Feeling very suicidal

[EnpoTree]

Not a new poster but a new name; please don't out me if you recognise me. Long, sorry.

I have a fairly good plan involving large amounts of propranolol (about 3.3g), some diazepam and codeine to make the whole thing less unpleasant, and some metoclopramide or prochlorperazine to prevent throwing it up. I have several very good reasons to kill myself and am scared of the part of myself which makes and carries out plans like this (I have been very nearly successful before).

I can't talk to people in my life and can't fix any of my problems. I've been spending the last few weeks (when I look back at them) wrecking my life by spending all my money, having sex with all the wrong people, and taking all the wrong drugs. I've realised over the last few hours that I have no friends and have been noticing and identifying the exact flaws which cause me to lose all my friends. I can do nothing to help my only friend who is ill and doesn't know it, her drug-dealer boyfriend is sexually jealous of me and knows where I live, my friend has begun to realise why most people don't stay my friends for long, I have alienated everyone except my DP who would be far better off wihtout me fucking him over, and I arrived home today stoned and paranoid to a really shitty online situation.

Ive also been experiencing powerful obsessions over the last few days involving stabbing myself with a knife in the belly or neck and cannot stop thinking about it, which is no way to live. I'm nearly thirty and have not yet been a normal adult.

As far as I understand the propranolol has a good chance of causing some kind of CV disruption in doses over 3g and with any luck there should be some extra bradycardia and CNS depression from the other drugs. But then I was fairly confident about some of the other combinations I have researched similarly, and have also come across suggestions that this might not work. But I'm also scared of the consequences of failure. I will not go into a hospital again - it's worse than death - and I won't take medication. But if I tell anyone in my real life that I'm worried that the part of me that wants death is bigger and darker than it was, I suspect I will be strongly encouraged to take drugs. If I attempt and fail I might be made to take drugs or be "persuaded" to go into hospital. I'm not sure I can convince myself not to do it and there should be things I can do to increase the chances of success. But i'm also scared I might be making the wrong decision.

Fuck.

Don't do it.

Move a good few hours away from where you are living, get a way from the life you have now.

Tbh I think you have a lot to offer this world. I think you could go to university and train to help people who like you misuse drugs.

Also think of how your DP will feel.

How would moving help? I'd still be the same fucked-up person, just a in a different place.

OP have you got a local crisis team? You need to ring them. You are not well. Your not thinking straight.

Depression is horrible and feels like life will never get better but it will.

You have a chemical imbalance in your brain and medication and counselling can help you.

Can you reply so I know your ok please

Because you can start a fresh.

Just keep talking here.

Have you eaten today yet or managed to have a wash or brush your teeth.

Don't. Please don't. I've just lost my best friend to suicide. He spent almost four months in intensive care afterwards, in hell basically. And then he died. And us who are left behind have to live with this forever. It's destroyed me. Please don't do it. There is always another way, always. It might seem now that you have nothing to lose, but you do. Please don't give up hope.

I wrote a long post and it lost it.

Basically I'm scared of what aday said; failing or succeeding in a way which has bad consequences.

I don't have a crisis team and I'm not depressed. Very anxious and agitated but not depressed. I feel like there is a turbine in my chest. I can't keep livig like this but I can't take doctors' drugs either. Their drugs left me fat, diabetic, and with a lifelong movement disorder.

Enpo it's not the path to go down. Do you have kids yet? Your obviously on mumsnet so I guess you either have them or want them one day

Depressions shit it's really really shit. But it's not going to go away on its own.

It sounds like you are having a panic attack.

Breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Make your self a nice hot drink and try to relax.

Also go to your GP, there are many treatments available and he/she can point you in the right direction.

I don't have depression or children and I can't see myself ever being capable of having children now. When I head towards depression I hear other people's bad thoughts/feelings about me, start noticing the world is nonlinear and no longer a real place, and see evil when I look int he mirror, and when properly depressed I sleep for days and have to be taken to and from the loo so I dont piss the bed. So this currently is not depression. It's all a bit odd but I don't want to want to die; it's different like that. It's more I'm scared of it.

I understand your concerns about medication, but there are other options too, like CBT. Just please don't take such a drastic, permanent decision. My friend felt like not many people would miss him, and that the few that would, were better off without him. He was so, so wrong. The church was packed, he is missed so much. I don't just miss him, a part of me has died too, and I'll never feel whole again. Perhaps if he's known this, he wouldn't have done it. I'll never know. But please don't. The fact you're on here talking, seeking help and advice shows you want to be talked out of it. You just need support and understanding, not this. Not suicide. Anything but that.

Not a panic attack either, breathinf is normal. I think this is the new me and how I am. The turbine has been there for a few weeks on and off. Mostly I have been feeling great

Yes I dont want to be suicidal hence talking about the feeling here as I cannot talk to anyone in real life, in the hope I can avoid acting on the feelings
No matter how strong they are.

Please don't do it. You are not a messed up person, that's the illness (depression) talking. People love you and your life can get better and be worth living.

Please call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 (if you're in the UK), they are trained to support people with feelings like yours.

Please also consider going to see your GP preferably asap.

hugs

And I'm very sorry for your loss Aday and hoping my uselessness isn't affecting you or upsetting

Does it feel like your heart is racing.

Op hearing things and seeing things is a sign of psychosis. It could be schizophrenia bipolar or any type of personality disorder.

Do you think that could be it?

Talk to the Samaritans and just listen to what they have to say. 08457 90 90 90

Your head is screwed because of the wrong drugs you've been taking, at least in part. Don't let something as trivial as a party hangover have perilous results.

I don't know, the last time i saw the GP she said she would send me to the psychiatrist as she thought I might have bipolar disorder but my official diagnoses include psychotic depression among other things. I don't think I am psychotic or depressed at the moment though..

My heart is fine, not racing at all.

Phone browser keeps locking up and throwingn away what I've typed, and copy and paste doesn't work so I can't type it elsewhere and copy it in.

If your GP thinks it bipolar is it possible you might be feeling manic, so your not noticing your own symptoms?

What drugs have you took OP? Have you just had a joint ?

If you think you might be having a panic attack pipers had some good advice

I suppose I may feel better able to resist tomorrow after the drugs have worn off but TBH it's been building for a while and may be better to get it over with now while im feeling uninhibited.