To not bother much with christmas because it's only ds, dh and me?

[Biggamehunter]

I'm feeling really depressed at the moment. I was planning in trying to make the best if christmas but something's happened today that although only small really has knocked me for six.

I really cannot be bothered with christmas this year. It just does not seem worth the effort. All that build up for just one day. And it's only the three of us, it barely seems worth the pretence that we are a normal happy family like everyone else.

Wibu to just do the absolute bare minimum? Few gifts but no tree or special lunch or anything? What's the point really? Even if it is vaguely cheery the other 364 days of the year are fucking miserable.

Be proud of yourself for having the courage to make that appointment.

I hope you don't mind my posting someone else's words. I found it on the Internet a while ago and copied and pasted it to my ipad notes. I read it when the chips are down and I hope you find some comfort from it and understand that sometimes what we are feeling crap and overwhelmed, it isn't going to last forever.

When You Feel You Can’t Go On Please Hold On

by Tammie Byram Fowles, LISW, Ph.D

I’m sorry that you’re hurting so desperately right now. I know how painful the seconds, and minutes, and days can be, how long the nights are. I understand how very hard hanging on is, and how much courage it takes.

I ask though that you hold on to one day at a time. Just one day, and slowly this despair will pass. The feelings you fear you’re trapped in will serve their purpose, and then fade away.

Hard to imagine isn’t it? Almost impossible to believe when every cell in your body seems to cry out in agony, desperately in need of comfort. When it feels like the only thing in the whole world that can touch your pain and banish it is beyond your grasp.

And after all this time, the assurance that you will heal has become an empty broken promise. Just let one tiny cell in your body continue to believe in the promise of healing. Just one. You can surrender every other cell to your despair.

Just that one little cell of faith that you can heal and be whole again is enough to keep you going, is enough to lead you through the darkness. Although it can’t banish your suffering, it can sustain you until the time comes for you to let your pain go. And the letting go can only occur in its own time, as much as we would like to push the pain away forever.

Hold on. Hold on to appreciate the beauty of the earth, to feel the songs of the birds in your heart, to learn and to teach, to laugh a genuine laugh, to dance on the beach, to rest peacefully, to experience contentment, to want to be no other place but in the here and now, to trust in yourself, and to trust your life.

Hold on because it’s worth the terrible waiting. Hold on because you are worthy. Hold on because the wisdom that will follow you out of this darkness will be a tremendous gift.

Hold on because you have so much love and joy waiting to be experienced.
Hold on because life is precious, even though it can bring terrible losses.
Hold on because there is so much that you can not imagine waiting ahead on your journey – a destiny that only you can fulfill.

Hold on although you’re exhausted and your grasp is shaky, and you want more than anything to let go sometimes.
Please hold on.

So much in life can be difficult, even impossible to understand. I know, I know. So many of us have cried in despair, why? Why? And still the answers and the comfort failed to show.

Survival can be a long and lonely road, in spite of all those who’ve stumbled down the path before you. And it can be a treacherous, tortuous journey - so easy to get lost, and yet impossible to avoid even one painful step.

And the light, the light at the end of the dark tunnel for so long cannot be seen, although eventually you’ll begin to feel it’s warmth as you move forward. And forward you must move in order to get through the hell of remembering, of despair, of rage, of grief. Keep looking forward, please.

Rest if you must, doubt your ability to survive the journey if you have to, but never let go of the guide ropes, although when you close your fingers around them, your hands feel empty, they are there. Please trust me, they are there.

When you’re exhausted, when all you have to count on is weakened, weary faith, hold on.

When you think you want to die, hold on until you recognize that it’s not death you seek, but for the pain to go away.

Hold on, because this darkness will surely fade away.

Hold on for one more day.

Well done on making the appointment Biggame.

Do you live in a very small village? I only ask, because you seem worried about telling the receptionist why you need to see the GP. And I am just another pretty anonymous name on a page to the receptionist at our large group practice.

Either way, is a teeny bit of embarrassment with somebody who isn't super-important to you worth the risk to you and your family of having to wait two weeks?

Can you email or text with your appointment request, so that you don't actually have to speak to someone?

Do you have a friend who could make the call for you?

I say this as somebody who has had to ring back a receptionist because I was sobbing too much to say what I was ringing about .

My relationship with my parents has always been good. I had the best possible promising start.
I'm not sure how I got from that to the utter train wreck which is my life.

That's fab, I'm so pleased you have an appointment with a GP you feel comfortable with.

Your absence would be damaging to him long term, but if you need a bit of time without him at your parents' - and he's coped fine when DH has been away on business - then it would be sexist to suggest he couldn't cope without you for a similar period.

'I'm not sure how I got from that to the utter train wreck which is my life.'

Hormones are a powerful thing. Mine gave me a postnatal manic episode that was quite terrifying for those around me.

What train wreck? You can't have the second child you want and you're not very well right now.

Or is there something else you haven't mentioned?

