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Original poster

To not bother much with christmas because it's only ds, dh and me?

232 replies

Biggamehunter · 10/11/2014 21:52

I'm feeling really depressed at the moment. I was planning in trying to make the best if christmas but something's happened today that although only small really has knocked me for six.

I really cannot be bothered with christmas this year. It just does not seem worth the effort. All that build up for just one day. And it's only the three of us, it barely seems worth the pretence that we are a normal happy family like everyone else.

Wibu to just do the absolute bare minimum? Few gifts but no tree or special lunch or anything? What's the point really? Even if it is vaguely cheery the other 364 days of the year are fucking miserable.

OP posts:
motherofmonster · 10/11/2014 22:38

This might be hard to hear, but you have to try to put your own feelings aside for the sake of your son.
He is five. He will be looking forward to the magic of Christmas and you need to try to make it special for him. Tbh you may only have a couple more years where he believes in father Christmas and elves and sleighs and magic. I think if you make him miss out you will end up feeling worse through guilt

MillionToOneChances · 10/11/2014 22:40

^ good point about Santa having a limited shelf life. They still love christmas when they're older, but the magic of believing ends around age 8.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/11/2014 22:40

OP are you the person who posted last week about secondary infertility?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 10/11/2014 22:41

just one more thing op,when you feel low, try not to self sabotage and do things that make you feel even worse, I think you would feel regret if you really did cancel xmas and that wont make you feel better.

tshirtsuntan · 10/11/2014 22:43

Oh love, you are your five year old's world, can you see the doctor and tell them how you're feeling? I have a five year old son too and would like to repeat the offer if you're local at all (we're London) of a physical hand to hold and help put up your tree Thanks

MollyHooper · 10/11/2014 22:44

Oh no, my love. :(

Why don't you feel like a proper family?

You sound beyond depressed, are you getting any help? It doesn't have to be like this trust me.

QTPie · 10/11/2014 22:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/11/2014 22:45

At 5, Christmas is the most amazing thing. It doesnt last long, so fake it if you cant make it, just for him.

Opopanax · 10/11/2014 22:50

It's only DH, DD and me, too. That's enough to be a family and have a lovely time together unless there is something bigger wrong than just not having enough people there (even that can be fixed).

What is it that makes you feel like it isn't worth bothering? I'm pretty sure whatever it is isn't enough. Even if you absolutely loathe your DH, your child needs you to do this for them, I think. If you hate your DH, then do something about that. But please don't spoil Christmas for your little boy.

musicalendorphins2 · 10/11/2014 22:52

Fake it for your son. At 5 they are easily pleased with little effort. A few baubles, a tree, a stocking, a present or two. Take him out to buy a few small things for others. Bake some cookies, or buy some shortbread and let him decorate with icing and drink hot chocolate with a candy cane in it. You will be wracked with guilt later on, 5 is the perfect age to be a child at Christmas, at five years old, they truly believe in magic.

cakedup · 10/11/2014 23:01

I am in the process of getting evicted. Not sure where we'll be for Christmas - could be a b&b. I'm actually counting on Christmas to show DS that life goes on and we can still make it special and to possibly use the decorations to cover up the hell hole we might find ourselves in.

Don't give up on life. I know when it rains it pours, but you just have to keep going. If you can't be bothered with Christmas, then what else are you not going to bother with? It's a slippery slope. Don't go there. I've been there and it's hard to get back out. Get some help, change your family situation if it's unhappy, and make an effort for your son - you'll only make it worse for yourself otherwise.

MillionToOneChances · 10/11/2014 23:32

Oh Caked, that sounds awful :( Hope you get it sorted. You're so right about the slippery slope though.

Theherbofdeath · 10/11/2014 23:38

Can you get away from it all for Christmas? We really needed to get away last year, didn't have much money, and spent Christmas at a youth hostel. We had a walk on the cliffs, made Christmas dinner together, watched a Christmas DVD. It was a fun day that we have happy memories of.

CariadsDarling · 11/11/2014 04:03

Could you perhaps do Christmas on the basis that your love for your son and your wish for things to be different spurred you on to giving him a nice day.

Im sorry things are so hard for you right now.

xxxxx

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 11/11/2014 06:35

I don't want to talk to friends because I think that I'd just be a subject for gossip and I don't want to burden my family. I don't trust my drs and given that my delightful chronic health condition has become more difficult to manage i feel i already take too much from the nhs. No one can help anyway.

