Feeling very suicidal

[EnpoTree]

Not a new poster but a new name; please don't out me if you recognise me. Long, sorry.

I have a fairly good plan involving large amounts of propranolol (about 3.3g), some diazepam and codeine to make the whole thing less unpleasant, and some metoclopramide or prochlorperazine to prevent throwing it up. I have several very good reasons to kill myself and am scared of the part of myself which makes and carries out plans like this (I have been very nearly successful before).

I can't talk to people in my life and can't fix any of my problems. I've been spending the last few weeks (when I look back at them) wrecking my life by spending all my money, having sex with all the wrong people, and taking all the wrong drugs. I've realised over the last few hours that I have no friends and have been noticing and identifying the exact flaws which cause me to lose all my friends. I can do nothing to help my only friend who is ill and doesn't know it, her drug-dealer boyfriend is sexually jealous of me and knows where I live, my friend has begun to realise why most people don't stay my friends for long, I have alienated everyone except my DP who would be far better off wihtout me fucking him over, and I arrived home today stoned and paranoid to a really shitty online situation.

Ive also been experiencing powerful obsessions over the last few days involving stabbing myself with a knife in the belly or neck and cannot stop thinking about it, which is no way to live. I'm nearly thirty and have not yet been a normal adult.

As far as I understand the propranolol has a good chance of causing some kind of CV disruption in doses over 3g and with any luck there should be some extra bradycardia and CNS depression from the other drugs. But then I was fairly confident about some of the other combinations I have researched similarly, and have also come across suggestions that this might not work. But I'm also scared of the consequences of failure. I will not go into a hospital again - it's worse than death - and I won't take medication. But if I tell anyone in my real life that I'm worried that the part of me that wants death is bigger and darker than it was, I suspect I will be strongly encouraged to take drugs. If I attempt and fail I might be made to take drugs or be "persuaded" to go into hospital. I'm not sure I can convince myself not to do it and there should be things I can do to increase the chances of success. But i'm also scared I might be making the wrong decision.

Fuck.

Feck sake fecking ipad. That was supposed to say he sounds like an arsehole

You had me intrigued for a moment with that URL …

To be fair to him I believe he's less an arsehole than just a bit incompetent which is why I avoid seeing him wherever possible but you don't get a choice with same-day appointments.

I'm not sure what if anything to do. DP won't go to bloody bed so I can't call Samaritans or go out for the long walk I need to clear my head. I'm agitated and scared of what I'm going to have to do to stop this feeling.

I am intrigued by your referral to an ASD specialist. That is very significant. Do you know why your GP thinks you need an assessment for ASD?

Because l went to them a while ago and asked for one.

EnpoTree I hope you don't mind me asking, but why do you think people don't like you.

Because I suspect many of the day ti day probmels I experience may be related to a lack of social functioning

Oops xpost

People seem to go off me after initially being quite positive. Especially when I'm in an up phase, I am quick and funny, but something about me apparently seems to be off, and I either am too much for people to cope with or I become depressed and boring or I do something extreme to put them off or I just fuck up some ordinary social interaction

If you do have asd it may explain a lot.

Possibly. I feel it would. But i struggle with the idea that I could've spent manybyears under the care of various psychiatrists and none of them noticed (except one not-followed-up suggestion of Aspergers as a teenager)

Of course it wouldn't really make much difference or matter at all if i were dead. But I'm hoping to fend off the urge tonight. In the day it's easier to ignore.

Surely an adolescent psychiatrist would've recognised ASD?

Girls/women are very good at masking the signs of ASD and often slip through the net, as it were.

So i hear, especially if they're mad as well.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that, I hate derogatory terms for mental illness evenbwhen people use them about themselves

Don't worry, I use them on my self

I try not to.

Not that I think it makes me better, just that it feels hypocritical to use them if I wouldn't like others using them. But I do see it's also valid to use such words as an insider marker. I'm not comfortable with doing it personally but when I see other people do it I'm fine with it.

FFS. Getting tied in knots here.

Whatbi mean is I'm fine with other people who have mental health proboems using words which can be or have been used as derogatory insult against mentally ill people to refer to themselves as a joke or reclamation or mark of insidership but I'm not able/comfortable to do so myself

DP doesn't appear to be going to bed.

Not even sure if my plan is any good. Certainly none of my previous best-laid plans have worked out for me. It's just so hard to find decent information and the difference between potentially fatal given a following wind, and definitely fatal. So many of the sources of information I can find discussing this stuff assume a certain level of familiarity with chemistry or easy access to Mexican pharmacies, and nobody's willing to put money on what will or won't work. I know from experience that short-drop hanging can be painless and would've worked before if it weren't for factors outside my control but I can't guarantee it would work the same way again and I don't really want to end up with brain damage or some other complication.

I just can't face another bout of depression like the ones I've had before and need to prevent it getting that bad again. I wish there was a good option.

Maybe the answer is to get away from all the complicated pharmaceutical stuff.

Crap, this is really self-indulgent, sorry. I really should be keeping this whiny shit to myself.

Hi Enpo, good to see you this evening but sorry you're still suffering so much. I'm around if you want to talk...