I had the same kind of life experience as NewEraNewMindset. My childhood was a car crash to be quite frank but as long as my mum was with us it was ok even though it was her ill health that caused a lot in our life, In fact my mother died in our local psychiatric hospital when I was about 42. When she was well there was no other mum in the world like her, and when she was unwell the same applied. I adored her. She was my mum. She did leave us one time and when she came back I hid her coat so she couldn't go away again. She only left for two days. She'd had enough of my father who contributed to her mental health problems even though she also had bi-polar disorder. She was a fabulous granny, and a fabulous mum and if I can be half the mum and granny she was I'll be doing well. To this day I haven't gotten over her going. Im 56 now and life means I can understand why she did it, she wasn't well, but it was horrible. I will never forget the fear and the longing and making her put her coat on my bed when he came back so she couldn't go away again. Me and my sister were both in it and huddling up to each other, it was winter and there was no heating in those days but we were huddled up in fear and terror - her coat was wet with snow but we still insisted she covered us in it.

Dont do this to your son, yes you aren't well, but this is really going too far now.

No career, no real friends, not the family I wanted.
It sounds self pitying but there is genuinely not one area of my life that is ok. In fact it's so far from ok that ok is a teeny tiny spot on the horizon.

That sounds really tough Cariad x x very sad.

I think if you stop your life revolving around your very selfish need for a second child, and it is selfish because its demeaning what you have, that every other area in your life will blossom. You will do something career wise and you'll make new friends - and thats just the start of it.

Cariad is right. Due to my chronic health problem causing severe social anxiety I lost both my career and all my friends. So it's just me, my DP and my son.

If I can't have any more children I am determined to train to do something else that my social anxiety can't wreck. Honestly there are a lot of us out there who have fucked up lives and we just muddle on through best we can finding pleasure in the small things.

'Selfish' is a very emotive word. We understand why you're having difficulties, but otherwise Cariad is right and once you get this depression sorted out the rest of your life will fall into place.

What would you miss from your life now, if you lost those things/people/abilities, or had never had them?

not the family I wanted

I'm sorry as I know you are suffering, but I feel like my heart is breaking for your son.

Slithy, she's getting help, I'm not sure how this is constructive?

I think the depression makes it feel like you have nothing positive in your life, but it's not true. You have a child, parents you get on well with, you're about to start a new job. Think carefully about whether going away for two weeks is the right thing - for both you and your son. His primary carer going away for a few weeks is bound to be upsetting, but you could do with a break from your marriage. I wonder how much of your depression is related to your husband?

Read both my posts then tell me off.
And while you're at it, feel free to tell off all the posters who have made similar comments.

Let me tell you this. I always take my DS to school,collect him. however I was ill a couple of weeks ago and someone else took him and collected him. He was in my bed that night saying goodnight and sobbed because I wasn't there when he was used to me been. He was reassured it was a bug and I would be fine.

The reason for me posting this is so you can understand for little ones , mum not been there is a big thing.

Well done for making the appointment . I do think you need to phone back and get yourself an emergency appointment even if it is male.

Can you not talk to your DH about this or your parents?

I won't be able to take him or fetch him some nights when I go back to work anyway.
I feel guilty about going back to work too, I wanted to carry I taking ds and fetching him but I suppose that is selfish too.
At least when I go back to work dh might think I'm less useless (can't have a baby, hasn't got a job) even though it won't pay a whole lot.

It seems like there is some backstory with your DH, I don't know what, but if he is undermining your true worth then he is probably a major drain on you. Don't you believe him, you are far from useless.

And I don't like the make doctors very much.
We had a lovely female doctor who has just retired and two other lovely female doctors who have just gone on maternity leave so it's left a dearth of female doctors.
I don't feel comfortable seeing the male ones. I know I won't be able to explain things to them and will probably just not go.

It's great that you have one with a female doctor, then. If
You think you might have trouble explaining, you could just copy and paste some of your comments from this and the photos thread to a word document to show honestly how you've been feeling?

slithy I saw your other supportive message (and about your own tragedy, I'm sorry), though I hadn't connected the two when I commented about it not being constructive. OP is feeling bad enough, and has finally found the strength to seek help. I think we need to be supportive about that with the ultimate goal of things getting better for her little boy too.

I'm sorry though, I didn't mean it to come across as telling you off, just an attempt to draw your attention to yours reading as telling her off when she'd already started efforts to make things better. xx

I'm so pleased you've made an appointment at the GP. Well done. If you need to go to your parents, then go. Or could they come and stay with you if you're going to feel guilty about your DS?

I think once you have better mental health you will find a way to unpack all these issues. When you're depressed, it's hopeless I know.

Thank you.

The other thing is I'm always very very anxious about something happening to ds because he is so utterly precious. I lie awake quite often worrying about things that could happen to him. Every virus he gets I'm convinced it's something terrible.
So I feel permanently guilty, worried, angry and sad.
I do think guilty and worried comes with being a mother though.

I can certainly identify with fear of something happening to them - I imagine it's normal to some extent but that ours is amplified due to not being about to have more (though of course they could never be replaced).

I wonder how much of this unhappiness is tied up with going back to work? You mentioned it a lot in the previous thread. Could you afford not to? Would you prefer not to? Do you need financial independence in case things go downhill with your DH (who I seem to recall hints may not be entirely supportive...?)?

I personally feel physically sick at the thought of having less time with my kids if I worked outside the home, which is why I'm now a childminder. Far more for my sake than theirs - when I have left them in childcare they've been very happy there. But I love to have the time with them. Is going back to work making things harder for you? There's certainly a good argument for you not being well enough just now, given how depressed you're feeling, if you can afford it...?