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Original poster

Feeling very suicidal

174 replies

EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 00:30

Not a new poster but a new name; please don't out me if you recognise me. Long, sorry.

I have a fairly good plan involving large amounts of propranolol (about 3.3g), some diazepam and codeine to make the whole thing less unpleasant, and some metoclopramide or prochlorperazine to prevent throwing it up. I have several very good reasons to kill myself and am scared of the part of myself which makes and carries out plans like this (I have been very nearly successful before).

I can't talk to people in my life and can't fix any of my problems. I've been spending the last few weeks (when I look back at them) wrecking my life by spending all my money, having sex with all the wrong people, and taking all the wrong drugs. I've realised over the last few hours that I have no friends and have been noticing and identifying the exact flaws which cause me to lose all my friends. I can do nothing to help my only friend who is ill and doesn't know it, her drug-dealer boyfriend is sexually jealous of me and knows where I live, my friend has begun to realise why most people don't stay my friends for long, I have alienated everyone except my DP who would be far better off wihtout me fucking him over, and I arrived home today stoned and paranoid to a really shitty online situation.

Ive also been experiencing powerful obsessions over the last few days involving stabbing myself with a knife in the belly or neck and cannot stop thinking about it, which is no way to live. I'm nearly thirty and have not yet been a normal adult.

As far as I understand the propranolol has a good chance of causing some kind of CV disruption in doses over 3g and with any luck there should be some extra bradycardia and CNS depression from the other drugs. But then I was fairly confident about some of the other combinations I have researched similarly, and have also come across suggestions that this might not work. But I'm also scared of the consequences of failure. I will not go into a hospital again - it's worse than death - and I won't take medication. But if I tell anyone in my real life that I'm worried that the part of me that wants death is bigger and darker than it was, I suspect I will be strongly encouraged to take drugs. If I attempt and fail I might be made to take drugs or be "persuaded" to go into hospital. I'm not sure I can convince myself not to do it and there should be things I can do to increase the chances of success. But i'm also scared I might be making the wrong decision.

Fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 01:58

Sorry I am being annoying as usual. I need to think it over. I can't handle all the shit going on in my life. But I am too tired to make an important decision like how/when to die.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/10/2014 02:00

You don't have to decide tonight. You can sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning. We are all hoping you decide to get help :) We don't think you're annoying. Hang on in there x

Faacksake · 10/10/2014 02:00

Your not being annoying your asking for help instead of doing something daft which is a good thing.

Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 02:07

I will take codeine for the headache and try to sleep. I have a GP appointment on Monday. Maybe I should say something, but not if there's a chance I will have to take their drugs.

OP posts:
Faacksake · 10/10/2014 02:10

I think that might be best trying to get some sleep, although you should probably try for an emergency gp appointment tomorow.

QueenChrysalis · 10/10/2014 02:21

It's your perception that may be wrong. Logically, people in the gym or cafe or just walking down the street can't dislike you. And anyone who dislikes someone with just minor interaction is a total dick. And most people are socially anxious to some degree, wondering if they said the wrong thing, if they are being boring or if they are being judged.

10mg diazepam is probably ok, they are ridiculously funny about prescribing more than 2mg which does nothing for my head but eases the muscles. Diazepam is often, illegally, used to help when coming down off recreational drugs, it also dulls things a little to help relax, especially for anxiety or racing thoughts, but only short term.

This is a random thing you may choose to ignore, but it recently had an awful low point, while withdrawing off a drug. I struggled with meaning and purpose. I started reading up on philosophy and religion, I already go to church so read up more to get reassurance. It was my tiny lifeboat in a huge storm which passed. The thing which tempted me most to look into was stuff related to Buddhism and mindfulness. This linked in with feeling that life was short and I had so much of the world to see and so much I could experience and appreciate, although I have two small kids so it's not so easy to do it all right now. Tolle was the name of one author of a book which is highly recommended, people claimed it helped them find new meaning in life. I just need to be able to concentrate long enough to read it myself.

Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 02:28

Actually it might have been 14 x 5mg diazepam and I was supposed to take two. I can't remember. I took one or two then began to feel I shouldn't trust their drugs again.

Philosophy/Religion is.difficult for me. At least part of the current things stressing me out is religion-based and my only friend is currently trapped in a religiously-based set of bizarre delusions.

People who know me or havevmet menmore than a couple ofntimes dislike me; people who have never met me don't, of course - I can only "hear" their negative thoughts when psychotic and low.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 02:32

I am now more confused but less resolute.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 02:33

Ah that'll be the codeine

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:12

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/10/2014 08:20

Hi EnpoTree, how do you feel this morning?

Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:23

Anxious and agitated today. Feeling very stressed. I want to die.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:26

Also want to live tho.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:27

Scared of myself and shit going on I suppose.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/10/2014 08:28

So glad you're still posting. And that you also want to live, that is very positive :) Could you try and make a doctor's appointment today? Is there a doctor you think will listen to your concerns about the medication? Could you ask DP to go with you or would you prefer not to discuss it with him?

Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:30

I can't tell anyone. They would remove my means.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:32

Or at least DP would.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/10/2014 08:32

"They would remove my means." - do you mean they would take away the medication you already have?

Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:33

Doctors would ask what I wanted them to do and there's nothing they can do that I want.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:34

Yes DP would get rid of it if he knew what I plan to do with it.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 10/10/2014 08:34

Ah OK (cross-posted)

The doctor wouldn't be able to take anything away... it depends whether you are feeling up to going to see the doctor?

Have you called the Samaritans? I'm going to keep going on about that one ;)

certifiedloon · 10/10/2014 08:35

Morning Enpo

Are you up to going to your GP today? Hospital isnt the only option (and unless you are sectioned, its unlikely they will find you a bed anyway). An emergency referral to a psychiatrist sounds like a sensible plan, and your GP can arrange this. Or you could go to A&E and ask for the psych assessment team to see you?

I'm not a doctor, but I do have bipolar disorder and identify with loads of what you have said. Self medicating through drug abuse/self harm/sexual recklessness to 'slow your brain down' is a big alarm bell for me - sounds like mania/a mixed episode. The good news is - if that is the case, you CAN get better. I promise you. But you need help.

Please PM me if you need a shoulder x

Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:36

No the doctors couldn't do anything really. I don't want any medication so there's nothing they can do for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
EnpoTree · 10/10/2014 08:37

Crap. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
certifiedloon · 10/10/2014 08:42

Enpo, meds arent the only answer. I dont take meds as I am rapid cycling bipolar and its very hard to medicate properly.

I wont pretend life is perfect for me but I am a long way from where I was a few months ago - suicidal depression after a major manic episode.

You shouldnt be suffering like this. You deserve help and support x