I think the best thing is if ds goes with dh to inlaws on Christmas Day. We had booked to see santa but again I think it's best if ds goes with dh. I don't want to watch the proper happy families. Ds will be just as happy to go with mil and dh so he won't miss out then. Mil will be thrilled to go so that pans out well for everyone. He can have the small tree up in his room and I will just play christmas down as much as possible.

Caked I hope they find somewhere reasonable for you to go.

OP posts:
FloozeyLoozey · 11/11/2014 06:57

Op we are a smaller family than you! Just me and ds. I've always made an effort for Christmas and he loves it. You have to!

SolomanDaisy · 11/11/2014 07:11

You really need to get some help with your depression and your feelings about your secondary infertility. You're allowing your feelings about it to overwhelm you and have a negative impact on the child you actually have. And if you are the poster you seem to be, you also need to LTB. You will be much happier without him.

youbethemummylion · 11/11/2014 07:12

My Mil decided she wasn't doing Christmas as she had had a shit year her father died and husband had a quadruple heart bypass in November. That's fine as we still had a proper Christmas at our house but honestly visiting them over Christmas was awful, the kids didn't understand why there was no tree or decorations and it was very depressing. You dont have to make it like it is in all the magazines (because honestly whose Christmas is really like that anyway) but you must make some effort.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 11/11/2014 07:15

biggamehunter
Im so sorry you're struggling.
Let us hand- hold here. I think you can get help.

saoirse31 · 11/11/2014 07:46

I'm so sorry things seem so bad but I think you should try to do two things. try Dr's again, you sound desperately depressed, you need proper help. do make an effort for Christmas for your d's. you're the only family he has, the memories you make for him of christmas are the only ones he'll have. He needs you to make Christmas happy for him

MillionToOneChances · 11/11/2014 08:03

Big, that's what the NHS is there for, as a GP told you on the last thread. She also told you they can help.

Why would you not want to at least try the method everyone is suggesting to try to get better and enjoy your darling son's childhood?

YABU but you have our support to work through this.

MillionToOneChances · 11/11/2014 08:04

Your son will want his mum to participate in Christmas. He needs you. Don't kid yourself that you can opt out without affecting him. xx

Original poster
Biggamehunter · 11/11/2014 08:10

What tipped me over the edge yesterday is that I went for a smear. I need one to continue fertility treatment. The nurse wouldn't do it as I'm not due one until May. I had checked when I made the appointment and was told it would be ok.
The nurse was vile. She told me how lucky I was to have had three cycles in a year as some people have to wait ages. Er yes. Because we paid. We're lucky we have ds I agree. We are not lucky that we've had to pay thousands of pounds for unsuccessful fertility treatment which has left me on the edge of a breakdown. That is not fucking lucky.
Apparently like everything else I will have to pay privately for my smear. I agree with paying for fertility treatment when you already have a child but it's a smear. I'd be having it anyway in a few months. And now I've got to pay £250 and faff around trying to find somewhere to do it and fit it in next cycle when I will be at work.
However it was her attitude that upset me. When she thought I didn't have any children she was all 'don't give up it's so worth it' in a false tone. Then when I said I had ds she changed to 'be grateful for what you've got.' I can be grateful for ds and still want another. It's not mutually exclusive. I asked how many children she had - 4. Funny how people that have had as many children as they like think it's ok to tell others to be 'grateful for what they've got'

Then when I got home ds picked that time to tell me that our family would be 'more fun' if he had a brother or sister.

OP posts:
MindReader · 11/11/2014 08:16

.

You son loves and needs YOU as well as mil / dh.

Can you take him to a grotto/Christmas carol affair/ do something Christmassy with him - Just the TWO of you?

A few decs at home/ an advent candle/calendar / some nice treats to eat (doesn't have to be a massive lunch - he wont care!) and a gift or two and a stocking if you can rustle one up ( I think some stores do prefilled ones?).

I hope you feel brighter. You sound lovely, just at the end of your tether.

Mumblechum1 · 11/11/2014 08:17

do make an effort for Christmas for your d's. you're the only family he has, the memories you make for him of christmas are the only ones he'll have. He needs you to make Christmas happy for him

I agree. We lost our DS1 when DS2 was 5 and so Christmas was always a bit of a bittersweet time when DS2 was growing up but we always made a big effort to make it fun even though it was just the 3 of us. This was often just silly things like a treasure hunt for his big present, with clues hidden all over the house, or wrapping small gifts in ever bigger boxes to throw him off the scent etc.

He always got a stocking and will probably still get one this year even though he's 20 and it'll be full of vodka!

You can make Christmas a lovely, fun time without spending huge sums or making your house like Blackpool illuminations, or having a horde of relatives around Smile