lay down the law as to what is happening next. With any luck they will look after you and your son till your health is better.

When you ring my dr's you have to tell them what's wrong if it's an emergency appointment. They won't let you make one otherwise. And it might not be a female dr then either, it'll just be whoever is available.

Dh will have to cope. I've coped loads of times when he's been away on business. If a man moved out no one would say anything, why is it worse to do so because I'm a woman?
I won't be damaging ds if I'm not here.

A huge, huge well done for making that appointment. If you can, you could always phone up sometimes to see if there's a cancellation.

All your DS wants is his mummy. Even if she's upset. Believe me I've been there with the worthlessness - TBH even today as I walked down to school my mind was wandering into horrible, destructive thoughts about how my DCs would be better off without me.

But they wouldn't, would they? I might be a crap mum but I love them and the thought of them being without me and them never forgiving me if I left them - it hurts. And that's enough to remind me to stay and to try and look after myself despite the fact I don't think I am in any way worth it.

Christmas is magical for 5yos with very little effort, I find. You don't really need to pretend anything. So please don't worry about that!

Biggame may I ask what your relationship was like with your Mother?

I had some very difficult periods in my own childhood. My parents had a very tumultuous relationship, my Father was EA and my Mother had three nervous breakdowns and after throwing herself from an upstairs window of our house ( with me watching as a 5/6 year old) she spent time in a Psychiatric ward.

I can remember being scared of her as her erratic behaviour worried me. But I loved her and when she was well she was my world. Fortunately she managed to turn her mental health around, without the aid of medication but with talking therapies, and she is now one of the strongest women I know. She is an amazing Grandmother and is young thinking, stunning for her years and altogether a fabulous person. If she had died that day that she fell, and she only didn't by sheer fluke - it was a three story townhouse, my life would have been totally horrendous with my Father trying to raise us himself. In fact I suspect we would have gone into care.

So please don't assume your role as Mother is worthless because you are depressed. Look at your son and try and see life through his eyes. You brought him into this world and the only people that truly love the bones of him is his family. Your MIL is an older lady, she won't be around forever, the key people in your sons life are you and your husband, don't destroy your son's life by contemplating taking your own.